LivingANDDying26
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,316
It's close to 6am... I'm warming up food & actually pretty hungry. Cannabis drink dropped my blood pressure or sugar or both...
Honestly this morning I already feel miserable. There's an emptiness inside me that is constantly tryna swallow me whole these days.
I might go back to sleep after I eat. If I don't though... just gonna officially wake up.
The concept of relaxing & taking it easy is different for me. Keeping engaged & busy while awake rn is the only way to survive. I kinda hate it bc I feel like an odd person..contradictory to common advice. Feels pathetic too but whatever guess I just need the type of engaging that gets me out of my fucking shitty head.
I notice a difference when I'm thinking of doing certain things vs just doing nothing. This is probably an adjustment period. Hopefully it is. I do like to be alone and probs too much but I can't really handle too much of it rn.
If I sit here today and do nothing I'm going to just keep thinking of suicide. It's already on my mind.
I truly do wonder if there is a fucking point to this life of mine...
So basically... at this point... I just feel like a failure in many ways. Standing up. Having a bit of purpose gets me outta the stupid headspace. At least during the day.
Food is cooling. Gonna... plan my day then try to sleep a bit more after eating. I'm not sure if I can but shall see.
Gonna do a few groups. Few personal activities.
Bc otherwise I'm gonna drown and I'm tired of drowning. Im not interested in suffering constantly anymore. Im not just suicidal anymore. I'm ready to kill myself.
When feelings in the night crash or early morning despair like this... it's just so fucking disheartening. Who wants to live in despair...
Sooo to delay that for the time being my plan is to keep engaged & busy enough with both social & personal stuff.
See how long it lasts. See how long it either takes for it to shift into less misery or see how ot long it takes for me to get sick of everything and crash again.
Bc ima be honest this next crash might be the last.
Anyway that's my game plan.
Honestly this morning I already feel miserable. There's an emptiness inside me that is constantly tryna swallow me whole these days.
I might go back to sleep after I eat. If I don't though... just gonna officially wake up.
The concept of relaxing & taking it easy is different for me. Keeping engaged & busy while awake rn is the only way to survive. I kinda hate it bc I feel like an odd person..contradictory to common advice. Feels pathetic too but whatever guess I just need the type of engaging that gets me out of my fucking shitty head.
I notice a difference when I'm thinking of doing certain things vs just doing nothing. This is probably an adjustment period. Hopefully it is. I do like to be alone and probs too much but I can't really handle too much of it rn.
If I sit here today and do nothing I'm going to just keep thinking of suicide. It's already on my mind.
I truly do wonder if there is a fucking point to this life of mine...
So basically... at this point... I just feel like a failure in many ways. Standing up. Having a bit of purpose gets me outta the stupid headspace. At least during the day.
Food is cooling. Gonna... plan my day then try to sleep a bit more after eating. I'm not sure if I can but shall see.
Gonna do a few groups. Few personal activities.
Bc otherwise I'm gonna drown and I'm tired of drowning. Im not interested in suffering constantly anymore. Im not just suicidal anymore. I'm ready to kill myself.
When feelings in the night crash or early morning despair like this... it's just so fucking disheartening. Who wants to live in despair...
Sooo to delay that for the time being my plan is to keep engaged & busy enough with both social & personal stuff.
See how long it lasts. See how long it either takes for it to shift into less misery or see how ot long it takes for me to get sick of everything and crash again.
Bc ima be honest this next crash might be the last.
Anyway that's my game plan.
