How do I stop feeling like a failure?

[Mixo]

I genuinely struggle with this feeling that I'm a failure. I think because of my cultural background, upbringing, and of course living in a society where you're only as good as your net worth is dragging me down. I feel like because I'm chronically ill and past my 20s, I'm indentured to a life of failure in society's eyes. I can't seem to cope with it or see myself in any other terms.

In other words, if you also do feel like a failure, how do you cope with this feeling of shame?

 

[whatevs]

Yeah, I am in a similar boat, but I am now in my 30s... This issue bothers me sometimes, but I nullified it to a extent by realizing that what society is offering nowadays doesn't appeal to me, which means that I can't feel that ashamed of not participating as a winner in the planetary asylum.

To be honest, this isn't a solution, I think I would prefer to fully feel my loserdom and see society as something dignified and attractive instead of literally a madhouse, that way I could be happy contributing with the little my illness lets me or just thinking that even though I'm a cripple at least I get to see what cool stuff society will do in terms of technology and art. But I only get to see they descend into deeper layers of insanity and denial.

Though there always objective things everyone wants by biological mandate, and you know you are loser when you lack them. It's just a fact and it's better to face it head on. All games rely on the losers to make the winner feel special.

One thing that has consoled me some is seeing that at least I achieved some of the goals my personal standards and values made desirable. However, the social animal in me ultimately feels that such a solipsistic solution is very dry and unsatisfactory.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

how do you cope with this feeling of shame?

By cycling through extreme self-loathing and acceptance.

 

[motel rooms]

This might be stupid, but looking at brutal, unsentimental photos of extremely poor or sick people, especially children, always helps me put my pain in perspective. There are also thousands upon thousands of incredibly talented individuals who led tortured lives; the music, novels, poetry & paintings they left behind console me. I don't really feel like a failure, though. It's not my fault I'm a survivor of CSA who developed C-PTSD & hypersexual disorder.

 

[noname223]

To be honest. I reassure myself that I kill myself in the future. This is probably not a helpful coping skill and I would not recommend it to anyone else. But I not only feel like a failure. I am a failure. I try to think that it is not really my responsibility. I did not screw up my life by my own. This comforts me a bit. Many of my decisions were smart. The only things what could have rescued me would have been running away from home when I was 5. But my mom even warned I am not allowed to talk with anyone about the abuse.
A teacher in primary school once asked whether our parents have hit us at least one time. I was extremely scared to tell the truth. I can remember it. It was a huge struggle. I did not open up.

I feel extremely ashamed about my life and my past. Only the imagination of death comforts me when I feel embarassed.

 

[motel rooms]

I reassure myself that I kill myself in the future. This is probably no a helpful coping skill and I would not recommend it to anyone else.

But most of us on SS do exactly what you do already

 

[OrcWitch]

Easier said than done but I guess just realizing the arbitrariness of what success means. I don't mean to go all bazinga science on you but we're pretty much hairless great apes that take poops and laugh at dumb stuff. Money is just labor tokens that let us buy food and our ape clothing and live in a home. If a more advanced species studied us they'd think our social hierarchies were so silly in the same way we laugh at orangutans that learn to drive golf carts. If you try to build anything in life it should be for your own satisfaction and not to meet a standard of what others say success means.

I'm not knocking how you feel though, I feel similarly the older I get. It's really hard to not care about social worth or the lens society views people with.

 

[Torschlusspanik]

On a personal note, I think there are so many factors to consider.

One for all, in a society that has become faster and faster in its rhythms, it often follows that even just stopping for a second leaves you far behind, with the inevitable effect that many of us, struggling with their problems, find it really tough to get back on track. In this case the guilt (at least for me) comes from not being able to keep up with those rhythms the way many of the people around me have been able to. I have no real answer on how I deal with it, other than to assume that, first and foremost, almost no one willingly seeks evil, so I probably can't be responsible for my failure to follow those dictated rhythms.

I would assume it's also beneficial to avoid too many comparisons with other people. To avoid as much as possible unrolling an imaginary tape measure and constantly using it to belittle one's individual accomplishments or the little things we take pride in.

 

[Panna]

By just trying to confront the things that bother me most. Right now im just working towards my degree, to prove to myself im not failure. its been hard studying with adhd, but the idea of going back home and just sitting there watching as my chances disappear and listening to the voice in my head telling me how much of a failure I am is just too much.

