ambivalent_thespian
Depressed Theatre Adult
- Oct 5, 2023
- 30
so i decided to check out some of the recovery resources and i was looking at this one about the different fear responses and how they react to trauma.
Now, I'd heard of this phenomenon before, both as an actor who needs to have a baseline psychology understanding, and in my school health class. And I'd always classified myself as freeze. You know, there's nothing you can do about this so just disassociate away all your problems. Because I'm too agreeable to leave a situation or to fight my way out. I never even considered I could be fawn because, well, I'm not nice! I'm not one of those pretty perfect girls who is always helping someone. I'm self centered and self serving. And I try and be helpful to offset that a bit.
But when i looked at that specific one, when they talked about feeling like you need to sacrifice boundaries and needs to be happy in a relationship, it felt like my whole life staring back at me. But then again, circling back to the "generally bitchy" thing. When have I ever betrayed myself to help someone else?
And then i thought about it more. See, I was a performer for a long time, and I might be going back to it soon. In recent time, I've struggled to separate my "persona" from my "personality". Now, I'm no hot shot or anything, but i think my relationship to myself as a performer, I think that might be the most self destructive thing about me.
Because while I don't necessarily care about helping, I need people to see me as pretty, as perfect, as sexually appealing, smart, kind, talented, all of it. But I don't want to be perfect in the traditional sense. But I do want to cultivate a very specific image. And that image isn't real but God if i don't spend my every waking moment trying to make it real.
Selling my sadness as a brand in the most literal sense, I suppose.
So yeah I'm not a type A dream girl. I'm everything pretty and ugly about myself, and none of it is real. I cater to my audience all the time. it's exhausting. it makes me look needy. *Everything* is for show.
And at the risk of sounding like a sociopath, I do care abt my actual friends and family, I want to see them happy. But I also want to see that my audience is enjoying the show, so to speak.
idk, i feel lost in a really empty way. Additional thoughts would be appreciated, here or in private
Now, I'd heard of this phenomenon before, both as an actor who needs to have a baseline psychology understanding, and in my school health class. And I'd always classified myself as freeze. You know, there's nothing you can do about this so just disassociate away all your problems. Because I'm too agreeable to leave a situation or to fight my way out. I never even considered I could be fawn because, well, I'm not nice! I'm not one of those pretty perfect girls who is always helping someone. I'm self centered and self serving. And I try and be helpful to offset that a bit.
But when i looked at that specific one, when they talked about feeling like you need to sacrifice boundaries and needs to be happy in a relationship, it felt like my whole life staring back at me. But then again, circling back to the "generally bitchy" thing. When have I ever betrayed myself to help someone else?
And then i thought about it more. See, I was a performer for a long time, and I might be going back to it soon. In recent time, I've struggled to separate my "persona" from my "personality". Now, I'm no hot shot or anything, but i think my relationship to myself as a performer, I think that might be the most self destructive thing about me.
Because while I don't necessarily care about helping, I need people to see me as pretty, as perfect, as sexually appealing, smart, kind, talented, all of it. But I don't want to be perfect in the traditional sense. But I do want to cultivate a very specific image. And that image isn't real but God if i don't spend my every waking moment trying to make it real.
Selling my sadness as a brand in the most literal sense, I suppose.
So yeah I'm not a type A dream girl. I'm everything pretty and ugly about myself, and none of it is real. I cater to my audience all the time. it's exhausting. it makes me look needy. *Everything* is for show.
And at the risk of sounding like a sociopath, I do care abt my actual friends and family, I want to see them happy. But I also want to see that my audience is enjoying the show, so to speak.
idk, i feel lost in a really empty way. Additional thoughts would be appreciated, here or in private
