Illcryaboutitlater
A Jigglypuff that lost her Mic
- Dec 11, 2021
- 43
Tw 
abuse, Rape
Hey everyone please call me puff, i put a post on a introduction thread but i wanted to say more. Im a 31yo and I've come here after the NYT thing. Im glad they are dumb and posted this ive been kinda suffering with SI since that reddit was taken down and i wish i had looked for this place harder, I wouldn't be here suffering now if i had, but thats on me just giving up... i would just get offset by the suicide preventions at the top of the google pages i just decided to sit in my sorrow.
I've been in and out of counseling and psychiatric care since I was 9 years old with my first onset symptoms occurring when i was around 6 or 7, i remember really wanting to be kidnapped like Jon Benet Ramsay's after she was found dead. So i had been a self harmer since i was 13 and did a number on myself at a party when i was 15 cause i was sad the girl i liked was talking to other people so i selfishly traumatized them and my friends parents by cutting myself in their room with a brand new white carpet. I was homeless and living with her at the time so after that her mother sent me away and i was on the streets for a little while was placed in the child ward the first time given zoloft and it got worse after that, i went back to child ward another time after that after the honelessness after drinking too much, and a few times in holding for use of alcoholic beverages and drugs.
I tried to CTB again when i had a broken leg and no one was allowdd to visist me by taking all 17 packs of Tylenol my nana had, unfortunately and thankfully a friend called the police and i learned i was pregnant, i was going to keep it but the man at the time didn't want that so i had to get rid of them. I went on a binge of drinking and cough syrup after that, then got clean got into school finished tried to talk to counselors on and off cause mental health in the state i reside is a damn joke. I met someone well really i settled for someone at the age of 22 and long story short he broke me down throughout the Years, i lost my knly real support early on in the relationship my nana she was my everything
my parents are the type that should have had an abortion but religion trumped their abilities so i exist and they have really never been there for me im basically my moms mother after losing my nana.
After my nana passed one of my closest friends CTB by taking all his mental health meds, i had a break down after that got into treatment as i worked in a facility for mental healeh and the program director suggested it. Its been 6 years of going qnd as i went things with my now ex boyfriend started getting worse, before i got with him i was raped and had an abortion but had to pay out of pocket due to not having health insurance so i was unable to get birth control, i was dumb and slept with this man anyway even after i told him no i already had two abortions and didn't want to get pregnant again but low and behold i did, and was asked to do the same thing again and i didn't want to, though with everything that happened its good i didn't or i would be a different kind of fucked up.
Things got bad two years into the 5-7 we were involved its totally my fault i should have known the signs but he would just say we are gonna work on it. After the abortion i was told i needed to to better by him and own a car and have a good job and be working on a house so i did i was already in school and graduated in the first year we were together but just with an associates but he would yell and demean me and one day he said why would anyone ever have kids with you. I stayed anyway cause i was stupid cause i was settling and even though i didn't like him too much he loved me and thats as close as i was gonna get to the life i wanted i start at the mental health facility and make a ton of money but i was told always i wasn't contributing and so i got on meds again fkr the like 6th time they did nothing but make me drowsy, the only boundaries i had with him after we decided to work on ourselves together was i wasn't going to sleep with him, im positive that he assaulted me in my drugged state, this being the 4 time i had been sexually assaulted by a man i was assaulted by my step father at a young age and a cousin a few years before i met my ex pluse the random man that came into the place i was babysitting from which i got pregnant with the second abortion.
