Deadinside24
Experienced
- Aug 7, 2018
- 245
Just to clarify, not us here but everyone out there. Whenever I go to work or go outside into the world, people are laughing and having a good time. I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. In fact, I don't even know what that feels like anymore.
Even days when I feel like I'm okay, the feeling passes after a while and I just sink back into this depression where suicide looks more and more warming and welcoming. It's like a giant storm cloud following me all over the place. When I'm at work or with other people, I have to put on this happy face. My whole life over the last decade has been like one, big lie. It's like living two different lives; the one the world sees, and the one that no one sees. I am hella craving booze right now just to not feel any of it but I know where that leads me to and if I sabotage my life enough (which is something I am an expert at), then I am sure I will ctb.
The thing is, it isn't so much that I want to die, but more that I just don't want to live. It's like we are brought into this world, forced to go to school and then forced to work just to keep on living a life that we didn't even ask for.
I'd give anything just to love life and be happy but that just seems like a distant fantasy at this point. Maybe it was a fantasy from the beginning...
Even days when I feel like I'm okay, the feeling passes after a while and I just sink back into this depression where suicide looks more and more warming and welcoming. It's like a giant storm cloud following me all over the place. When I'm at work or with other people, I have to put on this happy face. My whole life over the last decade has been like one, big lie. It's like living two different lives; the one the world sees, and the one that no one sees. I am hella craving booze right now just to not feel any of it but I know where that leads me to and if I sabotage my life enough (which is something I am an expert at), then I am sure I will ctb.
The thing is, it isn't so much that I want to die, but more that I just don't want to live. It's like we are brought into this world, forced to go to school and then forced to work just to keep on living a life that we didn't even ask for.
I'd give anything just to love life and be happy but that just seems like a distant fantasy at this point. Maybe it was a fantasy from the beginning...