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I

iamlookingforanout

Member
Sep 30, 2024
20
Dear All,

Thanks to the moderators for accepting my request to join the site. I am extremely grateful.

I am planning on CTB by the end of this week using SN. I am waiting for a shipment that should be arriving by Thursday fingers crossed, as this has been delayed by the floods.

Three things:

1. I already attempted suicide two weeks ago, using the stupid method of 60 CoCodomal 30/500 and all that ended up doing was causing severe damage to my liver which seems to be recovering unfortunately from blood tests. I was pressured by the doctor after keeping it quiet as my mum discovered by two days after in my flat bed passed out. I intentionally didn't go to the hospital for at least 72hours as I wanted to do as much damage to my liver as possible in order to die. I only had what I had at the time. I wish I didn't do it this way as this will take me to my second point..

2. My mother. She is a wonderful woman. We have had our ups and downs, but she is such a caring and loving mother. I hate that I am doing this to her, but I cannot pretend anymore and continue living for someone else. Due to the first attempt she has told me how much it will destroy her if I go. I feel terrible guilt and only cry when I think of what I will do to her even though I have already decided. I want to go by the end of this week. I keep reassuring myself that it will hurt for a long while but she will recover. I adore her and when I hear stories of parents that are not loving I wish you could have my mother as it may have saved your lives. How do I deal with this? I wrote a note for when I go, but words only offer limited comfort.

3. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and will ask for some Diazepam which I have previously been prescribed. They may refuse due to my previous suicide attempt, but I hope they prescribe as it very unlikely to OD on 5x5 mg of Diazepam as that is all they prescribe in one round. Also the only AE I have is olanzapine. If so how would you structure my dosage including fasting and the subsequent drinking of the SN?

Thank you friends. I thank you in advance for all your advice. X
 
Last edited:
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Reactions: peacetoall
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
41,478
I hope that you find peace from the suffering, best wishes.
 
minamin

minamin

Member
Jun 3, 2021
22
I hope everything goes well for you Thursday. Unfortunately have the same situation as you with loving parents that would suffer once I go through with CTB. I have tried to rationalize it the same way— that the grieving will be hard but time will allow them to move on, they do have other people in their lives they can open up to. Hopefully your mother has someone similar that can help her through once you're gone. I think leaving behind a short note explaining how you feel is good. I'm debating whether or not I should burn my diary before I CTB— on the plus side if they read it, they would get much detail about how i feel, but on the other side, I don't really think it would help. For normal people you could spend pages and pages explaining how you feel and why you have to go, and they still wouldn't understand. Leaving a long note would act the same and I almost feel like it would make things worse. So a short note sounds better to me. I also am not going to blow any of the money I've saved over the years, so they'll get it when I go (they have access to my account). If you have the funds to do so, maybe also leaving behind some money would help her.

At the end of the day though, i think the guilt on my end will probably remain up until I do it, but I also think that is pretty normal. You just have to push through it…

Good luck!
 
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Reactions: iamlookingforanout
I

iamlookingforanout

Member
Sep 30, 2024
20
Thanks Minamin. I have left a short note. I tried as much as I could to apologise. I do love her, but I can't continue anymore. I'm too tired.
 
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Reactions: minamin
I

iamlookingforanout

Member
Sep 30, 2024
20
Ok Eveyone, this is my plan:

Method SN Stat (Olanzapine AE)

8 hours before SN Begin Fast

2 hours before SN Withdraw Fluids

45 mins before SN 5mg Olanzapine (AE), 20 mg Diazepam and Cocodomal 60/1000mg.

SN 2 x 25mg mixed with 50ml of water.

Could anyone advise if the plan above is ok and if using Cocodomal (codeine and paracetamol) Is ok do a pain killer? Also need to find out if the olanzapine dose is sufficient to prevent me throwing up?

All feedback appreciated.
 
Last edited:
Rudeus_Greyrat

Rudeus_Greyrat

Member
Oct 13, 2024
45
Ok Eveyone, this is my plan:

Method SN Stat (Olanzapine AE)

8 hours before SN Begin Fast

2 hours before SN Withdraw Fluids

45 mins before SN 5mg Olanzapine (AE), 20 mg Diazepam and Cocodomal 60/1000mg.

SN 2 x 25mg mixed with 50ml of water.

Could anyone advise if the plan above is ok and if using Cocodomal (codeine and paracetamol) Is ok do a pain killer? Also need to find out if the olanzapine dose is sufficient to prevent me throwing up?

All feedback appreciated.
I would really like to be able to make a plan like this, but I can't discuss the detail with anyone because I can't access PMs yet.
 
moody_cupcakes

moody_cupcakes

Member
Oct 7, 2024
19
Dear All,

Thanks to the moderators for accepting my request to join the site. I am extremely grateful.

I am planning on CTB by the end of this week using SN. I am waiting for a shipment that should be arriving by Thursday fingers crossed, as this has been delayed by the floods.

Three things:

1. I already attempted suicide two weeks ago, using the stupid method of 60 CoCodomal 30/500 and all that ended up doing was causing severe damage to my liver which seems to be recovering unfortunately from blood tests. I was pressured by the doctor after keeping it quiet as my mum discovered by two days after in my flat bed passed out. I intentionally didn't go to the hospital for at least 72hours as I wanted to do as much damage to my liver as possible in order to die. I only had what I had at the time. I wish I didn't do it this way as this will take me to my second point..

2. My mother. She is a wonderful woman. We have had our ups and downs, but she is such a caring and loving mother. I hate that I am doing this to her, but I cannot pretend anymore and continue living for someone else. Due to the first attempt she has told me how much it will destroy her if I go. I feel terrible guilt and only cry when I think of what I will do to her even though I have already decided. I want to go by the end of this week. I keep reassuring myself that it will hurt for a long while but she will recover. I adore her and when I hear stories of parents that are not loving I wish you could have my mother as it may have saved your lives. How do I deal with this? I wrote a note for when I go, but words only offer limited comfort.

3. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and will ask for some Diazepam which I have previously been prescribed. They may refuse due to my previous suicide attempt, but I hope they prescribe as it very unlikely to OD on 5x5 mg of Diazepam as that is all they prescribe in one round. Also the only AE I have is olanzapine. If so how would you structure my dosage including fasting and the subsequent drinking of the SN?

Thank you friends. I thank you in advance for all your advice. X
Just got my SN today. Hopefully Thursday my pain stops
 

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