I had a tear in my acl along with my ex qlways commentting on my weight i got really big like over 200 pounds big when i was used to being 130 for my entire life which was still too fat for my ex, i didn't understand that black women fill out earlier sometimes so i just was binging and purging for a lot of it. Once i had surgery for the acl he put his hands on me the first time, i fought back i always defended myself cause i didn't wanna be like my mom and just get hurt. So we would argue and get physical, i decided to go to school again which he hated but it was a break from always being with him, he said i ruined his life cause he couldn't go even though i waited 3 years to return. I was deteriorating fast and got into a few issues at work which now i know was just me being extra symptomatic after having to stop the medication after taking it for years so i left the best job i had ever had so i could finish school. I would sleep at the school sometimes just to not be with him, i was isolated all my friends hated him, my current gf was supportive and always stayed in touch though
Fast forward to 2020 i rekindled a relationship with my bestfriend in 2018 who also hated my ex but would deal with him causs he loved me, well my best friend was going through custody and deportation with a drug addicted person so he decided to CTB that February ny shooting himself, i am still devastated by this cause i loved him wifh all my heart and he also told me the week before i wasn't allowed to go, i wish he would have let us go together, all i had left at that point to get away from the ex was the gym and school which i was now spending most of my time, then march 15 they closed. At this point i had made a plan to ctb on my bday last year i talked about it openly with my counselor, As well as the abuss i had been suffering the entire time remember this its important.
Fast forward to July 2020 i finally made the decision to leave i told him i was going to sell the stuff we had together and take my ps4 and my dog, i know now that i was a victim of DV and that was the wrong thing to tell him but i trusted him and i really didn't know, as per school staff and my counselor from march until july 5th i was instructed to stay in my bedroom for safety. I lost 25 pounds during that time causs if i would come out he would argue with me, one day i came to get some water and we argued he threatened to throw me in the hospital for the rest of my life and it triggered me to try and ctb by shooting myself well he fought me for the shotgun bad and then caed the cops and said i tried to kill him i get pulled over because i had two shot guns and was going to go do it away from the house and then 8 officers with guns were pointing at me asking to get out the car, i didn't cause i didn't cause i wanted to control my death it was and still is the only thing i have control over. I was 5150 into the hospital and not fed so im lost more weight, then i find out im being accused of multiple misdemeanor charges cause he said i tried to kill him.
Ive been going through clurt the past year and 5 month i was heavily suicidal until i got to be with my girlfriend which my counselor at the time used to encourage me to stay alive so i wouldn't hurt her, he still put me in the hospital again last October before he quit being my counselor. I tried, i lived for her, she has always been so precious to me i love her, things went okay for the first time, i had jobs many jobs cause before the pandemic and currently after everyone pretending its ended i have the worst luck with jobs and im not sure why, and i even got to work on a movie that came to my city which is what my degree is for. I was dumb i was not being realistic i was in a dreamlike state where i thought that he was the problem when im the only common denomination in all equations, i tossed all my pill i had saved for the past 6 years, my guns were taken i have no way out now just cause i allowed hope to get the best of me. I tried to rekindle other friendships i lost during the abuse but i have been failing, im used to being alone now though so now everyone is like why are you isolating, i tried to hang out with another old friend and he assaulted me as well just this past summer.
My gf has mental health things too and we are poly and she has already expressed concern about how i feel about her and how she doesn't feel the same way "yet" which in my head means never will... im grateful because this is the first time i dated someone who actually liked me back, i have many reasons to believe im autistic but cant get diagnosed and im also asexual and demi so i have only ever liked 7 people in my entire life since i was in 3rd grade till now, she is one of my special interests.
Im going to lose her and ill be i dont even know cause i expect it will be soon , i mean im never really alone cause all my friends use me to talk about their issues but dont have the same capacity which i understand but still get upset about So now i try to take care of my disabled mentally ill mother and thats also difficult and hurtful but she has no one elss as mu siblings are normal and are leaving her, she still gaslights me on my sexual assault by my siblings father though but i cant get around that so i have to accept it
Ive written all my letters, and revised and probably will proofread them again i havs court today but the job situation isn't going to help me pay rent in this state my car has been being repaired by a "friend" for 6 months now and i really just want to be gone before January 5th idk where or what i can do to get out now cause all my pills are gone... im mad at myself for believing in hope and manifesting and all that bs cause i could have been gone.
