needthebus
Longing to Becoming HRU
- Apr 29, 2024
- 304
I feel so alone right now
I am genetically different. I have never done genetic testing, but likely have some chromosomal abnormalities and have mosaic downs or mosaic trisomy based on the way I look.
I don't want to do genetic testing because I have not found medical information to be private, and once you have a label, it seems to make it's way into public spheres and gets sold to data brokers, even if the data brokers are medical ones which protect the information.
My IQ in certain ways is really normal or very above normal. When it comes to math and logic and things of that nature, I have the abilities of a very smart person. I have horrendous ADHD, although I think my inattention also results from my genetics. It makes holding a job incredibly painful. I also look very different, which makes any role in which I interact with people difficult, because people react to the way I look in different ways. I am facially different at this point.
When I was younger, my face looked only mildly off and at times looked pleasing. As I got older, the genetic damage became much more obvious and my unusual features much more extreme.
During my teenage years and after, I became depressed in part due to social isolation at times, and in part due to ADHD, and partly because people bullied me in different ways because I'm different. I ended up in a mental facility at one point and was diagnosed with different mental health issues.
The problem is, a lot of these mental health issues that I was diagnosed with weren't correct. My situation is I have genetic damage and that's the primary cause of many of my issues. The older I get, the worse it affects me. My memory has also declined greatly. The mental health issues are mostly just a secondary effect of the genetic damage and how people treat me due to the genetic damage, which tends to be even harder because my intelligence is above normal in many ways.
I am terribly unhappy at work. I have been on disability before, but because I was on disability for mental health issues, I had to take mental health medications. Because I have ADHD, my dopamine is actually too low in certain parts of my brain. Because of the mental health diagnosis, if I go on disability, they will want me on dopamine blockers, making my ADHD much worse, and I will lose a lot of my autonomy and independence. Disability also pays very, very little. It's extreme poverty and it's awful.
If I say something like "I want to be on disability, but not on psych meds, because my problems are genetic in nature and the psych meds do more harm for me than good and make life even more unbearable" then what will happen is that 1) they will demand or put pressure on me to get genetically tested and will use results or my own statements to argue a state conservatorship is needed, 2) they will say I still have mental health issues and do better on medications and don't realize it due to a lack of insight, and 3) all of my independence and autonomy will be taken away.
So I can't go on disability, the situation would be much worse, and my mental state tends to deteriorate somewhat with psychiatric medication, but i have no way of proving it, and so my logical abilities would probably decline should I get back on disability. The truth is that if I am horribly depressed and not doing anything, my condition deteriorates. If I don't exercise, if I eat poorly, if I just let myself rot, then I get worse. Psychiatric medication makes me want to just rot, and so even if it results in short-term symptom reductions, it makes my condition get worse over a period of years or months because the medications make me so miserable that my life and consequently my brain decay despite having some symptom reductions. Because I am an unusual case and the best option for treating me is use a very small dose of lithium, monitor lab results, and mostly do nothing despite symptoms, and because doctors always prioritize symptom reduction over long-term patient wellness, I am just fucked. Explaining this to any doctor would be a gamble, and even if I did, I would have to go into concerns about my genetics opening myself up to losing all independence. There is no guarantee I would have the same doctor during all of my care and if I got a different doctor later they could do all sorts of horrible things based on a genetic evaluation. I feel so violated, and I feel my privacy has already been so violated, I just can't put myself into that situation. I am actually better off not taking medication, not on disability, and suffering through work or committing suicide or living in a car or doing anything other than interacting with mental health professionals.
My financial situation is really terrible. Because I am so different looking, I really just want to mostly be left alone. My credit rating sucks because of debt caused by a past medical problem. As a result, I can't easily move to a cheap place unless I get a rent cosigner. I come from an abusive family. They are supportive, but were abusive, and I really want nothing to do with them, I don't want them to know where I live, and I don't even want them as a cosigner on anything because then they would know where I live. Having family members who were abusive to me in my life lowers my self-esteem even more. Complicating matters, the fact that I have avoided psychiatric treatment for many years would be seen as so irresponsible given my prior diagnosis that I could potentially be involuntarily hospitalized just based on not being in treatment, so it's better if they don't know where I am. Given their past abuse, I don't know if they would try to force treatment on me as a form of control or who knows what. I just want them utterly away from me, but also feel sad that I feel that way. I wish I had a family I liked. I don't want to discuss anything with them, it feels like a betrayal of myself to let abusers back into my life, but i also have no one else
I am dealing with progressively worse health due to my genetic conditions. The worst one is rapid memory decline. I have been using off label drugs to try to prevent the decline from getting worse and sometimes it's had some effects. The lack of genetic testing and fears over doctors makes me also unsure of what is causing my symptoms. I am having extreme memory decline at an age at which that is abnormal and if I have mosaic trisomy than it would be expected, but it could be caused by something else. I could have some other horrible condition and it's not being evaluated because I am so scared of doctors and forced treatment.
