ihatemen420
weed addict, antinatalist, loser
- Jan 8, 2021
- 30
Well, here's my story. Sometime in around 2017 or 2018 I accepted the inevitability of suicide and decided to give up on my life.
However, the shame of knowing that I am openly leeching off of my loving parents for years and contributing very little in return has caused my self esteem to go into the fucking toilet, which in turn has caused me to become even more depressed and pull away from hobbies and skills, allowing my mind to stagnate.
Anyways a couple months ago I started to realize living like this was fucking cringe, I am a loser who should be ashamed of myself, and I need to either nut up (kill myself for real, family be damned) or shut up (go recover and get brainwashed by a therapist and normalpilled by a psychiatrist).
The thing is, if I killed myself for real, somebody would have to explain that to my severely autistic intellectually disabled younger siblings? And I cannot possibly imagine subjecting someone to that? Like it or not, I was born to take care of them for the rest of their natural lives, and that is what I must do.
It seems that growing up is about realizing that you have to just put your head down and accept the role that you were born into. It seems cruel that we give kids all these stories about characters striving and becoming more than the sum of their parts, something to aspire to, and then leave them to figure out on their own as adults that those aspirations are impossible. But that's just me thinking out loud.
Basically, how do you accept that life is just a whole bunch of suffering and being used by others and distracting yourself until your body fails and you die?
Also, how do you make a doctors appointment. And when you're in there with the doctor, can you just ask them to refer you to specialists like a cardiologist, psychiatrist, or whatever. The psychiatrist is important because I need to be drugged into submission in order to cope with this life. Lol. Thanks to anyone who actually read all of this shit and peace out.
However, the shame of knowing that I am openly leeching off of my loving parents for years and contributing very little in return has caused my self esteem to go into the fucking toilet, which in turn has caused me to become even more depressed and pull away from hobbies and skills, allowing my mind to stagnate.
Anyways a couple months ago I started to realize living like this was fucking cringe, I am a loser who should be ashamed of myself, and I need to either nut up (kill myself for real, family be damned) or shut up (go recover and get brainwashed by a therapist and normalpilled by a psychiatrist).
The thing is, if I killed myself for real, somebody would have to explain that to my severely autistic intellectually disabled younger siblings? And I cannot possibly imagine subjecting someone to that? Like it or not, I was born to take care of them for the rest of their natural lives, and that is what I must do.
It seems that growing up is about realizing that you have to just put your head down and accept the role that you were born into. It seems cruel that we give kids all these stories about characters striving and becoming more than the sum of their parts, something to aspire to, and then leave them to figure out on their own as adults that those aspirations are impossible. But that's just me thinking out loud.
Basically, how do you accept that life is just a whole bunch of suffering and being used by others and distracting yourself until your body fails and you die?
Also, how do you make a doctors appointment. And when you're in there with the doctor, can you just ask them to refer you to specialists like a cardiologist, psychiatrist, or whatever. The psychiatrist is important because I need to be drugged into submission in order to cope with this life. Lol. Thanks to anyone who actually read all of this shit and peace out.
