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ceus

ceus

<3
Nov 17, 2022
36
Hello my fellow entities; I just wanted to introduce myself, I'm Ceus.


First of all please excuse my sometimes faulty English since I'm not a native speaker.

If I repost or am unaware of a forum functionality I'm sorry, definitely not intended.
As for the forum code of conduct suggestion I will try not to share too much personal information.
Yet I won't be able to avoid it completely, given that I want to come into contact with real people.
So I have to be one :P

My goals for my time on this forum are to speak and discuss with people about philosophy, experience and where possible take part in the exchange of knowledge that's happening.
Furthermore I intend to use this as an unfrequent medium of documentation of my state, progress and contemplations.
Foremost for myself but if someone can gain insight's from my words even better.
For my self because I want to have a critical external perspective, pointing out holes in my argumentation, giving me new input or calling out BS if I produce it.
If I misbehave, shitpost or conduct myself in an unconstructive manner feel free to point it out (also as a non mod). I'm not easily angered and receive critique very well under most circumstances.
I will try to look at the forum at least once a day, though exceptions will be made. Feel free to contact me for whatever reason and I will try to answer asap.



About my past self and my journey:

I've been troubled since I was a child. Mysterious urges to bang my head against sharp corners as a 9month old, choleric outbursts, due to my presumable unability to cope with reality; existential, social and epistemologic.
I was intelectually capable yet unable to deal with structural hirarchies and established processes.
My interests were spread broadly but at the same entangled within my intrinsic motivations.
I rejected supposed facts about reality often and did know in what situations it would've been better to concede defeat as so not to get in trouble.
A problem which would still haunt me into my late teens.

With 8 years I discovered videogames and the wonderful immersion they provided, shielding me against the, so often bleak and overwhelming, life I led outside them.
I became engulfed in mystical world's as in the Planescape Universe, Guild Wars, Morrowind and many others.
Soon my passion grew into addiction and I spent every free minute I could in front of a monitor.
My parents were powerless in the face of my inventiveness. Going so far that I installed a keylogger on my Dad's computer to find out the router password.
In retrospect, even though many paths of growth went by me unappreciated, those days are still amongst my most joyful memories.

In parallel to my escapism grew my frustration. About society and my unability to find my place in it.
About the sheer ignorance of humankind for their fellow beings aswell as their phlegmatism in regards of the pursuit of truth.
I could not understand why all my questions about the meaning of life where ignored by teachers and parents.
How they could state facts despite not knowing how to arrive at concrete and undisputable knowledge.
All those questions roamed around my head.
Coping with the fact that I had to face those gnawing uncertainties all by myself was the most traumatizing experience I've ever had.


I became depressed and lethargic and sank deeper and deeper into my addictions. My primary vice was joined by a constant and excessive weed consumption.
I finished school barely and continued to pursue a career in chemistry, hoping to one day assist in fighting climate change.
I droped out after one year, yet I had learned how to intelectually engage with topics in a way I hadn't known before.

I worked for a while amongst other things as a Sex-worker(which has deepend my understanding of humans but also brought some pretty traumatizing expieriences with it), Cinematechnician, Gardener, field-hand and in a tree nursery.

During my time working at a theater I met the love of my life. I was entranced by her since the first second.
She was minoring in political-sciences and philosophy and the most beautiful being I've ever layed eyes upon.
We became best friends even though our meetings were infrequent, with sometimes weeks between them. But somehow it had to be that way; we both felt it. Chronology and intervals of intellectual convergence were mere constructs to us.
I introduced her to my personal findings of epistemology which in turn pointed to nihilism and extreme scepticism as their necessary consequence.

