First of all. I want to protect me/the forum in one way when questions are asked: So you admit you are not fully sane why should you still be allowed to be on here? There is one person I think of whom I have doubts whether it is good that he is on here. He is in an acute psychosis. However, the vast majority of this forum act like role models and tried to bring him back to reality. I think this is a very good behavior of them/us something news reports would never give credit for.
Despite the fact I am not 100% sane my suicidal thoughts are very rational. Two therapists gave me up, I had 3 psychotherapies, tried more than 25 medication, had 6 clinic stays. I am suicidal since one decade more or less every single day. If journalists would do the gotcha question they would be very wrong in my case. In general in Germany several psychiatrists had to go to prison because they assisted suicides for example one patient had depression the other person schizophrenia. And the standards the prosecutors had were completely insane and ridiculous. Really I read articles about it. And they act like everyone who ever had depression or a psychosis is unable to make a rational decision concerning death for the rest of their lives. The system is a fucking joke. I think morally we certainly are in the right position. If the laws and regulations are that ridiculous I read the text of the judgements. If the regulations are that unreasonable they should not wonder why mentally ill people feel belittled, treated like children and revolt against the system. Such judgements rather encourage me to be on here and show the society that treats suicidal people like shit the middle finger. And mainstream media is feeding the narrative. Especially after the highest court ruling 2020 in Germany. The elites do whatever they can to block a death with dignity. Fucking assholes.
I have these love delusions. And it rips my heart apart. I have such a strong desire for a partner. I imagine a future with her just to realize it is all made up and no person with reason would even consider a potential bf knowing my whole story.
Sometimes it feels like to be a sub-human. Someone who can be considered insane or crazy. There is a lot of shame in it. Sometimes pathological and sometimes not. I am a control freak. And I fucking hate that feeling to lose control even if it is only marginal. These love delusions are so fucking pathetic. And they happen all the fucking time. But it also depends on the mental pressure I am going through. While studying I felt extremely in pain it triggered the shit out of me. I could only cope with it by fleeing into a different reality. It is really a very pathetic thing. But I wish I would find someone who helps me financialy to get out of this living hell named college. But this is only one component. I am a deeply romantic person and have such desire. I feel touch depraved and hugging male friends is simply not the same. Solely the fact how often these love delusions happen prove me how hopeless my situation is love wise. I noticed with texting I don't struggle that much though.
So much insanely painful and traumatic happened in my childhood and adolescence that I literally became insane. Today I read A perfect day for bananafish by J.D. Salinger. Afterwards I read an interpretation. The person who has become insane kills himself at the end of the story. But for him it was WW2 which made him insane. The woman in my self-help group laughs in such a beautiful way about my jokes. I think she likes me but very likely only as a person. Tbh I think most of it might be pity for my horrible childhood. Her laughs are real though. I ask myself whether she would consider me boyfriend material if she did not know my very serious relation to suicide and my love delusions. I think she even avoided conversations with me because she did not want to trigger a love delusion in me. That's so fucking cute of her. Lol. No matter what she does it is not working. She told in the group that she had too much responsibilities for her ex boyfriend and she does not want that again. She also mentioned that she considers to leave the city and wants to begin something new somewhere else. But she also told me she thinks running away from her problems like that won't work. Even if she was attracted to me I think she would be aware that being together with me would be a big mistake. I am a big bad red flag.
Patheticly, I even adapted my behavior in this group depending on her. Or the other woman I had the first love delusion with. Lmao I am so fucked beyond repair. After the first one I ordered SN. I came to the conclusion the shame is not worth it. I never wanted to approach a woman in this group again. But it happened that I was alone with her for a pretty long time last week. And after awkward minutes of silence we started a conversation. I made her laugh a couple of times and gave her tips for her bachelor degree. Tbh I think many in this self-help group consider me pretty intelligent also her. However, I think most of it is fake. I am pretty self-aware, eloquent and thoughtful. But on most intelligence scales I am pretty average. And I am pretty good at tricking people which is also a pathetic.
I wish we were alone again next Monday and I can make her committing the mistake to talk with me. But I have come to the conclusion I won't approach her on my own. I am mentally pretty fucked. The people in this group have vanilla problems compared to me. I think about literally killing myself in October. I always consider what to say depending on my interest in the crush I have. I could speak about insane shit and most people would be shocked. I have been through insane shit. The thing is the second crush I have knows most of the shit. And it would be a proof of love if she still would accept me as who I am. But I think this is a childish view of love. Telling everything unfiltered with barely a strategy and hoping someone would like to save me. This isn't how relationship usually start.
Tbh I think I am pretty good at how to tell a story and this might contributed to the success of our self-help group. My stories are like "WTF did he just say!". Stories of my child abuse, bullying, severe suicidality, horrible therapists etc. Mixed with some irony and black humor. I am not sure whether to open the box of pandora and talking about stuff from this forum. They might judge me. But they handled my suicidality pretty well. In the clinic the topic suicide was prohibited in group therapy. This college self-help group is way better. They handled my shit quite good. In this group I told them twice that I have met people online who committed suicide eventually. It is something I sometimes struggle with (Some stories touched me and I struggle to accept that the people had no other chance than to commit suicide. At the same time I deeply relate to that.) But I am not sure whether it is smart to talk about this in this group. I think I won't mention that I am in a suicide forum. And certainly not Sanctioned Suicide. Maybe rather something like I am in a mental health forum where I have talked to people about suicidality.
And before people think I might be invasive towards these women. Most of these approaches happen in my head. And it usually is not a big thing for the other person. But I am dying innerly because of the shame. And maybe literally because I might kill myself if the shit keeps repeating.
