Story Having a really hard time....need to talk to someone but scared

[NotCordelia]

I have been trying to recover but this lockdown and the uncertainty has got be relapsing into depression isolation and terrible thoughts about myself and life.
my mind tells me I'm an awful person. I made lots of mistakes coming from a place of fear, confusion, pain, unresolved trauma.
I feel like others have also fed into my self loathing. I set myself up for it....I now realize I hurt myself by trying to get approval from others. I wasn't strong in myself and just wanted to be loved like a human wouof. Now I feel condemned for being too needy. People pathologishe "neediness" But I have a huge capacity of empathy and love that people don't even understand. I love deeply, but am written off as needy.
My moods don't help. I didn't ask to have mood issues and problems feeling ok.
Im sorry to anyone I hurt anyone......Feeling so sad. I feel like I'm grieving.
My marriage brought out some things and now I am ashamed and want to give up.
He is the only reason I keep trying, but sometimes I feel he woulove be better off without me, we have had fights and his ugly mean words stay with me. It's hard to relive trauma all the time. My mind keeps floating back to horrible things that were said by people as if they are true and set in stone. Esoecially people I love like family and my spouse. Friends don't say ugly things as much because I keep them a little distant. Why does love have to hurt? I wish I was stronger.
living with so called mental illness takes so much strength and normal people do not, cannot understand that at all. I get psysically sick and exhaustedI feel so much guilt for being an idiot, coward, and having been successful At one time, but blowing it.
no energy to start over
Feel alone with this wondering if I'm weird to have these feelings. I don't dare say these things to anyone in person......

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Weird is such a loaded word. We all have our unique perspectives and anything that doesn't sit squarely underneath the normal curve is often considered weird. I just think it's a nonsense word. We are who we are.
I'm sorry you are having such a horrible time.
Love does indeed hurt, for all of us. I sometimes wish I could have lived with every vein closed off and that would be my saving grace. But the best times of my life have been in company and once you care, you are vulnerable.
If you have mood issues, then you become even more vulnerable, because others will find that difficult to deal with.
I find myself virtually alone now and I'm sad. I can pretend I'm okay with it and it's some noble thing, but I'm not and it isn't. I have no energy or even ability to start over either.

 

[Epsilon0]

Hello there @NotCordelia

I only wanted to drop you a line and say that it's ok to make mistakes, to blow up a good career, to have marital problems, to feel confused, scared and alone.

I can tell from your post and your wording that you are in distress. I understand the torture you feel because you keep going over and over things that were said and that cut you deep.

I am not sure this will mean anything or lighten your burden even a little bit, but I hear you - I hear your pain.

Hope better days lie ahead of you!

 

[nerve]

But I have a huge capacity of empathy and love that people don't even understand. I love deeply, but am written off as needy.

I feel this so much it aches lol

It's like everything about me is just buried so deep under 10+ years of mental illness, whatever empathy or compassion I may have to offer doesn't matter. No one's ever going to know these parts of who I am.

I'm also living with someone I love who sometimes says really ugly, terrible things when tensions rise. The up-and-down is suffocating. I'm so exhausted just from dealing with myself, let alone anybody else.

Hoping you can find some calm to get through the night okay