Grief and Loss Support Megathread

[looseye]

Current demand says we need it, so we'll have it.

This thread is for those of you who suffer from grief/loss and wish to share their experiences, vent or seek to give or receive advice on how to deal with such feelings.

It is completely up to you how much you want to share and how frequently (or infrequently) you choose to post here. Keep it at a level that you're comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure that it stays a safe and supportive thread for those who participate.

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[In case this OP needs noteworthy additions in the future, the changes will be documented in the form of an edit history in this bottom part of the post.]

 

[BBBB]

I have severe "Complicated Grief and Loss" (most people don't know what this is).
I'm not ready to share more than that right now but I'm "glad" this thread was made. Maybe it will help me and others suffering with similar issues??

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Thank you

 

[leaf23]

Thank you to members who've suggested this thread and admin and staff who've created this . I'm sad that so many are suffering because of this to the point that a thread of this nature had to be created but thankful at the same time there's a safe place like this. Much appreciation to everyone who've worked on this .

People say that remembering those who've left us will heal us but I just feel unbearably sad all the time. Remembering them is just painful to me. I don't really want to talk about them, or reminisce about good memories about them because I just associate it with what I've lost, how I'll never experience the simple joy and safety of their mere presence. Right after they died I used to try to imagine and pretend that they were just out or in another city. I would've been fine with that, with never seeing or even speaking with them ever again, if they were still alive and happy and safe somewhere out in the world. But it can never stick, reality eventually smacks me in the face and I'll have to accept they've died and won't ever see them again.

Oh, and on a related note, I've learned something fairly recent that surprised me. Grief and loss isn't restricted to the trauma of losing a person or a pet. It can also mean trauma over losing a job, your house..it can mean coping from a breakup or a divorce. I feel so stupid not realizing before
EDIT: I mean, the trauma responses and the treatment therapies are similar, I apologize for being unclear

 

[orca87]

I've destroyed a relationship and with it my whole life (lost friends, my drive for my career). Even worse, I realized my own illusionary life that has been a nightmare since I was 5. I was unable to live but was pretty good in keeping up a facade of hope to myself and my environment. Now, I have nothing. Not the love of my life, no friends, no apartment, no job, no hope.
It's just too late for me to start over.

 

[JD_looking_for_avi]

Well... I think there is a lot of things that we just don't know. And we have to accept that! I will try to share with you a brief of my story. I moved from my country with my son last year in order to start a new life in Europe. He went to college to start his studies and I started a new journey in my company. Things were going very well... with lots of work. From both of us! He was happy! Some weeks ago I received a phone call after my workday saying that he was in the hospital. I immediately changed my plans and took a train to the airport in order to see him. While I was on the train I received another call, this time telling me the truth: he was found dead in his room at the University campus. For some minutes I lost my mind... silence, like someone hit my head with a baseball bat. Then I had to take a flight to see if all that nightmare was real! And it was! I had no chance to see his body as it was in advanced state of decomposition and probably because of the SN effects (the blue one). He killed himself with SN. A lot of people sent me messages during 1 week and then they just disappeared (many of them call themselves Christians). Now I'm here, in a strange country, alone and mourning my beloved son. No friends, no colleagues, no family... no one cares! I don't have the answer for a lot of questions but I can tell you that it is the most painful situation a human being can live. It hurts 24 x 7, I see him every time I blink my eyes... I cry every time I walk on places we walked together... and if you want to know when this will finish, I can tell you: when I ctb going after him!!

 

[meetingmymom]

my mom died on the 25th of december. i'm only 18, turning 19 next week. thank u for this thread

 

[jamie_]

the grief still hurts. cut off before i could ever get closure. my life is divided into before and after, bc and ad. still there in my dreams and when i ever try and do anything that resembles bc – the problem is simply living life makes me grieve. that entire life disappeared, one text per mutual friend when they initial heard and then nothing again ever since.

