How can i seriously ever recover?

[darkcirclesunder]

I have absolutely 0 self love, i mean absolutely zero. I received almost no emotional affection or warmth growing up, i mean my mom might of gave me hugs when i went to school but that was it. I also had to witness domestic violence at age 3 or 4. Ive never developed strong emotional relationships with anyone. No one ever cared about me on a deep level or loved me. Dad would only tell me he loved me when he was drunk but then if i got mad he would yell and verbally abuse me. I dont really think there can be anything to overcome this shit, im not cut out for any relationship and i would probably only attract bpd women who would cheat on me or worse. I also deal with self loathing and horrendous guilt over some awful things i did after a breakup at age 19. I am really just a dark, unloved rag who was just not enough for the society and family i was in. Every one had their own problems and hopes and status to protect and i was forgotten about, drug through a dirty, lonely sad life of neglect, bullying, and other bullshit.

 

[Regen]

I am very sorry to read this. You sound like a lonely, lost soul in deserted darkness.

I also often feel that lostness that you have when you didn't get enough emotional closeness as a child. I'm doing schema therapy, where one of the things is to emotionally make up for things from childhood. My psychologist is always totally positive, but I myself think that in the end you can't make up for some things. And in that respect I agree with you, some things will never be completely good and healthy for me either. I think that if you have a profound personality disorder, you can never become a different person. You can only learn to cope better with what you have. But you can definitely learn to do that!!! I think part of true self-love is also accepting that you have difficulties in some places and not ripping yourself apart for it. There is no one who is always flawless. You made mistakes in a breakup at a youthful 19. In relationships we get to our deepest fears, of course you make mistakes there, you are vulnerable, you get angry, unfair, childish. But you also get in touch with your heart and learn what you want, need, like and what not.

I don't know how old you are and how long you have been trying to learn self-love and whether you are trying to do it alone or with the help of another person. If you have only tried a little then you still have an insanely great potential to improve something. Some people do amazingly well over the years, for others improvement takes a long time. You never know in advance to which variant you belong!

With me it is laborious. But at least I am now so far that I no longer have this constant mental pain and I have decided for the time being to continue living. Whether I can ever love myself enough to have a healthy relationship I don't know yet. But I hope so.

I think I was just talking anything, which probably won't really help you. But I wanted to tell you, I read your post and I can very well understand how difficult it is to love yourself. I wish you from my heart you find a way!!!

 

[makethepainstop]

I have absolutely 0 self love, i mean absolutely zero. I received almost no emotional affection or warmth growing up, i mean my mom might of gave me hugs when i went to school but that was it. I also had to witness domestic violence at age 3 or 4. Ive never developed strong emotional relationships with anyone. No one ever cared about me on a deep level or loved me. Dad would only tell me he loved me when he was drunk but then if i got mad he would yell and verbally abuse me. I dont really think there can be anything to overcome this shit, im not cut out for any relationship and i would probably only attract bpd women who would cheat on me or worse. I also deal with self loathing and horrendous guilt over some awful things i did after a breakup at age 19. I am really just a dark, unloved rag who was just not enough for the society and family i was in. Every one had their own problems and hopes and status to protect and i was forgotten about, drug through a dirty, lonely sad life of neglect, bullying, and other bullshit.

Sometimes other actions are so painful to us that we seek a release from the pain. Enough stressors can make the toughest among us ctb. Just the way it is. Much love to you and all here who are hurt or hurting.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I am very sorry to read this. You sound like a lonely, lost soul in deserted darkness.

I also often feel that lostness that you have when you didn't get enough emotional closeness as a child. I'm doing schema therapy, where one of the things is to emotionally make up for things from childhood. My psychologist is always totally positive, but I myself think that in the end you can't make up for some things. And in that respect I agree with you, some things will never be completely good and healthy for me either. I think that if you have a profound personality disorder, you can never become a different person. You can only learn to cope better with what you have. But you can definitely learn to do that!!! I think part of true self-love is also accepting that you have difficulties in some places and not ripping yourself apart for it. There is no one who is always flawless. You made mistakes in a breakup at a youthful 19. In relationships we get to our deepest fears, of course you make mistakes there, you are vulnerable, you get angry, unfair, childish. But you also get in touch with your heart and learn what you want, need, like and what not.

