How long have you waited to ctb

[waterbaby100]

I began feeling very unwell about a year whilst things (temporarily) get better I still find myself wanting to ctb. I sometimes choose a day and then don't go through with it? How about other folks? And what is stopping you?

 

[wanttodie]

about 15 years a go

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I decided at the beginning of 2018 that I would end my life some day, and I've known ever since that it was going to happen. There were a few moments between then and now when I temporarily convinced myself to live a bit longer, but at the end of the day, 7 years of wanting to die is far too long.

The only thing that's really stopping me is the fear that there will be an afterlife when I don't want one.

 

[Corvette90]

Hey @waterbaby100 . So in my situation I have had very dark moods and ideation since I was 19. It was a combination of environment, genetics and life throwing loads of curve balls my way. My mum wasn't originally from England so loads of family was spread out over the world and my dad was extremely strict, controlling and abusive etc (although i still loved him). So I have been up and down over the years. I Honestly pray things were different. Did not imagine this would be my situation but here I am. Giving meds and therapy another go plus trying to keep going to church. What stopped me was several factors over the years. Firstly I was young and people said it would get better. I didn't want to break my mum's heart and I was concerned for theological reasons. Mum tragically ended up dying (very long time ago now). My mum's family has no concept of mental health at all. On the one hand it's good as they are very positive but on the other hand it makes you feel worse because you cannot magic yourself happier/ healthier. Depression is not something in the vocabulary. Then after mum died I full time supported my sister as she was struggling with three kids so that keep me focused. That was my purpose living for others even friends. I just snapped last Xmas after trying really hard last year to get back on track. So to stop waffling and get to the point I am here because of other peoples feelings, religion, worrying about if it goes wrong, worrying about contagion to the youngsters in the family. I feel my reasoning is very similar to others on here which is refreshing but I'm 34 now not a teen. i so wish it was different. For now I'm giving the dice another roll. I'm sending you lots of . It's not easy being up and down.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always been waiting to cease existing, that's all that existence is to me, it's just waiting to not exist as after all no matter what eventually all will be gone and forgotten about in non-existence and to permanently cease existing and never suffer ever again truly is all I hope for, I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer all for the sake of it in this futile, torturous existence just to decay and die anyway, it's so horrific to me how a human can suffer for so long with no limit as to how much agony they can feel just to be tortured by old age.

All I personally hope for is non-existence, it's the only peace for me and I always suffer so much from being burdened with this existence where I'm just waiting to not exist anyway. I see so much cruelty in how I'm denied the option to just fall asleep permanently, all I hope for is to simply cease existing in peace to save myself from all future unnecessary suffering with no risks of it going wrong and leading to worse torture, it's so horrific to me how there is no limit as to how much one can suffer in this existence, for me existence itself really is the problem.

 

[GuppyBoyo]

as early as i could realistically conceive of it, about 9 years old is where i actively connected dying as a means to non-existance

 

[AreWeWinning]

I have always thought about it as far as I can remember, but not in a serious way. I had a strong will to live. I have always told myself if things don't change until I'm X years old, then I'll do it. I'm close to that age now.

I've been very seriously considering it for about the past 3 years with the specific goal of finally getting it done somehow. And now, I feel like I'm at the point where I think I'll be able to do it soon. Hopefully this month, but definitely before summer.

 

[Outofoptions1]

When my chronic pain began to really affect me back in 2022. I had thought about ctb before, but that time I had seriously considered it as a way out someday.

I wanted to go the route of MAID or medically assisted death. Unfortunately, my type of condition doesn't qualify. I was good to hold on and battle through until my girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago. It crushed me as I depended on her for almost everything and she was the perfect person. There's pretty much no point in staying around now

 

[TheSeeker]

I've been suicidal since I was 12 years old when I realized I wouldn't be like the other kids. I've come close to committing several times but never followed through out of fear.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

All my life

 

[LostLily]

Pretty much most of my life.

 

[ctemourge]

id say from around age 7 to current day i've fantasized about ctb . the only thing stopping me is my family and my boyfriend . i feel guilty for having good things and still being passively suicidal. i have a plan. i just have to wait to do it :/

 

[twilightSparriw]

I began feeling very unwell about a year whilst things (temporarily) get better I still find myself wanting to ctb. I sometimes choose a day and then don't go through with it? How about other folks? And what is stopping you?

Curiosity is what stopped me until this very day…. Books instill want to read, films, poetry… But that's fading with aging so… void is moving in on me…

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation for 35 years. Ridiculous huh? That's more than many people's lifetimes here I imagine. Some periods have been more intensely worse that others.

