How do you recover from sexual abuse?

[wantingdignity]

It was a long term partner. It happened last year. We went to therapy after, but the therapist did not take it seriously. I told none of my friends. I tried to forgive him. It took forever for me to feel comfortable sleeping with him again. He ended up dumping me for being suicidal. When I was finally giving him access to my body again, he was planning a way out.

It's been a year now since the incident and only one month since he dumped me.

Last year, I coped by drinking a minimum of one glass of whiskey a day (not one shot, one glass). I missed work. I was hungover for a week after I stopped. I was so lonely, but I couldn't tell anyone. I went to him for comfort. Sex repulsed me for a long time and I hated when anyone touched me.

How do I recover from this? Why do I still want him back? I'm grossed out by him AND I crave him. I want to sleep with anyone else to get him off of me. I want my body to feel like mine. My body and heart are still his. Wherever he is now, he does not care.

 

[timf]

Time and distance can help in healing. When this occurs within a relationship (such as incest or with a significant other) things can get more difficult to untangle. A single incident can sometimes be seen as similar to a car accident, a painful encounter that can take a while to recover from. A relationship involvement can be more like hit by a car and then dragged for months or years.

It can be useful to focus on the other person as a perpetrator and one whose deficiencies caused them to be selfish and insensitive. This can help to disconnect some of the emotional attachment that can tie you mentally to the person and events.

Another mental distancing technique is to reflect on what clues you should have seen to warn you of this persons character.

Sex can greatly confuse things. For example, some people see rape in sexual terms when it is more about someone who wants power over someone else. When sex was mostly in marriage between two people building a life together it was with the expectation of children. Today many people use sex recreationally and that can be confusing for many. One person might see it it an expression of love, another might see it as a way to pass the time.There can be a lot of hurt in a situation where two people have very different ideas about why they are doing what they are doing.

Painful life experiences can be useful to help us learn what not to do again and how to better avoid some of the more dangerous people in life.

 

[aroll]

I'm sorry you went through something like this. The last person gave good advice. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to accept something like that and live on like nothing happened. Time, distance, support from friends/family, healing and at the end acceptance. Take one step at a time. It will be hard and you might relapse, but know that one step is better than none. Set some goals and take your time with them. Good luck and stay safe xoxo

 

[NiveusAnima]

It took me years and years to finally get comfortable enough with myself that I could have sex again. Even now, I still have a slight fetish of being raped, and the idea of losing power and used is a sickening thing that makes me want to kms, but also arouses me. It's a weird contradiction, and not one I appreciate.

Your body is your own. It's not his, and it never will be. It wasn't when he forced himself on you, and it isn't now. You only feel this way because it's what rape does to people - it eats away at the mind and drives us over the edge. You are in control of your body and your mind. Even if you lose that control, it isn't in his hands. It never will be.

One thing that helped me - not saying it'll be useful for you, but it might - was sex with someone I trusted enough to do BDSM with. It was a confusing mess for a while, but the end result was me being able to control and own that part of myself.

The people who did those things to me will never hold power over me again. Not even if I have to suffer for it. They never owned my body or mind, even if it felt like it was just the way things were meant to be at the time.
Even if those words felt like irreplaceable laws above those given by the government, they were just a cheap method to holding me down.
Even if I felt weak then, I'm not weak now. The last time it happened, I felt my strength being taken from me. I felt weak and scared like I was some helpless kid again.

But I'm not that kid, and you're not his toy anymore. If he doesn't care, you shouldn't, either. Easier said than done, I know, but not impossible. You aren't strong for lifting weights or running for long periods of time. You're strong for managing to survive this long. A whole year! Alcohol or not, you survived. You're stronger than you might think.