 

[depressedlover]

Well... I think there is a lot of things that we just don't know. And we have to accept that! I will try to share with you a brief of my story. I moved from my country with my son last year in order to start a new life in Europe. He went to college to start his studies and I started a new journey in my company. Things were going very well... with lots of work. From both of us! He was happy! Some weeks ago I received a phone call after my workday saying that he was in the hospital. I immediately changed my plans and took a train to the airport in order to see him. While I was on the train I received another call, this time telling me the truth: he was found dead in his room at the University campus. For some minutes I lost my mind... silence, like someone hit my head with a baseball bat. Then I had to take a flight to see if all that nightmare was real! And it was! I had no chance to see his body as it was in advanced state of decomposition and probably because of the SN effects (the blue one). He killed himself with SN. A lot of people sent me messages during 1 week and then they just disappeared (many of them call themselves Christians). Now I'm here, in a strange country, alone and mourning my beloved son. No friends, no colleagues, no family... no one cares! I don't have the answer for a lot of questions but I can tell you that it is the most painful situation a human being can live. It hurts 24 x 7, I see him every time I blink my eyes... I cry every time I walk on places we walked together... and if you want to know when this will finish, I can tell you: when I ctb going after him!!

i'm sorry for your loss,i'm in the same situation having lost my fiancé to ctb,it hurts that during this time i also realized my 2 only friends were fake. I'm alone,empty and in pain.I cry everyday,i hate waking up daily,like you it'll only finish when i join my love.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I grief having lived and still living in a really debilitating way, that i' m ashamed of my entire past, especially when its still affecting my daily life. Just to put it in less words. Its like living in the prison of my past and my illness.

 

[leaf23]

I think I'm starting to forget specific details about them. For instance, I don't know what exact words they would've said in response to something that happened to me earlier today. It feels so painful remembering them all the time but it also feels so crushing that some of their memories are starting to get hazy. It's like I'm losing them all over again.

 

[sannoji]

i swear the grief just comes in waves. i've never actually had anyone i really cared about die on me before them so this whole thing was new to me. normally i can get by but it'll get late at night and suddenly all i can think about is that it isn't fair. no matter how much peace they made with their death, they still didn't make the choice to go by themself.

i miss them. i know they didn't want me to be all sad over them and when i first met them i fully knew that one day soon they'd die but it still hurts that i can't talk to them any more. every time i get older i'm only going to be able to think about how they can't any more, how if their condition hadn't suddenly got worse they would have made it to 18 the way i did. theyre supposed to be older than me but they can't be any more cause they're gone.

most of my grief is anger i think, at how unfair it all was. they were supposed to have two, maybe even three more years. we were supposed to have so much more time together but the world just doesn't work that way. most of my friends didn't even know they either. it feels like i'm the only one who knows that they ever existed.

 

[iLikeFrogs]

I grieve my dog and grief wave after my grandma came again... Misia died yesterday in my arms surrounded by everyone she loved but it pains me. I still see her lifeless body in my hands everytime I close my eyes and I'm now stuck in school. She was my only reason to stay and now I'm in pieces

 

[kyxz]

My fiance was gunned down and murdered this year while walking to his car to go to work. I saw him laying in a pool of blood surrounded by police and yellow tape. I died that night with him. It was like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.. my own personal hell.

I have decided to ctb but I am waiting to ensure justice is served first. I will not rest until the monster is in prison. Our lives had been taken from us, so it is the least I could do for the man I love.

I look forward to when the time comes and I can rest in peace

Sending love to all who have endured grief

 

[fiftyfiftyclown]

Has anyone here had an ab0rtion in their past that affected/affects their mental health? I have since relapsed...have suicidal thoughts, doing more drugs, not showering, cleaning, or leaving my house, isolated myself, not working at work, insomnia, anxiety, relapsing in "disordered eating" habits/body image obsession which I had gotten over on my own, blah blah

I realize this must be a rather unpopular reaction since many people here are anti-natalist, and even in the general population (at least in the liberal area where I live) it isn't viewed as a huge deal. The circumstances of mine have sent me into a very bad episode. I know some people wouldn't even consider this real "grief," but I don't know. I don't feel like it's chemical depression, I genuinely feel like I've lost a baby, except literally no one but me cares, and it's not pleasant to say the least.

