TheMadPenguinn
New Member
- Aug 29, 2024
- 1
Hello, I'm a brand new member as of today, I've read all the rules and I would like to take a minute to vent because I'm unable to decide how to move forward with anything, so here goes. It might be long I apologize, so here's a TLDR;
I've been victimized and hurt my entire life and given out so much of myself to people I thought were good but I've gotten fucked over my entire life. I'm sick of the hurt and I never agreed or wanted to live, all I see is humanity hurting each other constantly. Do I keep trying to live even though I KNOW (and I'm almost sure it will never change for me) I don't want to be here, apart of this world anymore?
That's the basics, but here's what I really wanted to write.
I am 33 years old and ever since I was born I was treated with abuse, because my egg donor (my real mother) never wanted me. I was always the black sheep of the family - and still am to this day. I used to get told to "sit in my room and shut the fuck up" or I'd get whipped with the belt (or whatever she could grab) as well as get my mouth washed out with a full bar of soap for crying about it. Fast forward a few years (8years old) and I was raped by one of her (now) ex-boyfriends. The very next day she dropped me off at my father's house and told me she wanted nothing to do with me and that I was his problem now.
A year later she tried to come back into my life and pretended like nothing happened, wouldn't acknowledge it or talk about it at all and I would get the belt if I brought up anything even close to the subject of her ex (at this point they broke up). Fast forward a few more years, I have kids with two different women (different relationship times - not a cheater). By this point I'm 16 and was forced to drop out of high school by my egg donor to take care of my children, except she didn't want me having anything to do with my kids because "I don't do anything right" and contact with both of my kids is eventually lost even though I kept trying, but most of messages went unread, deleted, blocked or just plain unanswered.
It should be noted that the first relationship I was in, she was 17 and I was at the end of my 15th year when she got pregnant, she was a HUGE heroin addict at the time, and cheated on me with everyone. The second relationship I had we were both 17 and together for 8 years, however she cheated on me for the full 8 years with another guy.
Fast forward to 2018, I catch pneumonia which actually turns out to be Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer). I was at stage 4 at the time (near death) and was extremely lucky to get pneumonia, otherwise I would have died. I did two years of extremely intense radiation chemotherapy with a partner who at the time I thought was a good person, but she never went with me to any of my chemo appointments and we constantly fought, usually about money.
In 2022 I was officially declared cancer free and in remission and my partner at the time and I decided that we would sell my condo unit that I owned and move from NH where we both lived to AL where her parents lived. The plan was we would put all the money into building a house on her parents farm and live a nice easy life. We move down to AL and spend about 70,000$ (most in cash, forced by her parents) on stuff for the house we were going to build and then she turns around and kicks me out, saying she wanted nothing to do with me and I was a failure as a person and had no future being with.
I moved back to NH after 2 days of almost non stop driving, with 3,000$ to my name and a year later I found a partner who I thought would change everything, she seemed perfect and sweet and nice to me and we were together for a year until yesterday. She wants me to out before a new lease is signed and I have talked to my dad, (his opinion is that I'm 33 years old and to suck it up) and his wife but they aren't really happy about anything and those two people are the only two people I have in my life now, and the only thing they've really cared about is how much money I can make and how good of a job I can get.
I don't have any friends, I don't have a social life, what I do have is years of trauma, anxiety, add, adhd, severe post traumatic stress disorder, and there's only two hobbies that interest me, photography and gaming so I'm unsure if I'm on the spectrum or not.
I say all of this because I've never wanted to live, I've never agreed to it and my entire life all I've gotten is hurt, all I've seen is suffering and pain. What the fuck is the point anymore of trying? Everything in my life has gone to shit every single time and I've never wanted an out more than I do now. I'm at a loss of what to do because half of my brain is saying just leave this planet and half of my brain is telling me think about staying but the simple fact remains - I KNOW I don't want to be here anymore. I just don't.
