I've recently gone through some much-needed self-reflection on my life and childhood. After two decades of depression, social anxiety, isolation, self-harm, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, and addiction to alcohol and drugs, which ultimately led to a near-fatal heroin overdose last year, I finally began to see the abuse I experienced from my father as a child, which I had buried for so long. It was something I had never fully acknowledged, always dismissed, but it turns out to be the root of so much of my suffering. I've come to understand that I've been living with complex trauma because of it. What about you? Have you experienced trauma that's deeply shaped your life and brought you to where you are now?
yes, I suffer from complex trauma like you do. I was watching one video with the author who wrote "The Body Keeps the Score", a researcher of post-traumatic stress since the 1970s, and he said something that made a lot of sense out of my trauma.
I'm paraphrasing from memory a lot here, but hopefully the point will still show. the amount of support we have during and after a traumatic event can shape how the trauma affects us. take this example of a child who falls off a swing set and breaks their arm. it's scary and painful, but a loving parent swoops in, saying "everything will be ok" and driving them to the hospital right away. that child went through a scary thing, but they were immediately met with love and kindness and that'll change how the child is affected by the situation.
as many of us have, I've gone through a lot of shit in life. I've experienced things no child should have to go through. but the traumatic events that crushed my world and sense of self were the ones where I had no support. the times when I was completely powerless. those are the things that haunt me to this day. had I had someone swoop in at that time in my life and say "everything's ok, I hear you, I know what you're going through, I'm taking care of you now, they can't hurt you anymore", I would be a completely different person today. I would be a better person. I wouldn't be broken.
I'm an adult now which means that I need to repair myself, something I can't do. I don't have the ability to fix myself, to live through this shit. broken children become broken adults. people need to realize that more often.
it doesn't surprise me to hear that you always dismissed your trauma. I think that's very common with a lot of us. maybe it's some kind of coping mechanism, even if it ends up being self-destructive. I'm glad you're reflecting on it and I'm glad you're still here.
