Venting Have you ever genuinely wanted to live?

[Johnzaga23]

I've recently realized that, i never genuinely wanted to live, and that this is not normal. Aka ive always been passively suicidal, like i wouldnt mind getting a heart attack in any given moment. Most of the time i thought that this is just the human condition, and that i should stop whining, just thug it out, be a man etc. It didnt help that whenever i felt the need to expess this feelings, everyone would invalidate me and remind me that other people have it worse, and i should be gratefull for living in a first world country and that i have a loving family etc. So i thought that life is something that i ought to do, not something that i want to do, as like i have a moral obligation to do it, that there is greater purpose which ill find eventually, and also religious trauma that i will tortured for an eternity if i unalive myself played a role.

"Forgive me for the harm I have caused this world. None may atone for my actions but me, and only in me shall their stain live on. I am thankful to have been caught, my fall cut short by those with wizened hands. All I can be is sorry, and that is all that I am."
- Severance, TV show

 

[Apokryphiel]

I want to live a life worth dying for.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

When I was a child, probably. However I don't really think I understood the concepts of life and death back then. After life began its rather rapid descent into "let me off this ride" I have pretty much consistently wanted to die, even in my happier periods.

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

I feel like I get the motivation to live because I want to help people, but then I look at where i am at and think, why should I be happy helping strangers when I do help people close to me. And the feel of happiness can go away just as fast as the me looking to the side. Then, I also get the motivation from ego. Because I know human worth and I sometimes believe I am. Sometimes I think I would be good at a career, but then I remember just as fast that I am shit at everything irl. Im good at storing information outside of myself, not doing.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, never, I'd never wish for something as cruel and futile as existence rather I just hope for non-existence, I wish for no more pain, no more suffering rather I just want to never exist ever again, I only hope for the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep where finally I cannot suffer in any way, to me existence is the problem, I see existence itself as the most dreadful tragic mistake. I always see it as the most terrible tragedy how this existence of suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much agony one can feel was even imposed, I see existence as a burden and I always suffer from being burdened with this torturous unnecessary existence that just causes pain and problems there were never a need for at all, I see it as so deeply undesirable to exist and I'd just never wish to be conscious of anything at all rather all I hope for is non-existence, I just want some peace, I find it horrific how a human can be enslaved in this existence for so long just to die in agony from old age.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I probably didn't have such a strong desire to die or, think about the option of dying tillI was 10. It's hard to say before that. Plenty of crap happened early in my childhood to make me unhappy and to introduce me to death. I'm not sure I ever really had a desire to live either though. Not that I was constantly unhappy but I can't exactly remember being that excited about life. Just the same as now, there were so many things I just got lectured on that: 'We all have to do things we don't want to do.' So, I must have been whinging about it even back then.

 

[untraveler]

Yes, but not that often and I don't know if genuinely. Sometimes I'm curious how our world will advance. Like how bad can it become? Wars, politics, so many social and economic problems. But also what exciting good things will be discovered. At the same time I'd like to do some stuff before I die, too, but I can't seem to achieve it, which sucks. I have many reasons I want to ctb in a meantime and for a long time. And when I kind of want to live just a little longer, I remind myself I could end it anytime, if it becomes really bad. Probably. Which gives me comfort. Which I don't know how it makes sense. It's difficult to give short answer.

 

[echointheforest]

Yeah for sure. I still do a lot of the time. My story isn't the same as a lot of people here I guess. I have two 'suicide' diseases - empty nose syndrome and trigeminal neuralgia. My body is a prison and I wish for anything it wasn't this way.

It's weird. I don't want to die but I feel like I'm possessed by a demon that has a gun pointed to my head and is desperately trying to get me to pull the trigger.

 

[Johnzaga23]

Yeah for sure. I still do a lot of the time. My story isn't the same as a lot of people here I guess. I have two 'suicide' diseases - empty nose syndrome and trigeminal neuralgia. My body is a prison and I wish for anything it wasn't this way.

