Help How do I talk to my therapist about wanting to die?

[SeafoamSkeleton]

I feel like if I can make myself open up about this then maybe my therapist could actually help me. I can't bear the thought of hurting anyone, so I have to figure out how to stay alive.

For the last two months I've been trying to talk to my therapist about suicide stuff, but the words just won't come out of my mouth. They have already told me that unless I say I have immediate intent they won't make me go to the hospital. I am terrified of getting locked up, but it doesn't feel like that fear is the full reason I can't talk. I can't figures it out. Maybe it's something more like I don't want to damage them, because people always act like I've hurt them when I say I feel like I want to die. Or something else? I haven't a clue.

How have you figured out how to talk about this kind of thing? Any tips or tricks?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I feel like this isn't necessarily something that can be rushed. It's something you have to take at your own pace. I would imagine with how close you've gotten to talking about it, that likely already knew and are waiting for you to make that sort of breakthrough of talking about it on your own.

I hope you can eventually speak about it with your therapist. I don't think they'll lock you up, it's not like their goal is to do that, ofc. I have talked about it with my previous therapist before I lost insurance and now can no longer go. They never tried to lock me up or anything, they just verified that I had no immediate intent or plan, nor was is danger to anyone else. That's all they'll really be on alert about.

Edit: I also want to say that this is solely my experience and this can differ based on location.

 

[terrafern]

As far as I understand it you won't be involuntarily committed unless you're at imminent risk of harming yourself or others.

Maybe you could tell your therapist that you've been struggling to open up? Saying that is a form of opening up, and having one foot in the door already should make it easier to share what you feel like needs to be shared. Personally - when I opened up to my therapist - I sent an email a day or two before our session both so I had time to sort through my thoughts beforehand, but also because that way there really wasn't any conceivable way to back out. If that's not an option perhaps you could bring a note with you and either read it aloud or let them read it, that way you won't have to worry about not being able to find the right words.

 

[SeafoamSkeleton]

I feel like this isn't necessarily something that can be rushed. It's something you have to take at your own pace. I would imagine with how close you've gotten to talking about it, that likely already knew and are waiting for you to make that sort of breakthrough of talking about it on your own.

I hope you can eventually speak about it with your therapist. I don't think they'll lock you up, it's not like their goal is to do that, ofc. I have talked about it with my previous therapist before I lost insurance and now can no longer go. They never tried to lock me up or anything, they just verified that I had no immediate intent or plan, nor was is danger to anyone else. That's all they'll really be on alert about.

Edit: I also want to say that this is solely my experience and this can differ based on location.

I'm sorry you lost your insurance <3.

They have been with my therapist for about a year now and I'm sure they have guessed what I'm avoiding. My mouth just won't say any of the words and I can't figure it out. I hope it's just a pace thing and I'm not stuck like this... I'm feeling very impatient.

As far as I understand it you won't be involuntarily committed unless you're at imminent risk of harming yourself or others.

Maybe you could tell your therapist that you've been struggling to open up? Saying that is a form of opening up, and having one foot in the door already should make it easier to share what you feel like needs to be shared. Personally - when I opened up to my therapist - I sent an email a day or two before our session both so I had time to sort through my thoughts beforehand, but also because that way there really wasn't any conceivable way to back out. If that's not an option perhaps you could bring a note with you and either read it aloud or let them read it, that way you won't have to worry about not being able to find the right words.

I spent a big chunk of last session talking about how I can't talk about what I want to talk about. I have had things written out to email or read for a while. They get caught in the block too. I even chatted with a hotline last week to try to practice, but that didn't help either. I'm trying a mental health support group to practice face to face tomorrow. I really don't understand why I'm so stuck.

 

[endlessmelancholy]

Maybe write what you are feeling on a paper and show it to them. I'm sure they would have handled many suicidal people. Many people think of ending it at sometime. It's not that big of a deal

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm sorry you lost your insurance <3.

They have been with my therapist for about a year now and I'm sure they have guessed what I'm avoiding. My mouth just won't say any of the words and I can't figure it out. I hope it's just a pace thing and I'm not stuck like this... I'm feeling very impatient.

