I gotta be completely honest. I meet this forum through an UK music YouTuber which tried so hard to warn you about the "dangers" of this place, but I ended up realizing that this place is better than he said and what I expected. I liked it so much that I wanted to share a words with you people.
At the time im writing this I've written a goodbye letter to my family as the final thoughts on everyone I know and it'll remain very well hidden until I manage to find either a reason to keep fighting, or if I lose all hope, a good CBT plan.
Now I want to talk a little bit about myself.
I was born in Venezuela, back in 2004. My mother was originally born in Chile but she moved out from there thanks to my grandparents, resulting in her living for almost 40 years in the country. For me, my childhood was wonderful and even though I didn't have many friends of my age, I had enough and life wasn't going half bad. I didn't had much because of the change of events the country was living ( in 1999 Hugo Chávez was running the country and then in 2013 Nicolás Maduro took power, destroying the already very damaged economy.), but I felt like I had enough, more than enough. We were kinda poor but we were happy. We where into religion at the time and the kingdom hall in which we had our reunions really felt like a real brotherhood. Everyone was just friendly and humble and everyone will help any brother in need, we all hang out to rivers or beaches and we all had great times together. If a brother was in need of money for anything, the elders (that's how "high ranks" were called) would announce it so we can help that brother out. It was beautiful.
When I was 13, around 2017 is when everything started going to hell.
In that year, I developed a serious skin illness that was just around the corner of becoming a serious skin cancer because the mosquitos were very aggressive and our nutrition was starting to drop along with constant blackouts, issues with the water supply and almost everything just started to be more and more harder. Money wasn't worth shit, so my mother when into the neighbor country to work for a few months in order to execute the next plan: Leave everything we had behind and move to a different country.
Of course, her main objective was Chile since she was born here. So she opted for taking bus routes all the way to the country, so I had to take the hardest bus ride in my life to achieve that goal. It was horrendous, I was constantly dizzy since I've developed a serious motion sickness when I was more young and it really kicked in when traveling around, but it was the cheapest way so I had to endure it. After 11 days of constant bus traveling, we arrived into Chile and went to seek refuge in the house of my mother's sister.
After being some days in the capital city, I had to move out to a more smaller town, where my mother could find a
a more stable job and I could start going into school.
This is when the never ending nightmare starts.
I entered in one of the local schools near the house I was living. Place seemed fine and the school principal was very sweet, she gave me a little tour around the place and I really liked it, and after all of that she tells me that "since I arrived a little later after the school year started, I couldn't actually start leveling, but I could stay and watch clases with the grade level I'm in so I could get comfortable". It was fucking hell.
All my classmates were jerks, always looking for ways to troll me or to humiliate me. I had nicknames like Maduro, skeleton, zombie (because of the sleep problems I generated here, I had very dark circles under my eyes) and I got bullied hard and generally was left pretty hurt. There were 2 boys that I talked to that were friendly to me, but they didn't saw me as a friend. After the year finished, I ended up repeating that grade again thanks to what I said earlier, and it became even worse.
I had to move out from the house I was in because of a problem we had with the neighbors, and the place we moved into was really far away from that school, so I had to take the school's transportation. The woman driving the school van was friendly in the beginning until she realized where I was from, then she stared being a complete bitch. First she arrived at one hour, then she arrived a little more early, then more later than the original hour, then extremely early (I'm talking about half an hour more earlier or later) and sometime she waited for only 1 minute or even less. Once, she leaved even though I was in front of the stop and she could clearly see me (the school's uniform was a very bright red), and that was just the beginning.
My experience with my new classmates was just even worse than the first ones. I was sexually harassed by a girl with lots of problems in her life, my classmates were even worse jerks and they even accused me of spreading a video about that same girl being insulted or something like that. Even the teachers were assholes with me. There was this one teacher that told me to bring a late assignment later in the afternoon only for him to let me stood up and a day later tell me that "I didn't saw you downstairs where I was waiting" (complete bullshit). Even one of my classmates robbed me a little portable internet device that worked like an smartphone Hotspot with a SIM. This device was given to almost all the kids in that school because it was government issued, so it all breaks down to him trying to hurt me.
To sum it all up, after I leaved that school I was seriously injured in a lot of ways. I was left with lots of insecurities and trusting issues that to this very day I can't seem to fix. I ended up in a very different school and things seem to improve for a while, only for it to be even worse.
