How do you work when you're constantly depressed and thinking about the bus?

[Kornous]

Hello. How do users of this site find the strength to work with all the anxiety, the complete lack of meaning, the endless "why" question, the unwillingness to live? It essentially crushes your will, and your already suffering psyche is subjected to even more stress by having to perform actions simply to maintain life, the value of which has long been lost. How do you cope with the sense of meaninglessness of the duties you perform? Or are you on welfare? Do you feel ashamed that all "normal" people work and are even proud of it, and "hypothetically" after death, if you leave this point in the note, people will say: he died because he did not want to work. This is not even a tragedy. He is a parasite.

 

[Johnzaga23]

I don't. I gave up two months ago. No I don't care about what those suckers say. I see them pro-lifers everyday on the bus. Sleepless, drained and lifeless robot. Is this what life is? Is this what you're cheering for? I believe that wanting to live is a mental illness. Depression is not a mental illness, its the lack of it. Life is absurd and irrational. It doesn't make sense.

 

[purelydaft]

I don't think it matters what people think after you've died. That said, few people are going to speak ill of the dead, no matter their true opinions.

 

[Johnzaga23]

I don't think it matters what people think after you've died. That said, few people are going to speak ill of the dead, no matter their true opinions.

fr. OP must do a little introspection. Caring about such vein stuff like the opinions of others when youre close to the end, is stupid.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

You really don't think about work or you don't really work if you wanna catch the bus. The harsh reality is that for you to "succeed" according to society you need to actually like living in these parameters, now someone might say, but you like X and Y, because you were taught at a young age and now these are the only things that you can do to separate yourself from reality, it's nigh impossible to learn something or do anything when you truly know that you are going to commit suicide. It's like going to the cheese store when you are lactose intolerant, why would you ever do that? some might say , why not? or just for fun but these are all copes, in a vacuum, in an objective machine like view , there is no point of going to the cheese store if you have lactose intolerance. The same with not wanting to live and feeling pressured to take part in society. There is no point. Humans are just good copers because they don't wanna go insane from the reality of it all.

Edit: either good copers or they were born lucky enough to not care , be psychopathic/sociopathic and not caring about others or be dumb enough to not understand.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Firstly, it's probably relevant to say that I intend to wait for my Dad to die before I can so for now, I feel obliged to live and obliged to work. So- suicide is a constant want but, not a realistic one.

But, to get myself to work, I contemplate failure and that bothers me more. I work from home though so, it's more tempting to just not get up in the morning, start work late. Procrastinate. But yeah, my fear of failure and letting people down (maybe thankfully) scares me into action.

I use a lot of distraction tactics and bribes on myself too. I usually put music or films, TV, podcasts on in the background to distract myself and I bribe myself with food and take aways. Breakfast is my bribe to get myself out of bed in the mornings.

As to why I don't give up all together, my parents wouldn't let me go destitute exactly but they simply couldn't support me forever. They're retired. Plus, the shit they would give me would probably be so much worse than just gritting my teeth and bearing it. I wouldn't qualify for benefits.

Unfortunately, my definition of an 'essential task' has narrowed right down to washing myself and my clothes fairly frequently and doing my job. So, now that a major project is finished and I finally have time to tidy and clean the house, do the gardening- I'm procrastinating on here instead.

It desperately needs doing though. My back is starting to hurt from just lying still so- maybe that will motivate me.
My shitty tax return is also pressing but not doing that ultimately leads in prison time I'm assuming so- that will motivate me there.

It's a struggle though. Everything is. I'm just brimming with resentment at my parents for bringing me into this most of the time. Which is horrible in itself because I don't like feeling angry with them either. It's got increasingly harder the last few years though.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I quit my job about a year ago because I was too depressed and couldn't keep going. It was a meaningfull, well paid job but my brain stopped functioning well enough to keep up. I wish I could work, but I don't have any energy and I'm suffering from cognitive decline. Now I live with my parents, and my wife is helping to support me even though we're separated. If I decided to live I would need to get on disability for my bipolar, it doesn't provide enough income to live on though. My current plan is to CTB because this life with severe mental illness and constant anguish is too much for me to bear.

