How do you feel about ghosting? How questionable is it to ghost someone are there valid reasons that justify that behavior?

[noname223]

I thought this might could be a funny thread. I did some research and some people in this forum have made painful experiences with ghosting. I was not that well prepared for that. Always when people ghosted me I did not give a fuck. I could not name anyone who meant a lot to me. Usually I am on the other side anyway. I ghosted so many people in my life. When I leanrned there is a term for my behavior it sort of surprised me.

I am pretty good at ghosting. Stopping attachment to a different person. I don't know why. I have been through insane pain in my life and maybe you get used to it. There was this extremely attractive woman in college. I became slightly paranoid because I thought she might like me. Turned sort of paranoid. Then helped her a lot without getting anything back. I helped her with so much college summaries. I noticed the contact was not good for my mental help and I always had the hope in mind she might could be interested in me, Which is probably a complete delusion. So I began to consider to ghost her. I did some preparation for that. Then for the first time after I helped her like with 30 summaries I asked her for one little thing she could do for me. The favor was not that pleasant. I asked her whether she could ask a certain lecturer a question for me because I was not present. I did not really expect she would do it. But she did the following. She send me nothing back. She ignored my message as if there was nothing. I felt pretty exploited. I always felt stupid for treating her that good. I asked me whether this is the halo effect and I just give her that treatment because she looks that good. At the same it was meant as an apology for interpreting certain signs of her in the wrong way and I wanted to prove her that I am a good guy.

But my determination to ghost her growed by a thousand when she ignore the sole favor I ever asked her for. One thing would have been if she told me I don't feel comfortable doing it. But simply ignoring my message...I perceived that as disrespectful and unthankful.
First I stopped messaging her then I also dodged her in real life. I thought she was perfectly fine with that. Before I ghosted her I sent her all the summaries I still had. I thought well she has what she wanted and felt exploited and told myself it is time to move on. The support was not mutual at all.

I did not message her for like one month and also no messages for the holidays. Our messages were completely college related no private stuff anyway. When I was paranoid I acted like she had a crush on me. And when I met her in December she acted like she tries as good as she can not to make me think she liked me I died when I noticed her behavior. It was extremely uncomfortable for me. I also noticed she was not comfortable and I died because I made a girl which was raped feeling uncomfortable. So all the contributed to my final decision to ghost her. I am person that struggles with social interaction especially with women. For me ghosting is a common strategy to avoid uncomfortable interactions.

After the holidays and some weeks dodging her I met her at college. And she sort of tried to interact with me. I was rather distant and she seemed to be (genuinely) sad that I ghosted her. I cannot really judge her character to be honest. But when i ghosted her I felt exploited and thought bad about her. I got a guilty conscience because she looked sad. Actually here comes the paranoia I don't know the extent of that sadness.

So today I stopped ghosting her also in real life. It was nothing big we just exchanged some college related stuff. And as you can see with this thread it is not good for my fucked up mental health. I still have the wish she might like me. I soon have exams and I don't need the love paranoia. However I am pretty sure she is not interested in me. She is super lazy and probably considers me a boring careerist. Moving on would have been easier by ghosting her. I almost forgot her.

So after this very personal off-topic story that does not contribute a lot to ghosting as a phenomenon and its analysis I have wasted a lot of time and resources.
I ghosted so many people I struggle to remember all of them. (instead od analyzing it here are some anecdotes)

One guy from school also was a heavy ghoster. We in our friend group send him funny voice notes as a revenge. Most of them he never listened to. He searched for a new friend group and then he also ghosted them. He also had mental issues it would be interesting to know how mental illness is connected to ghosting. Maybe an idea for a different thread.

I think I am that "good" at ghosting particular for one reason. I have 3 core friend who I fully trust with no exception. Then I have 5 more friends who I am close to but to a lesser extent.

Here a list of people I ghosted and the reasons for it.

Two guys from school. They talked very badly about mental health issues, bragged with money and sex. It was a very easy choice to ghost them. I hate it when people rub me success with women and money into my face. That is a great recipe for getting ghosted by me.

By the way sometimes I also stopped my ghosting after a while. Or I decreased the scope of it so it is not irreversible always.