My days in the new school were better. I had great times there, but after I came out shit just went south extremely quick.
After I leaved and thanks to all the problems I've generated, I fumbled extremely bad with a beautiful girl I meet in that school, ending up in a ruined relationship that hurts me to this day. To make you understand why it hurts, is because I'm really not a social person, and I'm almost incapable of starting a conversation and I also don't really like hitting on girls because I consider that to be disgusting, so having a friend that liked me was like a one in a million chance for me, let alone that a few of my friends got experiences with girls that I would never get so my insecurities just scaled up along with my frustrations. Also, I realized that most of those friends didn't really cared that much for me as I thought they did, I started to become some sort of a punching bag in the chat groups and that pushed me to cut them up for good, resulting in me ending even more alone.
Everything just became worse went I entered in an institute to get a degree. I feel so out of place walking around there that is frightening. Everybody seems to have a wonderful life full of experiences and crazy stuff, lots of guys befriending professors like nothing and being very charismatic and of course, almost all my peers have girlfriends and cars and shit. It's like life is telling me how much I suck and how much im missing out. I feel like a robot that just goes there to attend classes and then leave and that's it. I've got nothing else to do and every time I try to change my life everything just goes wrong. I feel like an annoyance to my family and I can't really stand the fact that I'm just a human shell. I didn't live anything and I'm not interesting in any way. I'm so fucking tired of this that I've decided that I'm done. I'm an unlucky miserable ugly bastard living with 0 social skills living for miserable life goals because I can't change shit. People always tell you "You need to distract yourself" "Find a hobby" "do something to distract your mind" but all my hobbies ended up in frustration. I like voice acting but never managed to become one, I wanted to become a YouTuber and streamer but dropped it once I realized I wasn't suited for it and to this day I can't seem to find something that I'm good at, as I lack skills to do anything that's remotely interesting or useful. Of course, to add it to the pile of burning trash, in also really ugly and unappealing. Even some people had told me that I got a very unfriendly face and that I look like I'm angry or something. I'm just fucking done.
I'm open to any advice or into chatting, as even though I'm almost out of hope I'm still trying to kinda cling to life.
PD: sorry if my english is trash, i learned most of it playing video games.
At the time im writing this I've written a goodbye letter to my family as the final thoughts on everyone I know and it'll remain very well hidden until I manage to find either a reason to keep fighting, or if I lose all hope, a good CBT plan.
Now I want to talk a little bit about myself.
I was born in Venezuela, back in 2004. My mother was originally born in Chile but she moved out from there thanks to my grandparents, resulting in her living for almost 40 years in the country. For me, my childhood was wonderful and even though I didn't have many friends of my age, I had enough and life wasn't going half bad. I didn't had much because of the change of events the country was living ( in 1999 Hugo Chávez was running the country and then in 2013 Nicolás Maduro took power, destroying the already very damaged economy.), but I felt like I had enough, more than enough. We were kinda poor but we were happy. We where into religion at the time and the kingdom hall in which we had our reunions really felt like a real brotherhood. Everyone was just friendly and humble and everyone will help any brother in need, we all hang out to rivers or beaches and we all had great times together. If a brother was in need of money for anything, the elders (that's how "high ranks" were called) would announce it so we can help that brother out. It was beautiful.
When I was 13, around 2017 is when everything started going to hell.
In that year, I developed a serious skin illness that was just around the corner of becoming a serious skin cancer because the mosquitos were very aggressive and our nutrition was starting to drop along with constant blackouts, issues with the water supply and almost everything just started to be more and more harder. Money wasn't worth shit, so my mother when into the neighbor country to work for a few months in order to execute the next plan: Leave everything we had behind and move to a different country.
Of course, her main objective was Chile since she was born here. So she opted for taking bus routes all the way to the country, so I had to take the hardest bus ride in my life to achieve that goal. It was horrendous, I was constantly dizzy since I've developed a serious motion sickness when I was more young and it really kicked in when traveling around, but it was the cheapest way so I had to endure it. After 11 days of constant bus traveling, we arrived into Chile and went to seek refuge in the house of my mother's sister.
After being some days in the capital city, I had to move out to a more smaller town, where my mother could find a
a more stable job and I could start going into school.
