NSFW how did depression affect you

[BlueberrySylv]

this is more or less just an insight of how did depression affected each one of us.
mainly I'm just curious, that how did this affect your:

motivation, your sexual desires, your idea of future seeing, the way you think about certain things, the way you interact with people. and anything else that I have forgotten to put here

for me personally:
i practically have stopped even bothering to think about the future. the future for me is nonexistent and I don't even see any future. I can't even see myself in the future for any reason. if I do it's rather just a daydream. a fake story that I would say is a good "future" nothing realistic for myself.
not sure about my sexual desires though.... it's been going up and down I suppose. sometimes I really even hate the idea of anything sexual and some other days I kinda crave it.
I think the way I interact with people has changed drastically, I usually was very optimistic and tried to get with anyone and talked to people a ton whenever I had the chance, if the awkward silent sat I would try my best to remove that, but after all this...stuff, it feels like whatever happens happens. I try to talk to people who talk to me but to approach and try my best is not true. and now often I just see the "bad side" of people rather than their "good side" if it makes sense.
but generally speaking I just feel it has made me way more lazy. cause at the end of the story. it doesn't matter right. it's just all gonna "end". soon

 

[ILikeJollybee]

Before depression I was incredibly active, would play a lot of video games, watch a lot of shows, engaged in my hobbies such as drawing and did well in my studies. Now I'm just lazy and lie around all day on my phone since I have no motivation to do anything, I'm starting to become stupider and I don't really do anything productive. I don't have any sexual desires since anything sex related makes me incredibly uncomfortable, the aspect of losing my virginity sounds horrible for some reason.
I've become a lot more cynical and nothing makes me happy anymore, I'm mostly numb,angry or sad. I can't really socialize anymore since I suck at it, it's incredibly draining and I don't feel any sort of genuine connection when I do it. I feel like most people think I'm boring or are bothered with my presence, I don't think anyone enjoys hanging out with me at all and I think they're sick of me.
I would like to improve someday and return to my old self but I don't think it's possible, I can't really imagine anything to fix this and I can't really receive help. Death seems to be the only way out of my misery.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I too no longer see a future in me. Just a faint hope that seems like a joke more than anything. I wish I could just CTB because I frankly don't care about anything and anyone in my irl anymore. They don't care about me so why should I?

Depression made me think "whatever" when I think about my future. Whatever happens happens as long as I can get to put the word "End" to this shitshow of life. My sexual life is nonexistent and I don't feel bad about it because I am suicidal.

Whatever happens in my life, doesn't matter. I already inspected everything I could and determined I'm not interested in this "life" anymore.

Although while I'm still alive with no way to CTB I just like to talk to people I guess... (Online of course, irl if I talk I'll be destroyed even worse)

 

[KillingPain267]

Future? Is that a new show on Netflix? Never heard of it.

 

[Peace2peace]

It made me disabled

 

[Forveleth]

I have Persistent Depressive Disorder with bouts of Double Depression (yay me!) and the biggest effect is has had on me is my overall growth as a person due to being tired all the damn time. I have spent decades having very few hobbies or doing nothing when I come home from work as I was just too drained from my day to be active. You add up the 2 hours/day over the course of 20-ish years and I could have to many talents, skills, so much more knowledge. I could maybe even be half way through my Steam library!

So, time I guess. Depression has stolen time from me.

 

[death_bed221]

I think It destroyed me completely. I am like a shell of a human.

 

[Lost Magic]

I have had depression and anxiety since I was a kid. It got worse through time because of society and being trapped in a human body. I take prozac, but it just makes me numb. Night time and sleep is a good distraction but even that is not enough anymore. It's just a matter of time before I give up. But that's a good thing because I am physically and emotionally burnt out!

 

[atrophy]

Depression affected my functioning.

I developed an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa) because of body dysmorphia along with this mood disorder making me physically unhealthy with a very low BMI.

I couldn't even do day to day activities, I usually lay in the bed all day. I struggled to even brush my teeth or take a bath.

I developed a distrust in people, I'm socially isolated and introverted. I cannot hold a conversation because I think they already hate me after talking to me, self sabotage.

All my relationships (platonic and romantic) have been rocky because of my struggles basically isolating me.

