nerve
fat cringey shut-in
- Jun 19, 2019
- 1,013
Weird situation but hear me out.
I live with my ex but this was still a problem when we were together. Sometimes if I'm just walking past him, he'll grope my chest or grab my butt or something. I have to be careful of what I wear and how I sit to reduce the chances of him thinking to touch me. He gets upset sometimes if I say that I don't want to be touched. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he usually attacks my tone or says something to the effect of "what you want always changes. How am I supposed to know what it is today?" Or he just forgets. I've told him twice recently that I've been feeling a little edgy and flashback-y about being touched, and he nods and says it's alright but doesn't actually change his behavior.
I'm not touch-averse in general, I just don't want to be sexually touched and grabbed at without permission. I imagine a lot of people don't. He has no problem sticking his hand down my pants or up my shirt whenever he thinks to. It's actually a funny joke to him. He'll stop me in my tracks to reach around and grab my chest (arms wrapped around me so I can't move, which is incredibly uncomfortable and almost triggering for me) or if I'm washing dishes, he'll come up behind me and start rubbing his crotch against my back, all while laughing or making exaggerated moaning sounds. It's a joke. It's also a way for him to relieve or express his sexual urges, but he tries to pass it off as "I was just messing around" as if that makes a difference to me.
Making matters worse is that I have a history of being sexually abused in the home and he does a lot of the same stuff my abuser did. If I try to tell him this, sometimes he becomes offended that I would even compare him to that person. Again, usually my "tone" is wrong but I think the only answer that'll actually please him is to just let it happen. Even then, if I let him touch me and I freeze up or get tense, on the rare occasion he notices, he asks why I'm scowling or he'll just scoff or roll his eyes, let me go, and give a "God, sorry." Sometimes I have to just go into my room and cry, but I can't do it loudly or for too long or else he'll notice and ask what's wrong. I tell him "usual stuff" or "nothing new" because I know there's a decent chance he'll get mad if I say it's because of how he touched me.
Moving out isn't an option (ironically, the only other place I could go is my mother's house, where my original abuser still lives) and I don't think he's interested in sitting down and having a talk about it. It usually comes down to "I take such good care of you and this is how you repay me?" He doesn't really address what I say and usually falls back on saying that my tone, body language, or word usage was too harsh. "It's okay if you don't want to be touched just don't act like an ungrateful bitch about it." I live in his home and eat his food and use his water and I understand that doesn't put me in a position to be making demands, but I was hoping being here wouldn't mean waiving my right to give or refuse physical consent. If I'd known that was part of the deal beforehand, I don't think I would have moved in with him. So I guess this is an "Am I the asshole?" thing too.
I've been trying to recall what it was like when I was a kid and how I'd dissociate during the abuse then, but I'm apparently not nearly as good at it as I used to be. I do my best to zone out and think about other things or repeat mantras like "put up with it" or "it'll be over soon" in my head, but I still can't tolerate it very well. Sometimes if I squirm away he's okay with it or it's just part of the joke, but I never know if this is the time he'll get hurt and mad over it, so I try not to.
It feels fucking awful to know that nothing has really changed from when I was a child and once again, I'm just a prop someone uses to satisfy their sexual desires. I'm kind of gross and ugly so I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with this sort of thing as an adult, but apparently I don't even have to leave the house to be harassed and used by a man. If this is how little my wants and needs matter, that's just another reason I'd rather not be alive.
so idk I guess part of me is wondering if anyone who has any experience putting up with unpleasant physical sensations (sexual or otherwise) could talk about how they deal with it.
(phew this ended up a lot longer than I intended)
I live with my ex but this was still a problem when we were together. Sometimes if I'm just walking past him, he'll grope my chest or grab my butt or something. I have to be careful of what I wear and how I sit to reduce the chances of him thinking to touch me. He gets upset sometimes if I say that I don't want to be touched. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he usually attacks my tone or says something to the effect of "what you want always changes. How am I supposed to know what it is today?" Or he just forgets. I've told him twice recently that I've been feeling a little edgy and flashback-y about being touched, and he nods and says it's alright but doesn't actually change his behavior.
I'm not touch-averse in general, I just don't want to be sexually touched and grabbed at without permission. I imagine a lot of people don't. He has no problem sticking his hand down my pants or up my shirt whenever he thinks to. It's actually a funny joke to him. He'll stop me in my tracks to reach around and grab my chest (arms wrapped around me so I can't move, which is incredibly uncomfortable and almost triggering for me) or if I'm washing dishes, he'll come up behind me and start rubbing his crotch against my back, all while laughing or making exaggerated moaning sounds. It's a joke. It's also a way for him to relieve or express his sexual urges, but he tries to pass it off as "I was just messing around" as if that makes a difference to me.
Making matters worse is that I have a history of being sexually abused in the home and he does a lot of the same stuff my abuser did. If I try to tell him this, sometimes he becomes offended that I would even compare him to that person. Again, usually my "tone" is wrong but I think the only answer that'll actually please him is to just let it happen. Even then, if I let him touch me and I freeze up or get tense, on the rare occasion he notices, he asks why I'm scowling or he'll just scoff or roll his eyes, let me go, and give a "God, sorry." Sometimes I have to just go into my room and cry, but I can't do it loudly or for too long or else he'll notice and ask what's wrong. I tell him "usual stuff" or "nothing new" because I know there's a decent chance he'll get mad if I say it's because of how he touched me.
Moving out isn't an option (ironically, the only other place I could go is my mother's house, where my original abuser still lives) and I don't think he's interested in sitting down and having a talk about it. It usually comes down to "I take such good care of you and this is how you repay me?" He doesn't really address what I say and usually falls back on saying that my tone, body language, or word usage was too harsh. "It's okay if you don't want to be touched just don't act like an ungrateful bitch about it." I live in his home and eat his food and use his water and I understand that doesn't put me in a position to be making demands, but I was hoping being here wouldn't mean waiving my right to give or refuse physical consent. If I'd known that was part of the deal beforehand, I don't think I would have moved in with him. So I guess this is an "Am I the asshole?" thing too.
I've been trying to recall what it was like when I was a kid and how I'd dissociate during the abuse then, but I'm apparently not nearly as good at it as I used to be. I do my best to zone out and think about other things or repeat mantras like "put up with it" or "it'll be over soon" in my head, but I still can't tolerate it very well. Sometimes if I squirm away he's okay with it or it's just part of the joke, but I never know if this is the time he'll get hurt and mad over it, so I try not to.
It feels fucking awful to know that nothing has really changed from when I was a child and once again, I'm just a prop someone uses to satisfy their sexual desires. I'm kind of gross and ugly so I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with this sort of thing as an adult, but apparently I don't even have to leave the house to be harassed and used by a man. If this is how little my wants and needs matter, that's just another reason I'd rather not be alive.
so idk I guess part of me is wondering if anyone who has any experience putting up with unpleasant physical sensations (sexual or otherwise) could talk about how they deal with it.
(phew this ended up a lot longer than I intended)
