M
moonoverthesea
tired...
- Aug 24, 2024
- 43
I'm not afraid of death. Of pain, sure, but not death per se. Yet, even if all of me is just too tired, and just wants this (physical) pain to end, there is a small part of me that is incredibly angry and sad and, in a sense, doesn't want to die.
I want the pain to end, of course. But I'm sad, because I feel like I had a lot of potential as a person. I come from a complicated family, but I think I did a lot of work to try and be a better person, to break the cycle. I was getting my degree, I had started teaching in a high school (and absolutely ADORED teaching). I had a lot of ideas, projects, stuff I want to learn. So, in a way, I'm mad I want/need to die, because all of that is going to waste. There is an alternate universe somewhere where i never got sick, where I'm not in 10/10 pain everyday, where I got to get my degree and have new kids to teach to, where I have started all those project (though, knowing myself, I don't think I finished any ahaha). In that timeline I am able to keep working on myself, to build an imperfect life but full of things, to never stop growing. It was all perfectly doable, I was on track to do it in my life, but now with an incurable (but not deathly) illness all i can do is suffer every day and see life pass why, lying in bed, thinking about what it could have been.
How do you get over that. I know there is no cure, and I know my body is getting more and more tired. I can't mentally stand the pain anymore, I feel I'm going mad and sadly no med seems to be able to soothe the pain. But I'm so, so angry because somewhere inside there is little me looking at me and asking me, why did it have to end up like this? What for? We had to fight a lot since we were born, and we did and we had some great results, but yet everything still has to go to waste.
I feel like I'm grieving myself alredy.. and cherry on the top, freeing myself from this anger and this constant pain will inevitably inflict incredible pain on those around me.
I want the pain to end, of course. But I'm sad, because I feel like I had a lot of potential as a person. I come from a complicated family, but I think I did a lot of work to try and be a better person, to break the cycle. I was getting my degree, I had started teaching in a high school (and absolutely ADORED teaching). I had a lot of ideas, projects, stuff I want to learn. So, in a way, I'm mad I want/need to die, because all of that is going to waste. There is an alternate universe somewhere where i never got sick, where I'm not in 10/10 pain everyday, where I got to get my degree and have new kids to teach to, where I have started all those project (though, knowing myself, I don't think I finished any ahaha). In that timeline I am able to keep working on myself, to build an imperfect life but full of things, to never stop growing. It was all perfectly doable, I was on track to do it in my life, but now with an incurable (but not deathly) illness all i can do is suffer every day and see life pass why, lying in bed, thinking about what it could have been.
How do you get over that. I know there is no cure, and I know my body is getting more and more tired. I can't mentally stand the pain anymore, I feel I'm going mad and sadly no med seems to be able to soothe the pain. But I'm so, so angry because somewhere inside there is little me looking at me and asking me, why did it have to end up like this? What for? We had to fight a lot since we were born, and we did and we had some great results, but yet everything still has to go to waste.
I feel like I'm grieving myself alredy.. and cherry on the top, freeing myself from this anger and this constant pain will inevitably inflict incredible pain on those around me.