It affects my academics and I have recurring suicidal ideations which makes me miserable.

 

[sximii]

Terribly (I'll be speaking in past tense because this is how it was before I started my meds). I had catatonic episodes. Basically disabled, because if I left the house I got so physically and mentally exhausted I would become unresponsive (depended though, I could leave like maybe once a week). I had to switch to online school. Tiniest things (like taking a shower for example) exhausted me entirely mentally so much I'd go into unresponsive states of just staring into space. Because of this personal hygiene was extremely difficult, I cleaned myself really rarely, I could spend even 2 weeks wearing and sleeping in the same clothes. It was fucking awful. And this is just half of it. I was self harming so much that I couldn't be left alone in a room, I couldn't close the door to the bathroom. Only a few months ago I can finally start to sleep by myself (I'm 18 for context). After starting meds it started gradually getting better, 2 years ago I returned to school and I can now do basic functions, like socialise, take care of myself, basically be a functioning individual. I haven't been in a psychiatric unit for over a year, my family is getting less paranoid. It's still a big issue though, I basically survive on meds. If I skip 2 days I go back into that same pit I was in before.

 

[Namelesa]

Depression has decreased my motivation and want to do a lot of things. Things feel more repetitive and boring to me and I have less energy to do things. Its made me have less self-worth and makes it harder to do daily things. It has lessened my sense of hope as I feel like I am trapped here to suffer and I won't be able to escape it whether through recovery or suicide (cus I can't access any effective methods.) It has made me feel like a burden sometimes as I can negatively effect people with my depressing emotions. In terms of sexual desires, I think depression has increased it as a way of coping. I often masturbate when I am feeling down to feel better.

 

[RandomMacBeth]

this is more or less just an insight of how did depression affected each one of us.
mainly I'm just curious, that how did this affect your:

motivation, your sexual desires, your idea of future seeing, the way you think about certain things, the way you interact with people. and anything else that I have forgotten to put here

for me personally:
i practically have stopped even bothering to think about the future. the future for me is nonexistent and I don't even see any future. I can't even see myself in the future for any reason. if I do it's rather just a daydream. a fake story that I would say is a good "future" nothing realistic for myself.
not sure about my sexual desires though.... it's been going up and down I suppose. sometimes I really even hate the idea of anything sexual and some other days I kinda crave it.
I think the way I interact with people has changed drastically, I usually was very optimistic and tried to get with anyone and talked to people a ton whenever I had the chance, if the awkward silent sat I would try my best to remove that, but after all this...stuff, it feels like whatever happens happens. I try to talk to people who talk to me but to approach and try my best is not true. and now often I just see the "bad side" of people rather than their "good side" if it makes sense.
but generally speaking I just feel it has made me way more lazy. cause at the end of the story. it doesn't matter right. it's just all gonna "end". soon

Wtf you described me, when i saw your thread i was thinking in a reply, but you already said it all.

 

[zilk]

I've been feeling deeply apathetic and nihilistic about everything. As you mentioned, if it's all going to end one day whats the point anyway?, it's hard to find meaning or motivation. This has stripped me of so much—basic things like hygiene, getting out of bed, and maintaining any routine feels impossible. I've also cut ties with a lot of people, leaving me feeling extremely isolated and alone but i guess its my own fault.

 

[chandxoxo]

I too no longer see a future in me. Just a faint hope that seems like a joke more than anything. I wish I could just CTB because I frankly don't care about anything and anyone in my irl anymore. They don't care about me so why should I?

Depression made me think "whatever" when I think about my future. Whatever happens happens as long as I can get to put the word "End" to this shitshow of life. My sexual life is nonexistent and I don't feel bad about it because I am suicidal.

Whatever happens in my life, doesn't matter. I already inspected everything I could and determined I'm not interested in this "life" anymore.

Although while I'm still alive with no way to CTB I just like to talk to people I guess... (Online of course, irl if I talk I'll be destroyed even worse)

i feel the exact same things... we can chat if you want

 

[SoulWhisperer]

i feel the exact same things... we can chat if you want

I dunno what I could talk about, but if you want, sure. Just keep in mind I'm not exactly stable emotionally/mentally for obvious reasons

 

[cali22♡]

I had a completely different life. I was active could concentrate on myself and was mega hardworking so more than normal I had the "best" school performance and was self-confident and could enjoy my life to some extent but since I suffer from severe depression everything is different I was never at risk of ctb and now because of that I've tried so many times I can't count them by hand. Everything is mega sad and I have no more strength I have also tried meds but it has done absolutely nothing I see no other way out than ctb

Message to everyone here:

Please take care of yourselves
</3

 

[HelloDarkness25]

I think It destroyed me completely. I am like a shell of a human.

