I am in this self-help group. And now it happens a second time I have a crush on someone. It is another love delusion I am pretty sure about that. It always the same. I project my deepest hopes and desires into one person. Someone who save me from suicide and poverty. Bitch that will never happen. I noticed this woman in my self-help group might like me. She looked sad when I said I might leave the group. She laughed about my jokes I dropped. Of course I cannot read thoughts. My wish was she is interested in me as a partner. However, the way more realistic answer is she tried as good as possible to avoid that I develop such thoughts. We never talked to each other privately. She looks good.
I think I might should stop visiting this self-help group. First, I was ambiguous about the group whether it actually helps. I am more and more convinced it does more damage than helping me. These love delusions are gut-wrenching. Really they are so extremely cruel and painful. Moreover, not seldomly we talk in this group about love and partnerships. And that's also gut-wrenching for me. Last time we talked about ex-partners and it was very hard for me not to start crying.
I opened up about suicide in that group and they handled it well. But I stopped talking about it because I had the feeling it was burdensome for the others.
I am not sure why I am actually still visiting this group. One of my main motivations secretly was to find a partner. I realize that is very unrealistic. The others in the group know how needy I am. They know about the love delusions. They know about my suicidality. I think all of them know I am big red flag someone who should be avoided as a partner as good as possible. Thefollowing thought haunts me: Maybe that girl actually likes me but considers me a big bad red flag which I can sort of understand. But also this thought might be overthinking. I think she is pretty lonely and barely has social contacts. Maybe she just likes me as a friend and will miss me when I leave because of that.
I have 3 books and true mutual love are on my bucket list. True mutual love is way more important for me. But it is very unlikely I am able to achieve that. I have the naive hope a partnership could save me from committing suicide. I don't know how it feels like. I think it is something my soul is craving for. However, after all my completely hopeless attempts to come closer to this goal I more and more lose all hope. If I cannot find a girlfriend I marry death instead. Last time in the self-help group where I almost cried only my thoughts about Sanctioned Suicide could comfort me so that I did not start crying. I am on two dating apps. And I am texting with a woman I am not attracted to. I consider to kill myself in October. How ethical is it trying to find a partner knowing that? At the same time I have the feeling a partner could save me from ctb or at least postpone it for some years. It would be a self-fulfilling prophecy to give up my attempts to find someone.
The last weeks always when I went to this self-help group I was crying afterwards or on the edge of it. These people have so vanilla problems compared to me. They talk about love, plans for the future I have none of that. I have way better friends than most people on this planet and I am aware of that. But I have too much dignitiy to beg them for money when hardship hits. They also don't have that much money. Also going to this group reminds me of college and I prefer to kill myself over going back to college. My self-loathing demands of me to continue studying just for the sake of the degree. I will never be able to work anyway but at least I had a degree in my pocket. My rational me says this hellhole torture is simply not worth it. Anything but that. I think it would be way more rational to kill myself than to continue this insane torture. I am way way too ill for part time (!) college. I have SN stored under my bed. If my mom dies I am out of here immediately.
So what remains after this thread. My naive paranoid me which still hopes that woman actually likes me and wants to save me. But the sooner I let this thought go the less pain will it cause. When I confronted myself with the more realist perspective it already hurt like hell. So what to do with the self-help group? I think the last 7 weeks I never talked about my suicidality. In my mind it says be careful not to scare that woman who potentially likes me. However, I was so fucking explicit that it already is way beyond that point. This is also a problem in the group. Always when I am somewhat honest people will see me as a red flag. I had to lie all the time which would make the self-help group even more unnecessary than it already is.
Maybe it is time to say goodbye to this self-help group. In general talking to women in real life always backfires for me. (I become paranoid) I am seemingly better in texting with them in dating apps (With the help of my friends). But seemingly I am not attractive enough to get good matches which also hurts me.
I could go full nuclear in this group after I made sure that women does not like me. I could tell them the truth that I cry after every single session. I think the organisatior thinks the group would stop me from suicide. LMFAO. No bro it fuels it. All these love delusions fuel it like hell. After the last love delusion I ordered SN. The woman noticed I had a love delusion of her. For her it was no a big deal. It felt for me like extreme humiliation and made me acute suicidal. It felt like the one thousand narcisisstic injury I ever had to stomach. And I simply cannot handle it anymore. I could go full nuclear and talk about the suicide forum I am regularly visiting and how much better it is for my mental health than this fucking self-help group. Not sure whether this would be a smart move.
