itsalittlecold
Guided by the void
- Jun 7, 2024
- 142
This is just an adhd rant about myself, there's no value or interesting things said I just let my thoughts type, I'm in a expressive mood today, want to see if it helps.
I've always been hyper-critical of myself, almost like an ocd for my personality & traits, it took a lot of anger, confusion and so many ups & downs and I finally understand my inner workings and why I overthink and analyse etc. it took many years but I accept my flaws & I'm at peace with realising that I'm not actually 'living' by sticking around.
I've genuinely took every step you could imagine to fix, manage & improve myself. Cause of the way I am, I thought I could learn the psychology myself, I spent 2 years in a hyper focus yearning to learn it all, I realised there just isn't enough time in life for one person to learn it and I lost my hyper focus.
My problem was I didn't realise about mental disorders back then, my focus was on human behaviour, why we actually do things consciously and subconsciously and I think that's where I messed up. It didn't work so I'll start again From the simple stuff to good diet-to doctors/mental health/therapists.. at first I really wanted to remain 'natural' and as healthy as possible I'm still health conscious now, I rarely drink.. and when I have taken party drugs, I've loved them that much I'd have a few days splurge to get it out my system and do everything I can, to not have it again and it's been easy. Thankfully my fear of losing control of myself made it that way.
I never understood how people turn to beer or substance to make themselves better- knowing the long term negative. About a month ago, I finally understood why and I wanted that temporary feeling off escape- I'm going to ctb anyway why do I actually care about my health etc? That was the moment. Last week I thought F it I'll just get myself abit of speed- least it'll make me get out and do shit, it'll make me happier doing it & Atleast feel positive.
Guess what?.. all it did was help me focus and in my 4 day splurge I was hyper focusing- planning a holiday from morning to night for 4consecutive days in a row- I was researching the best place to go for a month with a budget of 1.5k. Never even been on holiday before, but it's all I wanted to do.
I never got that euphoria or hope I was looking for, that boost to get me out.
All I could focus on was the very last 2 things I wanted to do and ending there, it's likely I'll only manage the holiday but that's okay.
I'm not depressed, I don't even feel sad or angry for that matter. I made my decision 2 years ago & I've meticulously thought and considered every single detail & scenario and how it could possibly affect those around me, the only thing I struggled with was how could I stop my family having the 'I wish l did something sooner or if only' type of thoughts. They've known from a very young age of my ideation, I told them when I started planning and they've seen my efforts, struggles and the help I've received and I'm grateful they knew how I wanted to be treated.
I decided the best way was basically do a 'false flag' event and I told my sister I was about to do it, knowing she'd ask if there's anything at all that could be done & I let her feel as she has done what she could and I made her a promise, that I'd be honest and put 100% effort into the what they offer and advice, tell me to do etc aslong as she promises to accept if it doesn't help- it's doing me worst living.
So the ambulance took me to the mental hospital & had like a 3 hour discussion with them. She said wanted me to admit myself and expressed her concerns thinking if she'd just let me go now, I may just go do something. I went for a cig to think it through and told her I'd like to go back home, but do daily appointments and I said the ideation is there but there's no intent for me to do it.
Tbf they did make me feel heard and understood, was good at listening and I didn't hide anything from then, I genuinely give them a chance- few days in, they start telling me how emotionally intelligent I am, I'm insightful and I'd make a good career out off there line of work and that right there was the second I knew, I went there about ending my life and telling them how it doesn't matter how good I am or how good I can be, it doesn't matter if everything is great MY MIND will take over and when it does, everything I've learnt in a split second has vanished- it'll convince me I'm worthless and it won't stop eating away at now I feel, function and then it'll start making me push people away and I'm so F'ing stubborn & ignorant even the ones that do understand I just can't help but pushing them away.
I moved out at 15 and only bothered seeing my mum when she was on her deathbed because of it.
Same with my dad until he got multiple organ failure didn't even have the time to make it up to either of them.
All because my brain gets a kick out of depriving me of love, when it's all I need to function, it's literally the one void I've never really felt-having a connection & I was even in a 10 year relationship and left that because she told me she hated me and I took it to heart. I truly thought she'd be happier and have a better life, but to this day when she's at her worst, it's me she calls even infront of her boyfriend she's sat ranting to me for nearly an hour. Sometimes she rings when he's not there and she rants and raves about this and that and how unhappy she is- she knows I'll give her unbiased opinion though and tell her if she needs to be told. But not once do I think I miss her or crave her attention- we've been split 4yrs and like after 10yr I don't think we'd ever stop caring would we? But it just hurts knowing how bad not only her life has got, but mine too and I think about what we had and how far we got, just to succumb to the devil in my brain.
