lawlietsph
can we be done here
- May 6, 2023
- 181
I was never ever loved in my life and I truly think this is causing me unspeakable pain.
I am not talking about romantic love.
What if the two people in your life who are supposed to love you unconditionally - they never loved you at all?
My parents never ever showed love to me. We were living together, I've had food on the table and a place to sleep, but my mother was beating the shit out of me occasionally, and my father was really passive-aggressive, never present in our lives. They were happy with me as long as I was quiet, not causing any noise or trouble. They never loved me. I can't remember a single time when they hugged me or something. Now looking back I truly believe they are both narcissistic and absolutely horrible people for parenting.
I never ever experienced love.
All of my school years were miserable, zero friends, being bullied and laughed at. Zero love again.
I just started to try out myself in these romantic kinda things a year ago - I met a boy online, absolutely fell in love with him. He promised me the world and more, and for the first time I've finally felt like I belong somewhere. He ended up breaking my heart, soul, everything out of nowhere in the most horrible ways possible. One day he said let's have a video call. I thought it's going to be the usual, we talked all the time and I loved it. When his camera opened he looked at me with pure disgust (keep in mind he promised to marry me 3 days before), and he started telling me how fucking ugly and worthless I am and he actually brought one of his friends so they can laugh at me together. It was a 1 hour video call, them laughing and making fun of me, and me just standing there stunned, speechless, listening to what they are saying. He never spoke to me ever again, it took me 5 months to stop crying about this. I don't think about it as much as I used to, but I'll never ever recover from the things he said.
Couple of months later I've met another boy online. Again, him being the kindest, most caring person in the world - I fell in love. I crave every tiny bit of attention. He started to turn things towards a very sexual way, and when I said that it's too much for me, he pulled away and basically told me he doesn't want anything serious and he doesn't understand why we have to be a couple in order to "have fun". He's doing this push-pull method with me ever since. He put me in friend zone (being fully aware that I love him more). As soon as I say that's enough and I detach myself from him, he comes back like the sweetest person on earth. But as soon as I get invested, he disappears and ignores all of my messages for weeks or even a month. I tell him about suicide and he doesn't even try to stop me or anything. It hurts like hell.
This is all of my experience with love. And I think the biggest bullshit on earth is the "you have to love yourself first" thing. No, it is a basic human need to receive love from others, you cannot love yourself if nobody loves you. I think this is absolute bullshit.
I cry all the time because I crave a feeling that I've never experienced before. What does it feel like to be important? What does it feel like when someone is happy to see you? Am I really that fucking ugly and worthless and I simply doesn't deserve love? Is there a place for me somewhere on this planet? Is there a home for me somewhere? Am I truly that disgusting and worse than any other people?
What does it feels like to be loved and cared for? How can I live like this any longer?
I truly feel physical pain in my chest. It is empty. If I die today, nobody will care. I am unlovable.
I am not talking about romantic love.
What if the two people in your life who are supposed to love you unconditionally - they never loved you at all?
My parents never ever showed love to me. We were living together, I've had food on the table and a place to sleep, but my mother was beating the shit out of me occasionally, and my father was really passive-aggressive, never present in our lives. They were happy with me as long as I was quiet, not causing any noise or trouble. They never loved me. I can't remember a single time when they hugged me or something. Now looking back I truly believe they are both narcissistic and absolutely horrible people for parenting.
I never ever experienced love.
All of my school years were miserable, zero friends, being bullied and laughed at. Zero love again.
I just started to try out myself in these romantic kinda things a year ago - I met a boy online, absolutely fell in love with him. He promised me the world and more, and for the first time I've finally felt like I belong somewhere. He ended up breaking my heart, soul, everything out of nowhere in the most horrible ways possible. One day he said let's have a video call. I thought it's going to be the usual, we talked all the time and I loved it. When his camera opened he looked at me with pure disgust (keep in mind he promised to marry me 3 days before), and he started telling me how fucking ugly and worthless I am and he actually brought one of his friends so they can laugh at me together. It was a 1 hour video call, them laughing and making fun of me, and me just standing there stunned, speechless, listening to what they are saying. He never spoke to me ever again, it took me 5 months to stop crying about this. I don't think about it as much as I used to, but I'll never ever recover from the things he said.
Couple of months later I've met another boy online. Again, him being the kindest, most caring person in the world - I fell in love. I crave every tiny bit of attention. He started to turn things towards a very sexual way, and when I said that it's too much for me, he pulled away and basically told me he doesn't want anything serious and he doesn't understand why we have to be a couple in order to "have fun". He's doing this push-pull method with me ever since. He put me in friend zone (being fully aware that I love him more). As soon as I say that's enough and I detach myself from him, he comes back like the sweetest person on earth. But as soon as I get invested, he disappears and ignores all of my messages for weeks or even a month. I tell him about suicide and he doesn't even try to stop me or anything. It hurts like hell.
This is all of my experience with love. And I think the biggest bullshit on earth is the "you have to love yourself first" thing. No, it is a basic human need to receive love from others, you cannot love yourself if nobody loves you. I think this is absolute bullshit.
I cry all the time because I crave a feeling that I've never experienced before. What does it feel like to be important? What does it feel like when someone is happy to see you? Am I really that fucking ugly and worthless and I simply doesn't deserve love? Is there a place for me somewhere on this planet? Is there a home for me somewhere? Am I truly that disgusting and worse than any other people?
What does it feels like to be loved and cared for? How can I live like this any longer?
I truly feel physical pain in my chest. It is empty. If I die today, nobody will care. I am unlovable.