ploppington
no one’s safe space
- Nov 29, 2024
- 6
I sometimes wish I didn't have a love of my life and a cat acknowledging me. I feel so guilty for thinking that way.
I've had suicidal ideation for majority of my life and it was like… easier when I was a teen compared to as an adult who is medicated, had (and failed) with therapy many times, and people I like/love who has said they feel the same. The fact that I am being acknowledged and depended on for full emotional transparency is what's fucked me up because I have to think about HIM *AND* my own brain and actions.
Damage has already been done. I can tell that spark and admiration for me from the start isn't there anymore. He has seen my emotional immaturity, embarrassing amounts of nonchalant self deprecation, lack of communication skills AND my autistic ass can't even tell majority of the time. I try so hard to get rid of it, and when I realize I can't, I try so hard to hide it. I wish I can hide my emotions and just smile and not react. Ig I've always had a low pain tolerance. Cringe.
It's all due to caregivers growing up who also had exact shit like that going on, but I really thought I was going to be better than that.
Any mention of just a SMALL TINGE suicidal ideation does NOT end up well. Obviously telling me to get better and they've felt the same and recovered. I know it's super dumb and selfish but I'm holding myself back from self destruction because of him. It's way easier to do that as an adult living in a big city and not an only child in the middle of nowhere.
I just want to be positive and headstrong all the time by doing the right things like I mentioned before: meds, therapy, good habits. But how do I fix something so so ingrained in me which I've tried so hard to change AND also fix people's perception of me after I've opened up? This is what's fucking me up so much.
I've recently made an account here, instead of just lurking in this website for people to relate to. I just need to have like some form human interaction without being scared of other people's reactions instead of just writing it a private diary, I guess. Even thought I have people in my life, I still feel so alone.
It's easier for me to not show my uncomfortable emotions to my love when I lurk in websites like this. This is the best I got right now after everything. I want to live but I don't want to. I can't communicate that feeling well.
(1)
I've had suicidal ideation for majority of my life and it was like… easier when I was a teen compared to as an adult who is medicated, had (and failed) with therapy many times, and people I like/love who has said they feel the same. The fact that I am being acknowledged and depended on for full emotional transparency is what's fucked me up because I have to think about HIM *AND* my own brain and actions.
Damage has already been done. I can tell that spark and admiration for me from the start isn't there anymore. He has seen my emotional immaturity, embarrassing amounts of nonchalant self deprecation, lack of communication skills AND my autistic ass can't even tell majority of the time. I try so hard to get rid of it, and when I realize I can't, I try so hard to hide it. I wish I can hide my emotions and just smile and not react. Ig I've always had a low pain tolerance. Cringe.
It's all due to caregivers growing up who also had exact shit like that going on, but I really thought I was going to be better than that.
Any mention of just a SMALL TINGE suicidal ideation does NOT end up well. Obviously telling me to get better and they've felt the same and recovered. I know it's super dumb and selfish but I'm holding myself back from self destruction because of him. It's way easier to do that as an adult living in a big city and not an only child in the middle of nowhere.
I just want to be positive and headstrong all the time by doing the right things like I mentioned before: meds, therapy, good habits. But how do I fix something so so ingrained in me which I've tried so hard to change AND also fix people's perception of me after I've opened up? This is what's fucking me up so much.
I've recently made an account here, instead of just lurking in this website for people to relate to. I just need to have like some form human interaction without being scared of other people's reactions instead of just writing it a private diary, I guess. Even thought I have people in my life, I still feel so alone.
It's easier for me to not show my uncomfortable emotions to my love when I lurk in websites like this. This is the best I got right now after everything. I want to live but I don't want to. I can't communicate that feeling well.
(1)