I truly want the best and happiness for people and the ones close to me, I'm literally willing to do what it takes- even at the expense of my pain. but why not think that about myself? Why does my mind convince me that the people I care most about, will have better life's without me?
& the sad truth is that is my reason number 1 for ctb. I can't function without that connection, that feeling off purpose- needing to provide and plan a future and creating that stability, having a family and knowing I'm depended on is the thing that drives me, gives me that purpose to live. I proved to everyone telling me I need to learn to be alone and yeah it's good to be independent but me? I don't want life for me when I look at it, no matter what I do or try on my own there's no satisfaction or enjoyment, give me a phone or a book, some arty things and I'll be more content with that than anything else. I don't know why I don't have drive or ambition when I'm alone. It's weird and honestly I feel embarrassed that such a thing is going to contribute to my ctb- however it's about accepting it's me I suppose and
I refuse to find love, because it's not just my feelings been played with I've got to consider others.
With work it's the same, so many times I was so f'ing close to promotion but nope all off a sudden I don't like 'Dave' cause of the way he coughs so I have to walk out of there otherwise my stupid brain will just keep attacking me for not 'protecting myself' and all my mental ward have to say is ohh you'd do good doing what we're trying to do with you?!? Pls someone make that part make SENSE?
But in hindsight, I can finally say I've ticked all the boxes I wanted to. My family can only grieve in a natural way, all I've done is make them laugh and spread the light. I've isolated myself for that long- not a single soul can think it was because of them or because of a heartbreak. I've never done anyone wrong or pushed any serious boundaries, I've definitely pushed my limits though but I've tried my very best to follow the universal laws.
I can actually finally say I've completed my mission of empathy. Now I need to just try keep going long enough for my passport to come and I can do the last thing I want to experience and I can let my brain win it's 18yr fantasy of ending itself the strange little thing.
I've been sat with this sn just a few inches way, just to challenge my impulses. Because I just can't haha
I've always been hyper-critical of myself, almost like an ocd for my personality & traits, it took a lot of anger, confusion and so many ups & downs and I finally understand my inner workings and why I overthink and analyse etc. it took many years but I accept my flaws & I'm at peace with realising that I'm not actually 'living' by sticking around.
I've genuinely took every step you could imagine to fix, manage & improve myself. Cause of the way I am, I thought I could learn the psychology myself, I spent 2 years in a hyper focus yearning to learn it all, I realised there just isn't enough time in life for one person to learn it and I lost my hyper focus.
My problem was I didn't realise about mental disorders back then, my focus was on human behaviour, why we actually do things consciously and subconsciously and I think that's where I messed up. It didn't work so I'll start again From the simple stuff to good diet-to doctors/mental health/therapists.. at first I really wanted to remain 'natural' and as healthy as possible I'm still health conscious now, I rarely drink.. and when I have taken party drugs, I've loved them that much I'd have a few days splurge to get it out my system and do everything I can, to not have it again and it's been easy. Thankfully my fear of losing control of myself made it that way.
I never understood how people turn to beer or substance to make themselves better- knowing the long term negative. About a month ago, I finally understood why and I wanted that temporary feeling off escape- I'm going to ctb anyway why do I actually care about my health etc? That was the moment. Last week I thought F it I'll just get myself abit of speed- least it'll make me get out and do shit, it'll make me happier doing it & Atleast feel positive.
Guess what?.. all it did was help me focus and in my 4 day splurge I was hyper focusing- planning a holiday from morning to night for 4consecutive days in a row- I was researching the best place to go for a month with a budget of 1.5k. Never even been on holiday before, but it's all I wanted to do.
I never got that euphoria or hope I was looking for, that boost to get me out.
All I could focus on was the very last 2 things I wanted to do and ending there, it's likely I'll only manage the holiday but that's okay.
