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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
10,290
By that- I mean any stage in life - the rebellious teenager, the responsible adult. Or- have you felt part of a group or comfortable as an 'accepted' or non accepted 'type'- a 'typical' woman or man, whatever sexuality you are etc. Someone who strongly identifies with a certain culture of sub culture? eg. Goth, Emo, whatever. Or, have you always felt a bit different? Even to those in a similar group?

The closest I've got to feeling like people were similar to me was in college with other creative people on the course. I think because it tends to take up such a huge chunk of your life- it's easier to bond over that common interest.

I've found throughout life though that, when I talk to a lot of other people or, hear them talk- I realise how different I am. Different priorities, different ways of seeing the world. Plus, if they talk about their past- what they were like as teenagers or children, I realise that that experience was also very different for me too. Do you suppose most people just feel like they're different? Maybe it's just part of the social anxiety we may all have to try and fit in and the fear that we don't.
 
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pilotviolin

pilotviolin

looking to the horizon
Jan 27, 2024
361
i have trouble deeply connecting to anyone or feeling more than 50% comfortable but i feel im a pretty typical gen z person - the ironic twist is we are isolated though! the most comfortable i felt with someone was in primary school, talking on the side of the road looking at the stars. i wonder if its easier to connect when people focus on an activity they share or if its when they try to know eachother... well this thread has made me rethink things. i feel like a typical middle class only child (physically) sheltered chronically online western person but again apart of that is being disconnected to the world. i have not found a community or familiarity for the other parts of my sum and ive always been a bit lonerish and i really struggle in groups and feel excluded alot which fuels insecurity then i get a bit frustrated and confused. a lot of it started early in childhood.

what do you think sets you apart from others? i don't ask with conviction, just curious about details of something you think people don't relate to you on. i understand if youd rather not share though. what would belonging look/feel like for you? for me i think its just being able to not put up a front or feel the need to run away or feel ashamed and feeling included and valued and not looked down as the weird one or something, and also doing activities together and everyone having fun. i went to a venue recently, and unlike other lgbt venues which feel a bit unsafe or cliquey it was really welcoming and fun so then the work is mainly on me to talk to people and let people in.

i want to believe and i do observe that many people feel a bit lost or different, but its hard to tell from just looking at strangers especially when theyre in groups. theres alot of posts online about loneliness and not fitting in. theres alot of posts from people disagreeing/not fitting in with their group of people or "stereotype". theres many people we dont see because they arent outside who may feel similar.
 
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
10,290
i have trouble deeply connecting to anyone or feeling more than 50% comfortable but i feel im a pretty typical gen z person - the ironic twist is we are isolated though! the most comfortable i felt with someone was in primary school, talking on the side of the road looking at the stars. i wonder if its easier to connect when people focus on an activity they share or if its when they try to know eachother... well this thread has made me rethink things. i feel like a typical middle class only child (physically) sheltered chronically online western person but again apart of that is being disconnected to the world. i have not found a community or familiarity for the other parts of my sum and ive always been a bit lonerish and i really struggle in groups and feel excluded alot which fuels insecurity then i get a bit frustrated and confused. a lot of it started early in childhood.

what do you think sets you apart from others? i don't ask with conviction, just curious about details of something you think people don't relate to you on. i understand if youd rather not share though. what would belonging look/feel like for you? for me i think its just being able to not put up a front or feel the need to run away or feel ashamed and feeling included and valued and not looked down as the weird one or something, and also doing activities together and everyone having fun. i went to a venue recently, and unlike other lgbt venues which feel a bit unsafe or cliquey it was really welcoming and fun so then the work is mainly on me to talk to people and let people in.

i want to believe and i do observe that many people feel a bit lost or different, but its hard to tell from just looking at strangers especially when theyre in groups. theres alot of posts online about loneliness and not fitting in. theres alot of posts from people disagreeing/not fitting in with their group of people or "stereotype". theres many people we dont see because they arent outside who may feel similar.

Yes, I agree- having a common interest or activity definitely helps. The closest friends I've had have all shared a love for being creative- that's how we met. I also agree that- when it's a niche subject- one that sometimes provokes ridicule even- it's nice to be around people who 'get' why it's so important to you.

That was also interesting about the whole Gen Z thing- that part of the 'stereotype' is to feel isolated. I thought of a couple of clips from films reading your response. One from 'Interview with the Vampire' where the main character is described to be in sync with his era because he feels so at odds with everything.

In my case, I've always felt a bit mismatched with the era. My Grandma effectively raised me till I was 10 so, I have pretty Victorian, old fashioned, prudish ideas instilled in me. That for one made me feel different.

I wasn't exactly forced into typical femininity- which I'm glad about actually. I guess it's debatable whether people are or whether they feel naturally inclined towards more feminine or masculine things. But, I was allowed to play with more masculine toys and I hated dresses and skirts so, I was allowed to opt for trousers some of the time. I was more of a toy boy really- although, I suppose that in itself is a 'type'. But, I've never felt like I wanted to comply with a lot of the more established/ accepted 'versions' of femininity.

I was always shy and socially uncomfortable/ inept so- that probably also made me feel like I couldn't relate so well to others. It probably also held me back from going through an angsty teenage period. Talking to friends, it sounds like they were fire crackers at that stage! I was too timid for all that. If anything, it feels like that is coming out now in me!