Almost a year went by until I confessed my true feelings. To which she reacted with cautious reluctance followed my loving embracement.
Alas our partenership was unsteady and fleeting due to her moving away and being a freedom loving soul, endulging in whatever captured her interest in the moment...
Don't get me wrong I do not resent her for it. It's just her nature...
Still she was dipping in and out of my life often leaving me to fend for myself.
Sure I had good friends (of which I've talked about so little due to their minimal influence to the state of my mind) but even though they are all beautiful and loving beings I was never able to establish a connection on such a existential level as I did with her.
In the end I had to end our relationship since this constant coming and going tore me apart. Since then we have had sporadic exchanges but of course it's not the same.

During all this, from my childhood, to my teens in which I worked and educated myself, I've come to peace with the world.
Sure my understanding of human nature and it's ensuing actions were still puzzling me.
And sure I hadn't come to any definite conclusions about reality or consciousness.

Yet I felt I had a grasp on it. It feels elusive but still firm.
I'm sure I will discuss my understanding of existence and its inferences in a future post but for now I'll leave it at that.


The now:

During all this time I've struggled with depression, anxiety and, temporarily, even psychosis. I've worked with a good number of therapists and they provided me with terrific advice in many situations. Yet as many of you will know their capabilities are limited in some situations.

I'm still in contact with a few of my old friends, though the engagement is fading.
I call myself lucky to still have both parents and three wonderful siblings who provide me with support in my times of need.

I'm working as an IT specialist (backend, monitoring and system administration for those who wonder :P).
I play classical guitar and dabble around with some other instruments.
I'm obsessed with knowledgemanagement, workflowoptimization, musictheory and philosophy, a bit of neurobiology and psychology and last but not least botany (yet I'm not an expert in any of them).
My room is an assortment of Instruments, Books, sheetmusic, cobwebs (which I maticulously avoid while cleaning to keep the spiders as company), recording equipment and plants.
I love jogging and sleeping outdoors.
My mornings consist of cold showers and green smoothies which still despise even after years :D
I sometimes care for the neighbors cat and talk to the old people in the forest where I go for walks.

Seems all pretty alright if you ask me (except for my heavy workload aprox. 50-60h a week plus commute).

YET I am tired. Of this all. Not in a condescending or unappreciative way. Just in being... well... tired.
I feel like I've lived life to its fullest.
Somehow I just feel like I'm done. And it has been like this for years. And despite my efforts it doesn't seem to go away.
Life can be generous. But also hard and unforgiving. And even with all the excitement I feel about most of the stuff I do, it's still a chore.
I think I'm just done. I've had my share. Fight through it for what... ?
I don't know anymore.


Sooo... I've started organizing everything. Bringing my documents and finances in order. Writing letters to everyone who's been important to me. Consolidating my insights.
I've decided to give myself some more time for contemplation so as to not act in the heat of the moment.
Approximately one year from now I will leave via N2, if I don't decide differently.

Till then I want to share my thoughts, emotions and state of being with you lovely people. Maybe get to know a few of you. Listen to your struggles and grievances. Your high's and low's. Discuss positions, opinions and insights.
Feel free to contact me with questions or anything else.

If you, beautiful soul, have read so far let me express my deepest thanks. For listening to a stranger and getting to know their most inner core.

<3 Ceus
 
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jodes2

jodes2

Hello people ❤️
Aug 28, 2022
7,737
Hello wonderful person ❤️

Welcome to the forum, sorry you're here ❤️
 
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bdtbath

bdtbath

Member
Nov 16, 2022
16
You seem like a lovely person, instinctually almost said "glad to see you here". But then I remembered why we are all here.
 
