A couple of days ago, I failed at charcoal burning once again because I had police and fire called on me because my Chimney starter produced to much smoke. I was going to use my outdoor balcony closet to commit suicide as my garage I learned is way to big. I had to throw my chimney starter across the fence on to street when I noticed police and fire came. It still had coals in it burning, and had just started to produce carbon monoxide. Now that has failed, I am going to do this with proper planning.
I've been researching the tent method, and since i have access to a car, I am going to drive to a camp site, pay to go into a camp site where barbque and grilling is normal and buy a tent. properly follow all the instructions this time, make sure no one else gets hurt and so on. I am a little lost on what do do with the chimney starter. Should I buy another cheap portable grill around 45 dollars or so? Then once the smoke dispels, then pour the read coals into the girl, bring the girl into the tent close the lid, and let the fumes come out?
I am also not sure what to do about the people who care about me either. What I am doing is truly selfish as I have least 10 to 15 if not more who are praying for me.
I attend a well know Presbyterian church, the staff knows of my issue, paid for my rent for more than 6 months while I was in school, and then I failed school after trying so hard. Never once had they asked for the money back, but I have Autism, and I can not provide for my self on any level. I can't even pay June rent and I just got done driving for 10 hours doing Uber/Lyft and that's about the only (not a real Job, independent contractor), that I can hold down. I have applied to countless jobs and no call backs. I have a friend right now who is willing to help me with what I have to pay for rent this month. I asked him to give me to Saturday because he wanted to help me with the rest of my rent. I have worked my butt off trying to make it were he only has to help out with 300/400 dollars. I even had another friend buy me a video game just so I can take my mind off the stress.
All I am trying to say is, I have a counselor who I been seeing for 10 years who loves me very much, several friends who have helped me. I have a non biological mom (not adopted) who is a special needs school teacher who has helped me with my autism for more than 10 years. Several friends who are pastoral staff and counselors who care for me, and even called me this morning to check on me, but want me to live.
Yet net week we are considering getting back on SSI and disability because I can't hold a job and because of my autism can't have room mates, or get married (I'm 41). I feel lost, because although I have some amazing friends (no family, they don't care about me), living on SSI and disability for rest of my life is no life at all.
I have been bullied my entire life, was sexually abused when I was 8 years old as a boy. First Suicide attempt was at 10 years old by cutting my wrist. When I was 10 to 11 years old, I slept around with other adults while my parents beat me at home because they didn't know I had autism till I was 24. this was in the 80's as you can imagine.
By the time I turned 17 i went into sex trafficking as a fem boy for 5 years and got out in 2005 by trying to jump off a bridge and I got talked down. Later on in life I found out I am intersex, I am both male and female with xy chromosomes, otherwise known as complete androgen insensitivity syndrome (mulers syndrome). This is not transgender. So I walked away from my gender in 2017 full female now with a vagina might I add you and whole new set of friends as a woman, all my old friends left. I can't have kids, never get married, while I have friends, can't hold down a job, get bullied and picked on all the time. I am a Christian and reformed Christian to boot.
The Friends I do have are some very close lady friends who care for me, but yet I feel like they are wasting there time spending there money on me and at this point I am just tired, and I want out. I made a mistake and accidentally sent a pre scheduled suicide note out through gmail because I forgot after my attempt and went out to about 6 people at church. I am surprised they have not locked me up yet.
Since they haven't, I plan on doing what I said before and going camp site this time, but how do you get past these people caring for you? They want me to live, even willing to pay for my rent on some occasions. Staying on disability insurance for rest of my life is no way to live. And I am tired of trying to figure out how to fit into this world just to pay bills. Yet I am also afraid that when I die I will go to hell. Yet i know Christ forgives past present and future sins and if he knows my heart, the he knows I am just tired, I am tired and can't do this anymore. No matter how much medicine I take, scripture I read, counseling sessions I have, and job mentoring. I just can't do this anymore.
