Venting Her

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

I'm breakable. When i asked my best friend how i was as a person, how she would describe me as all she could say after a while of thinking was that i had attachment issues. Is that all she sees me as? Once she called me a pathetic white girl that got attached to the first person who gave her attention, and this is a direct quote. It was weird to be hurt, I've always been on the side that could barely communicate so I'd get scared and make up an issue and run away. But that time it wasn't me who was confused, wasn't me who was upset and it wasn't me who didn't know what to say. She told me she hated me. I don't think I've ever gotten over that despite hearing her say she loves me all the time now, i know it was a small moment of confusion and i didn't tell anyone this but i almost died that day. While we were parting ways i felt dizzy. I had been through a lot in those past few months, especially about my social situation and i was happy to have someone who i thought could actually understand me. She told me "don't die" as she was walking away, i laughed and said i wouldn't. I walked my way home, barely conscious, only not jumping in front of a car because she told me to. I repeated it in my head over and over again, "don't die". I got home and i just laid down for god knows how long before i could even start to cry then i cried myself to sleep. I'm not sure if she knows it harmed me this much, that i still haven't been able to stop thinking about it despite calling her like a lost dog just 2 weeks after i told her to fuck off. She told me that it was my fault for believing her and the love she showed me, that she said she wasn't always completely honest to me once or twice beforehand. I told her that she really didn't understand that words have an effect on people, that she was unreasonable for blaming it on me. I told her that i didn't have to fact check everything everyone says, how could i ever form a bond if i don't trust? And how could i have known that that was what she was referring to, she never spoke up about it. Once i called her again we argued, she said that she still believed she was right and we just ignored it and moved past it. Sometime later she invited me out and apologized to me when we got a moment to sit down before we parted ways, sitting on some bench facing the sea. I told her "why?" and smiled, she said she just was. I told her if she wanted she could explain it, she had difficulty doing so which happens often so i told her she could write it down for me when she wants to. When i got home she had written me a long message explaining things to me, i understood why she behaved that way and i was happy we could finally put it past us. Except that didn't happen, i can't stop thinking about it, i can't trust anyone and i haven't told a soul about it. Maybe that's part of the reason why i love her so much, it's because I'm not the only one who's in bad shape. For once in my life someone else was confused around me, someone had such a deep relationship with me that it was getting ruined since that's how a relationship gets even deeper. I found it interesting as hurtful as it was, sometimes i find that i despise her but sometimes i love her so much that she's the only thing that matters to me. Being broken instead of breaking, hearing words even i wouldn't say, it was weird. I really am fragile

 

[no.hope]

I'm breakable. When i asked my best friend how i was as a person, how she would describe me as all she could say after a while of thinking was that i had attachment issues. Is that all she sees me as? Once she called me a pathetic white girl that got attached to the first person who gave her attention, and this is a direct quote. It was weird to be hurt, I've always been on the side that could barely communicate so I'd get scared and make up an issue and run away. But that time it wasn't me who was confused, wasn't me who was upset and it wasn't me who didn't know what to say. She told me she hated me. I don't think I've ever gotten over that despite hearing her say she loves me all the time now, i know it was a small moment of confusion and i didn't tell anyone this but i almost died that day. While we were parting ways i felt dizzy. I had been through a lot in those past few months, especially about my social situation and i was happy to have someone who i thought could actually understand me. She told me "don't die" as she was walking away, i laughed and said i wouldn't. I walked my way home, barely conscious, only not jumping in front of a car because she told me to. I repeated it in my head over and over again, "don't die". I got home and i just laid down for god knows how long before i could even start to cry then i cried myself to sleep. I'm not sure if she knows it harmed me this much, that i still haven't been able to stop thinking about it despite calling her like a lost dog just 2 weeks after i told her to fuck off. She told me that it was my fault for believing her and the love she showed me, that she said she wasn't always completely honest to me once or twice beforehand. I told her that she really didn't understand that words have an effect on people, that she was unreasonable for blaming it on me. I told her that i didn't have to fact check everything everyone says, how could i ever form a bond if i don't trust? And how could i have known that that was what she was referring to, she never spoke up about it. Once i called her again we argued, she said that she still believed she was right and we just ignored it and moved past it. Sometime later she invited me out and apologized to me when we got a moment to sit down before we parted ways, sitting on some bench facing the sea. I told her "why?" and smiled, she said she just was. I told her if she wanted she could explain it, she had difficulty doing so which happens often so i told her she could write it down for me when she wants to. When i got home she had written me a long message explaining things to me, i understood why she behaved that way and i was happy we could finally put it past us. Except that didn't happen, i can't stop thinking about it, i can't trust anyone and i haven't told a soul about it. Maybe that's part of the reason why i love her so much, it's because I'm not the only one who's in bad shape. For once in my life someone else was confused around me, someone had such a deep relationship with me that it was getting ruined since that's how a relationship gets even deeper. I found it interesting as hurtful as it was, sometimes i find that i despise her but sometimes i love her so much that she's the only thing that matters to me. Being broken instead of breaking, hearing words even i wouldn't say, it was weird. I really am fragile

I'm not sure what to say other than she's a bad person