Discussion How long have you been wanting to ctb?

[SadRatQueen]

For me personally, it started in early childhood. I remember being in the 3rd grade contemplating throwing myself in front of traffic. I've always just had this feeling within me, as if my body knew from the start that I would take my own life one day. I am a curse to this world, a belief I held for so long.

But what about the rest of you guys? When was the earliest you felt doomed to ctb?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Right after I failed big in life a few years ago. Nothing got better since that moment rather worse. Ctb isn't that easy even if it's the most logical consequence of everything in life.

 

[Crow_88]

It's been on and off for years. I'd always find some reason to live and then it would all fall apart. This last time was my most serious attempt and I'm surprised it didn't succeed. As things have gotten harder and harder with less and less to live for, the attempts have gotten more serious.

 

[atrophy]

Since 7th grade so for 10 years I wanted to CTB.

SH started in the beginning and I remember not wanting to exist or wishing to not be born again.

 

[lotus11]

For years but it's got stronger since I've got older, as life continues to not improve or worsen. I bought my sn years ago but think I am getting stronger and stronger towards being able to take the step to leave

 

[social_anxiety]

I was 17 when I first had suicidal thoughts. First attempt a year later.
I'm in my 30's now so it's been a long time. Life sucks and always will

 

[ugly777]

Middle school was the first time I thought about it and my depression has only increasingly worsened throughout the years that I'm at a point where the only relief I'll ever experience is when I'm finally able to ctb.

 

[ma0]

I'd say it's only something I've genuinely considered in the past 2 years, and something I've actively planned since the past 6 months or so. I've had thoughts about it for about 6 years though.

 

[TheHolySword]

14 or so years

 

[AFinalJourney]

Since I was 9.

 

[bananaolympus]

Since february 2015 almost a decade

 

[diy-event]

But what about the rest of you guys? When was the earliest you felt doomed to ctb?

My first attempt was in high school and ever since I have been waiting to do it right (the anchor broke)

To be honest - it will be soon

 

[laceydreams]

since I was like 8

 

[bluehawk]

thoughts of ctb for me began when I was a youth. It would come and go but as I became older the desire to ctb became more clear.

(edit: because for safety and too much to read)

 

[depressedinsomniac]

i have had low points but did not become committed till my mental health took a literal dive and i started facing homelessness...it's a tough world out there...i wish for us all to find peace and ctb if that is your wish...

 

[FuneralCry]

I've personally always wished to not exist as I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way possible, I have no interest in this existence of pointless suffering, I find existence to be the most torturous, futile burden, I just want peace instead, I've only ever wished for the peace of an eternal, dreamless sleep where all is finally gone and forgotten about, to me existence truly does just feel like a mistake and it's one so terrible and futile. I'd always prefer to not exist than be enslaved in this existence with no limit as to how much agony I can feel just to be tortured in agony from old age, I'll always see existence itself as the ultimate problem, I see it as an abomination that just causes suffering all for the sake of it and problems there was never a need for, more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed, I wish I was never forced to suffer in this existence.

 

[SleepyWoodlands]

If I recall correctly my first time was in my teens. I was at a pretty low point in my life where I didn't know what I wanted to do in the future, stress was ramping up, my grades were abysmal, and my relationship with my parents was very rocky.

It somehow receded, but it does cycle and come back again. Last time I checked with a therapist they deemed that I was in remission. Now it's back again because of what's going on in my life. This will be the third time.

 

[Forveleth]

25+ years. Was first suicidal as a teen and the desire has never gone away.

 

[trashhologram]

Almost 10 years now. Still am a pussy who can't just die.

 

[outrider567]

It'll be three years this January 22

 

[Loser1989]

24 years. Since I was a kid I've felt this way. Friends were always hard to make and even harder to keep. Relationships sucked for me, my family is amazing but they're all doing their own thing and I feel like an afterthought most of the time. I'm just so tired of fighting myself. I feel so useless and its draining me.

 

[kapa]

I was 11 I accidentally watched a video and the only thing i remember was a drawing of someone cutting their wrists. 15 years later I'm hoping to get my last ticket

 

[hereornot]

Since 2018, when I managed to get out of a situation but realized that there wasn't enough time left to recover what I lost.

As of January 29, 2023, it became much stronger after a situation that traumatized me. I believe that this situation was what made it go from being an option to something that was planned.

 

[Gstreater]

Since I was fourteen, I'm twenty five now, eleven years in total sadly.

 

[billie]

i've been chronically suicidal for 9 to 10 years

 

[yowai]

Started seriously considering at 15 or 16 (before that was just contemplating or being really depressed), and only went away for maybe 2 years when I turned 18

 

[nogods4me]

Childhood. Then things got worse at various junctures, in life and in my body.

 

[Shimidori]

Since I was 10, when I felt the very early signs of my deep, life ruining gender dysphoria. Combine it with rough family relationships, throwing 8 years of my life down the drain after becoming 18, and developing horrible coping mechanisms, the only thing keeping me alive is me failing to ctb a few months back and not feeling confident to try again.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

since early teens, but back then I'd no idea that ctb existed so my thoughts were along the lines of: "it would be so nice if I weren't real" and I would imagine myself turning into vapour
years later, still in the trajectory of achieving the childhood dream

it was a bit frustrating when speaking with other people due to the fundamentals of my thought being different from the people in my life
I think of euthanasia as an oasis in the desert now more than ever, there aren't many miracles, but this is one for me

 

[nomoredolor]

Nearly 20 years ago, when I was 12. The suicide ideation is a part of me at this point. People tell me I need to have a better mindset but they don't understand the unrelenting pain and suffering that brought me here.
Anna