Discussion Guilt surrounding ctb

[BoyWhoTripped]

Hello, this is my first time posting a thread on here, I've been lurking for a long time too nervous to post anything. Nice to meet you all, and I hope this is ok to post.

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced an immense feeling of guilt leading up to ctb? I don't need a solution if you don't have one, I just want to know if anyone else has felt this.

I know if I succeed in ctb, I'll probably never know how the people around me now will react to it, but I still feel so much guilt knowing I'm going to hurt the few people that do care about me. I have this imagery in my head of my parents and siblings upset and crying after finding out I'm dead, and it has stopped me from going through with my plans in the past. Guilt has been a close friend of mine since I was young, but I didn't expect it to show up like this. I know the people in my life would be better off without me, but I also know they'll be sad, and hurt, and I don't want that. I just wish my existence could be forgotten.

 

[pretentioussuika]

I've been wanting it for so long, things have always and only gotten worse and worse and worse. I have nobody there for me, but even if i did, the ultimate fact is that none of that is going to matter to me if I'm dead. That takes a while to sink in, but suffice to say it has sufficiently sunk for me.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi! Feel free to post and express how you are feeling, this is a safe space for that :)

And to your question, Yes. Guilt is very common from what I've seen here. Lot's of people have expressed that. I don't have a solution I could give you either. It's just a human emotion that shows you care for others, even while going through that much pain.

Personally, guilt has kept me alive thus far. But like you say it does little to alleviate the desire to die, if anything it adds more weight and suffering to it. It's both a lifejacket and a chokehold, an anchor to life you sometimes wish you could get rid of and a painful reminder of your humanity. It's love that hurts, and its pushback. I'm just getting silly poetic there but I hope you know what I mean.

I also often wish I could just be forgotten, but we have to live with that imposibility. Guilt is not a good friend, it hurts, but it also speaks truth. It can help a little once you realize it is the brain reaction to the love you have for those around you. The bigger it is the more it'll hurt. It's a good meter for that, and It may led you to cherish them a bit more while you can. It helped me like that, but it is still a daily struggle. So I feel you.
Whatever you do I can only hope it gets a little easier to deal with it. Lots of hugs at ya <333

 

[BoyWhoTripped]

Hi! Feel free to post and express how you are feeling, this is a safe space for that :)

And to your question, Yes. Guilt is very common from what I've seen here. Lot's of people have expressed that. I don't have a solution I could give you either. It's just a human emotion that shows you care for others, even while going through that much pain.

Personally, guilt has kept me alive thus far. But like you say it does little to alleviate the desire to die, if anything it adds more weight and suffering to it. It's both a lifejacket and a chokehold, an anchor to life you sometimes wish you could get rid of and a painful reminder of your humanity. It's love that hurts, and its pushback. I'm just getting silly poetic there but I hope you know what I mean.

I also often wish I could just be forgotten, but we have to live with that imposibility. Guilt is not a good friend, it hurts, but it also speaks truth. It can help a little once you realize it is the brain reaction to the love you have for those around you. The bigger it is the more it'll hurt. It's a good meter for that, and It may led you to cherish them a bit more while you can. It helped me like that, but it is still a daily struggle. So I feel you.
Whatever you do I can only hope it gets a little easier to deal with it. Lots of hugs at ya <333

Thank you. <3

And thank you for putting what I can't express properly into words so beautifully. You worded it better than I ever could, and I do get what you mean. Guilt has kept me alive too, for a very long time, I relate to that very hard. Guilt doesn't make me want to live, but it stops me from dying as well. In a mental sense, I always seem to be stuck somewhere in between life and death. I don't live, but I'm not dead - I don't want to live, but there's barriers in the way of my death as well.

And that's true, it does mean I love and care for them I suppose. I hope to be able to express that to them before I go, if I decide to go. Guilt is there for a reason though, as is any human emotion. I just wish I could overpower it.

Anyway... thank you. I hope the guilt alleviates for you too. Lots of hugs at you too, I appreciate your reply. <33

 

[getoutgirl]

Thank you. <3

And thank you for putting what I can't express properly into words so beautifully. You worded it better than I ever could, and I do get what you mean. Guilt has kept me alive too, for a very long time, I relate to that very hard. Guilt doesn't make me want to live, but it stops me from dying as well. In a mental sense, I always seem to be stuck somewhere in between life and death. I don't live, but I'm not dead - I don't want to live, but there's barriers in the way of my death as well.

And that's true, it does mean I love and care for them I suppose. I hope to be able to express that to them before I go, if I decide to go. Guilt is there for a reason though, as is any human emotion. I just wish I could overpower it.

Anyway... thank you. I hope the guilt alleviates for you too. Lots of hugs at you too, I appreciate your reply. <33

Yeah I know that state. When guilt has a hold of you like that its asphyxiating. It doesn't help (and it is the root cause really) that in that state the two things you want most, that is to die, and to not hurt those around you, are completely incompatible, they run on different directions. You try to think of loopholes but there are not. So you are left there hanging, pulled and holding by the tethers from both sides, dangling over the void. And it gets cold out there. Like you say you can barely call that living. It is more like survival. And if you stay there long enough, you go numb, to a point that it is basically death but with the brain on, hoping desperately for a way to turn it off but unable to because there is still that barrier.

My biggest fear is that one day, following that trajectory, I may completely lose my empathy. That I go numb enough I am no longer able to care for the pain it would inflict on my loved ones. Because then I would have lost my humanity and I could give in to the impulse. That's I think the only way to "overpower it" and it is not pretty, just out of sheer pain an exhaustion. Hasn't happened to me yet but I've gotten close at times. And I really wouldn't wish that on anyone, but at times is all I wish, so i get why you too.
I hope you and I and everyone here can stay, put that guilt into better use and love those around us, some of us can make it there.

sorry for the pedantic text I can't for the life of me write just a normal sentence at times lol. Specially with these topics that hit me hard, I've thought about them A Lot and Im sure you have too.
Some more hugs at ya because all the people here would appreciate a few. Take care and take it slow when you can, don't underestimate what you are gonig through <3333