I spent a big chunk of last session talking about how I can't talk about what I want to talk about. I have had things written out to email or read for a while. They get caught in the block too. I even chatted with a hotline last week to try to practice, but that didn't help either. I'm trying a mental health support group to practice face to face tomorrow. I really don't understand why I'm so stuck.

I feel that, I also struggle a lot with saying certain stuff, to the point that most of them I still haven't really said to anyone. Guilt and not hurting others is probably a big cause you are right. It's like a weird damn closes somewhere in the path between the brain and the mouth right there and then, but don't beat yourself over it afterwards.

First of all just hearing all you are doing and trying to overcome this, the effort you are putting in all that, it's a sign you are giving it your all and that you will overcome. No doubt. Can't say what's stopping you, wish I could know, but one thing is for certain it's that once you do manage to open yourself a bit more about it, it will probably only get easier from then.
So for now and for the roughest start all my luck and strenght to you, I know you will manage to <3

 

[SeafoamSkeleton]

Maybe write what you are feeling on a paper and show it to them. I'm sure they would have handled many suicidal people. Many people think of ending it at sometime. It's not that big of a deal

I definitely need to remind myself of that. I made the mistake of reading the therapists sub on reddit and a bunch of them were complaining about how stressful it is to worry about suicidal patients. I end up thinking my therapist definitely wouldn't have taken me on as a patient if they had known. But that doesn't even make sense because they prefer to work with a population that has a high suicide attempt rate.

I feel that, I also struggle a lot with saying certain stuff, to the point that most of them I still haven't really said to anyone. Guilt and not hurting others is probably a big cause you are right. It's like a weird damn closes somewhere in the path between the brain and the mouth right there and then, but don't beat yourself over it afterwards.

First of all just hearing all you are doing and trying to overcome this, the effort you are putting in all that, it's a sign you are giving it your all and that you will overcome. No doubt. Can't say what's stopping you, wish I could know, but one thing is for certain it's that once you do manage to open yourself a bit more about it, it will probably only get easier from then.
So for now and for the roughest start all my luck and strenght to you, I know you will manage to <3

I'm glad I'm not the only one, but am also sorry that you struggle with this too. Thank you so much for your kind words. <3

I've kept most of it to myself for many years, so it's probably partially the momentum of habit, too. This would be the first time I've said many of these things aloud. I just find myself hating whatever part of myself is building the dam, but I'll try to remember to be kinder to myself.

 

[Radiate_Ruby]

the therapists sub on reddit

What's the r/?

It's been 6 months since I started on therapy, and my therapist knows that I'm suicidal. Mind you, I've never said the word "suicide" or "suicidal" because I can't get myself to say it aloud. I shared that I'm suicidal by saying things like "I think of being dead", "I think of death often" and that's enough for them to know what you're saying. You can think of different ways of saying it "without" saying it​

 

[SeafoamSkeleton]

What's the r/?

It's been 6 months since I started on therapy, and my therapist knows that I'm suicidal. Mind you, I've never said the word "suicide" or "suicidal" because I can't get myself to say it aloud. I shared that I'm suicidal by saying things like "I think of being dead", "I think of death often" and that's enough for them to know what you're saying. You can think of different ways of saying it "without" saying it​

I think it was r/therapists or r/socialwork.

The closest I've got is talking about fighting myself like Tyler Durden and the narrator :p. And I go on and on about feeling trapped and hopeless, so they have to know. It's just so frustrating to not be able to say what I want to and have to trick my brain by dreaming up crazy metaphors.

 

[flowersofthesoul]

Hey! Even though I have built a strong rapport with my therapist, I still have issues talking about SI. For me, there is a strong sense of embarrassment and shame that comes from it. Maybe that could be contributing to your hesitation. Another user mentioned writing it down on paper. That's a great way to figure out your words. I once read my suicide note to my therapist (wrote it during a bad episode that had passed by the time of the session) and she helped me understand my own thought processes and we worked on coping skills.