In short, I didn't really want to terminate and only did so to get my "partner" back if you can call him that, and now I regret it. Because whatever happiness he brings me feels like nothing compared to what I had been anticipating. And I mean, come on, dude dumps you while pregn4nt, said we'd never see each other again...if I had common sense I would have just cut my losses and do what I want because he's clearly doesn't love me and never will, but idk, hormonal brain. I panicked.
I had already been to the obgyn and seen its heartbeat and everything, so seeing pregnant women/babies is very triggering now, months later. Especially if I see a kid who looks like us. I'd even told family and friends, then bam he dumped me.

Quite frankly, the months that I was pregnant were the best I've ever felt in my adult life. Nothing has ever flipped the switch for me like that, I wasn't on meds at the time, nothing. Had no problem quitting drinking and smoking cold turkey. Felt beautiful. I don't know what freaky nature biology shit took over my mind, but I was not the same person. I don't think I've woken up feeling like I had a sense of purpose or will to live since I was a child. Like the world had taken on color again. I was often tired, moody, and teary, but I felt like I had a purpose. Maybe this is just how a "normal" person feels, or maybe this is how true "love" feels, I don't know. Meds, religion, and therapy have never done that for me.
I should have just done the single mom thing. I'm an adult, not that poor, have a job (though i've no reason to keep that anymore) and have family around. It's odd, it feels like I threw away my last chance at living. Went back to a baseline level of depression, but it feels magnitudes worse now that I briefly tasted what "not being depressed" felt like.

The complicated part is that he didn't force my hand, you know. I just have to live knowing that I killed my only child for no dire reason. I'd probably feel less grief if I didn't love the father, or thought he loved me. I wouldn't care this much if it were the result of stranger rape.

 

[SolomonKado]

My loss really messed me up for my whole life. My dad came into my room one night asking me if I wanted to go with him or stay with my mom. I was 6 yo and really tired. I told him to please wait until the morning because I was really tired. I woke up in the morning he was gone.

A week later he had an accident due to an ungrounded welding machine and was electrocuted to death. At least that was what I was told. He was a mechanic and he took a job working on farm machinery.

As I'm looking at him in the casket all I could think of was I wasn't good enough for him to wait for me and if I would have just got up and left with him then he might have not had that accident.

The rest of my life I was plagued with thoughts of never feeling good enough for anyone. Even though I was 6 yo and he was my best friend and always tried to include me in things he did. I loved going fishing with him. This and my mom wasn't there very much. Like she didn't like having kids.

I found out why my self worth was so bad because of this incident. No matter how much I tell myself my dad not taking me with him and his death had nothing to do with me being worthless, I can't stop feeling this way. No matter how much I tell myself this it doesn't matter. It's an intense feeling.

It was different when my mom died from a roll over accident. I was about 19. She seemed like she struggled with life really bad and when I found out I didn't need to grieve. I was happy she was finally in a place she could be happy. I know that her mental illness made things harder.

When my mom died the state patrol and social worker made it a point to tell me and my younger sister that it looked line she was thrown from the vehicle she tried to crawl to her purse for her phone. That only told me she suffered before she died and it wasn't an immediate death. That screwed me up making me be afraid of driving and being on the road.

 

[KevG]

Well... I think there is a lot of things that we just don't know. And we have to accept that! I will try to share with you a brief of my story. I moved from my country with my son last year in order to start a new life in Europe. He went to college to start his studies and I started a new journey in my company. Things were going very well... with lots of work. From both of us! He was happy! Some weeks ago I received a phone call after my workday saying that he was in the hospital. I immediately changed my plans and took a train to the airport in order to see him. While I was on the train I received another call, this time telling me the truth: he was found dead in his room at the University campus. For some minutes I lost my mind... silence, like someone hit my head with a baseball bat. Then I had to take a flight to see if all that nightmare was real! And it was! I had no chance to see his body as it was in advanced state of decomposition and probably because of the SN effects (the blue one). He killed himself with SN. A lot of people sent me messages during 1 week and then they just disappeared (many of them call themselves Christians). Now I'm here, in a strange country, alone and mourning my beloved son. No friends, no colleagues, no family... no one cares! I don't have the answer for a lot of questions but I can tell you that it is the most painful situation a human being can live. It hurts 24 x 7, I see him every time I blink my eyes... I cry every time I walk on places we walked together... and if you want to know when this will finish, I can tell you: when I ctb going after him!!