Parrotting others, it comes down to those small changes. Using your weaknesses and putting them into places that let you make them into strengths. My fear of being judged helps me to study better in places where people see me so I dont goof off for example. Taking pleasure in watching good grades flow in as a result of my hard work is satisfying. By far though, my favorite feeling is managing to pull a 7-8 hour study session, and heading home almost at midnight. Sure the days gone and everyones in bed, but god is it satisfying heading home with the knowledge I did my best.

 

[Chinaski]

I genuinely struggle with this feeling that I'm a failure. I think because of my cultural background, upbringing, and of course living in a society where you're only as good as your net worth is dragging me down. I feel like because I'm chronically ill and past my 20s, I'm indentured to a life of failure in society's eyes. I can't seem to cope with it or see myself in any other terms.

In other words, if you also do feel like a failure, how do you cope with this feeling of shame?

It depends imo on which gauge you're using to measure success and failure. If you assess yourself through the prism of success being defined as acquisition, you're viewing yourself on their terms and you've already lost. It's also an error to weigh the very best of how other people appear against the very worst of how you inwardly feel.

As a younger man l invested a lot in these superficialities, my appearance was an asset and l spent enough on clothes to keep the DWP afloat. This meant l could mask my chronic underachievement with a blagged confidence based on the fact that, on their shallow metric of superficiality, l was on an equal footing when swaggering around bars and clubs, thinking l was hot shit. This worked for a while but is ultimately fake, a papering of cracks, and as l matured l appreciated the strength of my personal qualities were of greater importance. If you hold values true to yourself and are loyal to them, the metric you assess yourself on becomes your own. I don't know you beyond your input on here but you're clearly smart, thoughtful, with sound political principle which suggests integrity. There are people out there who wrap themselves in ostentatious signs of wealth who lack all of those things, and often envy those who do. Most people with acquired success attain this through either luck or a privileged starting point, and secretly they envy those who have ability they do not have, who have appealing personalities, who are able to make others laugh. The premise that they succeeded and others failed because the "failures" lacked required personal qualities such as ambition, endeavour, motivation is a fallacy they perpetuate to mask the fact that they got lucky and to promote the notion that their wealth, and by extension all wealth and the poverty of others to boot, is deserved. Most of these people are fucking insufferable to be around and if I'm a failure for preferring the company of those with honesty, integrity, humour, intelligence and humility then l frankly don't give a shit, and imho nor should you.

 

[whatevs]

As in actual advice, learning something new and relatively hard can help, but for it to keep working you will need to increase difficulty over time, which might force underlying issues to surface. This is how I evaded that oppressive sentiment of aimlessness and failure in 2021, when I was beginning to learn to code.

 

[Mixo]

It's also an error to weigh the very best of how other people appear against the very worst of how you inwardly feel.

This reminds me of what my friend once told me: "You shouldn't compare other people's outsides to your insides." You put it way more eloquently, but I guess the takeaway is essentially the same. I just struggle not to partake in comparison, especially when it is part and parcel to socializing with others. But I could do with trying not to compare so much.

As a younger man l invested a lot in these superficialities, my appearance was an asset and l spent enough on clothes to keep the DWP afloat. This meant l could mask my chronic underachievement with a blagged confidence based on the fact that, on their shallow metric of superficiality, l was on an equal footing when swaggering around bars and clubs, thinking l was hot shit. This worked for a while but is ultimately fake, a papering of cracks, and as l matured l appreciated the strength of my personal qualities were of greater importance. If you hold values true to yourself and are loyal to them, the metric you assess yourself on becomes your own. I don't know you beyond your input on here but you're clearly smart, thoughtful, with sound political principle which suggests integrity. There are people out there who wrap themselves in ostentatious signs of wealth who lack all of those things, and often envy those who do. Most people with acquired success attain this through either luck or a privileged starting point, and secretly they envy those who have ability they do not have, who have appealing personalities, who are able to make others laugh. The premise that they succeeded and others failed because the "failures" lacked required personal qualities such as ambition, endeavour, motivation is a fallacy they perpetuate to mask the fact that they got lucky and to promote the notion that their wealth, and by extension all wealth and the poverty of others to boot, is deserved. Most of these people are fucking insufferable to be around and if I'm a failure for preferring the company of those with honesty, integrity, humour, intelligence and humility then l frankly don't give a shit, and imho nor should you.