I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel. Why as someone who is Autistic do I have to care so much about these other people. I don't' know how to push back against my own feelings and fully ctb and do this right. No crying for help, no attention, no nothing, straight up ctb, no holds bar.
I've been researching the tent method, and since i have access to a car, I am going to drive to a camp site, pay to go into a camp site where barbque and grilling is normal and buy a tent. properly follow all the instructions this time, make sure no one else gets hurt and so on. I am a little lost on what do do with the chimney starter. Should I buy another cheap portable grill around 45 dollars or so? Then once the smoke dispels, then pour the read coals into the girl, bring the girl into the tent close the lid, and let the fumes come out?
I am also not sure what to do about the people who care about me either. What I am doing is truly selfish as I have least 10 to 15 if not more who are praying for me.
I attend a well know Presbyterian church, the staff knows of my issue, paid for my rent for more than 6 months while I was in school, and then I failed school after trying so hard. Never once had they asked for the money back, but I have Autism, and I can not provide for my self on any level. I can't even pay June rent and I just got done driving for 10 hours doing Uber/Lyft and that's about the only (not a real Job, independent contractor), that I can hold down. I have applied to countless jobs and no call backs. I have a friend right now who is willing to help me with what I have to pay for rent this month. I asked him to give me to Saturday because he wanted to help me with the rest of my rent. I have worked my butt off trying to make it were he only has to help out with 300/400 dollars. I even had another friend buy me a video game just so I can take my mind off the stress.
All I am trying to say is, I have a counselor who I been seeing for 10 years who loves me very much, several friends who have helped me. I have a non biological mom (not adopted) who is a special needs school teacher who has helped me with my autism for more than 10 years. Several friends who are pastoral staff and counselors who care for me, and even called me this morning to check on me, but want me to live.
Yet net week we are considering getting back on SSI and disability because I can't hold a job and because of my autism can't have room mates, or get married (I'm 41). I feel lost, because although I have some amazing friends (no family, they don't care about me), living on SSI and disability for rest of my life is no life at all.
I have been bullied my entire life, was sexually abused when I was 8 years old as a boy. First Suicide attempt was at 10 years old by cutting my wrist. When I was 10 to 11 years old, I slept around with other adults while my parents beat me at home because they didn't know I had autism till I was 24. this was in the 80's as you can imagine.
By the time I turned 17 i went into sex trafficking as a fem boy for 5 years and got out in 2005 by trying to jump off a bridge and I got talked down. Later on in life I found out I am intersex, I am both male and female with xy chromosomes, otherwise known as complete androgen insensitivity syndrome (mulers syndrome). This is not transgender. So I walked away from my gender in 2017 full female now with a vagina might I add you and whole new set of friends as a woman, all my old friends left. I can't have kids, never get married, while I have friends, can't hold down a job, get bullied and picked on all the time. I am a Christian and reformed Christian to boot.
The Friends I do have are some very close lady friends who care for me, but yet I feel like they are wasting there time spending there money on me and at this point I am just tired, and I want out. I made a mistake and accidentally sent a pre scheduled suicide note out through gmail because I forgot after my attempt and went out to about 6 people at church. I am surprised they have not locked me up yet.
Since they haven't, I plan on doing what I said before and going camp site this time, but how do you get past these people caring for you? They want me to live, even willing to pay for my rent on some occasions. Staying on disability insurance for rest of my life is no way to live. And I am tired of trying to figure out how to fit into this world just to pay bills. Yet I am also afraid that when I die I will go to hell. Yet i know Christ forgives past present and future sins and if he knows my heart, the he knows I am just tired, I am tired and can't do this anymore. No matter how much medicine I take, scripture I read, counseling sessions I have, and job mentoring. I just can't do this anymore.
I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel. Why as someone who is Autistic do I have to care so much about these other people. I don't' know how to push back against my own feelings and fully ctb and do this right. No crying for help, no attention, no nothing, straight up ctb, no holds bar.