Fuck my life.
I think I might should stop visiting this self-help group. First, I was ambiguous about the group whether it actually helps. I am more and more convinced it does more damage than helping me. These love delusions are gut-wrenching. Really they are so extremely cruel and painful. Moreover, not seldomly we talk in this group about love and partnerships. And that's also gut-wrenching for me. Last time we talked about ex-partners and it was very hard for me not to start crying.
I opened up about suicide in that group and they handled it well. But I stopped talking about it because I had the feeling it was burdensome for the others.
I am not sure why I am actually still visiting this group. One of my main motivations secretly was to find a partner. I realize that is very unrealistic. The others in the group know how needy I am. They know about the love delusions. They know about my suicidality. I think all of them know I am big red flag someone who should be avoided as a partner as good as possible. Thefollowing thought haunts me: Maybe that girl actually likes me but considers me a big bad red flag which I can sort of understand. But also this thought might be overthinking. I think she is pretty lonely and barely has social contacts. Maybe she just likes me as a friend and will miss me when I leave because of that.
I have 3 books and true mutual love are on my bucket list. True mutual love is way more important for me. But it is very unlikely I am able to achieve that. I have the naive hope a partnership could save me from committing suicide. I don't know how it feels like. I think it is something my soul is craving for. However, after all my completely hopeless attempts to come closer to this goal I more and more lose all hope. If I cannot find a girlfriend I marry death instead. Last time in the self-help group where I almost cried only my thoughts about Sanctioned Suicide could comfort me so that I did not start crying. I am on two dating apps. And I am texting with a woman I am not attracted to. I consider to kill myself in October. How ethical is it trying to find a partner knowing that? At the same time I have the feeling a partner could save me from ctb or at least postpone it for some years. It would be a self-fulfilling prophecy to give up my attempts to find someone.
The last weeks always when I went to this self-help group I was crying afterwards or on the edge of it. These people have so vanilla problems compared to me. They talk about love, plans for the future I have none of that. I have way better friends than most people on this planet and I am aware of that. But I have too much dignitiy to beg them for money when hardship hits. They also don't have that much money. Also going to this group reminds me of college and I prefer to kill myself over going back to college. My self-loathing demands of me to continue studying just for the sake of the degree. I will never be able to work anyway but at least I had a degree in my pocket. My rational me says this hellhole torture is simply not worth it. Anything but that. I think it would be way more rational to kill myself than to continue this insane torture. I am way way too ill for part time (!) college. I have SN stored under my bed. If my mom dies I am out of here immediately.
So what remains after this thread. My naive paranoid me which still hopes that woman actually likes me and wants to save me. But the sooner I let this thought go the less pain will it cause. When I confronted myself with the more realist perspective it already hurt like hell. So what to do with the self-help group? I think the last 7 weeks I never talked about my suicidality. In my mind it says be careful not to scare that woman who potentially likes me. However, I was so fucking explicit that it already is way beyond that point. This is also a problem in the group. Always when I am somewhat honest people will see me as a red flag. I had to lie all the time which would make the self-help group even more unnecessary than it already is.
Maybe it is time to say goodbye to this self-help group. In general talking to women in real life always backfires for me. (I become paranoid) I am seemingly better in texting with them in dating apps (With the help of my friends). But seemingly I am not attractive enough to get good matches which also hurts me.
I could go full nuclear in this group after I made sure that women does not like me. I could tell them the truth that I cry after every single session. I think the organisatior thinks the group would stop me from suicide. LMFAO. No bro it fuels it. All these love delusions fuel it like hell. After the last love delusion I ordered SN. The woman noticed I had a love delusion of her. For her it was no a big deal. It felt for me like extreme humiliation and made me acute suicidal. It felt like the one thousand narcisisstic injury I ever had to stomach. And I simply cannot handle it anymore. I could go full nuclear and talk about the suicide forum I am regularly visiting and how much better it is for my mental health than this fucking self-help group. Not sure whether this would be a smart move.
Fuck my life.
Most of the time, they'd be married to some gorgeous woman. I'd have to berate myself for being so ridiculous... again. Still, I suppose we never know. It might happen that way but it just as likely may not. You could just as well meet someone at a bus stop.
