Overthinking is one reason why I am still alive.
2018 I stood at the 7th floor of the balcony the ground was cement. I was not close to jumping. But thinking back at it I thought it was better not to jump the risk of surviving is too high. Today I asked chatGPT how likely my death would have been and it replied 90%. Tbh I think one should not trust a fucking AI on such important matters. I read a smaller percentage on wikipedia I think.
I think jumping is no method for me anymore. I think the SI is insane and it is a public suicide and I don't want that.
SN is my method of choice. I don't care how it tastes or that it is poison or the potential discomfort. The likelihood to end up as a vegetable is not as high as in other methods and that is very important for me. So the choice of the method plays a role.
My suicidality became more concrete in the last months. And I realized some things.
I am extremely scared my mom gets a stroke when I die or attempt. But this scenario will remain as long as she lives. It even gets more likely when she is older. Maybe I should wait till the retires. But would the difference be that big?
The scenario of ending up as a vegetable will always be there. If this is my main criterion I will die a natural death. This would mean 50 more years of this living nightmare. I simply cannot and don't want to stomach all of this meaningless suffering.
My new criterion is rather my determination/likelihood whether I can actually go through with it. The last time in October I said goodbye to my friends before I wanted to take the SN. I actually did not think they would call the police because they promised me that. But a part of me wanted that they stop me. I sabotaged myself. I am glad the police came before I took the SN. It helped to hide the whole thing in front of my mom.
I am not sure whether I am more determined when I am in even more pain. More pain less SI seems logical. However, if there is too much pain the planning and hiding could get more difficult for me. It is a difficult calculation. There are many unknown variables. I was also unsure whether I might get scared when almost attempting and I might experience epiphany which turns me pro-life. But it did not happen and I just got more desenstized of death.
I don't want a failed attempt. I cannot risk that. The aftermath if I survive could be catastrophic. The potential damage to me is one thing but the potential damage for my social life and how it affects the health of my family. I want to die if I do it. And not witnessing this shit show unfold.
I still cannot believe my dad told me: "Yes you always talked about suicide but I would have never actually considered you would actually try it." lmfao dad. And you wonder why I don't want to talk with you about my issues?
2018 I stood at the 7th floor of the balcony the ground was cement. I was not close to jumping. But thinking back at it I thought it was better not to jump the risk of surviving is too high. Today I asked chatGPT how likely my death would have been and it replied 90%. Tbh I think one should not trust a fucking AI on such important matters. I read a smaller percentage on wikipedia I think.
I think jumping is no method for me anymore. I think the SI is insane and it is a public suicide and I don't want that.
SN is my method of choice. I don't care how it tastes or that it is poison or the potential discomfort. The likelihood to end up as a vegetable is not as high as in other methods and that is very important for me. So the choice of the method plays a role.
My suicidality became more concrete in the last months. And I realized some things.
I am extremely scared my mom gets a stroke when I die or attempt. But this scenario will remain as long as she lives. It even gets more likely when she is older. Maybe I should wait till the retires. But would the difference be that big?
The scenario of ending up as a vegetable will always be there. If this is my main criterion I will die a natural death. This would mean 50 more years of this living nightmare. I simply cannot and don't want to stomach all of this meaningless suffering.
My new criterion is rather my determination/likelihood whether I can actually go through with it. The last time in October I said goodbye to my friends before I wanted to take the SN. I actually did not think they would call the police because they promised me that. But a part of me wanted that they stop me. I sabotaged myself. I am glad the police came before I took the SN. It helped to hide the whole thing in front of my mom.
I am not sure whether I am more determined when I am in even more pain. More pain less SI seems logical. However, if there is too much pain the planning and hiding could get more difficult for me. It is a difficult calculation. There are many unknown variables. I was also unsure whether I might get scared when almost attempting and I might experience epiphany which turns me pro-life. But it did not happen and I just got more desenstized of death.
I don't want a failed attempt. I cannot risk that. The aftermath if I survive could be catastrophic. The potential damage to me is one thing but the potential damage for my social life and how it affects the health of my family. I want to die if I do it. And not witnessing this shit show unfold.
I still cannot believe my dad told me: "Yes you always talked about suicide but I would have never actually considered you would actually try it." lmfao dad. And you wonder why I don't want to talk with you about my issues?