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angelallalone

angelallalone

Member
Nov 9, 2022
5
welcome <3

I really relate to a lot of what u said, especially about just being tired of all of it. I still have some things I'd like to do before I go, but I can't imagine having the energy and patience to exist for an average lifespans-worth of time. If I were to die soon, due to whatever cause, I would feel satisfied with the life I've lived
 
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Dead Meat

Dead Meat

DOOMED
Oct 10, 2018
18,395
Welcome to the forum hope you enjoy your stay here
 
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ceus

ceus

<3
Nov 17, 2022
36
welcome <3

I really relate to a lot of what u said, especially about just being tired of all of it. I still have some things I'd like to do before I go, but I can't imagine having the energy and patience to exist for an average lifespans-worth of time. If I were to die soon, due to whatever cause, I would feel satisfied with the life I've lived
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my story.
Welocme to you too <3 even though unfortunate circumstances brought us together.
I'm sorry you can relate to so much... especially the tiredness. It's draining really, I understand that.
If you don't mind me asking, what is it you yet want to experience ?
 
piger

piger

Every waking moment I spiral further into insanity
Dec 11, 2021
72
I had a special girl similar to yours. In and out of my life, yet I could never tell her how much I loved her. I lost her for good, and I blame myself for all she's been through. Yesterday was her birthday, making one year since I last spoke to her. You have terrific self-discipline. Welcome to the board!
 
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ceus

ceus

<3
Nov 17, 2022
36
I had a special girl similar to yours. In and out of my life, yet I could never tell her how much I loved her. I lost her for good, and I blame myself for all she's been through. Yesterday was her birthday, making one year since I last spoke to her. You have terrific self-discipline. Welcome to the board!
First of all thank you for reading my story. It's definitely not a given to care about a strangers life enough to read such a block of text.
<3
I'm sorry but also glad we share this experience. Since, atleast for me, it was the thing showing me how deep love can go in life. How meaningful it can be.
What true connection feels like. Without it I would have been alone all my life.
This way atleast I had someone share reality with me even if it was gone as fast as the clouds moving past.

I'm sorry you weren't able to express your feelings towards her... I can only imagine what that must feel like.
If you want you can tell me the story of the both of you (PM or here) I'll gladly listen.
Idk maybe it's not too late to speak to her one last time ? Let her know that even though you two may not share your life anymore that she was one of the most important and moving things that you've ever experienced.
Wish you much strength and love <3
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
39,131
Your feelings of wishing to be free from this world are understandable. I'm also certainly very tired of being here. Thank you for sharing your experience of life, I hope that you find what you are looking for.
 
ceus

ceus

<3
Nov 17, 2022
36
Hello there wonderful people :)
I wanted to give an update since I have not posted anything for a while.

It's still sooo exhausting.
I've decided to quit my job.
Yet when I sat down with my superiors the offered me a different position where I could coach and give training courses.
This is much closer to something I would actually enjoy. I've asked for some time to think about it and went over it in my head.
Although I feel defeated in the face of this. It just feels like greasing the machine of my suffering.
So most likely I will not accept this position.

It is much more likely that I will travel through Sweden.
If anyone's there I would love to meet up in person and talk with someone who maybe understands.
Gladly PM me if that's the case; we can chat a bit and if it feels right I'll come visit.
Or we could even travel together ^-^

I try to give myself reasons to stay. I really do.
I try to give myself the support, courage and belief that I can do something for this world. Be of use and yet not suffer every day.

Some days I believe myself.
But on most I don't...
I keep count but it's a list of crossed lines so don't ask me for the numbers please ;P
All I can say is that the count of days where I'd give myself the chance of continuation is 21.

Doing something you believe is good and righteous while being able to live of that just seems impossible.
Everything except sleep feels like a chore.
The supposed good things like meeting with friends and family, eating well and consuming art makes me forget in the best case.
In the worst case it elicits a unbearable sense of dissonance with the world that is only relieved by sleep.

Staying away from all drugs sucks tbh. but seems like the only option to keep myself grounded and aware of my situation.
Despite that I highly doubt it would improve anything...

I try to be creative... painting and making music. Writing blogs and even trying to write a book with mediocre success on it's first chapters.

Here are some of my paintings. Please don't judge, I just wanna share them somewhere <3

Baaaambooo PIC1 PIC2


I have considered looking for a partner the first time. Somehow the thought of not going alone gives me some comfort.
If you feel like it gladly text me.

