Help How to deal with the thought of time lost and being inferior in comparison to my peers?

[Warlord's Pulse]

First of all I need to clarify that I don't necessarily "hate myself", I actually kinda like me despite being suicidal (because I have a very active imagination), the problem is that I'm too "introspective", to the point I kinda neglected the pragmatical aspect of life, you know, study work and such, not that I didn't do these things but instead I didn't prioritize them, I thought that if I'm earning a honest, confortable amount of money, regardless of how I earn it, it's already good enough. I know that this is not wrong per se, but the social coercion is so strong that I internalized it and feel bad for thinking and acting that way.
For context, my brother is 6 years older than me, and my entire life I've been compared to him (sometimes even inferiorized to him). I'm actually smarter than him, but I'm less focused, diligent and ambitious. Now he is the typical succesful young man, that met all parents' expectations (went to a good college just after high school, got graduated in the predicted time, has a really well paid job, learned to drive, traveled to another countries, got a loyal girlfriend etc), but I was confused and lost in life, so I basically procrastinated a couple of years after my high school before starting my own business. My expectations were high and everyone, specially my parents, thought that I would follow the path of my brother, given that we had the same education, nurture and opportunities.
On top of that, I studied at a "elite grade" school if I can say so, and I was the typical kid that could achieve high grades without studying, so the expectations were a lot higher.
Ironically, I had a lot of school friends, and due to our "elite education context", most of my school-era friends are doing well in life, and I admit, it got to the point that I got envious, and started to feel bad and decline invitations to hang out, specially that I would always anticipate the "What are you doing, after all?" invasive questions. Yeah, I was the only college dropout of my circle and unwillingly got all the attention, they would like to know all the details of my newborn business and it was really annoying.
My business is growing right know and I have good prospects, but several months ago, things got really bad, and I was forced to see my peers close to graduate, getting very good jobs, progressing in life, and remembering how my brother was so advanced at my age, and all of that while I was constantly anxious about my future, ruminating my wasted years and potential, stuck at debts and a -at the time- failed business.
I just can't understand. I don't think I am really good at something. For example, 2 months ago I went out with one specific friend that allegedly likes me very much, but for the entire evening I was feeling unconfortable and forcing myself to not say nor do anything compromising (and failed because I often would comment about how much of a loser I feel). I was rather intimidated. He has better looks, is taller, apparently smarter, got a really well paid job for such young age, collected, determined, stronger, more sociable etc. I just can't compete and can't take it naturally. I feel the same way about my brother.
If I at least could be grateful or satisfied about the little things I am or can do, but not even that. I have another friend that, just like me, is kinda ordinary, but he is very excited.
Few weeks ago I travelled by bike with a friend, more or less 100km inside a rural area, my friend constantly telling me that it was awesome and he felt really accomplished, but I got rather frustrated actually, and didn't say anything to not ruin the mood. Really, what is wrong with me?

 

[AStruggle]

Hello mate.

If you haven't done this yet - you should speak to a psychiatrist/psychologist about it. Feeling low most of the time and fighting negative thoughts constantly might be a sign of mental illness and a person with experience in such stuff might be able to help you or at least make you feel a bit better.

I can relate to the feelings of being "not good enough" and general jealousy - especially if you've been compared constantly by people close to you it can be especially bad. Idk how old are you, but I can tell you for sure that once you realize you feel this way it is a matter of time you'll learn to deal with it.
Please remember - life isn't a race. Some people achieve success, get famous in an instant, earn a lot of money or self-actualize rather fast in life, some don't even if they try with everything they can. It's just how life is - we humans have no control over our lives, the only thing we do have are intentions. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise and make you feel bad about yourself.

I want to tell you something else too. You're a young business owner, starting out on your own. That's so much cooler than getting some lame as job and working for someone else. Doing your own thing is always awesome and I respect you for this. Keep doing your thing and don't let other people make you feel bad about yourself with their commentary - they don't know shit. Good luck to you and your endevaours!

Oh, and also - education for the sake of "success" is a fucking joke, not a metric of success. You did right by dropping college. People who think that wasting 4+ years of their lives getting grades from teachers is an achievement are fucking stupid.

