Venting How does one cope with being lonely without just talking to other people?

[UndyingPharaoh]

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that close friends I genuinely want to be around come by once in a blue moon and a lover is completely out of the question. It's just not in the cards for me. Every source I can find online that details coping with chronic loneliness stems from the idea of "leaning back on other people who will support you" but does anybody have an alternative for those who either don't have that option or just don't want to interact with those who want to interact with us? How can I live alone?

 

[offbalance]

I really don't have a concrete answer for you because loneliness is as unhealthy as cigarettes (so I hear). So I would advise you try to find someone, but as for advice on living alone, I would suggest self love and immersing yourself in hobbies. Learn to really love and appreciate yourself. It's hard though I feel it… sorry I don't have any other advice, that's the most immediate answer that came to mind. Also contempt for others helps me, but idk if I'd advise that. But it helps to see others shortcomings

 

[TBONTB]

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that close friends I genuinely want to be around come by once in a blue moon and a lover is completely out of the question. It's just not in the cards for me. Every source I can find online that details coping with chronic loneliness stems from the idea of "leaning back on other people who will support you" but does anybody have an alternative for those who either don't have that option or just don't want to interact with those who want to interact with us? How can I live alone?

Well, I don't know. I'm just making something up.

Do you go out? If so is it possible to go somewhere people are...not to make buddies with them but simply to be around humans. A park, a coffee shop, a gym, even a class or "meet-up"

If that's not what you are asking, if it's more, how do I get comfy with being alone...let's leave that to someone else.

 

[Ethel]

I like to explore the world, be it virtual or irl

The sense of seeing new things brings peace and some hobbies like cooking and trying new foods make life a little more exciting

 

[Siegfrida]

I would say just go somewhere where you can hang out with people, but it depends on what's available around you and how good your health is... But there are things like group therapy, men's circles, women's circles, arts and crafts courses, Toastmasters meetings, dance classes, contact improvisation, theatre improvisation, people who go hiking together in order to make new friends, etc. It depends on what is interesting for you, but if you have at least a few interests, there is a good chance that at least one of them is something that people do together and that there are some meetings for that. But I know they are often hard to find because you have to know precisely what you are searching for.
Good luck from someone who's suffered from loneliness my whole life.

 

[Wrath]

Everybody like me is already dead, dying, or in their room right now like me. I'm never finding them. At this point I don't think I can make friends with anyone that can even go outside like a normal person. They just wouldn't get it. That'll probably keep me friendless and loveless until my date, but if I can't find someone as broken as me, then I'd rather be alone than have to be around people who look at me like the freak I am.
My solution to dealing with loneliness is psychosis, absolute daydreaming delusions, and finding reasons to like staying inside. That's what I do, it's definitely not healthy, but with my autism or whatever I have, it's the only thing that seems to work.
There's really not a replacement for those things, if you're lacking it, there isn't really an alternative. It will be a hole to stay. Like being born without legs, everyone else has them, but you're never running a marathon no matter how hard you try, because there are no legs. I think that's what it's like sometimes.

 

[CumbriaCTB]

Let me give you an answer that actually properly answers your question (doesn't involve talking to people, whether in-person or online, or even going outside): masturbation. No, really, I'm deathly serious. People like us don't have many options after all and so we're forced to cope the best we can.

I know from first-hand experience that loneliness just straight-up causes brain damage and that, even if you had hobbies before, you're eventually going to lose the capacity to enjoy anything that doesn't involve people in some way because your body is demanding that you go find people to continue the species with and won't let you enjoy anything else until you do. I'd say the only exception to this rule are certain types of Autistic people who lack any social instinct and can pursue their "special interest" alone without feeling lonely at all.

When you're genuinely lonely and socialising isn't an option, the only real long-term option, especially if you happen to be an extrovert like me, is some sort of chemical high to cover the pain. Obviously, I don't advise drugs/alcohol to achieve this chemical high as they will give you cancer and all sorts of health issues. Getting your body to make happy chemicals on it's own is obviously way healthier and, like I said earlier, our options are pretty limited.

Now, I don't know whether you're male or female (I speak as a woman here) but when you orgasm, whether with a partner or alone, your body produces tons of oxytocin (the love hormone) which, at least temporarily, makes you feel less lonely as your body can't tell the difference between that and actual sexual intercourse. Add a weighted blanket to the equation and it sends all the right signals to your body. Oh, and a slower build-up gives you a greater oxytocin release so take it nice and slow - try to relax a bit if you can. I personally can't make it work unless I'm wearing earphones and listening to spicy audio (r/GoneWildAudio) which I recommend as hearing a loving voice can do wonders for your monkey brain even if it is ultimately fake.

Another thing: you'll want to start learning to cook and eat healthy if you aren't eating a healthy diet already. A small amount of exercise (this can literally just be doing house chores quicker than you usually would) to get the blood pumping also helps. You'll want to do these things to increase your libido as the survival strategy here is to just start masturbating whenever you feel the loneliness getting too much.

