Having a meltdown.

[nihilistic_dragon]

Why can't I just drop dead my gosh.

Today a health issue I thought I mostly had under control started acting up again. Debilitating pain again all fucking day long. Pain pain pain just so much fucking pain.

Anhedonia has taken all that was alive in me. The last thing it took was my sex drive. It used to be the last remaining thing that still made me feel slightly alive. Now anhedonia took away even that. I have not felt the urge in months. I usually have a pretty high drive. Been single for many years and recently finally met someone worth my time. We hooked up the other night and to my dismay my body felt pretty much nothing. I thought it would be explosive since it's been so long for me. I felt a FRACTION OF A FRACTION of what I normally would feel. This is lowkey scary. Has my body just started shutting down. How can I be so fucking dead.

Work hours got cut big time. I can't just start taking money out of my savings account, I need all I can gather for my "death tourism" trip next year.

Living situation is hell. Just hellish HELL.

So much more is wrong on top of this but if I were to share that, it would turn out to be a three-volume book.

There is nothing alive in me.

There is nothing to live for.

Life has no meaning.

I just want to cease to exist my god why does dying have to be so complicated. Just want to press a button and have myself erased.

 

[TennTrixie]

I hear you. Due to health problems, the real me is already dead. Do you mind sharing what your "death tourism" trip means?

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I hear you. Due to health problems, the real me is already dead. Do you mind sharing what your "death tourism" trip means?

I have been planning to travel around South America to try to get N as it is my preferred method.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

sending you hugs hugs and much support. illnesses like that take everything away and it's business to most. not a living breathing thinking life they should care about the feelings of.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

sending you hugs hugs and much support. illnesses like that take everything away and it's business to most. not a living breathing thinking life they should care about the feelings of.

Thank you. I am a healthy person in general but unfortunately health issues happen even to the best of us. I miss being me. I don't want to live with this condition for the rest of my life.

 

[TennTrixie]

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I also miss being me, but there is no way to get that back.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

The meltdown continues. Can't ctb on an impulse unfortunately, as much as I would like to, I have to stick to my plan.

We are living unnaturally long lives nowadays thanks to all the modern scientific advances. If I was living in different times, I'd be dead already. I have reached the end of my natural lifespan. I see no point in me being alive past that.

It is beyond cruel that we are prisoners of this idiotic society where we are not allowed to exit peacefully and are policed when we attempt to or merely express the desire to not be here anymore.

Life is meaningless. I guess back in the day we did't have time to think philosophical thoughts because we were busy surviving. Right now we have so much time. So we make up meaning. This meaning is an illusion. And a lot of us are still living in the survival mode except on a different level.

I want out. I refuse to be part of these societal games anymore.

Everything just crumbles under my fingers. By the time you solve one problem, another one is knocking at your door. It's a never ending circle. I've lost the ability to feel anything but pain.

Fucking fuckety fuck. I just want to fucking die. I just want to disappear as if I never existed. Every molecule of me, the leftover energy, every memory of me, every cell, body, soul, whatever else there is, I just want to be erased.