I had an argument earlier with my mom. She's very insensitive. Maybe she's one of the factors why i want to die very quick. I've never done anything right in her eyes and it makes me so furious. Her mouth is like a machine gun that never stops and her words pierce more than a knife. I was avoiding not to burst out but she provoked me. And now i just fucking hate myself for that.
Something I want to mention is no matter how difficult it seems to believe, you do have some control over the situation. From what I'm hearing, your mom seems like an insensitive narcissist who has absolutely no empathy and raised you improperly, which causes you to have low self-esteem.
The first technique of control over this situation is to
choose how you respond. You cannot choose how your mom acts towards you. She likely will never change: she might be nice for a while, but she will probably return to be emotionally abusive to you again. You will not be able to change your mom, but what you can choose is how you respond. It sounds difficult, but just telling yourself, "Her words do not matter to me," in her head or saying to yourself, "I choose to ignore my mom's comments." Reminding yourself that you have emotional control over the situation already wins most of the battle.
The second technique of control over this situation is to leave your mom and have distance. You might be a minor or be dependent on her, but you should try to find some other place to live if you legally can leave. If you're under 18, don't run away because you need to be able to sustain yourself. You don't want to get into sex trafficking or something. If your family has resources and you want to go to college, it might be worth just staying home to study and then working on technique one. Doing studying and sustaining yourself financially is really difficult, so if you have the privilege to stay home and have financial means covered for you, most definitely do this. Becoming emotionally stronger is better than being worked to death.
Another technique of control is to see this entire situation as a sign from the universe that the universe is preparing you for something. You will always deal with stupid people who spend all of their own energy to criticize you, and learning to deal with it now means you won't struggle with the same issue in the future. Even if your relationship with your mom became perfect tomorrow, I can guarantee you would find someone else in your life who would try to criticize you. Hate from others will never stop. That's why I'd say to take this as a test to just become stronger.
Another technique to mentally be happy is just to do some reflections on your thinking. My morning reflection is like this:
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What does my soul need today?
What am I most excited about in my life today?
What am I ready to welcome more of into the world?
What are three things I am grateful for today?
What are 1-3 things I could do today to bring me joy? And, 1-3 things I can do to bring someone else joy?
How do I want to feel at the end of today?
A situation that might trip me today is … and the way that my best self would deal with it is…
Read and feel these affirmations:
- I am empowered to succeed.
- I have the courage to live my dreams.
- I am worthy of love.
- I will move through my day with gratitude,
- I am strong in mind, body, and spirit.
- I am driven by passion and purpose.
- I am capable of anything I focus on intentionally.
- I inhale confidence and exhale fear.
- I am loved, loving, and lovable.
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And my evening reflection is like...
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Success
What are five accomplishments for the day?
What did I do well?
What should I continue to do from now on?
- - - - - -
Growth
What is something that did not go so well?
Remember that you still have a lot to learn! You're X(age) and have your entire life ahead of you. Don't feel bad about your mistakes. Take your mistakes to grow! Never think that you are at the last, most mature version of yourself.
How can you change your perspective on the situation?
What can you do better next time?
- - - - - -
Reflection
What are some lessons you learned today?
What are you grateful for?
What do you feel about today, acknowledging both your successes and places for growth?
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I use these questions to look more at my experience in my life with more logical thinking and without my depression flooding my thoughts irrationally. After a few months, I can guarantee you will be mentally stronger if you use these things.
Another technique I'd suggest if you need to calm down is just to do some deep breathing, even if you're in the middle of arguing with your mom. Just take some slow breaths and focus on your breath when you're frustrated. 15 calm and focused breaths will usually do the trick to relax your mind.
I hope this helps. I know what you're going through is so difficult and it leaves you frustrated and upset. I understand that. Just try to see how these techniques work because they usually work for me. If you're closer to the beginning of the day, go ahead and try the morning reflection by copying it and putting it on a google document. You can do the same correspondingly for the evening one. You can also just do it in a real-life notebook, but I'm a lot faster typing so I can pick up every thought in my mind while I'm typing. Anyway, I hope this helps. Sending love.