A guy who radicalized himself politically and supported online hate against trans people. I struggled a lot to ghost him. Because to me personally he was always correct. I still think about him and whether it was the right choice. His actions are unforgiveable though. However he is on unemployment and was my plan B person to teach me how to live in poverty. However I came to the conclusion I will never be able to live in poverty. I rather kill myself. He does not know anything but poverty all his life. And I cannot understand that mindset. So in my choices for friends there are also strategical elements. That in itself could be considered questionable. I would not say I am a saint. I have my faults. I wanted to ghost my best friends prior to my first psychosis because I had the feeling they might stop me from my career. However we were not that close to that time. My illness strengthened our bond a lot. I shared everything with them. My abuse story, that I wanted to ghost them etc. They forgave me my faults and I forgave them theirs. I think on some issues I am a bad person. However I am daily in a lot of pain with barely any relief, I constantly in a crisis mode, I was severely bullied and abused. Other people might would have become way more evil. In general I am a good person. But I have flaws. I am good friend though. I am very loyal if I am convinced of someone and we develop a strong bond. This loyalty was the reason why we became so good friends. (with my core friend group) When we became best friends I was bulled a lot. And my friend(s) defended me. We were outcasts in general. Then the bullying stopped and my best friend was target of mockery. I would have had many opportunites to sell him out for gaining popularity with women for example. I NEVER did that. Others did that who are not part of our friend group anymore. I think loyalty is a core principle for a good friendship. And the guy I ghosted for radicalization I sort of was warned. I told him the things he believes in are inhuman and disgusting. Maybe I should have been more explicit about my reason.s However I think they were obvious.

Twp therapists gave me up. Can this be considered ghosting? If yes then yes this broke my heart severely. Though I think it should not actually count as ghosting. It is something different when a professional does that and we sort of had some conversations afterwards. At least with one of them.

From school I stopped any contact with almost everyone because I feel so ashamed that I have no career. Being ashamed that I am such a wreck without career, no gf., extremely unhappy From the outside noone sees that. I don't want to be reminded of my past. Class reunions I think I would not go there even if they gave me 500 Euros. And I am quite desperate about money. Seeing my bullies with their wifes, children, gf's. Hell no. Just the notion that noone can force me to go there is sort of comforting. I rather skip to the next people. The mental pressure that errupts in this thread might be a little bit concerning. (now re-reading it - it also was slightly cathartic)

Some people ghosted me in college, and I ghosted others. Not a big deal for me.

I almost ghosted my whole family. For a certain time periods I kind of ghosted my dad and my sister. The only person I never ghosted was my mom and my granddad who died a very tragic death. I don't want any contact not close relatives. I don't know these people. I don't want to have any contact. I am not even sure why. They are assholes. I hated them as a kid. I had the feeling they look down at me since my mental breakdowns. My sister once tried to approach them and they treated her like shit. I would have anticipated that a thousand miles away. A relative of mine goes to the same college as me. I never knew that. He asked my mom whether I allow him to greet him at college or if I feel embarrassed about that. LMAO.

This is probably another aspect about ghosting. It is about power. It says I don't give a fuck about you. Why do you give a fuck about me? I don't care bitch. Maybe this is one of those problematic aspects of my character. I sort of feel good when my mom told me that. I dislike my relatives. I don't want to go to further funerals. I usually also dodge important events like marriages. But on a funeral damn I cannot do that...

I ghosted two self-help groups. There was one guy where we talked about becoming friends. We were similar wrecks. But he was so fucking smug about the fact that I never was in relationship. He looked down at me and showed it. Dumbass. I had a guilty conscience before ghosting him. But he told me he also ghosts people all the time. So this was relief. I might return to that self-help group mostly because I hope to meet interesting women. Not for him certainyl.

But my brain which is on fire (proof is this wall of text) ruins it all the time. I have soon exams. I would be in desperate need for a benzo but the withdrawal symptoms were nightmarish. I am pretty desperate. My sleep is still good though.

Fuck I have to re-read all of that at least once to find mistakes. Fuck my life (but in general)

 

[FujoshiNeet]

I feel like ghosting is very normal now? I ghost constantly because I socially isolate most days. I feel so guilty when I try to date someone because the loneliness is too much but then ghost them after 1 date. Genuinely don't know what's wrong with me.

 

[Adûnâi]

ghost them after 1 date

I wish I had that superpower, being able to have a date on a dime.

I think I am that "good" at ghosting particular for one reason. I have 3 core friend who I fully trust with no exception. Then I have 5 more friends who I am close to but to a lesser extent.

The OP unironically impresses me. That's literally... dozens of people! I'd consider it an implausible piece of fiction - but what do I know, I have literally never opened my mouth. Not to say I'm envious as I don't seem to have suffered much in the past over this.

But finally responding - you can cut off connections because... you have them. It's like discarding food when you're rich, makes total sense.

I'm surprised you don't have a relationship after so much socialisation, however. Noted.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

That was an interesting and detailed post, thank you for that OP. It seems you put a lot of thought and emotion behind this.

I feel pretty similar because I often ghost people. I can't remember the last time I kept in contact with someone for longer than a year. It's definitely a nice cope for me.

I always assume people are going to hurt me or I'll hurt them. The only way to prevent that is to be temporary in their lives. It gives them all the good memories without spoiling them from some bad feelings later on.

It's not like they don't expect me to ghost them anyway since I tell everyone that I'll ghost them.