 

[Edistrying]

@AStruggle has right.
I became everything that supposed to be (I finished college at a famous university, a famous degree, I found a beautiful girlfriend, I was working so hard)... & im here. With depression, thinking about CTB. You don't know the life of the others.. sometimes its just a fake smile.
Now I'm just fight this shit & i think i'm every that I did it really doesnt matters.

 

[FunnyHam]

@AStruggle has right.
I became everything that supposed to be (I finished college at a famous university, a famous degree, I found a beautiful girlfriend, I was working so hard)... & im here. With depression, thinking about CTB. You don't know the life of the others.. sometimes its just a fake smile.
Now I'm just fight this shit & i think i'm every that I did it really doesnt matters.

How do you feel this way and you have achieved something that for me doesn't even seem attainable

 

[AStruggle]

@AStruggle has right.
I became everything that supposed to be (I finished college at a famous university, a famous degree, I found a beautiful girlfriend, I was working so hard)... & im here. With depression, thinking about CTB. You don't know the life of the others.. sometimes its just a fake smile.
Now I'm just fight this shit & i think i'm every that I did it really doesnt matters.

It's kind of funny ig, but it's somewhat same with me. I've landed a job in a huge worldwide IT company at the age of 20, worked up to a Middle position and started making relatively good money. Found a loving and cute girlfriend.

The facade looks more appealing than how it really is because once I start explaining the details...
Like how I felt constant pressure and stress while working this job and had zero prospect of self-actualization, which ultimately lead me to burnout and sever depressive episode (which was the cause for me getting fired tf outta there). And while my gf was a great person, but I didn't feel that close to her because of how different we are. Devil's in the details.

 

[Edistrying]

How do you feel this way and you have achieved something that for me doesn't even seem attainable

It may sound repetitive but there is nothing outside that makes us feel better. The world deceives us by telling us that we will feel better doing this or that, or being the best, but in the end none of that matters except how you feel inside. now I only wish to be in peace with myself & that all it matters.
I think that is the reason why many athletes, celebrities, and singers have depression and end their lives. Even doing what was supposed to be the coolest thing, inside they feel the same way that us.

 

[Abandoned Character]

I attended a techy high school, went to a good college for five years before experiencing psychosis and effectively dropping out. I've gone through exactly what you have described. It's been two years since I left college and I am often reminded of what could of been when I see updates from high school and college friends. For me, I try to amplify the voice in my head that is happy for my friends instead of the voice that is dissapointed in myself. I let my love for my friends' successes outshine my own pitfalls. I accept that what is happening now is what I have to work with, that where I am now was inevitable given my composition.

The choices I make today are what matter. The choices I made in the past do not matter, they cannot be changed. Sometimes I still get sad, and that's okay. I still try to remind myself that it does not matter.

As the saying goes, "comparison is the thief of joy."

Personally, my mental health is greatly improved because of my social life, as I have good people around me.

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

Hello mate.

If you haven't done this yet - you should speak to a psychiatrist/psychologist about it. Feeling low most of the time and fighting negative thoughts constantly might be a sign of mental illness and a person with experience in such stuff might be able to help you or at least make you feel a bit better.

I can relate to the feelings of being "not good enough" and general jealousy - especially if you've been compared constantly by people close to you it can be especially bad. Idk how old are you, but I can tell you for sure that once you realize you feel this way it is a matter of time you'll learn to deal with it.
Please remember - life isn't a race. Some people achieve success, get famous in an instant, earn a lot of money or self-actualize rather fast in life, some don't even if they try with everything they can. It's just how life is - we humans have no control over our lives, the only thing we do have are intentions. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise and make you feel bad about yourself.

I want to tell you something else too. You're a young business owner, starting out on your own. That's so much cooler than getting some lame as job and working for someone else. Doing your own thing is always awesome and I respect you for this. Keep doing your thing and don't let other people make you feel bad about yourself with their commentary - they don't know shit. Good luck to you and your endevaours!

Oh, and also - education for the sake of "success" is a fucking joke, not a metric of success. You did right by dropping college. People who think that wasting 4+ years of their lives getting grades from teachers is an achievement are fucking stupid.

Sorry for the late response, actually I don't think I would need to answer anyway, there's nothing to answer here, but the thing is, I'll try to force and forget that subject. Honestly? I'm too tired of this "I'm inferior to X because of Y" or "I'm a failure because of ______"

Thanks to everyone who did reply