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I think this is very insightful. Thank you. Most days the guilt outweighs the pain.
No, we don't have children. That makes it a little easier
Please don't apologize. I know that for me, and I suspect for many others, the greatest gift this forum gives me is a place where I can speak freely.
now there's an really shitty existential truth. In my case it's the guilt over the pain I'd cause my daughter versus the weight of shame, remorse, regret and deep sense of loss for having, among other things, broken up my beautiful little family. The relative weights of those competing pains seem to shift almost daily.
I agree with Schopenhauer that the guilt is simply unavoidable. But the way I am approaching this (I have a 10 year old daughter) is that I would have to make it look accidental (i'm leaning toward SWB). I know my daughter will still grieve my death, but I've read some of the public health and psychological research on the subject and it does seem to matter whether it appears to be suicide or accidental. The focus on my reading has mainly been on the effects of childhood trauma but I would think it's probably true to some extent for adults. The bereavement process for your husband might be a little less difficult if you can make it look accidental. I wish you well.
sorry, but was that question for Willow or for me? wasn't sure.
I'm sorry you're faced with this dilemma. Like you, my daughter is the only reason I have survived the last two years.
thanks friend. You know exactly how awful this predicament is. I wish for you the same: some peace and comfort amidst this terrible condition we're in. Peace to you
My dad's going through a rough patch. He has really changed. Lots of issues. He loves us all very much especially me. I'm afraid if I ctb he wouldn't cope at all..
It's strange and hard to articulate. I feel driven to kill myself and obsessed with it, thinking about it daily even when things are going relatively well.
This wrestling with the problem of loved ones in our lives is far more pervasive than I understood before I joined this site. It's such a guilt-invoking consideration. I've so often heard in reaction to news of someone's suicide that they were really acting selfishly. Now I know just how much the loved ones we leave behind have figured in to our thought processes as we progress toward a final decision to ctb. We're not selfish. Our love and concern for those we know will suffer because of our death weighs heavily on us. I wish more people, especially the family and friends left behind, understood that better.
My therapist told me that and it was helpful when my depression was not as severe. Now its sanken in so deeply I can barely fold my laundry or listen to anything good about myself.