It sucks because it's like an addiction at this point. I've ghosted almost everyone in my life. I have no real friends or family because I ghost them and refuse to contact them unless I'm in desperate need to. Contacting them makes me feel even worse because I know how shitty that makes me.

Trying to make new connections is also impossible because of this. I'll start to feel something and remember I'm just going to ghost them so I become numb and lose all interest in building any type of relationship with them. Even now I have someone I'm trying to build a relationship with and get to know them but I don't think I can connect emotionally. I want to connect emotionally since physically I can connect but it's not the same without emotional drive.

This is turning into a huge rant so I'll quit typing and put on my sad music lol.
TLDR: I'm a terrible person for ghosting

 

[wCvML2]

The reality is that no one owns anyone an explanation as to why they want to cut contact with said person. Like going to a job interview, they don't owe applicants to call them to inform them they got rejected. Ghosting is legitimate both in interpersonal and professional settings. But to say it doesn't *sometimes* hurt to get ghosted would be a lie. I can remember instances when I got hurt because of a ghosting or hurt others by ghosting but I still think the truth is that no one is owed an explanation.

 

[fishlover]

if i think about it, i haven't really experienced being ghosted that much. but i definitely have done a lot of "ghosting". i put ghosting in quotations because to me, it doesn't feel like ghosting. how i see it, ghosting is a purposeful attempt to cut off all ties and end a relationship- whether that relationship is familial, romantic, etc.
but i have been told to my face that even if i dont think that its ghosting- other people consider it ghosting, and apparently it really hurts them.

i had this explained to me a bit in person by my childhood friend, who (very angrily) said that people care when i stop contacting them, or leave them. that its hurtful. and i was, and genuinely still am, entirely confused by that concept. how could anyone miss my presence? i dont get it. im just another person in this world, im nothing special. i really just dont understand, i guess.

when i "ghost' someone, its usually because talking to them stresses me out. and almost always, my ghosting is done online. if i avoid someone in real life, its definitely with intent to cut ties with them, whether it be because i felt they were better off without me, or because i felt wronged by them. anyway, its hard to explain but sometimes i really cant stand talking to someone- texting them, calling them. but i still see them as my friend, or my partner, and i definitely still care about them very much, i just dont want to talk. its easier in those times to be with them in person, and i can silently sit next to them and enjoy their presence. other people dont see it this way though, and ive been broken up with, and lost friends because of it.
and honestly, it hurt- but i understood in the end. im sort of a high maintenance person, i guess. theres only about two friends that ive done this to and actively still do at times that have still stuck around, for better or for worse. and im thankful for it.

and even though i dont see anything wrong with me "ghosting" someone, there was one instance that i truly felt guilty about it- when i had looked back at old messages during a time period (about 3 ish years?) where i wasnt really talking at all to my best friend... and he, on my birthday every year- even if it was a few days off, wished me happy birthday. and i really felt horrible then. i hadnt even wished him happy birthday once, but he always remembered. that was truly the only time i ever felt bad about it.

 

[BlackMoon]

I already ghosted an e-relation because they started making death threats when I was unresponsive.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wonder if it's a generation thing! I really don't like the idea of ghosting. I feel like- if you've built up any kind of friendship/ relationship with someone- it's more mature to say outright why you need some time away from them or, you don't want to be in contact with them. If I'm brutally honest- I think ghosting is kind of cowardly but- it depends on the person involved I suppose.

If they have done something really shitty or, they are revealing themselves to be potentially toxic or narcissistic- then, I can understand why someone would go no contact- to protect themselves.

One guy from a company I worked for once texted me for some advice. I'd already found him really patronising and exploitative in the past. So- honestly- I wasn't eager to help. Still- I tried to offer to help via continuing to text but- he wanted to talk. I really wasn't in the mood- I was seeing my parents for a start and I don't get much time with them. I just said I wasn't doing that kind of work anymore- which was true but a lame excuse. He then got all huffy and texted: 'So, are you saying I can't contact you again?' In that instance I felt justified in ghosting him. I didn't like it. I prefer things to be resolved between people but, I also don't appreciate being exploited! It felt like he was making me feel like some monster for not giving him (more) of my time and knowledge for free.

I have accidentally ghosted people in the past! I hardly ever used to check Facebook and I didn't have alerts set up. I've found messages from random strangers in the past where it's pretty much been years since they left the message! Seemed kind of stupid to reply after that. I've ghosted suspected scammers on Instagram. That seemed reasonable.

I think I was worse when I was young though. I always struggled with meeting up with people. Even friends and family. There were definitely times I ignored people asking to meet. Now, I'm more honest really. I just say I'm not in a great place in life. I'm too worried about work etc. I've become super reclusive. Seems better to just be honest now really.

I guess it depends on what kind of reply you think you're going to get too. If they are going to turn it into an argument, or, drag it on, I guess I can see why people do ghost others!