 

[CallmeWill4719]

Hello. How do users of this site find the strength to work with all the anxiety, the complete lack of meaning, the endless "why" question, the unwillingness to live? It essentially crushes your will, and your already suffering psyche is subjected to even more stress by having to perform actions simply to maintain life, the value of which has long been lost. How do you cope with the sense of meaninglessness of the duties you perform? Or are you on welfare? Do you feel ashamed that all "normal" people work and are even proud of it, and "hypothetically" after death, if you leave this point in the note, people will say: he died because he did not want to work. This is not even a tragedy. He is a parasite.

Sitting here wondering the same thing. Wondering how I'm supposed to go back to being a wagie after months of workers comp. mental health is trash. physical not much better. thoughts of constantly hanging myself. pretending I'm allright has gotten so old.

 

[Kornous]

I don't. I gave up two months ago. No I don't care about what those suckers say. I see them pro-lifers everyday on the bus. Sleepless, drained and lifeless robot. Is this what life is? Is this what you're cheering for? I believe that wanting to live is a mental illness. Depression is not a mental illness, its the lack of it. Life is absurd and irrational. It doesn't make sense.

You perceive life as something "rational" and "logical", but you seem to forget that logic and rationality are just tools that a person has invented to justify EMOTIONS and FEELINGS, as well as justify his path to achieving these goals.
"I believe that the desire to live is a mental illness."
- You are trying to find that goal - the meaning of life, which can only be found in your own positive emotions (when emotions are positive - a person is happy, wants to live and function normally), but at the same time you deny these emotions in favor of logic, which you absolutely do not need. I think you just have a problem with your brain and hormones.
Everything that prevents you from living normally is your illness. And depression is definitely not an objective thing.

 

[Kornous]

fr. OP must do a little introspection. Caring about such vein stuff like the opinions of others when youre close to the end, is stupid.

Apparently, you are close to suicide, and yet you write on this forum. Therefore, you care about other people's opinions (if you did not, you would have done your job long ago). This looks a little stupid indeed.

 

[Kornous]

It's a struggle though. Everything is. I'm just brimming with resentment at my parents for bringing me into this most of the time. Which is horrible in itself because I don't like feeling angry with them either. It's got increasingly harder the last few years though.

Did I understand correctly that judging from the text - they even allow you to live with you? Why are you angry with them?

 

[lawlietsph]

I don't know but I want what these people have.
I simply CANNOT function in a regular work place. My only option would be a factory or something like that and I just CAN'T even bear the thought of a life like that. Home office jobs are non existent in my country, only if you are really smart and your profession is bookkeeping or a Java developer, that's when you can work from home.
I am suffering, I am in pain, I am miserable, absolutely devastated and in a horrifying state of mind because of my unemployed stupid ass. It has been the case for years now, only being able to find some part-time tasks here and there so I'm sometimes able to pay back tiny tiny tiny parts of my debt or buy some food but THAT'S IT.
Dear society, even if you label me as lazy, stupid, I CANNOT FUNCTION IN A REGULAR WORKPLACE. I DON'T WANT TO TRAVEL 2 HOURS DAILY TO GO TO A FACTORY, BEING TOLD WHEN I CAN GO TO PEE OR EAT, NO NO NO NO NO EVEN IF YOU TORTURE ME, KILL ME, SPIT ON ME, HATE ME, I. AM. NOT. ABLE. TO. DO. IT. I'D RATHER STAB MYSELF IN THE HEAD THAN TO WORK A 9-5 AND IF IT MAKES ME LAZY THEN SO BE IT I KNOW I AM NOT LAZY STOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT ALREADY "Work harderrrrr yeaaah I'm a hard working persoooon"
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DON'T WORTH MORE JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE THIS KIND OF LIFESTYLE LEAVE ME ALONE

sorry, I am really sorry. I'm angry as hell. money is the reason i'll be ctb. i can't do this life anymore everything hurts too much... I am really sorry but I'm suffering so much and it hurts and I just want to make it stop........ being poor, always always being poor.... wearing the same clothes I did years ago. having one single pair of shoes for summer-autumn-winter-spring.. always always worrying if my pets are going to be sick because I can't afford vet bills anymore... not seeing properly with my old fucking glasses.. seeing how my mother fucking hates me because i am an ugly and stupid worm who still lives with her.. being poor, no matter how hard I try, ALWAYS ALWAYS BEING AND STAYING POOR. I hate this life so much, it is a fucking torture. i am so sorry op for my bullshit. I am so sorry that I can't be normal just like everyone else.