Sorry for your loss. But I know how you feel. I found my partner dead from a bullet to his head. He suffered from depression as do I. No one should have to see what I saw. He was and still is my entire world. People visited and called for a few weeks. Then their lives went back to normal. I feel abandoned. Every day is a struggle with what feels like total emptiness in my life. Other family members sought counseling to deal with their grief. I just can't bring myself to do that. I talk to him still and see him in my dreams. Hope to join him in the near future.

 

[SolomonKado]

My best friend and person I looked up to. I was 6 when my dad died because of an accident, but it left a great big hole for the rest of my life.

For the rest of my life I would feel I could have made a difference if I meant more to him. If I would have just went with him the night he woke me in the middle of the night leaving my mom. I spent the rest of my life with low self esteem.

I know my mother did her best to provide for us. I just feel she wasn't mentally well enough herself to try and raise 3 kids.

I was 19 when she died in an accident. I felt happy for her actually. That her pain and suffering was finally over. She could finally rest after everything she went through.

 

[LonelyTurkey]

A little background for me, I have never met my father, my family is great but my mother was pretty emotionally abusive to me when I was younger.

The first person I ever lost was my uncle. We got a call one day and was told he had stage 4 cancer and was only expected to live a couple more months. This hit me hard since my uncle was one of the only people I felt really understood me and he sympathised a lot with my situation with my mother. I would spend a lot of time with him and stay at his house often. It was such an escape and so comforting to know he was there and I could actually talk to him about my mother without someone trying to defend her and undermining my feelings, he really felt like a father I never had. When he passed naturally everyone was sad but I don't remember crying at all. I think I was prepared for him to die since we had a month or so notice. I'm not sure why I didn't cry tho.

The second person I lost was a family friend whom I grew up with and was there for me my whole life. He was my second father, one day he got covid. We went to his hotel and gave him food but he refused to see us since he didn't want to get us sick. So we laid the food outside his door and when we walked away he got it. He said he was feeling better and he actually seemed to be doing better but he didn't want to go to the doctor. We told him we loved him and to tell us if he needed anything. 2 days later my mother came to me crying and I knew what had happened. He had died in his hotel and was found by staff that were checking up on him. Nobody knows how he died since they didn't to an autopsy but I was told there was blood all over his apartment but it wasn't foul play. I still didn't cry, teared up a bit but I was just depressed for a couple weeks.

The third and most recent person I lost was my grandmother. This loss was the thing that brought me to SaSu and caused me to almost take my life. My grandmother was my second mother and I was closer to her than my actual mother. She was always so sweet and loving, she always defended me from my mother and repramand her when she'd fly off the rails. I lived with her and my mother my whole life and I have no idea what I would be like now if not for her guarding me. She truly was the most influential person to my life. I was out of state on a co-op when my uncle called me and told me she had passed. My previous co-op was when she had her stroke. Coupled with the fact that my one friend group was falling apart at the same time, I really wanted to just die, there wasn't any point in living if the only person I had left that I knew loved me was gone and all my friends were gone. I held on, knowing how sad she'd be if I died. It had been a year since she died. Thank you for everything grandma I love you.

These losses still hurt after years and I doubt that'll ever go away. I have no idea if I grieved them or not since I don't feel like I reacted strongly enough to their deaths. Maybe I'm just not a person that gets super grief stricken. I don't know.

I just wanted to share that. I am trying to process my feelings and am finally getting therapy, which is going well.

Thank you for reading.

 

[cardboard_house]

I discovered that my cat died today. Less than an hour ago. She'd been missing for the past 2 days, and just earlier, our neighbor found bones in his garden. We think she was killed by coyotes.

