Venting Have literally zero friends, but never seem to be that lonely. Anyone else?

[charaunderground]

First — not sure if right subforum, so sorry.

Really don't know if my brain just zapped itself from literal actual years of isolation, or if online interactions scratch the socialization itch, but I don't think I've had anyone IRL I could call a "friend" (outside of siblings) since I graduated high school. Maybe earlier. Even then, those were School Friends. We'd talk at school and maybe message after on occasion (in a group, never one on one) but they'd never visit me and I'd never visit them. I had friends come over in middle school and maybe freshman year, but this stopped at some point and I never put in effort to continue. I don't think I ever really wanted anyone over anyways if memory serves.

Nowadays as a twenty-something-ish adult, I talk to coworkers. I can be sociable enough At Work and get along with folks okay in a workplace environment. But I don't think they count as "friends". I know some of my coworkers are friends and interact outside of the job, but I never do with any of them. So perhaps they're all my acquaintances at best?

It's weird, because I'm pretty sure a lot of people would feel distressed about this, but meanwhile I hardly ever care unless someone brings it up in a way that's really rude or direct. If I never had to leave the house ever again to interact with others, I feel like it would take an unusually long time for loneliness to hit. If I lived alone I'd probably not speak days on end.

I think being so private and isolative my whole life (and closeted, and "secretly" mentally ill, and having any semblance of personality or interests and whatever else abused out of me, and whatever else) has sort of made me genuinely uncomfortable with people who get too close in my private life outside of work / school. Anyone who tries to pry too much into why I do / don't do xyz makes me cringe. People trying to "figure me out" is worse.

I don't know, maybe I just don't want to be known — or maybe I do, but not in person.

 

[radiohead]

mhm, felt. i get the brain zapped thing, picturing myself with in-person relationships beyond those im sort of obligated to keep up is so foreign that it's hard to miss now. not that upset about it, i just wish there were a way to be forced back into a life like that without all the weird gradual stuff that i've got literally zero experience with outside of a school setting. being so clueless on how to 180° my life like that is one of the biggest reasons i'm on a site like this. someone drag me outside by my hair kthx

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate so much. During my childhood, I used to care so much about my lack of friends and that hurt me but as I grew up more and more, I started to care less about not making friends. Now I just don't want any irl friends at all although it is nice when I have online friends that actually understand me. I think that the reason as to why this is weird is because everybody keeps on saying that socialising is required for every human being for them to be happy and so on. In my case though, I think I'd be so miserable if I had irl friends because dealing with people sounds so exhausting. I'd rather just be isolated in my room all day, I don't want to socialise with people irl. Clearly not all of us want socialisation and are happy enough without it.

This is random but I really like your clover pfp

 

[timorousTruant]

I feel the same. Some people just prefer solitude (though this comes in various degrees from only preferential to dysfunctional). Personally I find almost all social interaction to be an annoyance at best and unbearable at worst, though I heavily suspect I have both AvPD and SzPD so my situation may be different from yours. I almost always prefer to be alone now, and I seem completely unaffected by loneliness. I'm just more content when I don't have to deal with others' feelings.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

In school, I had a few, now I have One and we met in the psych ward of all places. But she recently moved. But I can't say I've ever been lonely. there were times I was bored but not lonely. Of course it also could be that I'm 44 and have lived with my parents my whole life so I never truly got that time completely alone to be able to enjoy it and therefore maybe want something else.

However, I will say that while I was being a wage slave, it was completely embarrassing. I never had really anyone to talk about or any stories about what I did. It just made me feel more like a freak.

 

[maniac116]

I've been a solitary person most of my life. I've learned to entertain myself. I occasionally feel like the outcast that I am but I have hobbies.
I live with my girlfriend who I do love but she's rather detached

 

[J&L383]

I feel the same. Some people just prefer solitude (though this comes in various degrees from only preferential to dysfunctional). Personally I find almost all social interaction to be an annoyance at best and unbearable at worst, though I heavily suspect I have both AvPD and SzPD so my situation may be different from yours. I almost always prefer to be alone now, and I seem completely unaffected by loneliness. I'm just more content when I don't have to deal with others' feelings.

I could have written this. (Except the acronyms, I had to look those up, but they may be applicable too). Glad to know I'm not alone.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

This is me. I'm much older than you, though. When I was little, being part of a friend group was very important and I hated being alone. And then, when I was a teenager I was really awkward and had no friends. It was really hard but I found that not having friends was better than trying to have friends and being rejected. I didn't see much point in having acquaintances (it seemed so phony), and I live alone and spend a lot of time alone. I have found, though, that there are times when you need to have social circle-- even if it's just for things like a letter of recommendation, or for your neighbors to know who you are, etc. So, keep staying in touch with people even if you don't always see the point. Definitely go to some of the work things, and always contribute if there's a group gift for a co-worker, it will help you out in the long run. And send Christmas cards to a large group of people every year. It is a small effort, but one that people remember.