 

[Kornous]

Я не знаю, но я хочу того, что есть у этих людей.
Я просто НЕ МОГУ функционировать на обычном рабочем месте. Моим единственным вариантом была бы фабрика или что-то в этом роде, и я просто НЕ МОГУ вынести даже мысли о такой жизни. В моей стране нет работы в домашнем офисе, только если вы действительно умны и ваша профессия бухгалтер или Java-разработчик, тогда вы можете работать из дома.
Я страдаю, мне больно, я несчастен, абсолютно опустошен и нахожусь в ужасающем состоянии ума из-за моей безработной тупой задницы. Так было в течение многих лет, я мог найти только некоторые подработки здесь и там, поэтому иногда мне удается погасить крошечные части своего долга или купить немного еды, но ЭТО ВСЕ.
Дорогое общество, даже если вы навешиваете на меня ярлык ленивого, глупого, Я НЕ МОГУ ФУНКЦИОНИРОВАТЬ НА ОБЫЧНОМ РАБОЧЕМ МЕСТЕ. Я НЕ ХОЧУ ЕЗДИТЬ ПО 2 ЧАСА В ДЕНЬ, ЧТОБЫ ПОЕХАТЬ НА ФАБРИКУ, КОГДА МНЕ ГОВОРЯТ, КОГДА Я МОГУ ПОЙТИ ПОПИСАТЬ ИЛИ ПОЕСТЬ, НЕТ-НЕТ-НЕТ, ДАЖЕ ЕСЛИ ВЫ ПЫТАЕТЕ МЕНЯ, УБИВАЕТЕ МЕНЯ, ПЛЕВАЕТЕ НА МЕНЯ, НЕНАВИДИТЕ МЕНЯ, Я ЕСТЬ. НЕТ. СПОСОБЕН. КОМУ. ДЕЛАЙТЕ. ЭТО. Я ЛУЧШЕ ВОНШУ СЕБЕ НОЖ В ГОЛОВУ, ЧЕМ БУДУ РАБОТАТЬ С 9 ДО 5, И ЕСЛИ ЭТО ДЕЛАЕТ МЕНЯ ЛЕНИВЫМ, ТО ТАК ТОМУ И БЫТЬ, Я ЗНАЮ, ЧТО Я НЕ ЛЕНИВЫЙ, ПРЕКРАТИТЕ УЖЕ С ЭТОЙ ЕРУНДОЙ: «Работай усерднееррр"
ЗАТКНИСЬ, БЛЯДЬ, ТЫ НЕ СТОИШЬ БОЛЬШЕГО ТОЛЬКО ПОТОМУ, ЧТО ВЫБИРАЕШЬ ТАКОЙ ОБРАЗ ЖИЗНИ, ОСТАВЬ МЕНЯ В ПОКОЕ

извините, мне очень жаль. Я чертовски зол. Деньги — это причина, по которой я буду работать в CTB. Я больше не могу жить этой жизнью, все слишком болит... Мне очень жаль, но я так сильно страдаю, и мне больно, и я просто хочу, чтобы это прекратилось........ быть бедным, всегда быть бедным... в той же одежде, что и много лет назад. Наличие одной единственной пары обуви на лето-осень-зиму-весну. всегда беспокоюсь, что мои питомцы заболеют, потому что я больше не могу позволить себе счета за ветеринара... не видит нормально в моих старых гребаных очках. Видя, как моя мать, черт возьми, ненавидит меня, потому что я уродливый и глупый червь, который до сих пор живет с ней. быть бедным, как бы я ни старался, ВСЕГДА БЫТЬ И ОСТАВАТЬСЯ БЕДНЫМ. Я так ненавижу эту жизнь, что это чертова пытка. Мне так жаль, что я за свою чушь. Мне очень жаль, что я не могу быть нормальной, как все остальные.