With the girl you were talking about- I'm going to do something I probably shouldn't but I'm going to compare it to something that happened to someone in my family. (Maybe unreasonably.) They moved next door to this guy. He was so friendly at the start- they did a bunch of social things together. He'd let them all use his hot tub. He introduced him to his Dad who was some big figure in the community. It went on and on and they really considered this guy to be a friend. Then, they start to hear he has applied for an extension to his property. They start getting nervous about just how close this building will be. They go on holiday and come back to find it's been built extremely near their house. They become convinced it's been pushed through the corrupt council and they worry it's going to cause structural problems to their property with drainage etc.

Very long story short- they feel like they were being kind of groomed all that time for this. Not saying she did feel like that but presumably- that girl didn't ask you for help. You offered it and then asked her for a favour. I think some people simply feel offended by that kind of thing. It's like- making them feel like they owe you something. That isn't friendship. That feels manipulative. Not saying you did that, I don't know. Maybe she thought that was your motive from the start though.

A guy at college once kept buying me drinks- which was kind but- I felt pretty uncomfortable about it. He must have been drunk because he insinuated I should go to his house the next day while his parents were out and he didn't care about looks. (Great chat up line.) I simply said thanks but no and bought him a bottle of whisky to pay him back.

Neither of those were ghosting instances of course but, I guess I was just trying to think of why that girl reacted that way. I could be way off of course. It likely depended on how natural the relationship felt and how natural your offer of help was to begin with. If she saw it as a kind of bribe to then get her to do something she had no prior knowledge of and wasn't keen on doing- she may have resented that. Plus- been worried what else you might ask her to do. Friendship doesn't feel exactly natural when it's about being in debt to someone and then, paying it off. Maybe that's what friendship really is in the end but, most of the time, we aren't conscious of it because- hopefully- neither person feels like they are being exploited- so- they don't feel resentful about it. That's just a guess though. I could be way off.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Ghosting is a funny thing, personally. Everyone does it at some level or another, it's just that "ghosting" has now been construed as something bad, which is ironic. Some people have a way of "ghosting" others without being labelled as having "ghosted" the other party in the first place. These are the types that say "oh shoot my bad just been busy" because they want to avoid the long explanations or they are conscious that they have hurt the other party, it's just they wanna get away with it.

Ghosting leaves one party with no sense of closure and why the other party just upped and left. But here's the thing, there's no such thing as "closure" when in comes to relationships with people who are still alive. Of course, "closure" for people who disappeared is another story and I would concede it's a bit more important (but not by much).

i would agree with @neverUsedA_Gun; no one is really owed an explanation. It's kind of ironic because we advocate CTB as a personal choice, and yet we, whether by accident or on purpose, place a connotation on someone's or our own action as being "good" or "bad".

Maybe, just maybe, it comes from our own over-inflated sense of worth or ego: we do not usually grace other people with our attention and it hurts when it's not reciprocated and we get cut off.

 

[GhostShell]

Ghosting is an unfortunate reality of our society today. Reminds me of the movie "Banshees of Inisherin", a brilliant dark Irish comedy. It is so easy to ghost people that arent part of your permanent community, people you wont have to be seeing daily for a decade.

There are valid reasons for ghosting - safety, sudden illness and such. Unfortunately this is very rarely the case in my experience. I may just be a bit too autistic but a promise is something sacred to me, and my own moral code would never allow me to break one without an extremely good reason. Most people do not work this way. When they promise something, it is closer to a 50/50.

Whenever someone would say "lets go for a coffee sometime" that would be my cue that I will never see that person again because they would 99% ghost me.

And I realize that I am in the minority, the different one but I refuse to accept that I am wrong. People should be honest. I am not wrong for being honest and true to my word.

TL;DR: arcane rituals and habits of neurotypical society suck

 

[noname223]

I wonder if it's a generation thing! I really don't like the idea of ghosting. I feel like- if you've built up any kind of friendship/ relationship with someone- it's more mature to say outright why you need some time away from them or, you don't want to be in contact with them. If I'm brutally honest- I think ghosting is kind of cowardly but- it depends on the person involved I suppose.

If they have done something really shitty or, they are revealing themselves to be potentially toxic or narcissistic- then, I can understand why someone would go no contact- to protect themselves.

One guy from a company I worked for once texted me for some advice. I'd already found him really patronising and exploitative in the past. So- honestly- I wasn't eager to help. Still- I tried to offer to help via continuing to text but- he wanted to talk. I really wasn't in the mood- I was seeing my parents for a start and I don't get much time with them. I just said I wasn't doing that kind of work anymore- which was true but a lame excuse. He then got all huffy and texted: 'So, are you saying I can't contact you again?' In that instance I felt justified in ghosting him. I didn't like it. I prefer things to be resolved between people but, I also don't appreciate being exploited! It felt like he was making me feel like some monster for not giving him (more) of my time and knowledge for free.

