Discussion How many of us here are bipolar?

[CravingPeace]

Does suicide feel like an inevitability for the bipolar people? It does for me. The shame & guilt after manic episodes only grows, weed was the only thing that actually made me feel happiness and I can't risk smoking due to it causing mania, the cycle of the long lowest lows and surprise highest highs is exhausting. Constantly faking happiness at work and crashing out at home in deep depression is exhausting. "Rebuilding" my life after mania is exhausting. The uncertainty of my own mind is exhausting.

Anyone else?

 

[LittleMagician]

Does suicide feel like an inevitability for the bipolar people? It does for me. The shame & guilt after manic episodes only grows, weed was the only thing that actually made me feel happiness and I can't risk smoking due to it causing mania, the cycle of the long lowest lows and surprise highest highs is exhausting. Constantly faking happiness at work and crashing out at home in deep depression is exhausting. "Rebuilding" my life after mania is exhausting. The uncertainty of my own mind is exhausting.

Anyone else?

I feel this pain on an astronomical level. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but I relate to this.

 

[hang in there]

Does suicide feel like an inevitability for the bipolar people? It does for me. The shame & guilt after manic episodes only grows, weed was the only thing that actually made me feel happiness and I can't risk smoking due to it causing mania, the cycle of the long lowest lows and surprise highest highs is exhausting. Constantly faking happiness at work and crashing out at home in deep depression is exhausting. "Rebuilding" my life after mania is exhausting. The uncertainty of my own mind is exhausting.

Anyone else?

>"Rebuilding" my life after mania is exhausting.
Every few months I get manic again and somehow dig myself into $10k worth of debt. I have been in $10k debt for several years. Every time I pay it down I think a credit card is proof I am filthy rich and I have a big load of money coming from somewhere, I just know it, boom there goes all financial progress and I am back where I started in the hole. Fucking exhausting...

 

[LeavingEarly]

I am bipolar it is total Hell. I want out bad.

 

[CravingPeace]

>"Rebuilding" my life after mania is exhausting.
Every few months I get manic again and somehow dig myself into $10k worth of debt. I have been in $10k debt for several years. Every time I pay it down I think a credit card is proof I am filthy rich and I have a big load of money coming from somewhere, I just know it, boom there goes all financial progress and I am back where I started in the hole. Fucking exhausting...

And KNOWING that even if you manage to fix everything you broke, there's a high chance of you just breaking it all over again. I truthfully don't see any point in trying to get better if it'll just be a continuous cycle of growth then destruction.

 

[Warriorsfan]

I relate to almost all of this.
I hate this disease.
It is terrible.

 

[CravingPeace]

I relate to almost all of this.
I hate this disease.
It is terrible.

I feel stupid for holding out hope that it can get better. It's a progressive disease.. it just gets worse.

 

[Warriorsfan]

I sit here hoping to be gone.
I just don't know how.
Why did I have to have this disease ?
I don't want to fail ctb.
I go from 100% confident to less than zero confidence.
It"s a conplete shock to my body.
It's so traumatic.

 

[no.one]

Just came down from another manic episode. I barely made it through work yesterday, I called out today and have done nothing but slept. I am now back on the downward path. I am exhausted.

I'll be 39 this year and I have absolutely nothing to show for it as I can't commit to anything for long periods of time. This is with and without medication and therapy treatment.

 

[CravingPeace]

Just came down from another manic episode. I barely made it through work yesterday, I called out today and have done nothing but slept. I am now back on the downward path. I am exhausted.

I'll be 39 this year and I have absolutely nothing to show for it as I can't commit to anything for long periods of time. This is with and without medication and therapy treatment.

Yep. I'll be 30 this year and everything I worked for in my life was stripped away from my first manic episode 3 years ago. Now all my effort goes into "maintaining" this shitty life I have, into stopping it from getting worse when it's already worse enough.

Is it even rational to expect myself to continue on with this suffering? Continuing on just seems silly.

I sit here hoping to be gone.
I just don't know how.
Why did I have to have this disease ?
I don't want to fail ctb.
I go from 100% confident to less than zero confidence.
It"s a conplete shock to my body.
It's so traumatic.

It IS traumatic. Going from enhanced fight-flight to soulless wallowing and back again. I want to go.

 

[Hotsackage]

"Rebuilding" after any mental illness is, you don't forget trauma. I commend the hell out of you working tho.

 

[bankai]

Just came down from another manic episode. I barely made it through work yesterday, I called out today and have done nothing but slept. I am now back on the downward path. I am exhausted.

I'll be 39 this year and I have absolutely nothing to show for it as I can't commit to anything for long periods of time. This is with and without medication and therapy treatment.

Feeling like we have to accomplish a certain thing by a certain age is kind of silly in my opinion. I think we should just focus on being happy. I still remember when I was on the swings as a young child. Life goes by so quick. If we're happy by the time we know it will be over.

I'm struggling as well. But these kinds of expectations, trying to think that you should do or accomplish a certain thing as society feels we should do is just a recipe for unhappiness.

 

[synthetic_suicide]

I can relate.
I am 40 and I think I've took a few kilos of medications at this point (besides 15 years of therapy).
Actually I've been pretty stable for 4 years (age 34-38), then 2 years go I had an extremely traumatic experience and now I am back at square one.
Yes, it can destroy literally everything.

I personally think there's a way out though, with my psychiatrist we were evaluating down-titrating lithium and eventually try and see if I could manage without it. Unfortunately I had a spinal cord injuring that shattered my life once again.

Life is a joke.

 

[no.one]

Feeling like we have to accomplish a certain thing by a certain age is kind of silly in my opinion. I think we should just focus on being happy. I still remember when I was on the swings as a young child. Life goes by so quick. If we're happy by the time we know it will be over.

I'm struggling as well. But these kinds of expectations, trying to think that you should do or accomplish a certain thing as society feels we should do is just a recipe for unhappiness.

You are right about the expectations. I do believe that there shouldn't be any as long as you're a good person and try your best, it shouldn't matter.

But people in my past(parents,family,extended family, in-laws, exs, friends etc etc)and... lately in my present, have made it extremely apparent i am failing in life. So that's sorta on the forefront of my brain.

But I do agree with you!

Yep. I'll be 30 this year and everything I worked for in my life was stripped away from my first manic episode 3 years ago. Now all my effort goes into "maintaining" this shitty life I have, into stopping it from getting worse when it's already worse enough.

Is it even rational to expect myself to continue on with this suffering? Continuing on just seems silly.

Im so sorry that happened to you. I completely relate to the effort of "maintaining" this shitty life.

It does seem silly...but I've realized long ago I'm here for others in my life. Not for me.