Off-topic: I got post from the care money assessor. They will soon come to my home. I am so fucking scared. This might become a disaster.
Despite the fact I am not 100% sane my suicidal thoughts are very rational. Two therapists gave me up, I had 3 psychotherapies, tried more than 25 medication, had 6 clinic stays. I am suicidal since one decade more or less every single day. If journalists would do the gotcha question they would be very wrong in my case. In general in Germany several psychiatrists had to go to prison because they assisted suicides for example one patient had depression the other person schizophrenia. And the standards the prosecutors had were completely insane and ridiculous. Really I read articles about it. And they act like everyone who ever had depression or a psychosis is unable to make a rational decision concerning death for the rest of their lives. The system is a fucking joke. I think morally we certainly are in the right position. If the laws and regulations are that ridiculous I read the text of the judgements. If the regulations are that unreasonable they should not wonder why mentally ill people feel belittled, treated like children and revolt against the system. Such judgements rather encourage me to be on here and show the society that treats suicidal people like shit the middle finger. And mainstream media is feeding the narrative. Especially after the highest court ruling 2020 in Germany. The elites do whatever they can to block a death with dignity. Fucking assholes.
I have these love delusions. And it rips my heart apart. I have such a strong desire for a partner. I imagine a future with her just to realize it is all made up and no person with reason would even consider a potential bf knowing my whole story.
Sometimes it feels like to be a sub-human. Someone who can be considered insane or crazy. There is a lot of shame in it. Sometimes pathological and sometimes not. I am a control freak. And I fucking hate that feeling to lose control even if it is only marginal. These love delusions are so fucking pathetic. And they happen all the fucking time. But it also depends on the mental pressure I am going through. While studying I felt extremely in pain it triggered the shit out of me. I could only cope with it by fleeing into a different reality. It is really a very pathetic thing. But I wish I would find someone who helps me financialy to get out of this living hell named college. But this is only one component. I am a deeply romantic person and have such desire. I feel touch depraved and hugging male friends is simply not the same. Solely the fact how often these love delusions happen prove me how hopeless my situation is love wise. I noticed with texting I don't struggle that much though.
So much insanely painful and traumatic happened in my childhood and adolescence that I literally became insane. Today I read A perfect day for bananafish by J.D. Salinger. Afterwards I read an interpretation. The person who has become insane kills himself at the end of the story. But for him it was WW2 which made him insane. The woman in my self-help group laughs in such a beautiful way about my jokes. I think she likes me but very likely only as a person. Tbh I think most of it might be pity for my horrible childhood. Her laughs are real though. I ask myself whether she would consider me boyfriend material if she did not know my very serious relation to suicide and my love delusions. I think she even avoided conversations with me because she did not want to trigger a love delusion in me. That's so fucking cute of her. Lol. No matter what she does it is not working. She told in the group that she had too much responsibilities for her ex boyfriend and she does not want that again. She also mentioned that she considers to leave the city and wants to begin something new somewhere else. But she also told me she thinks running away from her problems like that won't work. Even if she was attracted to me I think she would be aware that being together with me would be a big mistake. I am a big bad red flag.
Patheticly, I even adapted my behavior in this group depending on her. Or the other woman I had the first love delusion with. Lmao I am so fucked beyond repair. After the first one I ordered SN. I came to the conclusion the shame is not worth it. I never wanted to approach a woman in this group again. But it happened that I was alone with her for a pretty long time last week. And after awkward minutes of silence we started a conversation. I made her laugh a couple of times and gave her tips for her bachelor degree. Tbh I think many in this self-help group consider me pretty intelligent also her. However, I think most of it is fake. I am pretty self-aware, eloquent and thoughtful. But on most intelligence scales I am pretty average. And I am pretty good at tricking people which is also a pathetic.
I wish we were alone again next Monday and I can make her committing the mistake to talk with me. But I have come to the conclusion I won't approach her on my own. I am mentally pretty fucked. The people in this group have vanilla problems compared to me. I think about literally killing myself in October. I always consider what to say depending on my interest in the crush I have. I could speak about insane shit and most people would be shocked. I have been through insane shit. The thing is the second crush I have knows most of the shit. And it would be a proof of love if she still would accept me as who I am. But I think this is a childish view of love. Telling everything unfiltered with barely a strategy and hoping someone would like to save me. This isn't how relationship usually start.
Tbh I think I am pretty good at how to tell a story and this might contributed to the success of our self-help group. My stories are like "WTF did he just say!". Stories of my child abuse, bullying, severe suicidality, horrible therapists etc. Mixed with some irony and black humor. I am not sure whether to open the box of pandora and talking about stuff from this forum. They might judge me. But they handled my suicidality pretty well. In the clinic the topic suicide was prohibited in group therapy. This college self-help group is way better. They handled my shit quite good. In this group I told them twice that I have met people online who committed suicide eventually. It is something I sometimes struggle with (Some stories touched me and I struggle to accept that the people had no other chance than to commit suicide. At the same time I deeply relate to that.) But I am not sure whether it is smart to talk about this in this group. I think I won't mention that I am in a suicide forum. And certainly not Sanctioned Suicide. Maybe rather something like I am in a mental health forum where I have talked to people about suicidality.
And before people think I might be invasive towards these women. Most of these approaches happen in my head. And it usually is not a big thing for the other person. But I am dying innerly because of the shame. And maybe literally because I might kill myself if the shit keeps repeating.
Off-topic: I got post from the care money assessor. They will soon come to my home. I am so fucking scared. This might become a disaster.
Last edited:
