Have you given up?

[fedup1982]

After 20+ years of trying to find a way to kill myself I've all but given up. Where do you stand?

I've tried. So. Fking. Hard. Dying is fking hard unless you're blessed to live in the USA where any tom, dick or harry can pick up a gun and blow themselves away.

Unless there's a miracle and the UK legalises euthanasia for people who are fed up of life, my only remaining options are beachy head which has the risk of excruciating pain, highly illegal substances which risk 14 years in prison and addiction and permanent organ damage and lifelong cravings, or.. what am I forgetting. There was another option. Oh yeh. SN which I can't get and any way some reports say feeling asphyxiated. No thanks to that, been there done that, not for me at all. Hanging taught me that the unpleasant way.

But in short, unless there's a miracle, I've given up trying to die other than smoking as much tobacco as I can without filters so I induce cancer ASAP. I'm not even able to get fat which would help with things like a heart attack.

 

[Forever Sleep]

To be annoying, I'm going to say I'm fairly certain. I'm not sure enough to say I'm really certain but, I'm more certain that not being sure! I bought SN while it was still available, predicting it would likely be harder to get in future. That said, it expires next year. My Meto is already long out of date. (My plan is to wait for my Dad to go first.) So, I have that to worry about plus- I have to summon the courage to actually drink it. I'm not convinced about that either!

I've always been determined to achieve what I want though so, I'm hoping it will apply to this too.

Ideally, I'd like to have backup methods set up but, I'm struggling to feel confident in something else or, source something else. (I'm in the UK too.) I don't fancy another welfare check.

 

[darksouls]

I am still here because of SI and fear of the unknown

 

[fedup1982]

To be annoying, I'm going to say I'm fairly certain. I'm not sure enough to say I'm really certain but, I'm more certain that not being sure! I bought SN while it was still available, predicting it would likely be harder to get in future. That said, it expires next year. My Meto is already long out of date. (My plan is to wait for my Dad to go first.) So, I have that to worry about plus- I have to summon the courage to actually drink it. I'm not convinced about that either!

I've always been determined to achieve what I want though so, I'm hoping it will apply to this too.

Ideally, I'd like to have backup methods set up but, I'm struggling to feel confident in something else or, source something else. (I'm in the UK too.) I don't fancy another welfare check.

Damn you I knew I'd missed an option in the poll I'm sorry you're struggling so much that you feel the need to prepare like this but I know the feeling

I am still here because of SI and fear of the unknown

Yeah SI is a b1tch. It covers so much ground too. Psysiological automatic reflexes. Unconscious SI. Conscious SI. All three have tested my resolve and all but defeated me now

 

[unluckysadness]

Not sure because my SI is incredibly strong. But if I have access to N, my answer could be "really certain". Since I was a kid, I know I'll end this way sooner or later, but I'm still here. It's not that easy to kill yourself

 

[jenson]

I have the method and it should be fool proof. Just gotta get over the fear and the lying to myself that things will improve when they've always been shitty.

 

[fedup1982]

I have to say it's taken many years because I'm a difficult case but I guess I sorta feel ok. I mean if give up my life if I had a magic button that would do that without leaving devastation behind me but I'm starting to see that maybe I am strong enough to get through life so I don't hurt people that care about me. I'll enjoy some things in the process. The only question is how much suffering lies ahead of me? And how do other people deal with that kind of uncertainty and still want to live?

 

[knickknack81]

Well ive only had this feeling for a short time compared to others (about 6 months) but im saying about 50/50. There are days where I am hopeful they can turn around, then the next day I feel like my days are limited. It's like I feel whats the point, will things ever get better. I have not made anything close to a serious attempt at CTB but I do think about it a lot more then I would like to admit. I think because where I live (difficult access to a gun, SN, etc) and my options are limited and take some effort to do and really needs to be planned out, it makes more of an issue then if I could just pull a trigger. I suppose that's a good thing because if I go through with a method using the options that I have, I will be more then sure its what I want to do. I also can't help but think about the people around me. I don't have a ton of close friends/family but it I know it would hurt them if/when I decide to do it. I don't want to give anyone a reason to be sad or feel pain. That and the fear of SI/messing things up and making life worse. But there are still days where I say to myself "the end is coming".
Also worth noting about the US, getting access to a firearm is different in each state. I happen to live in one of the strictest states to legally purchase a firearm. While a great deal of state have a very simple background check and waiting period, my state has an extensive list of things one had to do legally purchase a gun and the process is very time consuming. So much so if you are thinking about it, yr almost better at taking yr chances and going through the dark web/black market route.

 

[waistcoat]

i'd say i'm 90-95% certain. i find it impossible to imagine a future where i don't die within the next few years.
i never wanted to reach the age i am now when i was younger, and my birthday is coming up soon which i am not sure i will stick around for.
if i do make it to my birthday this year, i am fairly certain it will be my last, i hope it is.

 

[ultradespair]

Hopefully im dead within a year :3

 

[Emerita]

100% very soon. I don't have a place in this world except 6 feet under.

 

[sximii]

I'm almost 100% certain. Sometimes small events keep me going for around and give me something little to look forward to, but either this year or next I'm certain I will do it

 

[Forveleth]

Have two attempts where I got damn close. Each let me know I can, in fact, go through with killing myself if I out my mind to it. I have wanted to die for a Kong tune but kept holding on because I was convinces things would get better. They will not. I am determined not to suffer through the rest of my natural life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Damn you I knew I'd missed an option in the poll I'm sorry you're struggling so much that you feel the need to prepare like this but I know the feeling

Yeah SI is a b1tch. It covers so much ground too. Psysiological automatic reflexes. Unconscious SI. Conscious SI. All three have tested my resolve and all but defeated me now

I always miss an option making polls too.

 

[never.more]

honestly i wish i could, but im currently in a position where doing so would cause too much harm to others. i think ill be able to in a couple years, when people are less dependent on me? i hope so anyway, i cant imagine living much longer than that, im already running low on energy

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

(…)

Tbh - Im so unsure about everything…
Even about my diagnosis with BPD, PTSD, MDD, OSDD, ADHS and Bulimia???

The thing is - I have a strong feeling I'm Bipolar and there is this one thing in my head saying "If we get the right medication" it could work out.

At the same time - ugh - hell no.
Im Suicidal since I'm 11 and had my first attempt at 13. xdd

(…)

 

[cait_sith]

I know I am capable to do it because of my attempt and I have the ability to throw myself into powerful thought loops that make me act violence on mayself, I am able to go to my full hanging setup, put head through noose and wobble the chair around without increasing heart rates or fear, I still have money left so I can afford to wait a bit but I am ready anytime, that's at least what I tell myself.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd personally never wish for this dreadful, cruel, futile and torturous existence, I don't see existence as worth it at all rather I just see existence as the most terrible mistake with no limit as to how much one can be tortured that just causes and brings so much harm and suffering and I always find it so deeply undesirable to exist.

I'd just never wish to exist at all and for me non-existence is all that's positive, it's the only peace for me, I find it horrific how a human can be tortured in this existence for so long just to die in agony from old age, I'd just never wish for the terrible, dreadful abomination of existence rather all I want is some peace and I only suffer as I exist in this prison like anti-suicide world where suicide is seen as a crime with me denied the option to die painlessly that is guaranteed with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what.

 

[divinemistress36]

I dont know how to use a gun and Im to depressed to go to a gun range and learn and afraid my anxiety would fuck it up and Id blow off my face instead of dying. Its so damn hard to die