I almost never dream. Since adulthood I can barely remember dreaming a handful of times, and in the last 10 yrs, none!!
I have been suicidal for the last few years due to health reasons. Last week I was under so much stress that I cut myself with a long knife. Sliced all over my arms, stomach and legs. Bled like crazy all night long and turned my bedsheet and mattress and floor Red. I never thought I would do such a thing since I always thought cutting oneself to be "overdramatic" since it almost never results in death. But I was faced with so much social abuse and pressure due to my condition that ended up doing it anyways.
It's like I could feel the dam of my cortisol tolerance collapsing.
2 days ago I made my first serious attempt to CTB via partial hanging. SI kicked in, I started to flail around and my necktie snapped!
But for those few moments I really felt like this was it. There was such a rush of emotions in my brain!
Then yesterday night I had a Dream!!
In the dream I was back at my university for some reason. It was a nice sunny day and I was literally able to leap over the univ buildings. I felt so light, so happy, leaping high up with each step I took, bidding my college friends goodbye, laughing and frolicking around.
When I finally woke up after the long dream I was,
1. surprised because I had a dream! I never have dreams, and
2. I felt like it was God's way of telling me that,
it was okay. I am free to leave this world and all will be forgiven.
I have been feeling relaxed since then and am preparing to make my next attempt.
I have been suicidal for the last few years due to health reasons. Last week I was under so much stress that I cut myself with a long knife. Sliced all over my arms, stomach and legs. Bled like crazy all night long and turned my bedsheet and mattress and floor Red. I never thought I would do such a thing since I always thought cutting oneself to be "overdramatic" since it almost never results in death. But I was faced with so much social abuse and pressure due to my condition that ended up doing it anyways.
It's like I could feel the dam of my cortisol tolerance collapsing.
2 days ago I made my first serious attempt to CTB via partial hanging. SI kicked in, I started to flail around and my necktie snapped!
But for those few moments I really felt like this was it. There was such a rush of emotions in my brain!
Then yesterday night I had a Dream!!
In the dream I was back at my university for some reason. It was a nice sunny day and I was literally able to leap over the univ buildings. I felt so light, so happy, leaping high up with each step I took, bidding my college friends goodbye, laughing and frolicking around.
When I finally woke up after the long dream I was,
1. surprised because I had a dream! I never have dreams, and
2. I felt like it was God's way of telling me that,
it was okay. I am free to leave this world and all will be forgiven.
I have been feeling relaxed since then and am preparing to make my next attempt.