Im just so stupid i cant even
abuse, Rape Hey everyone please call me puff, i put a post on a introduction thread but i wanted to say more. Im a 31yo and I've come here after the NYT thing. Im glad they are dumb and posted this ive been kinda suffering with SI since that reddit was taken down and i wish i had looked for this place harder, I wouldn't be here suffering now if i had, but thats on me just giving up... i would just get offset by the suicide preventions at the top of the google pages i just decided to sit in my sorrow.
I've been in and out of counseling and psychiatric care since I was 9 years old with my first onset symptoms occurring when i was around 6 or 7, i remember really wanting to be kidnapped like Jon Benet Ramsay's after she was found dead. So i had been a self harmer since i was 13 and did a number on myself at a party when i was 15 cause i was sad the girl i liked was talking to other people so i selfishly traumatized them and my friends parents by cutting myself in their room with a brand new white carpet. I was homeless and living with her at the time so after that her mother sent me away and i was on the streets for a little while was placed in the child ward the first time given zoloft and it got worse after that, i went back to child ward another time after that after the honelessness after drinking too much, and a few times in holding for use of alcoholic beverages and drugs.
I tried to CTB again when i had a broken leg and no one was allowdd to visist me by taking all 17 packs of Tylenol my nana had, unfortunately and thankfully a friend called the police and i learned i was pregnant, i was going to keep it but the man at the time didn't want that so i had to get rid of them. I went on a binge of drinking and cough syrup after that, then got clean got into school finished tried to talk to counselors on and off cause mental health in the state i reside is a damn joke. I met someone well really i settled for someone at the age of 22 and long story short he broke me down throughout the Years, i lost my knly real support early on in the relationship my nana she was my everything
my parents are the type that should have had an abortion but religion trumped their abilities so i exist and they have really never been there for me im basically my moms mother after losing my nana. After my nana passed one of my closest friends CTB by taking all his mental health meds, i had a break down after that got into treatment as i worked in a facility for mental healeh and the program director suggested it. Its been 6 years of going qnd as i went things with my now ex boyfriend started getting worse, before i got with him i was raped and had an abortion but had to pay out of pocket due to not having health insurance so i was unable to get birth control, i was dumb and slept with this man anyway even after i told him no i already had two abortions and didn't want to get pregnant again but low and behold i did, and was asked to do the same thing again and i didn't want to, though with everything that happened its good i didn't or i would be a different kind of fucked up.
Things got bad two years into the 5-7 we were involved its totally my fault i should have known the signs but he would just say we are gonna work on it. After the abortion i was told i needed to to better by him and own a car and have a good job and be working on a house so i did i was already in school and graduated in the first year we were together but just with an associates but he would yell and demean me and one day he said why would anyone ever have kids with you. I stayed anyway cause i was stupid cause i was settling and even though i didn't like him too much he loved me and thats as close as i was gonna get to the life i wanted i start at the mental health facility and make a ton of money but i was told always i wasn't contributing and so i got on meds again fkr the like 6th time they did nothing but make me drowsy, the only boundaries i had with him after we decided to work on ourselves together was i wasn't going to sleep with him, im positive that he assaulted me in my drugged state, this being the 4 time i had been sexually assaulted by a man i was assaulted by my step father at a young age and a cousin a few years before i met my ex pluse the random man that came into the place i was babysitting from which i got pregnant with the second abortion.