Couldn't say it better. It destroyed myself and my life completely. I'm basically a walking carcass driven by disease riddled brain, and my goal is to turn this brain off someday (hopefully, in not too long future)

 

[divinemistress36]

It effects every part of your body not just your brain.

 

[danny10]

Depression pretty much changed everything about me. I used to be outgoing, loved to make new friends and contacts. Now with depression I developed social phobia and I'm scared of even the simplest social interactions. I also had a great job with great salary but due to depression they fired me and I'm now broke. I had a nice self confidence and self value, now my self confidence is zero and I hate myself. I used to be fit and in form, I went to the gym every day, now with depression I'm lazy and because of antidepressants, I gained a lot of fat. I used to be able to sleep really good, but with depression I barely get any sleep. I never in my life had anxiety but since depression hit me, I have an immense amount of anxiety and every little thing stresses me. I can go on, the list is very long...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm really not sure. Seeing as I've had ideation since I was 10 and I was always a bit of a pessimist, it's like I've either had it my whole life pretty much, or I don't have it at all! Not much has severely changed. I've pretty much always struggled with certain things.

I truly don't exactly know. Can you have such deep seated ideation, such dread for the future, such lethargy and not be depressed? There again, I'm not incapable of feeling joy. My appetite, sleeping patterns and sex drive are pretty much normal. I can hold a job.

The biggest change for me recently is that my coping mechanism- being creative- which did a totally stellar job of carrying me through for 30+ years has started to fail. With that, my purpose in life has just gone pretty much. So, now I'm just reluctantly stuck here, reluctantly doing only what I absolutely have to to get by and ensure things get no worse. But, that is becoming harder and harder.

I definitely did feel more depressed when I worked in retail. I suppose that's how I see it. Like a constant underlying condition that would keep coming back unless I 'treated' it with being creative but- seeing as that 'treatment' isn't so effective now, it's just all shit really! And it will only get more shit if I completely fail creatively.

 

[Baisley]

It has totally wrecked me..I feel awful and look awful also.. I was active before, looked good, loved to shower and take care of myself. Now I'm the complete opposite and I struggle to do any and everything. I have lost so much weight because I don't even have an appetite. Doing anything is a true struggle for me. I avoid people and everything.

 

[vadim]

It feels like it's been a slow progression that's been going on my entire life. So although it's obviously gotten extremely bad in the last few years, I can't remember a time before I was depressed. I can remember having had more motivation to do the things I enjoyed at one point, but that was pre-adolescence so I'm not sure that counts or if I'm even remembering things right (it's also extremely fucking pathetic to be like, "I peaked at the age of eleven"). Since secondary school I haven't been able to give a fuck about anything. I have superficial desires for things like success and good looks, and I hate myself for how bad I've let things get and for being such a useless waste of life, but I can't find the will to do anything about my situation.

I can't also plan for the future, it just seems absolutely pointless. Even though realistically I'm probably going to be here a long time because I'll never have the courage to go through with suicide, and therefore it would make sense to be working towards making the future slightly less shit for myself (because I'll be living in it), I don't feel like I'll be living in it. I wish I could explain to people whenever they ask why I smoke, don't I know it causes cancer, etc., that I don't care because smoking related illnesses happen later in life after decades of smoking, and I cannot see myself still here at the age of 50 or 60. I'll never be arsed to save for anything like a pension or house (not that retirement or home ownership will ever be possible for me in this country. They won't be for most of my generation).

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

My depression has been making me want to ctb for a long time now. After I said something to someone, I ended up 7 days in the psych ward. After that there was nothing left of me. I just go on the treadmill of this shitty life and wish I had ended this long ago.

 

[human909]

For me it completely shattered everything inside of me, realization of how alone i am, how stupid i am, how fucking evil i am. I just want peace.