I am horribly lonely. I've had friends at certain points, but I don't right now, nor do I want any. I don't want to have sex at this point because I'm ugly and I am not at all attracted to ugly people. The sort of people I am attracted to would not want to be with me. I have multiple physical health issues and lack the money to treat them and also, I am afraid to see doctors because it puts me at risk of forced psychiatric treatment. I just see no way out of my isolation.
If I could just exist, and be on disability, and have a place to live that was private, with my own room and bathroom, and not be forced on psychiatric medication, then it's possible I would not want to die. But I see disability as a horrible slippery slope and my hatred of psychiatry is extreme at this point, despite there being nice psychiatrists. With disability, there isn't that much of an option to choose who you get. I also don't really feel like my medical records would stay totally private and wouldn't want genetic testing being something discussed among multiple doctors or clinicians. Doctors and clinicians are not all interchangeable and I've found that the legal and medical community expect me to feel like they are when it comes to medical records. Once I provide medical records to a particular hospital or government organization, I can't demand those records back and say I don't want them to have access anymore, and in fact they are required to keep them, so if I really don't like a new doctor or nurse working at a health group and don't want them to know about my genetic background or that I was abused, I can't say "You know what, this is a bad fit, I actually really don't like how rude you are being and don't want you to have access to records with my trauma, give them back." It's either take it or leave it with the mental health industry, and I'd rather leave it. It's unfortunate because people who take small doses of lithium are much less likely to commit suicide, and I can't take that without being in the system, but it's a choice I've made to abstain from it.
Everyone is so mean to me. A large part of it is the way I look. Because I look ugly, I am expected to be nice and if I am not perfectly nice and polite, people immediately drop me. I don't get the leeway normal people get. People keep me around because of convenience or to use me. My ugliness will only get worse as I age. My situation isn't going to get better or easier, it will just get worse.
Being the victim of sexual violence made me lose a lot of self-confidence. I am the sort of person who really could use support, could use a therapist and having people I can lean on, and because the mental health system is so all-encompassing, I can't really get involved in it a bit without it being a threat to my independence. For instance, if I get a therapist to work through some of my feelings, if I mention suicidal thoughts, I would likely be locked up and drugged with extreme drugs given my prior diagnosis and then suddenly locked into some system in which I can't get off drugs without being non-compliant and potentially re-hospitalized. The fact that most psychiatric medications to treat severe diagnosis and symptoms block dopamine and that I have really low dopamine in my pre-frontal cortex because of ADHD won't matter, they would do the standard medical treatment and if I expressed hesitation I would just be in pain for an even longer period of time as they claim I lack insight.
I really wish I had fallen in love and met someone who treated me nicely. I met some people, but I think to one or two of them I was actually just a joke to them. People have been so fucking mean to me. It's just constant. I come across as incredibly lonely and needy now. I feel it and so do others. It's uncomfortable. I was actually a really nice and cool person in some ways. I didn't deserve to be treated so poorly. I wish I had experienced a nice life.
There are hobbies I am doing lately, but I don't know if I care to continue them. I also have no time due to work. I am in pain recently because of a new injury. Everything feels awful.
The reason I am not committing suicide immediately is there are still a few things I want to do before I die. So I am continuing to push forward so I can do certain things. Every day is a struggle. Work is horrible right now. I am in so much pain. There's absolutely no way I can get support during this time without opening myself up to hospitalization and forced medication that would make things even more torturous. I really wish I had medication to treat my ADHD. I am dealing without having that medication by taking huge amounts of coffee and other stimulants in an effort to push up my prefrontal cortex dopamine and it's negatively impacting my health. If I talked with a clinician they would say I'm being irresponsible, need to take dopamine blockers that feel like torture to someone with ADHD, and I would get put on forced dopamine blockers.