I have accidentally ghosted people in the past! I hardly ever used to check Facebook and I didn't have alerts set up. I've found messages from random strangers in the past where it's pretty much been years since they left the message! Seemed kind of stupid to reply after that. I've ghosted suspected scammers on Instagram. That seemed reasonable.

I think I was worse when I was young though. I always struggled with meeting up with people. Even friends and family. There were definitely times I ignored people asking to meet. Now, I'm more honest really. I just say I'm not in a great place in life. I'm too worried about work etc. I've become super reclusive. Seems better to just be honest now really.

I guess it depends on what kind of reply you think you're going to get too. If they are going to turn it into an argument, or, drag it on, I guess I can see why people do ghost others!

With the girl you were talking about- I'm going to do something I probably shouldn't but I'm going to compare it to something that happened to someone in my family. (Maybe unreasonably.) They moved next door to this guy. He was so friendly at the start- they did a bunch of social things together. He'd let them all use his hot tub. He introduced him to his Dad who was some big figure in the community. It went on and on and they really considered this guy to be a friend. Then, they start to hear he has applied for an extension to his property. They start getting nervous about just how close this building will be. They go on holiday and come back to find it's been built extremely near their house. They become convinced it's been pushed through the corrupt council and they worry it's going to cause structural problems to their property with drainage etc.

Very long story short- they feel like they were being kind of groomed all that time for this. Not saying she did feel like that but presumably- that girl didn't ask you for help. You offered it and then asked her for a favour. I think some people simply feel offended by that kind of thing. It's like- making them feel like they owe you something. That isn't friendship. That feels manipulative. Not saying you did that, I don't know. Maybe she thought that was your motive from the start though.

A guy at college once kept buying me drinks- which was kind but- I felt pretty uncomfortable about it. He must have been drunk because he insinuated I should go to his house the next day while his parents were out and he didn't care about looks. (Great chat up line.) I simply said thanks but no and bought him a bottle of whisky to pay him back.

Neither of those were ghosting instances of course but, I guess I was just trying to think of why that girl reacted that way. I could be way off of course. It likely depended on how natural the relationship felt and how natural your offer of help was to begin with. If she saw it as a kind of bribe to then get her to do something she had no prior knowledge of and wasn't keen on doing- she may have resented that. Plus- been worried what else you might ask her to do. Friendship doesn't feel exactly natural when it's about being in debt to someone and then, paying it off. Maybe that's what friendship really is in the end but, most of the time, we aren't conscious of it because- hopefully- neither person feels like they are being exploited- so- they don't feel resentful about it. That's just a guess though. I could be way off.

I really doubt that she was offended by me asking her that favor. I think she considered me a potential friend. And well I am scared I might develop feelings for her. She looks very well she might be used to it. I have the feeling she still wants to be friends with me.

I can only speculate why we did not do me that favor. Personally I had the feeling she took my help for granted (and I disliked that). I gave my summaries to a couple of people. Not only her. And I asked exactly that favor also to several different people. And the only person who did not respond at all to my question was her.

We are pretty different. I am studying all the time and she barely does anything for college. I could imagine asking a lecturer might be even worse for her than me. I also did not really expect her to do it. I just wanted to see her reaction. (And I also needed the answer of the lecturer). Well and saying nothing was very annoying to me. The relation in general is very assymetrical I always have to message her. She never messages me. I invest way more into this interhuman relation. And that does not feel good for me.

I also did not build up this strategy in advance. For me expecting that other people help me if I help them all the time does not feel manipulative to me at all. I have had such talk with my closest friends how we build up our friendship. And we also admitted me had some strategical elements in how we became best friends. We were just fully honest and transparent about it retrospectivekly. Personally i think this is sort of human.

Overall I have to say: my mental health is way more important than potentially be rude. If I relapse and my brain after the interaction was on fire (and slightly still is) I have to kill myself. If I ghost her she will find new friends. I am not special to her. Our communication was very superficial and always and only college related. That also felt not good to me. If the only thing one talks about is college these interactions feel shallow.

It feels toxic for me when I always almost get a mental breakdown after talking with her. That is not her fault. But I should set boundaries. And I am not sure exactly where I have to set them. I have the feeling this potential friendship is already in a deadlock. I doubt I can be friends with her because I am still scared about developing feelings. She is not interested at all and is scared I could think she likes me since we only talk about college. I tried to help her as much as I can and afterwards I tried to move on also for the sake of my mental health.

And now I am back at it. And I am scared it is my demise.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really doubt that she was offended by me asking her that favor. I think she considered me a potential friend. And well I am scared I might develop feelings for her. She looks very well she might be used to it. I have the feeling she still wants to be friends with me.