I'm destroyed. I don't know what to do anymore. She was the one thing that kept me going, and now she's gone forever. I can't express in words how much I miss her. I still don't want to die, I don't want to put my family and friends through that, especially during this fragile time, I just wish I was never born. I wish I never had to go through this horrible pain. I know the expectation with a pet is that they'll die before you (and I personally think it's irresponsible and immoral to die before them if they rely on only you), but it was too soon. I wish I had more time with her. I'll miss you to the stars and back.

 

[SolomonKado]

I discovered that my cat died today. Less than an hour ago. She'd been missing for the past 2 days, and just earlier, our neighbor found bones in his garden. We think she was killed by coyotes.

I'm destroyed. I don't know what to do anymore. She was the one thing that kept me going, and now she's gone forever. I can't express in words how much I miss her. I still don't want to die, I don't want to put my family and friends through that, especially during this fragile time, I just wish I was never born. I wish I never had to go through this horrible pain. I know the expectation with a pet is that they'll die before you (and I personally think it's irresponsible and immoral to die before them if they rely on only you), but it was too soon. I wish I had more time with her. I'll miss you to the stars and back.

I came home from middle school and walked to the backyard to see our family dogs. I stopped in complete terror looking at my dog. She was petrified, hard as a rock. My mother kept them chained to the trees in the backyard. She had wrapped herself around the tree and couldn't get to the water on a 100+ day. To just imagine how she must have felt just being out of reach. How terrified she was and then hopefully just fell asleep. It's stayed with me for 30 years. Still remembering that day like it just happened.

I disagree with chaining animals and also leaving them outside on super hot days. It's shaped how I take care of my own 3 babies. I'm sorry for your loss. I truly am. Losing a family member like that is heart breaking.

Please be careful. This is not a place of judgement. It pushes people away who truly need help. We are in no way pushing anyone to suicide. We just offer a place for people, who feel they've given up completely, a place to breathe. If you want to see an example of this take a look at my whole profile. Start at the bottom and work your way up. No other place took the edge off of my continued pain and trauma like this place did. Quite a few people who wanted to CTB are still here a couple years later. We can't stop anyone, but we can help everyone find peace who needs it in any way possible.

 

[cardboard_house]

I came home from middle school and walked to the backyard to see our family dogs. I stopped in complete terror looking at my dog. She was petrified, hard as a rock. My mother kept them chained to the trees in the backyard. She had wrapped herself around the tree and couldn't get to the water on a 100+ day. To just imagine how she must have felt just being out of reach. How terrified she was and then hopefully just fell asleep. It's stayed with me for 30 years. Still remembering that day like it just happened.

I disagree with chaining animals and also leaving them outside on super hot days. It's shaped how I take care of my own 3 babies. I'm sorry for your loss. I truly am. Losing a family member like that is heart breaking.

Please be careful. This is not a place of judgement. It pushes people away who truly need help. We are in no way pushing anyone to suicide. We just offer a place for people, who feel they've given up completely, a place to breathe. If you want to see an example of this take a look at my whole profile. Start at the bottom and work your way up. No other place took the edge off of my continued pain and trauma like this place did. Quite a few people who wanted to CTB are still here a couple years later. We can't stop anyone, but we can help everyone find peace who needs it in any way possible.

Thank you a lot, that story was very touching. That sounds like such a heartbreaking experience, I can't imagine having to see that. I've heard controvertial things about this forum, but they don't seem to hold much ground. From what I can tell, the community here seems very kind and empathetic, and it has already helped with my pain. It's a very comforting feeling connecting with other people that feel the same way.

I also agree with a lot of the general beliefs here, though it may be result of some bias. It definitely doesn't seem to me like this forum is pushing or coercing people to ctb, rather, giving them options to lessen their pain and hearing them without threat. That is more valuable than the threat of imprisonment hanging over one's shoulders at every moment. I didn't mean to be judgemental, but looking back, I realize that my words definitely seem that way.

Pet loss is an awful experience, but it is unfortunately very widespread. I hope more places like these can help people grieve better and process their emotions more honestly.