This is when the never ending nightmare starts.
I entered in one of the local schools near the house I was living. Place seemed fine and the school principal was very sweet, she gave me a little tour around the place and I really liked it, and after all of that she tells me that "since I arrived a little later after the school year started, I couldn't actually start leveling, but I could stay and watch clases with the grade level I'm in so I could get comfortable". It was fucking hell.
All my classmates were jerks, always looking for ways to troll me or to humiliate me. I had nicknames like Maduro, skeleton, zombie (because of the sleep problems I generated here, I had very dark circles under my eyes) and I got bullied hard and generally was left pretty hurt. There were 2 boys that I talked to that were friendly to me, but they didn't saw me as a friend. After the year finished, I ended up repeating that grade again thanks to what I said earlier, and it became even worse.
I had to move out from the house I was in because of a problem we had with the neighbors, and the place we moved into was really far away from that school, so I had to take the school's transportation. The woman driving the school van was friendly in the beginning until she realized where I was from, then she stared being a complete bitch. First she arrived at one hour, then she arrived a little more early, then more later than the original hour, then extremely early (I'm talking about half an hour more earlier or later) and sometime she waited for only 1 minute or even less. Once, she leaved even though I was in front of the stop and she could clearly see me (the school's uniform was a very bright red), and that was just the beginning.
My experience with my new classmates was just even worse than the first ones. I was sexually harassed by a girl with lots of problems in her life, my classmates were even worse jerks and they even accused me of spreading a video about that same girl being insulted or something like that. Even the teachers were assholes with me. There was this one teacher that told me to bring a late assignment later in the afternoon only for him to let me stood up and a day later tell me that "I didn't saw you downstairs where I was waiting" (complete bullshit). Even one of my classmates robbed me a little portable internet device that worked like an smartphone Hotspot with a SIM. This device was given to almost all the kids in that school because it was government issued, so it all breaks down to him trying to hurt me.
To sum it all up, after I leaved that school I was seriously injured in a lot of ways. I was left with lots of insecurities and trusting issues that to this very day I can't seem to fix. I ended up in a very different school and things seem to improve for a while, only for it to be even worse.
My days in the new school were better. I had great times there, but after I came out shit just went south extremely quick.
After I leaved and thanks to all the problems I've generated, I fumbled extremely bad with a beautiful girl I meet in that school, ending up in a ruined relationship that hurts me to this day. To make you understand why it hurts, is because I'm really not a social person, and I'm almost incapable of starting a conversation and I also don't really like hitting on girls because I consider that to be disgusting, so having a friend that liked me was like a one in a million chance for me, let alone that a few of my friends got experiences with girls that I would never get so my insecurities just scaled up along with my frustrations. Also, I realized that most of those friends didn't really cared that much for me as I thought they did, I started to become some sort of a punching bag in the chat groups and that pushed me to cut them up for good, resulting in me ending even more alone.
Everything just became worse went I entered in an institute to get a degree. I feel so out of place walking around there that is frightening. Everybody seems to have a wonderful life full of experiences and crazy stuff, lots of guys befriending professors like nothing and being very charismatic and of course, almost all my peers have girlfriends and cars and shit. It's like life is telling me how much I suck and how much im missing out. I feel like a robot that just goes there to attend classes and then leave and that's it. I've got nothing else to do and every time I try to change my life everything just goes wrong. I feel like an annoyance to my family and I can't really stand the fact that I'm just a human shell. I didn't live anything and I'm not interesting in any way. I'm so fucking tired of this that I've decided that I'm done. I'm an unlucky miserable ugly bastard living with 0 social skills living for miserable life goals because I can't change shit. People always tell you "You need to distract yourself" "Find a hobby" "do something to distract your mind" but all my hobbies ended up in frustration. I like voice acting but never managed to become one, I wanted to become a YouTuber and streamer but dropped it once I realized I wasn't suited for it and to this day I can't seem to find something that I'm good at, as I lack skills to do anything that's remotely interesting or useful. Of course, to add it to the pile of burning trash, in also really ugly and unappealing. Even some people had told me that I got a very unfriendly face and that I look like I'm angry or something. I'm just fucking done.
I'm open to any advice or into chatting, as even though I'm almost out of hope I'm still trying to kinda cling to life.
PD: sorry if my english is trash, i learned most of it playing video games.
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