I've always wanted to hold on for key family members and loved ones to pass first. My Dad is the final person remaining. Seeing as he's in his late 70's now, I've moved more towards active ideation- preparing my method etc. so I'm now ready at least. I also found being creative was a great coping mechanism for the bulk of my life.

 

[kimcoffee_]

Most of my life, since preteens for sure.

 

[everosity]

like 19 years now

 

[tbh2023]

Since 5/2023. Something happened and my life ruined since then. I don't want to live not even one more hour, I just have to plan it good. Hopefully soon.

 

[hereornot]

More than enought

 

[galaxid]

Not that long, I suppose. I had plenty of fantasies about 'escaping' things without actually having to ctb. Mostly 'I'll just move away and start over' kind of thoughts until about 2021. I realized there's not much more I can run from, and that the problem is going to follow me to the grave. But I've known for a long time that this was how I'd go-- it's just a shame it has to happen now.

I have always thought about it as far as I can remember, but not in a serious way. I had a strong will to live. I have always told myself if things don't change until I'm X years old, then I'll do it. I'm close to that age now.

Exact same situation here re: will to live. Life felt worth fighting for.

I've had ideation for 35 years. Ridiculous huh? That's more than many people's lifetimes here I imagine. Some periods have been more intensely worse that others.

I've always wanted to hold on for key family members and loved ones to pass first. My Dad is the final person remaining. Seeing as he's in his late 70's now, I've moved more towards active ideation- preparing my method etc. so I'm now ready at least. I also found being creative was a great coping mechanism for the bulk of my life.

Being creative has helped me a lot, too. It's all I've lived for, these past few years.

 

[bipolar22]

Since I'm 12 I figured life is just a disappointment. Still alive and kicking. Stupid. Never had the intelligence or balls to end it even though I came close couple of times by now

 

[BoredNTired]

I decided in 5th grade that I'd buy a gun at 21 and call it quits there unless I'd become a completely different person in the meantime. At 19 now I've decided that I can't wait another 2 years. My main regret is that I forced myself to wait 9 years.

 

[divinemistress36]

21 years. But especially the past 5 years

 

[Ixtab69]

Most of my life, since preteens for sure.

preteens I can relate...do you remember any specific circumstances or triggers that started your ideation?

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

enough. It only takes planning, and doing it discreetly, to find a way out without being locked up or putting ourselves at risk, and it's painful to leave this world like this. If we speak up, they threaten to lock us up in a psychiatric hospital. It's too cruel that we can't leave on our own terms, when it comes to our lives. We know what we've been through, the suffering and the pain, and on top of that, they threaten us; they don't understand us. They just want us to live, suffering for others. Dracarys for those who don't understand us!
It's a shame we have to leave in fear and in secret, afraid of failure, of being locked up and threatened. Enough is enough. It's our life, and we should have the right to choose when to end it and stop suffering.

 

[sadsoni]

Pretty much last 9 years, but on and off impulsiveness depending on how strong the MDD stranglehold is. Presently making adequate plans for peaceful CTB is my only motivation to hang on, work and maintain the facade.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I think I was probably subconsciously suicidal much before this, but my first conscious memory of feeling suicidal is when my parents were getting divorced and I was sent to therapy. My therapist suspected I had depression and asked me if I ever had thoughts of hurting myself or committing suicide.

I've felt the same way ever since. Psychiatrists will tell you that things are rarely curable. I've had chronic suicidality and depression for over a decade now, and I am an adult of sound mind. I just don't like life. Feels cruel that people like me have no chance at peace. I have tried treatment. I've been through therapy multiple times and it doesn't work for me.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I have dealt with suicidal ideation for around 15 years now. I am currently at a much more serious level with my plan ready to go, I've been waiting to go through with it for just over a month now. My chosen day is coming soon, so it will be about two months in total between creating the plan and going through with it.

 

[ForsakenEcho]

It's been almost 10 years since my first and only attempt... since then, I feel like I've just been putting it off. I don't know exactly when I will go, but the day will probably come.

 

[txjambi]

it feels like most of my life. I throw myself in to things (school, career, relationships) my entire life to distract myself from it. But it always remains. The youngest I can remember thinking of it was when I was 9 or 10 years old. I'm over 40 now. It's time to find myself some peace.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

You are not alone. My first attempt was at age 14. I almost died after overdosing on pysch meds. I wish I had died because I've never stopped feeling suicidal since then. I'm now 40 and I want to end it before the end of the month. I'm done, suffering for 26+ years is more than enough.