I guess I needed a reminder of this massive headstart advantage that wealthy often have in procuring/maintaining wealth, success, and security - although I don't know how pervasive it is in reality. I guess I do have some major internalized classism going on, because I'm having more moments where I lean into the illusion that the world is some kind of meritocracy. I do try to live my wife in accordance with my values and ideals, but I find doing so yields diminishing returns as the years go on, and particularly when I see that middle age is fastly approaching. In any case, thank you for your kind words, and strong advice; you know I always appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Chinaski]

This reminds me of what my friend once told me: "You shouldn't compare other people's outsides to your insides." You put it way more eloquently, but I guess the takeaway is essentially the same. I just struggle not to partake in comparison, especially when it is part and parcel to socializing with others. But I could do with trying not to compare so much.

Tbh it sounds like your mate is saying something different - sounds more like the "they're beautiful on the outside but you're beautiful on the inside" kind of thinking when personally I've always aspired to be the other way round.

What l mean is we instinctively compare ourselves negatively, especially when we're not feeling great. We *know* our own failings and they factor in. We end up assessing the worst of what we know of ourselves against the best of what we assume in others. It's much fairer to assess your own strengths and qualities against the weakest aspects of theirs imo. If that makes sense. Probably doesn't.

 

[Torschlusspanik]

What l mean is we instinctively compare ourselves negatively, especially when we're not feeling great. We *know* our own failings and they factor in. We end up assessing the worst of what we know of ourselves against the best of what we assume in others. It's much fairer to assess your own strengths and qualities against the weakest aspects of theirs imo. If that makes sense. Probably doesn't.

Is this really "instinctive" though?
Wouldn't it be more correct to state that it is only the result of what we directly, and indirectly, learn from a very young age? Directly, through the extreme competitiveness of school, university and work environments (to name a few) and indirectly by receiving the stimuli of a society in which we are pushed to always be better than the other, to do more, to want more.
In a society where you are constantly pushed in this direction, even without wanting/noticing it, you would always compare yourself to others eventually. It almost becomes second nature, sure, but I would not call it "instinctive" in the sense of "innate impulse", perhaps more "learned behavior".

Clearly, I don't want to open a controversy over a single word choice, don't get me wrong, but it got me thinking about how the very concept of "feeling like a failure" is something that, all things considered, we learn to do.

In that respect, it's probably another interpretation that complements everything that's already been said and that I agree with. Maybe just to remind us that in the end even the feeling of failure is yet another lovely gift put as an addendum to that social contract we all unwittingly accepted without reading.

 

[Chinaski]

Is this really "instinctive" though?
Wouldn't it be more correct to state that it is only the result of what we directly, and indirectly, learn from a very young age? Directly, through the extreme competitiveness of school, university and work environments (to name a few) and indirectly by receiving the stimuli of a society in which we are pushed to always be better than the other, to do more, to want more.
In a society where you are constantly pushed in this direction, even without wanting/noticing it, you would always compare yourself to others eventually. It almost becomes second nature, sure, but I would not call it "instinctive" in the sense of "innate impulse", perhaps more "learned behavior".

Clearly, I don't want to open a controversy over a single word choice, don't get me wrong, but it got me thinking about how the very concept of "feeling like a failure" is something that, all things considered, we learn to do.

In that respect, it's probably another interpretation that complements everything that's already been said and that I agree with. Maybe just to remind us that in the end even the feeling of failure is yet another lovely gift put as an addendum to that social contract we all unwittingly accepted without reading.

Yeah that's fine, ignore me I'm talking shit, often happens, dw

 

[Torschlusspanik]

Yeah that's fine, ignore me I'm talking shit, often happens, dw

I'm sorry, I absolutely did not mean to imply that you were talking shit. English is not my native language and maybe I phrased it wrong, but I actually agree with everything you wrote. It was just the word "instinctive" that brought this to mind and I wanted to share it, nothing to do with the value or not of your statements. I apologize again if you were offended in any way.

 

[Chinaski]

I'm sorry, I absolutely did not mean to imply that what you were talking shit. English is not my native language and maybe I phrased it wrong, but I actually agree with everything you wrote. It was just the word "instinctive" that brought this to mind and I wanted to share it, nothing to do with the value or not of your statements. I apologize again if you were offended in any way.