Если я Вас правильно понял, у меня тоже проблемы с пониманием элементарных вещей, которые вроде бы все знают от рождения, но которые мне не доступны. Когда все все поняли, я была просто в шоке, что ТАК ПРОСТО ПОНЯТЬ НЕВОЗМОЖНО.

 

[cheshirecat128]

OP I don't think what I'm going to say is popular, but you could go see a psych if you still have insurance. Your primary concern, in this thread, is your inability to function at work the way you want to be functioning.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Did I understand correctly that judging from the text - they even allow you to live with you? Why are you angry with them?

I live alone.

Angry in terms of an antinatilist rant in part as in- I don't really understand why anyone brings a child into this world. But, there are a few other things too.

I want to emphasize here though that I never have behaved in an angry way towards my parents. Not even as a teenager and the typical: 'I hate you' rants. All of my anger is kept tightly repressed. I've also hung on for 34 years (ideation started age 10) for the sake of my Dad. It's a complicated love and secretive partly resentful relationship. But, hopefully that demonstrates I'm not an angry bitch in how I behave. It's more that it's bubbling deep down.

My real Mum died when I was 3. She was diagnosed with cancer at the same time she found out she was pregnant. I can sort of understand why she didn't want to kill her baby- so, she delayed having chemo. She in particular always wanted children. Maybe they were both complete optimists but I wonder if it even crossed their minds that she'd die and I'd grow up without her.

My Dad later remarried and I get the impression, despite knowing it himself and other people warning him, I ended up with a (suspected) narcissist in the family. The bullying started then which he claimed to know nothing about (despite people telling him.) Then, when it all came to a head and they accused me of something he must have known through and through I wouldn't do, he took their side. So really, forever after, I'd say we were all on rocky ground.

So, it's resentment on a number of levels really. I just resent having life and being expected to be confident and successful and self sufficient and effectively- stronger than he was if I'm honest. He's annoyed when I'm afraid of people and things when his compliant, enabling behaviour absolutely spells fear to me. But yeah, the irony is, I also love him to bits. (Although it obviously doesn't sound like I do! The proof is I'm still alive though. Despite not wanting to be for 34 years.) Sorry for the vent but hopefully, that explains part of it.

 

[Kornous]

OP I don't think what I'm going to say is popular, but you could go see a psych if you still have insurance. Your primary concern, in this thread, is your inability to function at work the way you want to be functioning.

Thanks for the answer. I've been treated by a psychiatrist for many years. It doesn't help. It's just that the understanding of meaninglessness has become part of my ideology, my understanding of the world. If nothing brings pleasure, then there are problems with the brain. But I don't even know what exactly is wrong.

 

[Zanmato]

It's really hard.
I remember that my "depression" (or whatever it is) increased a lot around 2 or 3 months ago.
Everyday, when I came back home, I felt so drained, with no energy.
And sometimes, customers didn't help at all.
And yeah, there were days where I thought: I can't do this anymore, I'll quit when my contract is over.

Noe, I wonder how it'll go on "Christmas Holiday".
Or when, usually, my "depression" increase a lot (around the beginning of February. I don't know why, in last few years it happened, all of a sudden)

 

[Suspect_Device]

It's like swimming against the tide when I don't even want to get back to shore most days. And then my chronic neck pain acts up reminding me that things will never get better only worse and I come closer to drowning. It's exhausting like a waking nightmare. No one knows but me and everyone thinks I'm weird or whatever. No motherfuckers I'm suffering someone please just put a bullet in my brain.

 

[Rev346]

At times it's difficult but at other times it's my solace. When I'm focused in on a project I forget about everything else. Sometimes work is the highlight of my day because it's only me and my project and some good music.