I had a tear in my acl along with my ex qlways commentting on my weight i got really big like over 200 pounds big when i was used to being 130 for my entire life which was still too fat for my ex, i didn't understand that black women fill out earlier sometimes so i just was binging and purging for a lot of it. Once i had surgery for the acl he put his hands on me the first time, i fought back i always defended myself cause i didn't wanna be like my mom and just get hurt. So we would argue and get physical, i decided to go to school again which he hated but it was a break from always being with him, he said i ruined his life cause he couldn't go even though i waited 3 years to return. I was deteriorating fast and got into a few issues at work which now i know was just me being extra symptomatic after having to stop the medication after taking it for years so i left the best job i had ever had so i could finish school. I would sleep at the school sometimes just to not be with him, i was isolated all my friends hated him, my current gf was supportive and always stayed in touch though
Fast forward to 2020 i rekindled a relationship with my bestfriend in 2018 who also hated my ex but would deal with him causs he loved me, well my best friend was going through custody and deportation with a drug addicted person so he decided to CTB that February ny shooting himself, i am still devastated by this cause i loved him wifh all my heart and he also told me the week before i wasn't allowed to go, i wish he would have let us go together
, all i had left at that point to get away from the ex was the gym and school which i was now spending most of my time, then march 15 they closed. At this point i had made a plan to ctb on my bday last year i talked about it openly with my counselor, As well as the abuss i had been suffering the entire time remember this its important.Fast forward to July 2020 i finally made the decision to leave i told him i was going to sell the stuff we had together and take my ps4 and my dog, i know now that i was a victim of DV and that was the wrong thing to tell him but i trusted him and i really didn't know, as per school staff and my counselor from march until july 5th i was instructed to stay in my bedroom for safety. I lost 25 pounds during that time causs if i would come out he would argue with me, one day i came to get some water and we argued he threatened to throw me in the hospital for the rest of my life and it triggered me to try and ctb by shooting myself well he fought me for the shotgun bad and then caed the cops and said i tried to kill him i get pulled over because i had two shot guns and was going to go do it away from the house and then 8 officers with guns were pointing at me asking to get out the car, i didn't cause i didn't cause i wanted to control my death it was and still is the only thing i have control over. I was 5150 into the hospital and not fed so im lost more weight, then i find out im being accused of multiple misdemeanor charges cause he said i tried to kill him.
Ive been going through clurt the past year and 5 month i was heavily suicidal until i got to be with my girlfriend which my counselor at the time used to encourage me to stay alive so i wouldn't hurt her, he still put me in the hospital again last October before he quit being my counselor. I tried, i lived for her, she has always been so precious to me i love her, things went okay for the first time, i had jobs many jobs cause before the pandemic and currently after everyone pretending its ended i have the worst luck with jobs and im not sure why, and i even got to work on a movie that came to my city which is what my degree is for. I was dumb i was not being realistic i was in a dreamlike state where i thought that he was the problem when im the only common denomination in all equations, i tossed all my pill i had saved for the past 6 years, my guns were taken i have no way out now just cause i allowed hope to get the best of me. I tried to rekindle other friendships i lost during the abuse but i have been failing, im used to being alone now though so now everyone is like why are you isolating, i tried to hang out with another old friend and he assaulted me as well just this past summer.
My gf has mental health things too and we are poly and she has already expressed concern about how i feel about her and how she doesn't feel the same way "yet" which in my head means never will... im grateful because this is the first time i dated someone who actually liked me back, i have many reasons to believe im autistic but cant get diagnosed and im also asexual and demi so i have only ever liked 7 people in my entire life since i was in 3rd grade till now, she is one of my special interests.
Im going to lose her and ill be i dont even know cause i expect it will be soon , i mean im never really alone cause all my friends use me to talk about their issues but dont have the same capacity which i understand but still get upset about So now i try to take care of my disabled mentally ill mother and thats also difficult and hurtful but she has no one elss as mu siblings are normal and are leaving her, she still gaslights me on my sexual assault by my siblings father though but i cant get around that so i have to accept it
Ive written all my letters, and revised and probably will proofread them again i havs court today but the job situation isn't going to help me pay rent in this state my car has been being repaired by a "friend" for 6 months now and i really just want to be gone before January 5th idk where or what i can do to get out now cause all my pills are gone... im mad at myself for believing in hope and manifesting and all that bs cause i could have been gone.
Im just so stupid i cant even
