(Help/Vent) feeling worse after 3 years of recovery

[n4n4m1]

I feel like this might be the only place where someone might read what I have to say, so here it goes.

I (18F) cut myself last night after 3 years and 8 months of being clean. I have like, one "friend" who always ignores my messages which pretty much was the reason for my cutting.

I feel so lonely. I feel like nobody will listen. I see myself as a burden for just trying to talk about things I like. I hate that.

I don't wanna die but I feel like I want to keep hurting myself more. Maybe I just need more friends. I don't know where I can even get new friends who would talk with me daily without me having to always text them first. If any of you have any suggestions, let me know.

I feel like a failure.

 

[rosepanda]

First, I'm sorry to hear that your friend is ignoring you. That's not how a friend should treat another friend. Second, breaking your streak doesn't make you a failure. Staying clean that long is an achievement and you should be a least a little proud of yourself for doing it. If you can make it that long once I'm sure you can do it again. Maybe even longer this time. Lastly, I'm sure there's plenty of people on this forum that would be willing to talk to you and listen to you, myself included. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to shoot me a message or make a thread. I hope you feel better soon!

 

[n4n4m1]

First, I'm sorry to hear that your friend is ignoring you. That's not how a friend should treat another friend. Second, breaking your streak doesn't make you a failure. Staying clean that long is an achievement and you should be a least a little proud of yourself for doing it. If you can make it that long once I'm sure you can do it again. Maybe even longer this time. Lastly, I'm sure there's plenty of people on this forum that would be willing to talk to you and listen to you, myself included. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to shoot me a message or make a thread. I hope you feel better soon!

Thank you so much for the kind words, ngl I started crying while reading this :') I hope I'll be able to be clean again

 

[twin size mattress]

I hope you feel better soon, just popping in to say that you aren't a failure for relapsing! The fact that you were clean for that long is such an accomplishment in itself and as much as relapsing feels like shit this relapse doesn't erase all the progress you've made. You've still come so far from where you were and even tho i don't know you i'm so damn proud of you for it. In terms of suggestions, i don't have any except for keep pushing through and take it one day at a time. I know it's so so so much easier said than done but you've got this!

 

[ForgottenAgain]

When I read "friend" in quotes, I instantly knew what you mean.
You're not a failure at all. Congrats on your 3 years of being clean, it's a huge achievement! Sometimes we relapse and that's okay. I've been through the same myself, having SH for almost 5 years when I was around your age and several years later I did it again. It doesn't delete the fact that you've gone all those years clean.

I'm sorry that so called "friend" treats you like that. I've always been in the same position as you, always having to be the one to send messages, to keep the relationship alive. It is exhausting and makes us feel irrelevant to the other person.

What I can say as advice would be to invest in relationships at school/university, those are the ones that have more chance of developing into life long friendships. Besides that, try to meet people your age either through friendship apps like Bumble BFF or Boo or, even better, through a hobby that you practice somewhere locally. For example, if you like gaming and there's a gaming cafe that you usually go to or some other hobby that you can practice while being physically with other people.
It's way easier said that done but you're quite young and it's easier to make friends young rather than when you're already in your late 20s or 30s, usually anyway.

I wish you the best and, to reiterate, please don't feel bad for relapsing. It's normal and recovery isn't a straight upwards line, sometimes there's a dip and that's okay. You're very strong for being clean for that long. I'm very proud of you!

 

[cryone]

like everyone said, relapsing is a stage in recovery. dont knock yourself down b/c of it. but i have a different perspective abt friendship.

friends don't have an obligation to respond or put in equal effort. every1 has their own struggles and interests, and although it sucks to accept, they may not always prioritize you. this is coming from someone who has ignored and been ignored, but mainly the latter. for instance, i've had some friends I naturally started ghosting b/c they msgd me so frequently it made me uncomfortable. i hated the dependency, esp cause we weren't even super close.

so a great solution is to get more friends. but this is easier said than done, so instead i've learned to enjoy my own company. my best days recently were actually when I had little to no convos, b/c i never had the incentive to start them (to cope with loneliness).

 

[n4n4m1]

like everyone said, relapsing is a stage in recovery. dont knock yourself down b/c of it. but i have a different perspective abt friendship.

friends don't have an obligation to respond or put in equal effort. every1 has their own struggles and interests, and although it sucks to accept, they may not always prioritize you. this is coming from someone who has ignored and been ignored, but mainly the latter. for instance, i've had some friends I naturally started ghosting b/c they msgd me so frequently it made me uncomfortable. i hated the dependency, esp cause we weren't even super close.

so a great solution is to get more friends. but this is easier said than done, so instead i've learned to enjoy my own company. my best days recently were actually when I had little to no convos, b/c i never had the incentive to start them (to cope with loneliness).

I think that was a necessary reality check, thank you. I still feel kinda bad about being ignored because they never even react to my texts and only reply when they have something to say about themselves.

But maybe it is better for me to start enjoying my own company again and try to get closer friends, as you said. Thank you so much for the advice!! Hope you have a good day

 

[n4n4m1]

Thought I'd give an update after a month!

I've stayed clean for a month now, and so many things have happened. Life's looking up for me now. I feel much better and the urges have gone away.

And that friend? We're *almost* dating now. By almost I mean that we're waiting till we see eachother again to make it official. But we already call eachother girlfriend and boyfriend. He helps me a lot and I help him, too. I adore him.

I hope talking about my short recovery can inspire someone else, and/or give motivation/hope that things will go better.