Is it sad? Yeah, I felt pretty sad typing this and having my cope broken down into paragraphs on a screen makes me realise how fake it all is but, if it's any solace, I've managed to "play the social game" (pretending to be normal) and get people to like me before... it's all fake all as too (and takes soooo much more effort to maintain) which is why I gave up on that avenue. At the end of the day, do what you need to do to make the bad feelings go away... even if it is sad and fake.

Sincerely,
CumbriaCTB

 

[Fe(IV)]

I'm not going to say it's the best or it's a proper substitute, but informal/anon communties online where you have just enough human interaction but not too personal interactions.

So, forums like SaSu, reddit, large discord communities where you can pitch in whenever, large MMO guilds... It's still very lonely but it's just enough socialization for me to not completely lose my marbles.

Though, truth be told, I have asperger's so my natural connection-forming skills are unreliable, and that's why I resort to these alternative, low-stakes methods.

 

[slitwristsbleedcold]

I feel like sometimes, being alone isn't so bad, most connections are temporary and fake regardless

i reputate genuine connection only two people that speak and interact with each other out of pure likeness, and nothing else, as example a workplace forcing them to speak or it's awkward, thats fake for me

plus, if you're unhappy now, i don't think having someone will make you happy, right?

how to live alone? idk either, but first step is for sure to start relying on you and you only

i might be wrong, if so, sorry

 

[chudeatte]

im pretty alone too, but I like it because I dont really like talking to people. im very comfortable in my loneliness and I have made peace with it which you could try to do. but I know im a little odd in that I dont actually want people in my life, so that may not be easy or helpful for you. id say try and find something fulfilling. like a hobby or something. online games are good because you dont always need to talk to people but you can still play with others, and talk if you want to. even this forum is a good thing because you can still socialise whenever you choose to, rather than feel obligated to reply to a friend or something like that. but loneliness is not an easy thing to fix, I used to always think about it before I got past it and didnt care

 

[[Lord Void]]

I used to be able to bury myself in interests, but that was before I became depressed. Truth be told, nothing really helps. Sure I can do stuff to try and distract me but I'm just floating from one moment to the next and it doesn't really matter what I'm doing.

 

[kopebaldy]

I talk to the only bitch I can rely on, myself.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm kind of lucky in that I am alone- live alone, work alone. Friends and family are hundreds of miles away and, I haven't bothered making new friends here. But, I don't tend to feel lonely much.

I suppose I wasn't always this self sufficient. I think the break happened when I realised how unreliable people were. So, the hurt from that made me realise I shouldn't rely on them to begin with.

I pretty much always have stuff on in the background. Pod casts are good if you feel the need to sense people around. This forum is great to have some honest contact with people. My work is massively demanding too so- that sucks up a lot of my time. I love to loose myself in video games when I can too.

Really though- if you can't see it ever being ok, then I think you need to work in the other direction. Try to find more people you can be around- clubs, sports, short courses, social groups- whatever. In the hopes that at least one or two will be more reliable.

 

[UndyingPharaoh]

Let me give you an answer that actually properly answers your question (doesn't involve talking to people, whether in-person or online, or even going outside): masturbation. No, really, I'm deathly serious. People like us don't have many options after all and so we're forced to cope the best we can.

I know from first-hand experience that loneliness just straight-up causes brain damage and that, even if you had hobbies before, you're eventually going to lose the capacity to enjoy anything that doesn't involve people in some way because your body is demanding that you go find people to continue the species with and won't let you enjoy anything else until you do. I'd say the only exception to this rule are certain types of Autistic people who lack any social instinct and can pursue their "special interest" alone without feeling lonely at all.

When you're genuinely lonely and socialising isn't an option, the only real long-term option, especially if you happen to be an extrovert like me, is some sort of chemical high to cover the pain. Obviously, I don't advise drugs/alcohol to achieve this chemical high as they will give you cancer and all sorts of health issues. Getting your body to make happy chemicals on it's own is obviously way healthier and, like I said earlier, our options are pretty limited.

Now, I don't know whether you're male or female (I speak as a woman here) but when you orgasm, whether with a partner or alone, your body produces tons of oxytocin (the love hormone) which, at least temporarily, makes you feel less lonely as your body can't tell the difference between that and actual sexual intercourse. Add a weighted blanket to the equation and it sends all the right signals to your body. Oh, and a slower build-up gives you a greater oxytocin release so take it nice and slow - try to relax a bit if you can. I personally can't make it work unless I'm wearing earphones and listening to spicy audio (r/GoneWildAudio) which I recommend as hearing a loving voice can do wonders for your monkey brain even if it is ultimately fake.

Another thing: you'll want to start learning to cook and eat healthy if you aren't eating a healthy diet already. A small amount of exercise (this can literally just be doing house chores quicker than you usually would) to get the blood pumping also helps. You'll want to do these things to increase your libido as the survival strategy here is to just start masturbating whenever you feel the loneliness getting too much.