I can only speculate why we did not do me that favor. Personally I had the feeling she took my help for granted (and I disliked that). I gave my summaries to a couple of people. Not only her. And I asked exactly that favor also to several different people. And the only person who did not respond at all to my question was her.

We are pretty different. I am studying all the time and she barely does anything for college. I could imagine asking a lecturer might be even worse for her than me. I also did not really expect her to do it. I just wanted to see her reaction. (And I also needed the answer of the lecturer). Well and saying nothing was very annoying to me. The relation in general is very assymetrical I always have to message her. She never messages me. I invest way more into this interhuman relation. And that does not feel good for me.

I also did not build up this strategy in advance. For me expecting that other people help me if I help them all the time does not feel manipulative to me at all. I have had such talk with my closest friends how we build up our friendship. And we also admitted me had some strategical elements in how we became best friends. We were just fully honest and transparent about it retrospectivekly. Personally i think this is sort of human.

Overall I have to say: my mental health is way more important than potentially be rude. If I relapse and my brain after the interaction was on fire (and slightly still is) I have to kill myself. If I ghost her she will find new friends. I am not special to her. Our communication was very superficial and always and only college related. That also felt not good to me. If the only thing one talks about is college these interactions feel shallow.

Yeah- fair enough. You know the relationship better than I do. And yes- we all need to protect our well being- even if it means being rude. If the results are going to be catastrophic for you- then, you definitely need to shield yourself. Plus yeah- if someone has already ghosted you, it seems fine to do it in return. And like I said- obviously someone who is aggressive or toxic- it's maybe even better to ghost rather than to get drawn into an argument.

Actually- that does remind me. I had a massive crush on someone I worked for. I'm pretty sure I tend to suffer from limerence- crazy obsessive crushes on people and this was way out there. Anyhow- I became Facebook friends with the company but I found it was turning me into a full on stalker of him! So- I unfriended them. I didn't realise they would have received a notification. I didn't even know if they had but, they seemed upset the next time we were in touch. I could hardly say- oh- I only did that to stop myself becoming a deranged stalker! But yeah- it seemed safer in the long run! For everyone involved! Not saying you're like that but yeah- it's a fair point. Sometimes, if we know something is bad for us, it's better to withdraw- even if it seems rude or weird.

 

[Kasumi]

Ghosting is kinda rude imo.
If the other person didn't do anything wrong then ghosting them will just make them question themselves about what they might've said to offend you.
It's not much effort to just tell that person you don't want to talk to them, then they know.

Not to mention that ghosting can do bad things to someone psychologically, especially if it happens a lot to them.

I am pretty good at ghosting. Stopping attachment to a different person.

I'd say emotionally separating yourself from someone is very different from ghosting.
It's a good ability to protect yourself.
I define ghosting as ignoring someone, not replying to their messages anymore without ever telling them why.
But not to break off contact with someone, those are 2 different things.

Earlier I said "if the other person didn't do anything wrong".
Especially then I think you shouldn't ghost someone.
If you simply just can't bother to talk to them anymore at least tell them, then they can forget about you without wondering what they did wrong forever.
If they did something however it's a different matter.

I still think you should tell them what they did and that you don't want to interact with them anymore because of it, but I also think sometimes the other person just isn't someone that would accept that, in this case the fault is on them and I'd say it's fine to ghost them

 

[Celerity]

Everyone has pointed out cases where it's justified - like with threats or narcissistic/"toxic" personalities - but I feel that most ghosting is cowardly and should be avoided. I say this as someone who has ghosted and been ghosted in the past.

It's one thing to "ghost" someone you do not know well, particularly if you have not met them in real life, but I'm not even sure I would call that ghosting.

Just up and abandoning a friend is a different ball of wax, and I think it's really shitty. It's about showing respect for the other person more than you want to avoid discomfort. If somebody ghosts often, I think I would be justified in inferring that they have difficulty navigating uncomfortable discussions with other people. An inability to handle such conversations is a hallmark of immaturity in my book.

 

[24SecondsTillDawn]

I thought this might could be a funny thread. I did some research and some people in this forum have made painful experiences with ghosting. I was not that well prepared for that. Always when people ghosted me I did not give a fuck. I could not name anyone who meant a lot to me. Usually I am on the other side anyway. I ghosted so many people in my life. When I leanrned there is a term for my behavior it sort of surprised me.

I am pretty good at ghosting. Stopping attachment to a different person. I don't know why. I have been through insane pain in my life and maybe you get used to it. There was this extremely attractive woman in college. I became slightly paranoid because I thought she might like me. Turned sort of paranoid. Then helped her a lot without getting anything back. I helped her with so much college summaries. I noticed the contact was not good for my mental help and I always had the hope in mind she might could be interested in me, Which is probably a complete delusion. So I began to consider to ghost her. I did some preparation for that. Then for the first time after I helped her like with 30 summaries I asked her for one little thing she could do for me. The favor was not that pleasant. I asked her whether she could ask a certain lecturer a question for me because I was not present. I did not really expect she would do it. But she did the following. She send me nothing back. She ignored my message as if there was nothing. I felt pretty exploited. I always felt stupid for treating her that good. I asked me whether this is the halo effect and I just give her that treatment because she looks that good. At the same it was meant as an apology for interpreting certain signs of her in the wrong way and I wanted to prove her that I am a good guy.