There's no way to discuss any of this with a doctor on my terms. I woud have to share all this information with a doctor, insurance would have access to it, and if I changed doctors then some other horrible person could get access to it, someone mean. People are so mean to me so often, the only control I have is to block mean people from my life, and yet somehow the medical establishment doesn't let me do this, I just have no control at all if I am in that realm.
There are things I don't totally know about my condition and also my ADHD. I don't know if there are dopamine blockers that are selective enough to not impact the prefrontal cortex and ADHD meds that don't raise dopamine everywhere. My understanding is none of the medications are that region specific, but I'm not an expert. I wish I could trust the medical field enough to just be myself and have these conversations and I wish the medical field would not view my lack of trust as irrational. When I was involuntarily treated, I had to deal with certain nurses being so mean and cruel and condescending and had no power to do anything, they were allowed to treat us like we were disgusting gross creatures that shouldn't exist, and since they didn't do anything specific like call us racial slurs or something obviously socially unacceptable, there was nothing that could be done to stop the unabated cruelty. I hate them all at this point, everyone in that terrible field, and it's not worth the risk of going back to that. Death is the better option for me. To the one nurse who was mean to me all the time and will never read this, whose name started with an L, fuck you.
Being the victim of sexual violence means I don't like sex anymore. It's terible. I used to really like sex. I don't anymore. I don't know if people would even want to have sex with me now. I am so uncomfortable with my body. And I wouldn't want to have sex with all the medical issues I have. Some issues I just keep not treating out of fear of being involved in the medical industry and being forced to take psychiatric medications. Some of my medical conditions are the result of sexual violence, some are not. I didn't mention many of my medical issues when I was involuntarily hospitalized because I quickly learned while I was there that I had no privacy and so I just did what I thought would get me out most quickly and away from the emotional abuse and pain of that situation.
I wish I had friends, and I wish I had romance, or was living a life I liked. I have nothing and I don't expect it to change. The progression of my genetic condition tends to worsen around the age I am at. Because my condition seems to be mosaic in nature, it's not impacting me the way it would someone else, and I can sort of hide a bit the decline I am experiencing. It sucks, but suicide is actually the rational option for me. There is absolutely no way for me to exist in society with my declining condition unless I am economically independent or disabled and forced on drugs that would be like torture for me given my ADHD and that were like torture back when I was on them. I also have extreme amounts of anger over how unfair life has been to me and I think sharing my frustrations with a therpaist would be risky and could result in a loss of freedom and forced medications. I can have my autonomy or I can have "mental health support" but I likely can't have both, and trying to have it all is a gamble. I'm going to play it safe, safe for my own autonomy, and avoid mental health support.
I choose death instead.
Every day I am suffering so much. I don't want to keep working. I am dealing with severe extreme depression and physical pain, My job is so boring and with the ADHD it is such a struggle, but the severe depression right now makes it impossible. I can take lots of caffine to try to endure this, but it's so unfathomly hard, and the health effects of using bizarre energy drinks and pills and things like that to try to compensate for not having ADHD medication so I can feign normalcy enough to function is probably having horrible health impacts. I am just in the middle of an ocean with no land in sight treading water. I am so tired.
I am extremely anti-religious and anti-bullshit. I am aware drugs offer some relief from my misery, but they also make my psychiaric conditions worse, so I am trying to avoid drug use. There are "anonymous" meetings where people can get support, but they are all intertwined with "higher powers" and superstition, even the so-called atheist meeting attendees believe in invisible higher powers, although they use semantic games to claim they are still atheists. It's not something I feel comfortable with. My hatred of religions is extreme and I do not wish to tango or flirt with quasi-religious or spiritual organizations.
I am terribly lonely. In terms of Maslow's heirchy of needs, I am so poor and my economic situation is so uncertain that I don't even feel like I have my shelter needs met. I am constantly just barely getting by. I have no support at all, nor do I want it given the rules of the medical profession and mental health industry.
I just feel like I am done. It's almost certainly not if, but just when. There's still about 3 years of things I want to do. Possibly less. I hope I am able to do the bucket list things. It's stupid, but I have no obligations to anyone, I don't have to kill myself now, I just made it a personal goal to do certain things and I'd like to do them. It's the reason I don't end it this very day, this bucket list.
Thanks for reading for anyone who has. I am terribly lonely and appreciate the company in my terrible existence, even if only some tiny moment of our existences overlapping in some strange distant way. The lonliness of this process is the hardest part for me. I hope 3 years from now I no longer exist, I hope I am able to do this and do it on my terms.
