R
Reallyreallyreally
Experienced
- Jan 13, 2020
- 205
I'm back. That was quick. My anxiety is through the roof today. I'm dropping my classes and it's only the second week of the semester. I'm fighting a virus and trying really hard not to be in the suicide headspace. I messaged my therapist yesterday that I was thoroughly not there and that I said a temporary goodbye here. I feel frozen today. Every day I don't go to the store to buy exit bag hardware. I feel like it's the only way to get out of this headspace. I also can't do it because I promised my friend I won't go anywhere while she's sick. I don't know how long she'll be sick and that promise feels distant. I just saw her yesterday but it feels like another life I don't live anymore, like the last time I saw her was years ago. I feel like suicide is logical. I don't feel anything about it. It just feels like the logical next step for a stranger on paper, a poorly written fictional character, or a children's choose your own adventure novel. I know logically I'll be glad later that I don't have the stuff. Right now I have the anxiety but I also feel like a robot. I don't feel like I exist. I've been out of work for a while on injury (physical job). If they don't send me back I think I ought to go to inpatient. It's bad in there but I think my meds need adjusting. This headspace isn't normal for me. Suicide shouldn't be a robotic act. It should be done through intention. I forgot and remembered my friend while I was writing this. I'm not right in the head today.