But yeah, these are trained professionals who SHOULD be good at handling suicidal patients. You will not be the first or the last to disclose that information. Also don't be so hard on yourself if you can't get everything out at once.

 

[Britney Spears]

Never talk about dying with them or your family. Otherwise, they'll lock us up and torture us where we know where. I learned that lesson a short time ago

 

[SeafoamSkeleton]

Hey! Even though I have built a strong rapport with my therapist, I still have issues talking about SI. For me, there is a strong sense of embarrassment and shame that comes from it. Maybe that could be contributing to your hesitation. Another user mentioned writing it down on paper. That's a great way to figure out your words. I once read my suicide note to my therapist (wrote it during a bad episode that had passed by the time of the session) and she helped me understand my own thought processes and we worked on coping skills.

But yeah, these are trained professionals who SHOULD be good at handling suicidal patients. You will not be the first or the last to disclose that information. Also don't be so hard on yourself if you can't get everything out at once.

It is a possibility. I am not very good at noticing shame in myself. I can't even imagine sharing a suicide note with my therapist (you are so brave!), even ones from 10+ years ago (yes, I still have them. heh). I have so many journal entries and lists of things to try to say and sometimes in session I just stare at them in silence. Maybe I'm just not built to open up and therapy will never work for me...

Never talk about dying with them or your family. Otherwise, they'll lock us up and torture us where we know where. I learned that lesson a short time ago

I was locked up for a bit over 20 years ago and I definitely feel a lot of fear because of that. The three closest people in my life were also locked up as teens, one of them for years. They all think I'm some combination of brave/crazy right now for attempting professional help at all.

But at this point I am willing to try anything short of ECT to not feel like this anymore. I'm so sick of it, and I'd really rather just die, but I don't feel like that's an option right now because of my obligations. I also just kind of don't care anymore. Taking the risk of being locked up and tortured feeds into my self destruction.

 

[adoptedpain]

I feel like if I can make myself open up about this then maybe my therapist could actually help me. I can't bear the thought of hurting anyone, so I have to figure out how to stay alive.

For the last two months I've been trying to talk to my therapist about suicide stuff, but the words just won't come out of my mouth. They have already told me that unless I say I have immediate intent they won't make me go to the hospital. I am terrified of getting locked up, but it doesn't feel like that fear is the full reason I can't talk. I can't figures it out. Maybe it's something more like I don't want to damage them, because people always act like I've hurt them when I say I feel like I want to die. Or something else? I haven't a clue.

How have you figured out how to talk about this kind of thing? Any tips or tricks?

There's a Columbia Suicide Scale that a clinician follows by asking specific questions - passive ideation.. active ideation.. do you have a plan.. the protocol based on agency or individual provider varies as its such a sensitive topic, however if there's a plan a provider is responsible for involuntary commitment to psychiatric help at the hospital which can add insult to injury bc the experience is not positive by any stretch of the means. Also, disclaimer - take this with a grain of salt as I have only worked with all these professionals/hospitals/etc and proceed at your own pace as you see fit. A safety plan comes into effect.. the dynamic may shift or a specialist may be suggested… many turns it could take but any information is better than none

 

[SeafoamSkeleton]

There's a Columbia Suicide Scale that a clinician follows by asking specific questions - passive ideation.. active ideation.. do you have a plan.. the protocol based on agency or individual provider varies as its such a sensitive topic, however if there's a plan a provider is responsible for involuntary commitment to psychiatric help at the hospital which can add insult to injury bc the experience is not positive by any stretch of the means. Also, disclaimer - take this with a grain of salt as I have only worked with all these professionals/hospitals/etc and proceed at your own pace as you see fit. A safety plan comes into effect.. the dynamic may shift or a specialist may be suggested… many turns it could take but any information is better than none

Thank you for the info! I think they verbally did one of those when I asked about what would make them send me to the hospital. I don't fully remember because I dissociated a little out of fear. I think I passed since I didn't get sent away.

My previous therapist made me do a safty plan when the only thing I said was feeling numb makes me feel scared. I told her we would never speak of the subject again and we didn't.