I am genetically different. I have never done genetic testing, but likely have some chromosomal abnormalities and have mosaic downs or mosaic trisomy based on the way I look.
I don't want to do genetic testing because I have not found medical information to be private, and once you have a label, it seems to make it's way into public spheres and gets sold to data brokers, even if the data brokers are medical ones which protect the information.
My IQ in certain ways is really normal or very above normal. When it comes to math and logic and things of that nature, I have the abilities of a very smart person. I have horrendous ADHD, although I think my inattention also results from my genetics. It makes holding a job incredibly painful. I also look very different, which makes any role in which I interact with people difficult, because people react to the way I look in different ways. I am facially different at this point.
When I was younger, my face looked only mildly off and at times looked pleasing. As I got older, the genetic damage became much more obvious and my unusual features much more extreme.
During my teenage years and after, I became depressed in part due to social isolation at times, and in part due to ADHD, and partly because people bullied me in different ways because I'm different. I ended up in a mental facility at one point and was diagnosed with different mental health issues.
The problem is, a lot of these mental health issues that I was diagnosed with weren't correct. My situation is I have genetic damage and that's the primary cause of many of my issues. The older I get, the worse it affects me. My memory has also declined greatly. The mental health issues are mostly just a secondary effect of the genetic damage and how people treat me due to the genetic damage, which tends to be even harder because my intelligence is above normal in many ways.
I am terribly unhappy at work. I have been on disability before, but because I was on disability for mental health issues, I had to take mental health medications. Because I have ADHD, my dopamine is actually too low in certain parts of my brain. Because of the mental health diagnosis, if I go on disability, they will want me on dopamine blockers, making my ADHD much worse, and I will lose a lot of my autonomy and independence. Disability also pays very, very little. It's extreme poverty and it's awful.
If I say something like "I want to be on disability, but not on psych meds, because my problems are genetic in nature and the psych meds do more harm for me than good and make life even more unbearable" then what will happen is that 1) they will demand or put pressure on me to get genetically tested and will use results or my own statements to argue a state conservatorship is needed, 2) they will say I still have mental health issues and do better on medications and don't realize it due to a lack of insight, and 3) all of my independence and autonomy will be taken away.
So I can't go on disability, the situation would be much worse, and my mental state tends to deteriorate somewhat with psychiatric medication, but i have no way of proving it, and so my logical abilities would probably decline should I get back on disability. The truth is that if I am horribly depressed and not doing anything, my condition deteriorates. If I don't exercise, if I eat poorly, if I just let myself rot, then I get worse. Psychiatric medication makes me want to just rot, and so even if it results in short-term symptom reductions, it makes my condition get worse over a period of years or months because the medications make me so miserable that my life and consequently my brain decay despite having some symptom reductions. Because I am an unusual case and the best option for treating me is use a very small dose of lithium, monitor lab results, and mostly do nothing despite symptoms, and because doctors always prioritize symptom reduction over long-term patient wellness, I am just fucked. Explaining this to any doctor would be a gamble, and even if I did, I would have to go into concerns about my genetics opening myself up to losing all independence. There is no guarantee I would have the same doctor during all of my care and if I got a different doctor later they could do all sorts of horrible things based on a genetic evaluation. I feel so violated, and I feel my privacy has already been so violated, I just can't put myself into that situation. I am actually better off not taking medication, not on disability, and suffering through work or committing suicide or living in a car or doing anything other than interacting with mental health professionals.
My financial situation is really terrible. Because I am so different looking, I really just want to mostly be left alone. My credit rating sucks because of debt caused by a past medical problem. As a result, I can't easily move to a cheap place unless I get a rent cosigner. I come from an abusive family. They are supportive, but were abusive, and I really want nothing to do with them, I don't want them to know where I live, and I don't even want them as a cosigner on anything because then they would know where I live. Having family members who were abusive to me in my life lowers my self-esteem even more. Complicating matters, the fact that I have avoided psychiatric treatment for many years would be seen as so irresponsible given my prior diagnosis that I could potentially be involuntarily hospitalized just based on not being in treatment, so it's better if they don't know where I am. Given their past abuse, I don't know if they would try to force treatment on me as a form of control or who knows what. I just want them utterly away from me, but also feel sad that I feel that way. I wish I had a family I liked. I don't want to discuss anything with them, it feels like a betrayal of myself to let abusers back into my life, but i also have no one else
I am dealing with progressively worse health due to my genetic conditions. The worst one is rapid memory decline. I have been using off label drugs to try to prevent the decline from getting worse and sometimes it's had some effects. The lack of genetic testing and fears over doctors makes me also unsure of what is causing my symptoms. I am having extreme memory decline at an age at which that is abnormal and if I have mosaic trisomy than it would be expected, but it could be caused by something else. I could have some other horrible condition and it's not being evaluated because I am so scared of doctors and forced treatment.