It's weird. I don't want to die but I feel like I'm possessed by a demon that has a gun pointed to my head and is desperately trying to get me to pull the trigger.

I thought I had empty nose syndrome too after i got turbinate reduction, but the doctors said i didnt and it may have been on my head all along. But it really fucked me up and its the reason i became isolated when i started uni. If you really have it, and youre not just paranoid like me, RIP.

 

[TurboCharcha]

No. There is nothing compelling enough for me to live for. Even if in the future there could be, I don't want to keep living to find out. Hope is just fear in disguise.

You said not wanting to live is not normal. I don't think so. Maybe that belief comes from the same cultural pressure you mention that tells us to want to live. We don't really owe that to anyone or anything.

 

[echointheforest]

I thought I had empty nose syndrome too after i got turbinate reduction, but the doctors said i didnt and it may have been on my head all along. But it really fucked me up and its the reason i became isolated when i started uni. If you really have it, and youre not just paranoid like me, RIP.

Unfortunately yeah for me it's very real :/

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yes, for almost all my life never wasted a single thought on dying early.

Only a big failure in life made me suicidal and if that could issue could be fixed I'd not be suicidal at all.

Actually I don't want to die but it's the logical consequence if things become worse.

 

[Johnzaga23]

Unfortunately yeah for me it's very real :/

Then my condolences. Both are of the worst chronic illnesses.. I wish you find the peace youre looking for

 

[ilvgore]

Yeah, only when Date of the planned Suicide came closer. All felt so easy my Anxiety vanished everything was just so easy, i didn't care anymore. I was free, but when the Day never came, I realised I don't have to make my life more miserable just because i want to die.
[ i will still ctb ] <3

 

[Tiberius85]

Yes, absolutely. I did, I do.... however, it's difficult when the one thing that makes me feel alive and or connected to life is consistently taken away. As if it's a constant reminder: "there's nothing left for you here".

 

[DegenerateLoser]

I've recently realized that, i never genuinely wanted to live, and that this is not normal. Aka ive always been passively suicidal, like i wouldnt mind getting a heart attack in any given moment. Most of the time i thought that this is just the human condition, and that i should stop whining, just thug it out, be a man etc. It didnt help that whenever i felt the need to expess this feelings, everyone would invalidate me and remind me that other people have it worse, and i should be gratefull for living in a first world country and that i have a loving family etc. So i thought that life is something that i ought to do, not something that i want to do, as like i have a moral obligation to do it, that there is greater purpose which ill find eventually, and also religious trauma that i will tortured for an eternity if i unalive myself played a role.

"Forgive me for the harm I have caused this world. None may atone for my actions but me, and only in me shall their stain live on. I am thankful to have been caught, my fall cut short by those with wizened hands. All I can be is sorry, and that is all that I am."
- Severance, TV show

When I was really young sure but as I grew older I realized how out of place my life was and how the benefits of suicide heavily outweigh the cons.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

No not really. I've had OCD since I was really young like 8 or 10 and didn't realise until recently how much it made my thought process different to other people. Then depression followed around 12. I've also had anhedonia for about as long as I can remember. I'm just not one for the experience of life, it's just so dull to me. I find life SO boring, like if I could explain it to other people it'd be like them being stuck in an incredibly boring hobby they hate everyday. That's life at it's best for me and not even going into the incredibly painful traumatic experiences. I only "want" to live purely from a primal survival instinct perspective. I'm either passively suicidal or not really thinking about killing myself imminently, which is probably the best you'll get out of me in terms of "wanting" to be here.

 

[WanderingGypsy]

Yes & No…there have been times in my life when I've wanted to live and was happy, but it's usually moments in time and never last too long. I found some old journals of mine the other day, some going back like 20 years, and it was sad to see how little things have changed for me. I can think back to my childhood and being so unhappy I didn't want to be around. Looking back at all these things makes me realize I have never been truly happy-at least not for long. So what's the use of still living?!?

 

[Zyntkalla]

Maybe when I was like in grade five. I remember I always had this struggle my hole life but I don't know what it was then. And I always had this type of pain that was painful at the same time. But the one that really hurt the most is I found out that I have visual issues in my right eye. I was about in grade five when I found that out. Then I started having epilepsy around puberty. After the visual issues, I found out about I wasn't the same after that? And at this point I think I might only be hear for about 3-13 years. I think I can only handle that many years. There is a few things I want to get done before I go.

 

[moonflow3r]

when i was a child perhaps. waking up is torture

 

[avalonisburning]

When I was younger and had a drastically different idea of how the world actually worked. Even then, what I wanted wasn't really life.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Right now thanks to Nintendo.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Not really, although there was a time when I was excited to do things, it was more of a "well, we're here already, may as well take advantage of it and have fun". But even back then, when I was religious, life on earth never made sense to me, I always looked forward to going to "heaven" and didn't really want to stay here.

 

[galaxid]

I only "want" to live purely from a primal survival instinct perspective. I'm either passively suicidal or not really thinking about killing myself imminently, which is probably the best you'll get out of me in terms of "wanting" to be here.

I feel like that a lot, too.

Yes & No…there have been times in my life when I've wanted to live and was happy, but it's usually moments in time and never last too long. I found some old journals of mine the other day, some going back like 20 years, and it was sad to see how little things have changed for me. I can think back to my childhood and being so unhappy I didn't want to be around. Looking back at all these things makes me realize I have never been truly happy-at least not for long. So what's the use of still living?!?

This happened to me recently!! I was going through stuff I'd written a few years ago when I was at my worst, and it felt like I was reading what I could have written a day ago. Sure, the details are different, but the feelings are the same.

 

[grapevoid]

I have always been passively suicidal at least, since I can remember. But I have also wanted to live. Often times in my life the thoughts have coexisted that I want to live, and experience things, and be successful while also feeling like .. maybe not. I guess I've always been somewhat indifferent, even when I did want to do things and be alive, I wouldn't have minded not. lol

 

[unscrewedmoon999]

In childhood, before I knew what suicide was, I wanted an escape. I wanted a different existence, and if I couldn't have that, I wanted no existence at all. When I found out what suicide and death were, it felt like coming home. Something in those ideas just fit so perfectly for me. So as a kid, no, I never wanted to live.

However, there was a very brief period in university when I was truly happy. I lived in a beautiful little city with lots of green, I had purpose, I was ahead, I was the smart one, I was praised and admired. I had friends. I was free from my parents and I felt like I actually had a bright future ahead of me. I was a continent away from the people in my hometown who'd always made me miserable, surrounded by people who were kind. I picked up a new hobby and was really good at it. It was perfect, and I genuinely loved my life. I loved being alive. It was a revolution and I embraced it with open arms until I started struggling with my uni work and wanted to CTB again.

I was also briefly happy my last job. Everything was the same as in the beginning of university except that I was in a different city (but one that was still beautiful, walkable and green) and I was working instead of studying, but even so, it felt like everything had just aligned perfectly, and I felt buoyed up beyond belief. I felt like I could happily live the rest of my life like that, and even now, I feel that if my life were the way it was then, I could not only survive, but thrive and be filled with joy, and live a long, happy life.​

But then at that job, I became a scapegoat, and I wanted to CTB again. Every time something goes wrong, I want to CTB. I have no resilience to speak of. And living with my parents again after becoming unemployed and being unable to find a job has been a nightmare, especially because I keep comparing my current situation to those brief periods when I was glad to exist. Everything now reminds me of the happiness I lost, and I hate it.

 

[JesiBel]

I've tried so far.. despite all the bad things that have happened to me, but every day/month/year it becomes more unbearable. I have no hope, nor much desire to continue enduring this empty existence. Today, right now, I feel like I won't be able to finish this year. I can't get out of the abyss, no matter what I do. I always wished things had been different... a quiet and peaceful life, being loved, a close and warm family..