Sooo yeah, I guess it's about 10 months to go.
Let's see what life holds in store for me.

Love all of you wonderful people <3
If I can help someone by giving advice, opinion or just listening. I'm always here. Just text me :)
 
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Ultracheese

Ultracheese

Arcanist
Dec 1, 2022
490
Hello Ceus. Welcome to the forum. What kind of philosophy do you hope to discuss? All death related or just philosophy in general? I admire your commitment to having a critical external perspective. I find it admirable that you have such strong values and a unique, perceptive way of viewing yourself and the world.

I had a very similar childhood to yours, with headbanging, outbursts, and escapism coupled with alienation (for me, it was books instead of video games). I'm sorry about the love of your life. It can be very excruciating and heartbreaking when the people we love don't share the same ideas about our relationships as us.

It's great that you hold so many diverse interests. I know that can be hard to do while struggling with mental health issues plus a heavy workload. Hopefully quitting your job will help with some things.

You sound like you're a wonderful, intelligent person. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for here and potentially meet some like-minded people. Also, sorry for rambling on for so long. You just seem like such an interesting person. And your paintings are beautiful! Your use of shading is amazing.
 
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ceus

ceus

<3
Nov 17, 2022
36
Hello Ceus. Welcome to the forum. What kind of philosophy do you hope to discuss? All death related or just philosophy in general? I admire your commitment to having a critical external perspective. I find it admirable that you have such strong values and a unique, perceptive way of viewing yourself and the world.

I had a very similar childhood to yours, with headbanging, outbursts, and escapism coupled with alienation (for me, it was books instead of video games). I'm sorry about the love of your life. It can be very excruciating and heartbreaking when the people we love don't share the same ideas about our relationships as us.

It's great that you hold so many diverse interests. I know that can be hard to do while struggling with mental health issues plus a heavy workload. Hopefully quitting your job will help with some things.

You sound like you're a wonderful, intelligent person. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for here and potentially meet some like-minded people. Also, sorry for rambling on for so long. You just seem like such an interesting person. And your paintings are beautiful! Your use of shading is amazing.
Hey Ultracheese, sweet name by the way :P
Cheese is simply delicious even though I'm now vegan ^-^ (I miss it every day)
Well I love to discuss pretty much anything. I've been a bit inactive on my posts recently since I've had a lot on my plate.
Sometimes I join Chat for a while so the probability of finding me there is higher than in any threads.
Still today I had some time and wanted to answer the people who took the time out of their day to answer to my posts.
Thank you for doing that <3 even though you're currently just a little speck on the sky of my perception it is so nice to know that people do that. Popping up out of pure goodness in the dark reality of others to shine some light, as far and tiny as it may be.

I hope you are doing better than when you decided to join this forum. Feel free to PM me anytime.
Hey there wonderful people <3
I wanted to give a little update on my situation since the date of 1 year is coming closer.

I've quit my job and am traveling through Sweden. Even though it makes me sad to see that even here in the far north nature hasn't been exempt from anthropogenic influence. The forests are mere shadow's of what they must have been. Tiny slivers of primary forests are still left. Yet when you travel the country you'll feel like moving through forests between towns and not to town's in a sea of trees.

The people here are nice enough even though it is really hard to make friends. Especially since the country isn't really welcoming in it's structures towards non-natives.
My money is running through my hands since it is freaking expensive here.

I don't quite know how to make more since I know that most unqualified jobs will just serve to prolong my suffering and I wont be able to put anything aside.
The things I'm qualified for make me want to seek a violent death... I've tried staying on top of IT/Programming. Even got a little bit into data science. Yet IT is just so bloated, overwhelming, time consuming and the whole industry is just frustrating.
Nobody seems to act on good intentions everything is just about exploitation and business concerns.
I am realistic enough to know the this is a feature of the system we're living in and not necessarily an expression of malice.
Still it makes me frustrated and ideologically detached from those endeavors.