I am horribly lonely. I've had friends at certain points, but I don't right now, nor do I want any. I don't want to have sex at this point because I'm ugly and I am not at all attracted to ugly people. The sort of people I am attracted to would not want to be with me. I have multiple physical health issues and lack the money to treat them and also, I am afraid to see doctors because it puts me at risk of forced psychiatric treatment. I just see no way out of my isolation.
If I could just exist, and be on disability, and have a place to live that was private, with my own room and bathroom, and not be forced on psychiatric medication, then it's possible I would not want to die. But I see disability as a horrible slippery slope and my hatred of psychiatry is extreme at this point, despite there being nice psychiatrists. With disability, there isn't that much of an option to choose who you get. I also don't really feel like my medical records would stay totally private and wouldn't want genetic testing being something discussed among multiple doctors or clinicians. Doctors and clinicians are not all interchangeable and I've found that the legal and medical community expect me to feel like they are when it comes to medical records. Once I provide medical records to a particular hospital or government organization, I can't demand those records back and say I don't want them to have access anymore, and in fact they are required to keep them, so if I really don't like a new doctor or nurse working at a health group and don't want them to know about my genetic background or that I was abused, I can't say "You know what, this is a bad fit, I actually really don't like how rude you are being and don't want you to have access to records with my trauma, give them back." It's either take it or leave it with the mental health industry, and I'd rather leave it. It's unfortunate because people who take small doses of lithium are much less likely to commit suicide, and I can't take that without being in the system, but it's a choice I've made to abstain from it.
Everyone is so mean to me. A large part of it is the way I look. Because I look ugly, I am expected to be nice and if I am not perfectly nice and polite, people immediately drop me. I don't get the leeway normal people get. People keep me around because of convenience or to use me. My ugliness will only get worse as I age. My situation isn't going to get better or easier, it will just get worse.
Being the victim of sexual violence made me lose a lot of self-confidence. I am the sort of person who really could use support, could use a therapist and having people I can lean on, and because the mental health system is so all-encompassing, I can't really get involved in it a bit without it being a threat to my independence. For instance, if I get a therapist to work through some of my feelings, if I mention suicidal thoughts, I would likely be locked up and drugged with extreme drugs given my prior diagnosis and then suddenly locked into some system in which I can't get off drugs without being non-compliant and potentially re-hospitalized. The fact that most psychiatric medications to treat severe diagnosis and symptoms block dopamine and that I have really low dopamine in my pre-frontal cortex because of ADHD won't matter, they would do the standard medical treatment and if I expressed hesitation I would just be in pain for an even longer period of time as they claim I lack insight.
I really wish I had fallen in love and met someone who treated me nicely. I met some people, but I think to one or two of them I was actually just a joke to them. People have been so fucking mean to me. It's just constant. I come across as incredibly lonely and needy now. I feel it and so do others. It's uncomfortable. I was actually a really nice and cool person in some ways. I didn't deserve to be treated so poorly. I wish I had experienced a nice life.
There are hobbies I am doing lately, but I don't know if I care to continue them. I also have no time due to work. I am in pain recently because of a new injury. Everything feels awful.
The reason I am not committing suicide immediately is there are still a few things I want to do before I die. So I am continuing to push forward so I can do certain things. Every day is a struggle. Work is horrible right now. I am in so much pain. There's absolutely no way I can get support during this time without opening myself up to hospitalization and forced medication that would make things even more torturous. I really wish I had medication to treat my ADHD. I am dealing without having that medication by taking huge amounts of coffee and other stimulants in an effort to push up my prefrontal cortex dopamine and it's negatively impacting my health. If I talked with a clinician they would say I'm being irresponsible, need to take dopamine blockers that feel like torture to someone with ADHD, and I would get put on forced dopamine blockers.