 

[arandomname]

I'm generally fine with not having friends, generally don't feel lonely but I feel alone (there's a difference in my mind). I can be sociable and find people to talk to when I do feel the need to talk but struggle finding someone I would want in my life long term (and them wanting me to stay). Really just after one person who I want around and won't eventually leave. I get the feeling of not wanting to be known, I feel this towards the majority of people but every now and then I'll meet someone who I want to have them know all of me and those are the people I try to keep in my life.

 

[charaunderground]

This is me. I'm much older than you, though. When I was little, being part of a friend group was very important and I hated being alone. And then, when I was a teenager I was really awkward and had no friends. It was really hard but I found that not having friends was better than trying to have friends and being rejected. I didn't see much point in having acquaintances (it seemed so phony), and I live alone and spend a lot of time alone. I have found, though, that there are times when you need to have social circle-- even if it's just for things like a letter of recommendation, or for your neighbors to know who you are, etc. So, keep staying in touch with people even if you don't always see the point. Definitely go to some of the work things, and always contribute if there's a group gift for a co-worker, it will help you out in the long run. And send Christmas cards to a large group of people every year. It is a small effort, but one that people remember.

Yeah. I have "acquaintances" and "work friends", but no one I'd truly hang out with outside of these circumstances. It's not like there's literally no one at all, but no one "personal", I guess? At work I try to be friendly and polite (with mixed success, as social stuntedness makes me come off as somewhat awkward and neurotic), which is at least something.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

Yeah. I have "acquaintances" and "work friends", but no one I'd truly hang out with outside of these circumstances. It's not like there's literally no one at all, but no one "personal", I guess? At work I try to be friendly and polite (with mixed success, as social stuntedness makes me come off as somewhat awkward and neurotic), which is at least something.

I get that, and I always find the work socializing (and really any socializing) to be painfully awkward. It's good that you are keeping it up, though, since it's important for work and other things even if you don't feel that you need it on a day to day. I tend to like things that are loner activities-- studying, bike riding, etc.-- and I can definitely go a whole weekend without talking to anyone. I've done things like volunteering and art classes to make myself get out, and I've met some nice people that way.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's perfectly possible to be alone but not lonely. I've lived alone for over 20 years and worked alone for the last 6-7 years. I have had very good friends in the past but we all pretty much went our separate ways. It's hard to really know if we are even friends now. We're so rarely in touch apart from one person really. Like you, this forum fulfills a lot of my social needs. Maybe I'd struggle more without it.

I'm scared that maybe one day I will start to feel lonely. I suppose the discomfort I feel from being socially anxious has usually won out on the need for company. Like you say too- I think you just get used to it. The rare times I do feel a bit odd is when I am around people but then, return to being alone.

 

[Twiceler]

I had some people around me in childhood and then in teenage, but I didn't see anyone as my friend. I'm sure I would be easily diagnosed with "low-level" autism if I happened to be checked up by a doctor (I was bullied also).

Yet it has nothing to do with my suicidal thoughts.

 

[failureofahuman]

I really relate to your bit about not spending time with friends outside of school when you were a kid, that was the story of my life. Never got invited to birthday parties in elementary school, never got invited to crazy parties in high school, didn't get asked out to prom, didn't have a group of friends who I hung out with outside of school and did homework and watched TV with and talked to everyday. I would go straight home and hang out in my room alone every day after school until bed time.

I've spent long periods of my life without friends, and I killed my urge for friendship, if it was ever there in the first place. I have friends now but I don't spend much time with them (there's a group chat) and I hide a lot of things about myself. Honestly I wish I could ghost them sometimes but I actually like them enough that it offsets the urge to completely self-isolate. It doesn't feel that different than when I had no friends.

Whenever you say you don't have a lot of friends, people always fill that in with the platitudes of "quality over quantity," "you only need a few close friends," but none of the friends I have are close. I don't think I've ever had a close friend in my life. It's sad but honestly my fault because I find socializing to be a pain on account of my social anxiety. I realized the only thing that made me feel bad about not having friends is that it's considered a sign that there's something wrong with you, that you have bad qualities that push people away.

I also realized I've never really liked a lot of the people I was friends with, they just liked me for some reason and "adopted" me as a friend and I passively went along with it, putting zero effort into the friendship, and they tolerated it for a while until they got frustrated with how avoidant I was.

There seems little point in being friends with people nowadays because you really can satisfy most of your emotional needs through technology. Need to laugh? Watch a funny YouTuber. Need advice? Make a post on Reddit or do a Google search. Want to learn new things/ expose yourself to new ideas? You can do that pretty easily on all social media platforms.

The only other benefits are them buying you things, doing stuff for you, transactional stuff, but you are generally expected to buy them something/ do stuff for them in return, and you can just do both for yourself. Another one is physical contact like hugs, but you can get that from family or romantic partners.

Finally, there's "social support," and that just seems to be them telling you stupid platitudes, which is quite useless. I'm not going to go into depth on the drawbacks of friendship, but obviously friend drama sucks, I've luckily avoided that in my life by being emotionally distant from friends.

Overall, friendship is kind of useless. I just try to get the need of "someone liking me" through romantic/sexual relationships, but I admit that's moreso a need for validation and I still act emotionally distant or most often hide my true personality or parts of my personality.