If it's just about "making a living" I don't quite know what I sacrifice all this for.
To suffer more in my "free time"?
To eat even though I don't want to?
To spend more agonizing lonely hours alone in my room or cramped in a space with people I cannot connect to?
To feel estranged by friends and family for no apparent reason?
I could go on like this basically forever...

Basically I was hoping that traveling and connecting to nature would solve some of my problems.
As of yet it didn't. Every day I'm losing more and more of the little hope I got left.
I've stashed my SN and every needed component. I'll come back to it once the my decision is final.

I probably give myself some more time than the firstly stated 1 year period since I spend most of that year with grinding it out.
At the moment I'm still living on some leftover money. It won't last long though.

I need to find a sustainable and bearable way to make money, otherwise I don't see much options to continue my search for contentment.
Through spending weeks alone in the forest here in Sweden I've successfully connected to some long forgotten parts of myself. Basically what some would call my inner child.
Must've looked like a crazy person. Scraggy beard, blue fingers from the masses of blueberries I've picked and eaten walking barefoot through the forest mumbling to myself something about "I'll try to be there for ya m8".

Even though the one component that all advice on self-healing and trauma work seems to omit is the following.
They all speak about connecting and then being there for yourself/Standing up for yourself and thus "healing".
(I've done that, I feel a bit less alone although not meaningfully less tired and beaten down)
Yet what I don't understand is that life is continuously traumatizing. People can be cruel. You are probably lonely and your best efforts don't in the slightest guarantee success in any way. Even as an adult autonomy is a mere illusion and you are subject to more external precepts than you are probably aware off.
The world is burning and all around you there is terrible stuff that happens every second.

Life is inherently exhausting.
I've read, for example, about didactics and mnemonics.
Basically you learn shit better the more effort you put in.
You grow muscles better the more effort you put in.
The food that's healthy often tastes like shit while the unhealthy stuff tends to be bearable.

It's all just a continuous struggle without any apparent meaning. Yes you could take the Existentialist route and say: "Create your own meaning"
Tbh. I don't give a shit. I just want to check out. I don't want to find meaning in being a martyr fighting for a god I don't even know.

It all seems like a rigged system to me...

Furthermore my whole dysphoria drives me crazy. I try to accept who I am. I try to detach from cultural dictates. I try to authentically be myself in every situation.
Yet it's just not coherent. I can't be who I am. Every time I daydream or actually wake up from REM it's like I've been hit with a club. It just hurts so much and I can't console myself with anything. I can just bear with the pain.

The best feeling I have are around animals. I share my current room with a little kitten who is just adorable. She nibbles at my feet every night and starts purring the second you touch her.

Well anyway atm. life seems to be (non exaggerated) 95-98% struggle on a daily basis. I just don't enjoy stuff and I don't contribute to good things.
Even the things I "enjoy" consist mostly of effort.
Want to learn a new guitar piece?
Yeah mate first do hours and hours of grinding your tremolo and refine the techniques.
Read the thing, remember the thing, phrase the thing, sit upright, be ok with yourself when making mistakes, practice for a year until your 1/3 as good as some Spotify recording.

Tired yet? REPEAT UNTIL DEATH!

Yeah... as you can guess I'm not in the best spot at the moment.
One of my best experience in the past few weeks was one friend that expressed their appreciation for some of my character traits.
It was really unexpected 'cause he normally isn't the sentimental type.

The second best experience was 2 friends here from SaSu who connected in RL and sent me a voice message. I legitimately running laughing through the forest.
It felt so good to know that those that I feel closest too are actually real. And that they can connect. And since I deeply value both of them I was just glad that they have each other <3


If my resources allow it I will travel to Canada next spring. See if some of the rainforests in BC can help me find some peace.
If somebody's around Vancouver let me know and I'll visit you :)
 
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