My job is also more niche. I've found that I have little in common with say- people who worked in the office. That's also mainly because a lot had or wanted children so, a lot of the talk was around that. So- I've never really gone through those 'stages' in life- dating, marriage, children, domesticity, family holidays to be able to relate so well there.

I like your definition of 'fitting in' though and, I agree with it. Basically that you feel comfortable enough around others to be able to be yourself. I have felt that on occassion to be fair and, it's a lovely feeling. I've always loved this quote by Dr. Seus:

'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
21,226
I feel like I've always been a whiny child/teenager, even before I was a child/teenager.
 
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pilotviolin

pilotviolin

looking to the horizon
Jan 27, 2024
361
Yes, I agree- having a common interest or activity definitely helps. The closest friends I've had have all shared a love for being creative- that's how we met. I also agree that- when it's a niche subject- one that sometimes provokes ridicule even- it's nice to be around people who 'get' why it's so important to you.

That was also interesting about the whole Gen Z thing- that part of the 'stereotype' is to feel isolated. I thought of a couple of clips from films reading your response. One from 'Interview with the Vampire' where the main character is described to be in sync with his era because he feels so at odds with everything.

In my case, I've always felt a bit mismatched with the era. My Grandma effectively raised me till I was 10 so, I have pretty Victorian, old fashioned, prudish ideas instilled in me. That for one made me feel different.

I wasn't exactly forced into typical femininity- which I'm glad about actually. I guess it's debatable whether people are or whether they feel naturally inclined towards more feminine or masculine things. But, I was allowed to play with more masculine toys and I hated dresses and skirts so, I was allowed to opt for trousers some of the time. I was more of a toy boy really- although, I suppose that in itself is a 'type'. But, I've never felt like I wanted to comply with a lot of the more established/ accepted 'versions' of femininity.

I was always shy and socially uncomfortable/ inept so- that probably also made me feel like I couldn't relate so well to others. It probably also held me back from going through an angsty teenage period. Talking to friends, it sounds like they were fire crackers at that stage! I was too timid for all that. If anything, it feels like that is coming out now in me!

My job is also more niche. I've found that I have little in common with say- people who worked in the office. That's also mainly because a lot had or wanted children so, a lot of the talk was around that. So- I've never really gone through those 'stages' in life- dating, marriage, children, domesticity, family holidays to be able to relate so well there.

I like your definition of 'fitting in' though and, I agree with it. Basically that you feel comfortable enough around others to be able to be yourself. I have felt that on occassion to be fair and, it's a lovely feeling. I've always loved this quote by Dr. Seus:

'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.'
its awesome you could find those artists and out of the box thinking people, i really do hope you can find something or someone similar again! also ooh, ill download the movie, it looks pretty interesting (and not that relevant but there's some big names in the cast which i find funny for the subject but hey i cant judge if i haven't watched).

man its interesting too how different past generations can influence us as well, i remember you saying you were forty or around that age, and people really understate how much people who have passed ages ago still leave an impact on some of us. people don't tend to always factor in their grandparents and ancestors because the world seemed so distant to what it is now. sometimes people will refer to young people who seem out of place or more mature as "old soul", but how you interpret it is personal. but yeah i can see how you felt that way, im thinking of my older family and theres so many little things from the past people don't do now (ie. calling dinner "tea"). but i don't think its anything to be ashamed of, i think its really cool you have that perspective and insight even if you were little.

femininity (and gender in general with how we are socialised) is so complex, and the expectations and stereotype of counterculture are just some of the top layers. i know for me when im alone im just me it doesnt particularly bother me, but in the world (or conversely, in the home) sometimes youre met with this conflicting expectations and other peoples perceptions and it can get a bit overwhelming. i was similar where i was more of a tomboy, its harder to climb trees in a skirt! sometimes i see people try to make content out of defining masculinity or feminity as apart of self imrovement content but i believe more in the person you are when nobody is watching. but yeah when you look at whats marketed for who, it's easy to feel alienated just cause you think trucks, dinosaurs, football etc are awesome when the "vision" or "ideal" society has doesn't even consider it.

i don't want to be that person who is like "hell yeah being different and unique is awesome" because while i do really love peoples little differences and what influences them (and i unironically love people talking about themselves), it is isolating to have a disconnect or lack of shared experience and i don't want to downplay it!! im 18 so heaps younger and while our generation isnt really the best at any kind of interpersonal relationships, i find it hard to relate to people as well because they always have some kind of romance or friendship saga going on, and while it sounds very stressful (moreso with kids), its easy to feel left out or pondering those gaps. i wonder what its like to live with a partner, or go out on dates, and sleep with someone. it sounds pretty foriegn. i actually have more of a plan to be in a marriage of convenience for the mortgage or rent, since i'm still learning to make friends irl and engage in a community. i hope the spark, or firecracker as you say energy is fun too, honestly alot of peoples teenage years were filled with drama, i never got into it much either (or for me it was played out online with adults or parasocially watched), i hope at an age where you have a little more agency it's more fulfilling and freeing.

even if we arent all the same, theres alot if not most people on sasu who dont feel like they belong either, so i know this isnt a big, new nor helpful statement but i guess we arent alone in being in some ways alone. i guess thats what makes this place nice, people can be themselves more here than other places even if its not perfect. i refer to this place not as a home but more like a library where you can have some kind of peace or more so than the bar or mall. its okay if you even dont feel you belong here but i hope its a place thats more lenient than somewhere like instagram or reddit.

lovely quote too!
 
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