How do you recover when you don’t want to?

[salome]

So I've thought about suicide pretty much every day since I was a child (ten or earlier). It's always been a backup plan, kept in my back pocket for when things get too hard, but it's gone now.

The complication is that I have a son. And literally the only thing I can think of that's worse than me living with myself any longer is a little boy growing up wondering why his mom didn't love him enough to stick around.

How can I happily live and love my child when I want to exit so badly?

 

[whatevs]

Anything else you like about existing other than being a mother? You probably will need something more to 'recover'.

 

[salome]

Honestly, I couldn't even say I like being a mother - while I couldn't imagining breathing in and out if my son wasn't around, I know I'm so so bad at it.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

You can at least try. It's never too late for that. You could try psicoterapy and medication and see how you feel. I think that having a son is a good reason to hold down.

 

[Smart No More]

Having loved ones that benefit from my existence is the only thing really stopping me exiting right now. I know how you feel. How old is your son?

Sounds complicated for you if you truly are a bad mother. I think most people/parents find themselves feeling that way and as though they somehow fudging it because they don't feel ready or 'qualified'. People that claim with gusto to be wonderful parents quite often aren't the wondermum/dad they think. In my experience they're often toxic. The fact you give a shit and are open to being flawed suggest (to me) that you probably do a better job than you think.

Love and kindness are the most important to a growing child. Financial security is ideal but not the be all, end all so long as they're fed and clothed. Kids can be cruel to their parents during their formative years but, assuming you provide unconditional love and kindness they'll usually come round and ask forgiveness for their teen angst. Might take a little while.

I know that's not the question. Just though it might be helpful info.

Have you spoken with anyone about this. Like a doctor or specialist. Could be some form of post natal depression. Not sure what your mental health situation is or what it is that makes you want to exit. For me it's health issues. Unfortunately mental health meds aren't what I need. They may work for you though. There are services out there specifically foe people in your frame of mind. Have you already been through that system? If not, and your issues are depression based then maybe that's what you need. Meds may help you keep the status quo for the foreseeable future. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's the only way I manage. It's grim but it works. With the help of meds (which tbh I'm not always a proponent for) you may find yourself in a better place. I will just say, be careful how much you divulge with professionals. You can take it as close to the line as you're comfortable with but avoid admitting the desire to ctb unless you feel you might do it imminently and there's a risk to your sons well being as a result. Hope that's not patronising to say. Things get messy in even the most diligent and sensible minds when you're at that point with things.

 

[salome]

My son is 7. I had the kitchen sink thrown at me post-natally in terms of mental health care, I was admitted to a mother and baby unit for 3 months with him and I was diagnosed with OCD on top of the depression and anxiety I've always had.

I've had periods of crisis team involvement and therapy since then and I just don't think there's a way forward in terms of recovery. I take the drugs that keep me relatively stable and I function from day to day in terms of working and keeping my child happy and alive.

I know he loves me. And I love him desperately but I know he deserves better. But if I died it's not like another mother would be waiting in the wings for him. So I'm trapped.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm not a parent /father so I can't truly comment on your situation,. But it sounds to me like you are doing the best you possibly can. Keep on keeping on and take care of yourself if possible.

Thoughts and prayers -

 

[motel rooms]

So I've thought about suicide pretty much every day since I was a child (ten or earlier).

Honestly, I couldn't even say I like being a mother - while I couldn't imagining breathing in and out if my son wasn't around, I know I'm so so bad at it.

Why do I have a feeling you didn't want to become a mother? Please take care of yourself, that's the best thing you can do for your son.

 

[Pluto]

I've known other mothers in the same situation, and a large part of the problem is that society taboos open discussion on these topics. If there are maternal support groups in your area, that might be the best means of hopefully forging meaningful connections with others.

 

[salome]

Why do I have a feeling you didn't want to become a mother? Please take care of yourself, that's the best thing you can do for your son.

My son was unplanned. It's true. I definitely wanted to be a mother one day, I just thought I'd be more well before I did.

I've known other mothers in the same situation, and a large part of the problem is that society taboos open discussion on these topics. If there are maternal support groups in your area, that might be the best means of hopefully forging meaningful connections with others.

It was definitely a huge help in the immediate post-natal period. The other women I met in some of my groups were amazing. I'll have to research whether there's any such thing for parents of older children.