Is fine, tbh everything I've said in this thread, and others besides, is just total fucking bollocks, meaningless flurries of gibbering crap, walls of facile text vomited up with absolutely zero value or purpose, and your written English is very good so don't ever let me hear you apologise for it again

 

[Mixo]

As in actual advice, learning something new and relatively hard can help, but for it to keep working you will need to increase difficulty over time, which might force underlying issues to surface.

What do you mean by "forcing underlying issues"?

 

[whatevs]

What do you mean by "forcing underlying issues"?

As you learn a new profession or go hard on a hobby, the problems that made you feel like/become a loser will rear their ugly face.

 

[Foresight]

I can't speak on society, I've been kicked out, but for my own sense of well-being I just assess it on whether I did the best that I could. That's my daily mantra I try to uphold, I did the best I could. Then I can sleep fine knowing I did all that I personally could do for the day. None of these other people have to walk in my shoes, deal with my thoughts, deal with my body, been through my past etc so why should I care where they're at. Sometimes you just have to keep your head down and do your own thing with all you got. That's especially true when you're dealing with chronic illness. I've gone through eras of my life where getting a shower in was my only accomplishment. You know what, I did all I could on those day. There's no reason for me to be harsh on myself

I think people need to reverse that golden rule sometimes. I know you wouldn't place such harsh judgments on me. Treat yourself how you treat others. You have to be a friend to you. Tune everyone else out, keep focus on what you can do and what you want to try to aim for from here.

 

[Mixo]

I can't speak on society, I've been kicked out, but for my own sense of well-being I just assess it on whether I did the best that I could. That's my daily mantra I try to uphold, I did the best I could. Then I can sleep fine knowing I did all that I personally could do for the day. None of these other people have to walk in my shoes, deal with my thoughts, deal with my body, been through my past etc so why should I care where they're at. Sometimes you just have to keep your head down and do your own thing with all you got. That's especially true when you're dealing with chronic illness. I've gone through eras of my life where getting a shower in was my only accomplishment. You know what, I did all I could on those day. There's no reason for me to be harsh on myself

I think people need to reverse that golden rule sometimes. I know you wouldn't place such harsh judgments on me. Treat yourself how you treat others. You have to be a friend to you. Tune everyone else out, keep focus on what you can do and what you want to try to aim for from here.

This insight and reminder helps. Thanks for seeing the nuance of this, especially the effect of chronic illness. Once upon a time I used to be ambitious, hardworking person; sucks not being able to be that person anymore.

 

[Foresight]

I completely understand. I've been there for a long time. I think we have to be honest about our sadness over these setbacks. Chronic illness will humble anyone though. Those people you think are doing better would be humbled by it too. The fact that you're being honest and saying hey, this sucks and I'm sad about it is part of the process of coming to terms with it. I do think there is light at the end of that tunnel. I've been through years of letting go and grieving, and I still have work to do.

No wonder you know the best supplements to try. I've gone through all kinds of regimens. I've found myself on a good cocktail lately but I took notes on some of your recommendations. I have brain fog and energy in good standing but I need to try some of your suggestions for anxiety.

 

[Looooser]

Seems like every decision I make is wrong and that makes me a failure.

 

[whywere]

You are NEVER EVER a loser EVER. You are young and trying to spread your wings and that is fantastic!! Being 65, reference point for this post, I have through the decades had so many ups, downs and everything in between that if I think about it I cannot believe that I made it. BUT oh, Ya I found my way and so will you.

You are a intelligent, kind, loving and vibrant soul with so much to not only give yourself but the entire world, that will find your niche and away you go.

I 100% believe in you and as sure as I always wear my heart on my sleeve, you will do awesome.

What I say I firmly heart to heart believe in and I know you are at the cusp of doing great for you and humanity.

Sending you lots of hugs, encouragement and the knowledge that you are spreading your wings to soar!!

Walter

 

[inanimate]

I hate h

. But my mom even warned I am not allowed to talk with anyone about the abuse.
A teacher in primary school once asked whether our parents have hit us at least one time. I was extremely scared to tell the truth. I can remember it. It was a huge struggle. I did not open up.

I feel extremely ashamed about my life and my past. Only the imagination of death comforts me when I feel embarassed.

I wasn't allowed to talk about what went on in my house either. I even felt guilty about wanting help, for someone to intervene.
I do the same thing. Imagining it is comforting…except when it's not.