Is it sad? Yeah, I felt pretty sad typing this and having my cope broken down into paragraphs on a screen makes me realise how fake it all is but, if it's any solace, I've managed to "play the social game" (pretending to be normal) and get people to like me before... it's all fake all as too (and takes soooo much more effort to maintain) which is why I gave up on that avenue. At the end of the day, do what you need to do to make the bad feelings go away... even if it is sad and fake.

Sincerely,
CumbriaCTB

Hey, not completely unique advice, but I appreciate the time it took to type that all out. I already do that BUT i might look into a weighted blanket. I've tried those audios before but honestly unless its complete hornbait it just makes me feel really sad that I have to listen to a recording instead of being able to do it in person. Thx!

I'm kind of lucky in that I am alone- live alone, work alone. Friends and family are hundreds of miles away and, I haven't bothered making new friends here. But, I don't tend to feel lonely much.

I suppose I wasn't always this self sufficient. I think the break happened when I realised how unreliable people were. So, the hurt from that made me realise I shouldn't rely on them to begin with.

I pretty much always have stuff on in the background. Pod casts are good if you feel the need to sense people around. This forum is great to have some honest contact with people. My work is massively demanding too so- that sucks up a lot of my time. I love to loose myself in video games when I can too.

Really though- if you can't see it ever being ok, then I think you need to work in the other direction. Try to find more people you can be around- clubs, sports, short courses, social groups- whatever. In the hopes that at least one or two will be more reliable.

oh I've tried, i just think i am naturally really anti-social despite having social qualities. I can make friends, I'm 100% capable, and i could probably go out and find someone to date if I really wanted to, I just very rarely meet anybody I want to spend a good amount of time with. I can public speak and I don't really have social anxiety or anything, people just... suck lmao. Most people are just really unlikable I find. So I figure it's easier to just cut them out then to spend time and energy looking for something that isn't there.

 

[CumbriaCTB]

Hey, not completely unique advice, but I appreciate the time it took to type that all out. I already do that BUT i might look into a weighted blanket. I've tried those audios before but honestly unless its complete hornbait it just makes me feel really sad that I have to listen to a recording instead of being able to do it in person. Thx!

Honestly, the weighted blanket is a really big thing and it's a shame that I kept it as a sidenote instead of bringing more attention to it. I often take my weighted blanket for granted... until I'm somewhere else and I don't have it. It not only reduces loneliness but really any negative emotion. I've even had some (slim) success with reduce PTSD flashbacks with it - not by much but I definitely noticed that most of my flashbacks happen when I'm in other rooms of the house even though I spend most of my days in bed.

Oh, yeah, the "boyfriend experience" audios are physically painful to listen to because I know 100% that I wouldn't have a normal partner like that because (due to mental illness, I guess) I don't find normal people like that attractive even though my life would be objectively easier if I did; it just makes me hate myself on top of aleeady feeling lonely. I even tried the "girlfriend experience" (F4F) audios just to see if that was the problem but, no, I get the same visceral reaction regardless. Heck, the "friendship experience" audios are even worse.

The audio must be hornbait for me too or I'm just going to feel worse. For me personally (you likely differ and your mileage may vary), I prefer either non-con or at the very least dub-con because I'm not the one doing all the work/initiation nor am I expected to be interested in the voice actor (VERY unrealistic for me to have interest in somebody) until like halfway through the audio file, by which point Stockholm Syndrome has already kicked in, so it's far easier to dissociate.

It's also the only proven way I have of connecting with people. No, really: I don't care about people most of the time, even if it would benefit me to do so, but Stockholm Syndrome bypasses my social anhedonia; the only problem is that there were horrific consequences whenever it happened to me in real life and it never worked out long-term because, well, what did I expect from getting involved with people whom I know to be terrible? It's better to just stick to fictional scenarios rather than go through all of that a sixth time.

From my own experience, it's more realistic for someone like me to get into one of these abusive relationships (especially because those people are like flies to honey if they know you're lonely) than it is to get a normal relationship because, not for lack of trying, I can't bring myself to be interested enough when it comes to normal people and it fizzles out on the acquaintence stage. I feel that's the problem with BF/GF experience audios: they're far too fantastical for someone like me to immerse myself into.

oh I've tried, i just think i am naturally really anti-social despite having social qualities. I can make friends, I'm 100% capable, and i could probably go out and find someone to date if I really wanted to, I just very rarely meet anybody I want to spend a good amount of time with. I can public speak and I don't really have social anxiety or anything, people just... suck lmao. Most people are just really unlikable I find. So I figure it's easier to just cut them out then to spend time and energy looking for something that isn't there.

Yeah, this is me too. I can follow the script and get people to like me but, honestly, it's exhausting because, like you, I get nothing out of it most of the time. I don't miss most people when I'm not around them even if they're objectively decent people - nothing wrong with them but nothing good about them either - there's just no pull factor making the juice worth the squeeze. Either I lose interest and leave or they pick up on my lack of interest and leave... same result either way.

Sincerely,
CumbriaCTB