BabyYoda
F*ck this sh!t I'm out
- Dec 30, 2019
- 552
Idk, I don't think it's possible. My reasons to CTB are connected to personal relationships so why bother recovering if my relationships are shit. I can't do much except talk online due to the lockdown. I know I SHOULD be recovering but I'm not, it's incredibly difficult to do so and I'm not making progress. If I do make progress I fall back to square one. I really want to get my old life back. Why can't I be strong like everyone else. Why can't I enjoy being alone?
My options include:
1.) Improving the relationships that I have now
2.) Be "happy" alone
3.) Channel my feelings in art
For option #1, I cannot control what others think of me. For #2, I've tried it. I grew insane especially with this social isolation thing. For #3, I have no idea how to do this, it's been a while since I've really drawn something. And it doesn't get rid of the problem itself, it only eases my mind.
Also how the hell do I recover when my life turns to complete shit and I can do nothing about it. I don't want to get rid of the symptoms, I want to get rid of the cause. And what if I'm a person worth nothing, what the hell do I do about it???????????
Regarding CTB, I realized that I actually don't want to die. This does not mean I'm pro-life. I dream of having a nice life where I travel around Japan with my partner. But I don't see how that is possible with the person I am and my circumstances. Maybe I should BELIEVE in myself idk???????? And what if nobody loves me anymore, should I decide to CTB for good?
Ugh, it's so difficult to decide whether to recover or not. Sometimes my external circumstances are more than what I can handle.
Also, I admit that there are flaws in my way of thinking, see my profile page for reference. None of what I say makes sense but I cannot help but believe what I think. Because what if they're true. There's absolutely no guarantee that I will NOT have a partner or best friend, but something makes me believe otherwise.
My options include:
1.) Improving the relationships that I have now
2.) Be "happy" alone
3.) Channel my feelings in art
For option #1, I cannot control what others think of me. For #2, I've tried it. I grew insane especially with this social isolation thing. For #3, I have no idea how to do this, it's been a while since I've really drawn something. And it doesn't get rid of the problem itself, it only eases my mind.
Also how the hell do I recover when my life turns to complete shit and I can do nothing about it. I don't want to get rid of the symptoms, I want to get rid of the cause. And what if I'm a person worth nothing, what the hell do I do about it???????????
Regarding CTB, I realized that I actually don't want to die. This does not mean I'm pro-life. I dream of having a nice life where I travel around Japan with my partner. But I don't see how that is possible with the person I am and my circumstances. Maybe I should BELIEVE in myself idk???????? And what if nobody loves me anymore, should I decide to CTB for good?
Ugh, it's so difficult to decide whether to recover or not. Sometimes my external circumstances are more than what I can handle.
Also, I admit that there are flaws in my way of thinking, see my profile page for reference. None of what I say makes sense but I cannot help but believe what I think. Because what if they're true. There's absolutely no guarantee that I will NOT have a partner or best friend, but something makes me believe otherwise.
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