But my determination to ghost her growed by a thousand when she ignore the sole favor I ever asked her for. One thing would have been if she told me I don't feel comfortable doing it. But simply ignoring my message...I perceived that as disrespectful and unthankful.
First I stopped messaging her then I also dodged her in real life. I thought she was perfectly fine with that. Before I ghosted her I sent her all the summaries I still had. I thought well she has what she wanted and felt exploited and told myself it is time to move on. The support was not mutual at all.

I did not message her for like one month and also no messages for the holidays. Our messages were completely college related no private stuff anyway. When I was paranoid I acted like she had a crush on me. And when I met her in December she acted like she tries as good as she can not to make me think she liked me I died when I noticed her behavior. It was extremely uncomfortable for me. I also noticed she was not comfortable and I died because I made a girl which was raped feeling uncomfortable. So all the contributed to my final decision to ghost her. I am person that struggles with social interaction especially with women. For me ghosting is a common strategy to avoid uncomfortable interactions.

After the holidays and some weeks dodging her I met her at college. And she sort of tried to interact with me. I was rather distant and she seemed to be (genuinely) sad that I ghosted her. I cannot really judge her character to be honest. But when i ghosted her I felt exploited and thought bad about her. I got a guilty conscience because she looked sad. Actually here comes the paranoia I don't know the extent of that sadness.

So today I stopped ghosting her also in real life. It was nothing big we just exchanged some college related stuff. And as you can see with this thread it is not good for my fucked up mental health. I still have the wish she might like me. I soon have exams and I don't need the love paranoia. However I am pretty sure she is not interested in me. She is super lazy and probably considers me a boring careerist. Moving on would have been easier by ghosting her. I almost forgot her.

So after this very personal off-topic story that does not contribute a lot to ghosting as a phenomenon and its analysis I have wasted a lot of time and resources.
I ghosted so many people I struggle to remember all of them. (instead od analyzing it here are some anecdotes)

One guy from school also was a heavy ghoster. We in our friend group send him funny voice notes as a revenge. Most of them he never listened to. He searched for a new friend group and then he also ghosted them. He also had mental issues it would be interesting to know how mental illness is connected to ghosting. Maybe an idea for a different thread.

I think I am that "good" at ghosting particular for one reason. I have 3 core friend who I fully trust with no exception. Then I have 5 more friends who I am close to but to a lesser extent.

Here a list of people I ghosted and the reasons for it.

Two guys from school. They talked very badly about mental health issues, bragged with money and sex. It was a very easy choice to ghost them. I hate it when people rub me success with women and money into my face. That is a great recipe for getting ghosted by me.

By the way sometimes I also stopped my ghosting after a while. Or I decreased the scope of it so it is not irreversible always.

A guy who radicalized himself politically and supported online hate against trans people. I struggled a lot to ghost him. Because to me personally he was always correct. I still think about him and whether it was the right choice. His actions are unforgiveable though. However he is on unemployment and was my plan B person to teach me how to live in poverty. However I came to the conclusion I will never be able to live in poverty. I rather kill myself. He does not know anything but poverty all his life. And I cannot understand that mindset. So in my choices for friends there are also strategical elements. That in itself could be considered questionable. I would not say I am a saint. I have my faults. I wanted to ghost my best friends prior to my first psychosis because I had the feeling they might stop me from my career. However we were not that close to that time. My illness strengthened our bond a lot. I shared everything with them. My abuse story, that I wanted to ghost them etc. They forgave me my faults and I forgave them theirs. I think on some issues I am a bad person. However I am daily in a lot of pain with barely any relief, I constantly in a crisis mode, I was severely bullied and abused. Other people might would have become way more evil. In general I am a good person. But I have flaws. I am good friend though. I am very loyal if I am convinced of someone and we develop a strong bond. This loyalty was the reason why we became so good friends. (with my core friend group) When we became best friends I was bulled a lot. And my friend(s) defended me. We were outcasts in general. Then the bullying stopped and my best friend was target of mockery. I would have had many opportunites to sell him out for gaining popularity with women for example. I NEVER did that. Others did that who are not part of our friend group anymore. I think loyalty is a core principle for a good friendship. And the guy I ghosted for radicalization I sort of was warned. I told him the things he believes in are inhuman and disgusting. Maybe I should have been more explicit about my reason.s However I think they were obvious.