Sorry the post is so long, my DM'S are open. Thank you for reading the full thing if you did, I just had to get this out. I'm unsure where to go from here.
I've been victimized and hurt my entire life and given out so much of myself to people I thought were good but I've gotten fucked over my entire life. I'm sick of the hurt and I never agreed or wanted to live, all I see is humanity hurting each other constantly. Do I keep trying to live even though I KNOW (and I'm almost sure it will never change for me) I don't want to be here, apart of this world anymore?
That's the basics, but here's what I really wanted to write.
I am 33 years old and ever since I was born I was treated with abuse, because my egg donor (my real mother) never wanted me. I was always the black sheep of the family - and still am to this day. I used to get told to "sit in my room and shut the fuck up" or I'd get whipped with the belt (or whatever she could grab) as well as get my mouth washed out with a full bar of soap for crying about it. Fast forward a few years (8years old) and I was raped by one of her (now) ex-boyfriends. The very next day she dropped me off at my father's house and told me she wanted nothing to do with me and that I was his problem now.
A year later she tried to come back into my life and pretended like nothing happened, wouldn't acknowledge it or talk about it at all and I would get the belt if I brought up anything even close to the subject of her ex (at this point they broke up). Fast forward a few more years, I have kids with two different women (different relationship times - not a cheater). By this point I'm 16 and was forced to drop out of high school by my egg donor to take care of my children, except she didn't want me having anything to do with my kids because "I don't do anything right" and contact with both of my kids is eventually lost even though I kept trying, but most of messages went unread, deleted, blocked or just plain unanswered.
It should be noted that the first relationship I was in, she was 17 and I was at the end of my 15th year when she got pregnant, she was a HUGE heroin addict at the time, and cheated on me with everyone. The second relationship I had we were both 17 and together for 8 years, however she cheated on me for the full 8 years with another guy.
Fast forward to 2018, I catch pneumonia which actually turns out to be Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer). I was at stage 4 at the time (near death) and was extremely lucky to get pneumonia, otherwise I would have died. I did two years of extremely intense radiation chemotherapy with a partner who at the time I thought was a good person, but she never went with me to any of my chemo appointments and we constantly fought, usually about money.
In 2022 I was officially declared cancer free and in remission and my partner at the time and I decided that we would sell my condo unit that I owned and move from NH where we both lived to AL where her parents lived. The plan was we would put all the money into building a house on her parents farm and live a nice easy life. We move down to AL and spend about 70,000$ (most in cash, forced by her parents) on stuff for the house we were going to build and then she turns around and kicks me out, saying she wanted nothing to do with me and I was a failure as a person and had no future being with.
I moved back to NH after 2 days of almost non stop driving, with 3,000$ to my name and a year later I found a partner who I thought would change everything, she seemed perfect and sweet and nice to me and we were together for a year until yesterday. She wants me to out before a new lease is signed and I have talked to my dad, (his opinion is that I'm 33 years old and to suck it up) and his wife but they aren't really happy about anything and those two people are the only two people I have in my life now, and the only thing they've really cared about is how much money I can make and how good of a job I can get.
I don't have any friends, I don't have a social life, what I do have is years of trauma, anxiety, add, adhd, severe post traumatic stress disorder, and there's only two hobbies that interest me, photography and gaming so I'm unsure if I'm on the spectrum or not.
I say all of this because I've never wanted to live, I've never agreed to it and my entire life all I've gotten is hurt, all I've seen is suffering and pain. What the fuck is the point anymore of trying? Everything in my life has gone to shit every single time and I've never wanted an out more than I do now. I'm at a loss of what to do because half of my brain is saying just leave this planet and half of my brain is telling me think about staying but the simple fact remains - I KNOW I don't want to be here anymore. I just don't.
Sorry the post is so long, my DM'S are open. Thank you for reading the full thing if you did, I just had to get this out. I'm unsure where to go from here.