I'm not depressed, I don't even feel sad or angry for that matter. I made my decision 2 years ago & I've meticulously thought and considered every single detail & scenario and how it could possibly affect those around me, the only thing I struggled with was how could I stop my family having the 'I wish l did something sooner or if only' type of thoughts. They've known from a very young age of my ideation, I told them when I started planning and they've seen my efforts, struggles and the help I've received and I'm grateful they knew how I wanted to be treated.
I decided the best way was basically do a 'false flag' event and I told my sister I was about to do it, knowing she'd ask if there's anything at all that could be done & I let her feel as she has done what she could and I made her a promise, that I'd be honest and put 100% effort into the what they offer and advice, tell me to do etc aslong as she promises to accept if it doesn't help- it's doing me worst living.
So the ambulance took me to the mental hospital & had like a 3 hour discussion with them. She said wanted me to admit myself and expressed her concerns thinking if she'd just let me go now, I may just go do something. I went for a cig to think it through and told her I'd like to go back home, but do daily appointments and I said the ideation is there but there's no intent for me to do it.
Tbf they did make me feel heard and understood, was good at listening and I didn't hide anything from then, I genuinely give them a chance- few days in, they start telling me how emotionally intelligent I am, I'm insightful and I'd make a good career out off there line of work and that right there was the second I knew, I went there about ending my life and telling them how it doesn't matter how good I am or how good I can be, it doesn't matter if everything is great MY MIND will take over and when it does, everything I've learnt in a split second has vanished- it'll convince me I'm worthless and it won't stop eating away at now I feel, function and then it'll start making me push people away and I'm so F'ing stubborn & ignorant even the ones that do understand I just can't help but pushing them away.
I moved out at 15 and only bothered seeing my mum when she was on her deathbed because of it.
Same with my dad until he got multiple organ failure didn't even have the time to make it up to either of them.
All because my brain gets a kick out of depriving me of love, when it's all I need to function, it's literally the one void I've never really felt-having a connection & I was even in a 10 year relationship and left that because she told me she hated me and I took it to heart. I truly thought she'd be happier and have a better life, but to this day when she's at her worst, it's me she calls even infront of her boyfriend she's sat ranting to me for nearly an hour. Sometimes she rings when he's not there and she rants and raves about this and that and how unhappy she is- she knows I'll give her unbiased opinion though and tell her if she needs to be told. But not once do I think I miss her or crave her attention- we've been split 4yrs and like after 10yr I don't think we'd ever stop caring would we? But it just hurts knowing how bad not only her life has got, but mine too and I think about what we had and how far we got, just to succumb to the devil in my brain.
I truly want the best and happiness for people and the ones close to me, I'm literally willing to do what it takes- even at the expense of my pain. but why not think that about myself? Why does my mind convince me that the people I care most about, will have better life's without me?
& the sad truth is that is my reason number 1 for ctb. I can't function without that connection, that feeling off purpose- needing to provide and plan a future and creating that stability, having a family and knowing I'm depended on is the thing that drives me, gives me that purpose to live. I proved to everyone telling me I need to learn to be alone and yeah it's good to be independent but me? I don't want life for me when I look at it, no matter what I do or try on my own there's no satisfaction or enjoyment, give me a phone or a book, some arty things and I'll be more content with that than anything else. I don't know why I don't have drive or ambition when I'm alone. It's weird and honestly I feel embarrassed that such a thing is going to contribute to my ctb- however it's about accepting it's me I suppose and
I refuse to find love, because it's not just my feelings been played with I've got to consider others.
With work it's the same, so many times I was so f'ing close to promotion but nope all off a sudden I don't like 'Dave' cause of the way he coughs so I have to walk out of there otherwise my stupid brain will just keep attacking me for not 'protecting myself' and all my mental ward have to say is ohh you'd do good doing what we're trying to do with you?!? Pls someone make that part make SENSE?
But in hindsight, I can finally say I've ticked all the boxes I wanted to. My family can only grieve in a natural way, all I've done is make them laugh and spread the light. I've isolated myself for that long- not a single soul can think it was because of them or because of a heartbreak. I've never done anyone wrong or pushed any serious boundaries, I've definitely pushed my limits though but I've tried my very best to follow the universal laws.
I can actually finally say I've completed my mission of empathy. Now I need to just try keep going long enough for my passport to come and I can do the last thing I want to experience and I can let my brain win it's 18yr fantasy of ending itself the strange little thing.
I've been sat with this sn just a few inches way, just to challenge my impulses. Because I just can't haha