 

[Allaboutit]

I lost my brother in June. He drank Sn after a long struggle with SI. His death is complicated for me. Firstly, I have bipolar ii and I've been hospitalized for attempts in the past. Also we were very close
And shared a good amount of philosophical ideas on a right to choose and antinatalism. I had no clue he was suicidal, despite long conversations comparing drug regimens and commiserating over how bleak the world is. And I wish I could have been there with him. In my dreams I see myself holding his hand as we listen to depression cherry. He deserved that. I feel guilty because even in his death I want to pull him back(albeit knowing that is selfish).I don't know how to juggle celebrating him finding peace with my immense grief. I want him here, I want to change his mind, but I also respect his decision and don't think anyone should stand in the way of him doing what's best for him. I've lost the one person who understood how it felt to live on the cliff side.

 

[SolomonKado]

I lost my brother in June. He drank Sn after a long struggle with SI. His death is complicated for me. Firstly, I have bipolar ii and I've been hospitalized for attempts in the past. Also we were very close
And shared a good amount of philosophical ideas on a right to choose and antinatalism. I had no clue he was suicidal, despite long conversations comparing drug regimens and commiserating over how bleak the world is. And I wish I could have been there with him. In my dreams I see myself holding his hand as we listen to depression cherry. He deserved that. I feel guilty because even in his death I want to pull him back(albeit knowing that is selfish).I don't know how to juggle celebrating him finding peace with my immense grief. I want him here, I want to change his mind, but I also respect his decision and don't think anyone should stand in the way of him doing what's best for him. I've lost the one person who understood how it felt to live on the cliff side.

I don't blame you for feeling that way. I lost my best friend and father when I was a child. No matter his ptsd from the military or other struggles I wanted him back. It's been impossible for me ever since to find another person like that who I could feel safe around and connected to. No one comes close…

 

[Iamtired]

Not a loss to suicide in my immediate life yet besides a friend 11 years ago. But I did lose my health and happiness due to medical injury 6 months ago and I have sought help but I cannot find it within myself to stay on this earth. I know I'm going to hurt people but I'm in so much physical and emotional pain everyday it's like trying to explain to god why you can't believe in him anymore and god Turning his head and telling you you're selfish and he is sorry for not being a better God.
I hate this world. I hate that I had to go through what I went through because someone looked at me for capital gains. Why is it like this here? What's the point of my existence and will I ever be good for anyone ever again as a human being in this damaged body? Why did this Happen? Why did I. Get preyed upon by multiple people and let down by everyone who said they "loved" me? I can't. I just can't.

 

[Allaboutit]

I don't blame you for feeling that way. I lost my best friend and father when I was a child. No matter his ptsd from the military or other struggles I wanted him back. It's been impossible for me ever since to find another person like that who I could feel safe around and connected to. No one comes close…

I'm so sorry. Losing multiple people you were close to had to be unbearable. Thank you for commiserating. I hope it at least gets easier. I resonate with you lamenting a lack of a safe person. I too feel a huge loss, I'm not sure who to cry with when he was the one I lent on.

Not a loss to suicide in my immediate life yet besides a friend 11 years ago. But I did lose my health and happiness due to medical injury 6 months ago and I have sought help but I cannot find it within myself to stay on this earth. I know I'm going to hurt people but I'm in so much physical and emotional pain everyday it's like trying to explain to god why you can't believe in him anymore and god Turning his head and telling you you're selfish and he is sorry for not being a better God.
I hate this world. I hate that I had to go through what I went through because someone looked at me for capital gains. Why is it like this here? What's the point of my existence and will I ever be good for anyone ever again as a human being in this damaged body? Why did this Happen? Why did I. Get preyed upon by multiple people and let down by everyone who said they "loved" me? I can't. I just can't.

It sounds like you've lost a lot. This world is an enigma of pain, filled with people profiting off of us. I hope you can find some comraderie here and I hope there is solace for all of us.

 

[Unattainable666]

My 12 year old daughter was murdered and my grown son has disowned me because his wife doesn't like me. the grief is overwhelming no matter how much time has passed. It's sad that we need this thread, but I am so grateful for it.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I miss my best friend and my gf. It won't be long before others join them, there have already been others.

 

[nembutal]

i want my ex back. he deserves to be here more than i do

 

[almondmilk]

i miss him so bad , i wish i could change everything , i want what we once had :((( why doesn't he miss me?