Twp therapists gave me up. Can this be considered ghosting? If yes then yes this broke my heart severely. Though I think it should not actually count as ghosting. It is something different when a professional does that and we sort of had some conversations afterwards. At least with one of them.

From school I stopped any contact with almost everyone because I feel so ashamed that I have no career. Being ashamed that I am such a wreck without career, no gf., extremely unhappy From the outside noone sees that. I don't want to be reminded of my past. Class reunions I think I would not go there even if they gave me 500 Euros. And I am quite desperate about money. Seeing my bullies with their wifes, children, gf's. Hell no. Just the notion that noone can force me to go there is sort of comforting. I rather skip to the next people. The mental pressure that errupts in this thread might be a little bit concerning. (now re-reading it - it also was slightly cathartic)

Some people ghosted me in college, and I ghosted others. Not a big deal for me.

I almost ghosted my whole family. For a certain time periods I kind of ghosted my dad and my sister. The only person I never ghosted was my mom and my granddad who died a very tragic death. I don't want any contact not close relatives. I don't know these people. I don't want to have any contact. I am not even sure why. They are assholes. I hated them as a kid. I had the feeling they look down at me since my mental breakdowns. My sister once tried to approach them and they treated her like shit. I would have anticipated that a thousand miles away. A relative of mine goes to the same college as me. I never knew that. He asked my mom whether I allow him to greet him at college or if I feel embarrassed about that. LMAO.

This is probably another aspect about ghosting. It is about power. It says I don't give a fuck about you. Why do you give a fuck about me? I don't care bitch. Maybe this is one of those problematic aspects of my character. I sort of feel good when my mom told me that. I dislike my relatives. I don't want to go to further funerals. I usually also dodge important events like marriages. But on a funeral damn I cannot do that...

I ghosted two self-help groups. There was one guy where we talked about becoming friends. We were similar wrecks. But he was so fucking smug about the fact that I never was in relationship. He looked down at me and showed it. Dumbass. I had a guilty conscience before ghosting him. But he told me he also ghosts people all the time. So this was relief. I might return to that self-help group mostly because I hope to meet interesting women. Not for him certainyl.

But my brain which is on fire (proof is this wall of text) ruins it all the time. I have soon exams. I would be in desperate need for a benzo but the withdrawal symptoms were nightmarish. I am pretty desperate. My sleep is still good though.

Fuck I have to re-read all of that at least once to find mistakes. Fuck my life (but in general)

I have been ghosted multiple times and I have started doing it myself. I don't see the issue with ending a relationship with someone whether it's friends, lovers, or even family. If I feel used or miserable after interacting with them, I am likely going to unconsciously try and make them feel just as shitty. Instead of putting in the work of keeping the relationship going and using up the little free time I have on someone who doesn't care about me, ghosting just seems easier. I have learned to just appreciate the good memories we had and move on.

 

[Scythe]

Unless said person has shown you little to no respect, or you weren't too close don't ghost. Maybe the other person doesn't know if they did smth wrong. I would at least have a conversation about it before I cut contact. This way they have a chance to improve themselves. Just cutting contact from someone out of blue because you have a secret problem with them seems immature, communication is a helpful skill to have. Personally, I've also been ghosted by ppl that I enjoy spending time with, and it had been due to my bad habits, but it was a problem that could've been fixed if they talked to me. As I don't have those habits anymore. Even if whatever issue can't be fixed. I would've apperciated a reason for why they didn't want to talk to me anymore. In the same sense that if you know why someone wants to die, it will make their death more acceptable.

 

[Final_Choice]

I think there's a difference between cutting people from life and simply ghosting people. Cutting people from your life for one reason or another is fine, sometimes due to circumstances you might just have to cut them quietly just because it's safer or just better overall. But ghosting is generally a shitty thing to do as it can potentially cause harm to the other person. I do it a lot, I try not to because I know how it feels to be ghosted by others, but I still do it sometimes, not an excuse but an explanation.

 

[sserafim]

I'm sad that my crush ghosted me, he left me on read and just stopped talking to me entirely. I wish I knew why. I guess I'm a hypocrite though because I ghost other people as well, I just don't have the energy to talk to them anymore

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Been on both sides of ghosting. Sometimes I've had to do it for my own sanity, other times I genuinely just don't know how to respond to someone then by the time I do think of something it's too late.

For the times I've been ghosted, it's because I'm cringe and also stupid and also evil so I deserve it.

 

[R_N]

It is a part of life, no one should be obligated or chained to someone if they don't want to be. After all, all neediness does is create pain. I can never look back on a single bond I had where I didn't want to let go and say:"That was a good idea".

Also death is kinda like ultimate form of ghosting when I think about it regardless how it happens. One day your body is there and some might depend on it for whatever reason and next day they have to face reality you are gone. Better get used to it.