There's no way to discuss any of this with a doctor on my terms. I woud have to share all this information with a doctor, insurance would have access to it, and if I changed doctors then some other horrible person could get access to it, someone mean. People are so mean to me so often, the only control I have is to block mean people from my life, and yet somehow the medical establishment doesn't let me do this, I just have no control at all if I am in that realm.
There are things I don't totally know about my condition and also my ADHD. I don't know if there are dopamine blockers that are selective enough to not impact the prefrontal cortex and ADHD meds that don't raise dopamine everywhere. My understanding is none of the medications are that region specific, but I'm not an expert. I wish I could trust the medical field enough to just be myself and have these conversations and I wish the medical field would not view my lack of trust as irrational. When I was involuntarily treated, I had to deal with certain nurses being so mean and cruel and condescending and had no power to do anything, they were allowed to treat us like we were disgusting gross creatures that shouldn't exist, and since they didn't do anything specific like call us racial slurs or something obviously socially unacceptable, there was nothing that could be done to stop the unabated cruelty. I hate them all at this point, everyone in that terrible field, and it's not worth the risk of going back to that. Death is the better option for me. To the one nurse who was mean to me all the time and will never read this, whose name started with an L, fuck you.
Being the victim of sexual violence means I don't like sex anymore. It's terible. I used to really like sex. I don't anymore. I don't know if people would even want to have sex with me now. I am so uncomfortable with my body. And I wouldn't want to have sex with all the medical issues I have. Some issues I just keep not treating out of fear of being involved in the medical industry and being forced to take psychiatric medications. Some of my medical conditions are the result of sexual violence, some are not. I didn't mention many of my medical issues when I was involuntarily hospitalized because I quickly learned while I was there that I had no privacy and so I just did what I thought would get me out most quickly and away from the emotional abuse and pain of that situation.
I wish I had friends, and I wish I had romance, or was living a life I liked. I have nothing and I don't expect it to change. The progression of my genetic condition tends to worsen around the age I am at. Because my condition seems to be mosaic in nature, it's not impacting me the way it would someone else, and I can sort of hide a bit the decline I am experiencing. It sucks, but suicide is actually the rational option for me. There is absolutely no way for me to exist in society with my declining condition unless I am economically independent or disabled and forced on drugs that would be like torture for me given my ADHD and that were like torture back when I was on them. I also have extreme amounts of anger over how unfair life has been to me and I think sharing my frustrations with a therpaist would be risky and could result in a loss of freedom and forced medications. I can have my autonomy or I can have "mental health support" but I likely can't have both, and trying to have it all is a gamble. I'm going to play it safe, safe for my own autonomy, and avoid mental health support.
I choose death instead.
Every day I am suffering so much. I don't want to keep working. I am dealing with severe extreme depression and physical pain, My job is so boring and with the ADHD it is such a struggle, but the severe depression right now makes it impossible. I can take lots of caffine to try to endure this, but it's so unfathomly hard, and the health effects of using bizarre energy drinks and pills and things like that to try to compensate for not having ADHD medication so I can feign normalcy enough to function is probably having horrible health impacts. I am just in the middle of an ocean with no land in sight treading water. I am so tired.
I am extremely anti-religious and anti-bullshit. I am aware drugs offer some relief from my misery, but they also make my psychiaric conditions worse, so I am trying to avoid drug use. There are "anonymous" meetings where people can get support, but they are all intertwined with "higher powers" and superstition, even the so-called atheist meeting attendees believe in invisible higher powers, although they use semantic games to claim they are still atheists. It's not something I feel comfortable with. My hatred of religions is extreme and I do not wish to tango or flirt with quasi-religious or spiritual organizations.
I am terribly lonely. In terms of Maslow's heirchy of needs, I am so poor and my economic situation is so uncertain that I don't even feel like I have my shelter needs met. I am constantly just barely getting by. I have no support at all, nor do I want it given the rules of the medical profession and mental health industry.
I just feel like I am done. It's almost certainly not if, but just when. There's still about 3 years of things I want to do. Possibly less. I hope I am able to do the bucket list things. It's stupid, but I have no obligations to anyone, I don't have to kill myself now, I just made it a personal goal to do certain things and I'd like to do them. It's the reason I don't end it this very day, this bucket list.
Thanks for reading for anyone who has. I am terribly lonely and appreciate the company in my terrible existence, even if only some tiny moment of our existences overlapping in some strange distant way. The lonliness of this process is the hardest part for me. I hope 3 years from now I no longer exist, I hope I am able to do this and do it on my terms.