 

[Johnzaga23]

You perceive life as something "rational" and "logical", but you seem to forget that logic and rationality are just tools that a person has invented to justify EMOTIONS and FEELINGS, as well as justify his path to achieving these goals.
"I believe that the desire to live is a mental illness."
- You are trying to find that goal - the meaning of life, which can only be found in your own positive emotions (when emotions are positive - a person is happy, wants to live and function normally), but at the same time you deny these emotions in favor of logic, which you absolutely do not need. I think you just have a problem with your brain and hormones.
Everything that prevents you from living normally is your illness. And depression is definitely not an objective thing.

"logic and rationallity are just tools that a person has invented to justify EMOTIONS and FEELINGS"
thats a wild statement. I don't have much to say on that. I guess maths are also emotional by this statement.

I believe that life is unessesary suffering and that non existence is objectively better. No one complained for not existing. Living is a mental illness because it requires coping mechanisms in order to live "normally". Coping is cognitive dissonance.

Apparently, you are close to suicide, and yet you write on this forum. Therefore, you care about other people's opinions (if you did not, you would have done your job long ago). This looks a little stupid indeed.

im on this forum to discuss methods and morals and such. Not caring what people think doesnt mean not discussing and not evaluating the opinions of others. I take your opinion, I process it, and see if its true or false. Not caring about what people think means not caring about your reputation and such vein stuff.

 

[arandomname]

Depression hasn't really affected my ability to work (worked the majority of time I've been "depressed" and performed well) but maybe I just enjoy my job? What has impacted my ability to work was no longer having a reason to and it started to feel pointless.

 

[greebo6]

Almost impossible. You just keep giving up or getting fired.

 

[Kornous]

"logic and rationallity are just tools that a person has invented to justify EMOTIONS and FEELINGS"
thats a wild statement. I don't have much to say on that. I guess maths are also emotional by this statement.

Remember why mathematics was created. You look only at finite things, without understanding why they are needed. My statement is wild because it is correct.

I believe that life is unessesary suffering and that non existence is objectively better. No one complained for not existing. Living is a mental illness because it requires coping mechanisms in order to live "normally". Coping is cognitive dissonance.

This is only your faith, not supported by anything except your worldview. Everyone has a different one. Talking about some kind of logic in this case is not correct - because this is, as you said, ordinary faith and feelings. The fact that you need to "overcome" does not mean that you need to "suffer". This is only your worldview, your worldview, I repeat - do not speak for everyone. If you really feel as bad as you write - you would not be on the forum. Your actions do not confirm your words.

im on this forum to discuss methods and morals and such. Not caring what people think doesnt mean not discussing and not evaluating the opinions of others. I take your opinion, I process it, and see if its true or false. Not caring about what people think means not caring about your reputation and such vein stuff.

You just wrote that non-existence is better - but you did not follow your principles. The best way to prove your point of view is not to prove it to others (the path of literally attracting the attention of a person because of his own complexes), but to yourself.
To look at "is it true or false" is the same absurd statement. Truth and lies are different for everyone - it depends only on how an individual perceives this world, therefore it is subjective.

 

[CatLvr]

I might have missed it but I don't know what kind of job you have but my work (which was very intellectually challenging) actually kept my mind off my suicidal thoughts.

 

[divinemistress36]

I had to go on disabilty cause of my depression

 

[Kornous]

I had to go on disabilty cause of my depression

Wow. I wish I could get disability for depression.

 

[Kornous]

I might have missed it but I don't know what kind of job you have but my work (which was very intellectually challenging) actually kept my mind off my suicidal thoughts.

What do you do for a living?

 

[CatLvr]

What do you do for a living?

Did. I'm close enough to 70, we might as well "call it" lol. I was a paralegal.

 

[divinemistress36]

Wow. I wish I could get disability for depression.

Its a very long process. Took 3 years to get . 2 hearings with judges and the pay is awful

 

[TheHolySword]

I don't know. I just show up every day. It's better than wallowing in my depression at home alone with nothing to do. At least I'm making money to leave behind when I'm gone. My life has no meaning, no purpose. Whether I work or don't changes nothing. But not working would be so much worse for me so I'll do it until I'm gone.