Help How do I tell my mom about my depression and attempts?

[sillyboy98]

This weekend I tried to take my own life for the, give or take, 5th time. I sent some sweet messages to some people dear to me. And one of them reached out to the emergency services, That ended me up in hospital (for the first time) and saved my life, before I could even start my main protocol (see this thread for some background information).

The stress and mental anguish I put on this saviour person has honestly fucked me up. I don't want to hurt her anymore. No one from my real life knows how I feel. And I can't put this kinda stress on someone ever again, if I go I want it to be peaceful for me and others. Plus everywhere I look having a support system seems to be the basis of starting proper recovery.

So I've decided I want to open up about my struggles to some more people. I've been in therapy for a while, but even then I've had trouble opening up. So taking the next step and talking to actual real life people is, simply put, a challenge. So that's what I'm here askking about.

Specifically, I want to start by telling my mom. But I have no clue how to, so I'm looking for guidance from you all. Let me sum up some questions I'm pondering:
1. Where do I even start? My hospitalization seems like a good starting point, considering it just happened and it's basically the low point. Or should I build up from an easier point?
2. How does one ease into such a topic? Part of me wants to send a text message so I can pick my words carefully. But it also feels like an in-person conversation. Maybe I should sent my mom a message saying I have some bad news/feeling bad and want to come over to talk about it?
3. How do I make clear I in no way blame my mom? And that I don't want her to worry about me too too much going forward?
4. Would it be good to make clear arrangements on how we should talk about this in the future?
5. I have been feeling bad for a long time, should I be honest about that - basically tell the whole story - or just bits and pieces?
6. I also want to extend this message to the rest of the family (on my mom's side), would it be too much to ask for her to do that for me? Should I ask her to come with me to talk to other members of the family when I break the news?

These are the main questions I'm worrying about right now, any answer to any question would be welcome. But so would any other ideas or feedback! Or experiences how it went. I should add I'm also planning to drop in a 'oh btw I'm not straight' anywhere in there.

TL;DR: How do I start telling my mom I'm a mentally ill mess?

 

[Trismegistus_13]

The main thing i would worry about is how she would take this news and your own resources. Do you rely on her for housing and/or money, and would she possibly kick you out/disown you for that? If the answer to both of those is yes, be very delicate what you tell her.

To talk to your mom about this, you could look up how doctors break bad news to patients. It may help you. A short synopsis of it is, ask if your mother what she thinks about the state of your mental health, say you have some news that's difficult to discuss, and then tell her you're really feeling bad/suicidal/whatever you feel comfortable with, and wait for her to respond. She may want to lead the conversation from there, and that's less stress on you for finding the right words.

For #4, absolutely come up with a communication plan and a safety plan in the event you start feeling suicidal again.

#6 I have no clue on. I think it really depends on what your mother is willing to do. I think it's fine to ask; she can always suggest you tell others yourself if she's not comfortable doing it.

Lastly, i would recommend not adding you coming out to the initial conversation. Even though there is nothing wrong with being bi/gay/anything else, a suicide attempt + coming out at the same time would be a lot for any parent. If you attempted specifically due to your sexuality, I think you could add it in there, but if not, maybe save that for a follow-up conversation.

Phew, sorry thats so long. I wrote so much because I really want this to go well for you. I'm so proud of you for wanting to share your feelings with your parents. I really, really hope everything goes great!

 

[alltoomuch2]

Personally I'd see if she'd meet you somewhere private where you can walk together then introduce things slowly and step by step. Does she know anything about your struggles? If not I'd start by saying you've had some problems with depression and talk about how it affects your daily living (sleep, appetite, etc). Nothing about suicide etc. Ask if you can meet up regularly to talk. Work up slowly to letting her know how bad things really are may take a few sessions. But done that way you can guage how she's reacting and she has time to absorb and process what you're telling her. But be honest with her and if she asks if you've felt suicidal, be truthful but don't enlarge upon it (unless she asks more) until you think she has more understanding of where you're at. To suddenly be told out of the blue that your child tried to take their own life would be very shocking for her. I would be giving different advice if you were without friends or support though.

 

[sillyboy98]

The main thing i would worry about is how she would take this news and your own resources. Do you rely on her for housing and/or money, and would she possibly kick you out/disown you for that? If the answer to both of those is yes, be very delicate what you tell her.

To talk to your mom about this, you could look up how doctors break bad news to patients. It may help you. A short synopsis of it is, ask if your mother what she thinks about the state of your mental health, say you have some news that's difficult to discuss, and then tell her you're really feeling bad/suicidal/whatever you feel comfortable with, and wait for her to respond. She may want to lead the conversation from there, and that's less stress on you for finding the right words.

For #4, absolutely come up with a communication plan and a safety plan in the event you start feeling suicidal again.

#6 I have no clue on. I think it really depends on what your mother is willing to do. I think it's fine to ask; she can always suggest you tell others yourself if she's not comfortable doing it.

Lastly, i would recommend not adding you coming out to the initial conversation. Even though there is nothing wrong with being bi/gay/anything else, a suicide attempt + coming out at the same time would be a lot for any parent. If you attempted specifically due to your sexuality, I think you could add it in there, but if not, maybe save that for a follow-up conversation.

Phew, sorry thats so long. I wrote so much because I really want this to go well for you. I'm so proud of you for wanting to share your feelings with your parents. I really, really hope everything goes great!

Thank you for your reply! It's very helpful. I'm in a lucky position where I don't need her door financial support, so I've got that going for me at least

Especially helpful is the way you suggested letting her partly lead the conversation, that might take a lot of pressure off. She's a healthcare professional as well so that's a very sound tactic.

The coming out part is one of those things I just want to 'btw' into the convo, since that's been another thing I've been wanting to tell her for ages. So might as well some clean all the way anyway right? :3

Personally I'd see if she'd meet you somewhere private where you can walk together then introduce things slowly and step by step. Does she know anything about your struggles? If not I'd start by saying you've had some problems with depression and talk about how it affects your daily living (sleep, appetite, etc). Nothing about suicide etc. Ask if you can meet up regularly to talk. Work up slowly to letting her know how bad things really are may take a few sessions. But done that way you can guage how she's reacting and she has time to absorb and process what you're telling her. But be honest with her and if she asks if you've felt suicidal, be truthful but don't enlarge upon it (unless she asks more) until you think she has more understanding of where you're at. To suddenly be told out of the blue that your child tried to take their own life would be very shocking for her. I would be giving different advice if you were without friends or support though.

Thanks for writing to me! To start where you left off: I have basically no support system whatsoever, that's why I was planning to go full out. I think I will try to ease into things a bit though and see where the conversation leads!

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you for your reply! It's very helpful. I'm in a lucky position where I don't need her door financial support, so I've got that going for me at least

Especially helpful is the way you suggested letting her partly lead the conversation, that might take a lot of pressure off. She's a healthcare professional as well so that's a very sound tactic.

The coming out part is one of those things I just want to 'btw' into the convo, since that's been another thing I've been wanting to tell her for ages. So might as well some clean all the way anyway right? :3

Thanks for writing to me! To start where you left off: I have basically no support system whatsoever, that's why I was planning to go full out. I think I will try to ease into things a bit though and see where the conversation leads!

That sounds like a really good approach. I think going straight into "I made an attempt serious enough to be hospitalised" would make her panic and not be able to think clearly. Easing into it and seeing where the conversation leads is really good. When it's finally all out in the open you can tell her who you don't mind her sharing with, so she can get support herself, but not tell everyone she knows. I'll be thinking of you and hope it goes well. x