I don't know how old you are and how long you have been trying to learn self-love and whether you are trying to do it alone or with the help of another person. If you have only tried a little then you still have an insanely great potential to improve something. Some people do amazingly well over the years, for others improvement takes a long time. You never know in advance to which variant you belong!

With me it is laborious. But at least I am now so far that I no longer have this constant mental pain and I have decided for the time being to continue living. Whether I can ever love myself enough to have a healthy relationship I don't know yet. But I hope so.

I think I was just talking anything, which probably won't really help you. But I wanted to tell you, I read your post and I can very well understand how difficult it is to love yourself. I wish you from my heart you find a way!!!

Omg I relate so bad with what you said and I totally agree with you and the OP. Some things that they should have given us in childhood are irreplaceable but I also think therapy can help us cope with that a little bit better and that's what I'm trying to do. I hope things get better for you and I wish you the best on the road to recovery.

 

[Susannah]

It is sad to read your story. You've had it tough. I reckon most people in this forum are struggling with their lives.

The big question is how to put the past behind us. I personally believe that when you are aware of your own problems, weaknesses and traumas, only YOU can help yourself. Medicines and therapists work best in an acute phase.

Tip No. 1:
Talk positively about yourself to yourself as often as you can. Think of it as mental training. Speak loudly.

For example, I stand in front of the mirror and say out loud to myself that;
i am strong! Susannah, you can fix this! I am kind! I'm smart and cool!

I know it sounds weird, but it actually has an effect. You believe more easily things you say more than once. Repetition, repetition, etc.

Much is about looking at the possibilities of the future, not dragging in the disadvantages of the past.
Lots of loveS

 

[achromatic]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through and I relate to your self-hate and loneliness issues, but I need to address the stigmatising way you wrote about bpd women " who would cheat on you or worse" it's down to a person and there is absolutly no need to reinforce hurtful stereotypes. Cheating is not one of a DSM or icd10 criteria for bpd and yet I see so many people eager to diagnose their toxic ex with it simply because they happened to be an asshole.
Contrary to a popular belief Bpd does not stand for bitchy person disorder

 

[darkcirclesunder]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through and I relate to your self-hate and loneliness issues, but I need to address the stigmatising way you wrote about bpd women " who would cheat on you or worse" it's down to a person and there is absolutly no need to reinforce hurtful stereotypes. Cheating is not one of a DSM or icd10 criteria for bpd and yet I see so many people eager to diagnose their toxic ex with it simply because they happened to be an asshole.
Contrary to a popular belief Bpd does not stand for bitchy person disorder

Thats true. I shouldnt of brought up bpd as i dont really know much about it.

 

[Lonerzepam]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through and I relate to your self-hate and loneliness issues, but I need to address the stigmatising way you wrote about bpd women " who would cheat on you or worse" it's down to a person and there is absolutly no need to reinforce hurtful stereotypes. Cheating is not one of a DSM or icd10 criteria for bpd and yet I see so many people eager to diagnose their toxic ex with it simply because they happened to be an asshole.
Contrary to a popular belief Bpd does not stand for bitchy person disorder

Sry I just laughed at the last sentence but you are absolutely right regarding this stigmatisation.
Sorry you are suffering bro.

Many of us in this forum do.

But we really support each other I haven't seen such support in any other forum.

But your title hit me hard. I'm asking myself the same question everyday. Like fight or flight. Ctb or stay. Really hard to say. But I think the more you put the effort in recovery the less you want to ctb everyday cuz you feel a little bit better even the slightest bit when you take your recovery seriously but personally I couldn't do it on my own I have lots of support which I wish everyone had.

But the more effort you put in the less you want to ctb I think cuz firstly you see improvements everyday and secondly you wouldn't want to be all that effort for nothing.
Sure there also will be setbacks but for the most part you can overcome them if you have the strenght, willpower and support.

I relapsed on Heroin few days ago, wasn't able to piss, bladder almost splashed, mom drove me to the ER and I got a catheter put down to my bladder. Now I have to walk around with a pissbag for a week which completely messed up my recovery schedule cuz I could only lay in bed and couldn't go jogging and do other stuff to get better.

But I know relapses are part of recovery. Although it was a horrific experience it also was for something good cuz now I won't touch any drug ever again...

All I want to say is keep grinding bro and one day you'll eventually see the results you're looking for.

And if not there always is a bus to catch.

I myself wanna try the recovery path for atleast a bit longer until I make my final decision..

Best wishes you're in my heart bro/sis