How to get over guilt

[Willow]

I have thought about ctb many times over several years. On two occasions I have bought guns but have been unable to follow through. I love my husband so much, and I don't want to cause him pain.
How can I get over this and just do it? Any suggestions?

 

[Querry1]

I have thought about ctb many times over several years. On two occasions I have bought guns but have been unable to follow through. I love my husband so much, and I don't want to cause him pain.
How can I get over this and just do it? Any suggestions?

Out of topic, do you have kids?

If you think too much about it, you will always postpone it

 

[Afterman]

I honestly don't think guilt ever goes away unless you're sociopathic or something.

 

[Schopenhauer]

We can't help you there. The guilt always exists, you have to deal with it somehow. You have to decide whether your pain is greater than your guilt.

 

[Willow]

We can't help you there. The guilt always exists, you have to deal with it somehow. You have to decide whether your pain is greater than your guilt.

I think this is very insightful. Thank you. Most days the guilt outweighs the pain.
I've had 3 psych hospitalizations in a year and my suicidal thoughts just keep coming back. I think I'm going to have to quit my job and that is really scary. CTB seems so much easier than finding a new job.
Sorry to ramble, I just feel like there's no one to talk to who considers this issue in a nonjudgmental way

 

[Willow]

Out of topic, do you have kids?

If you think too much about it, you will always postpone it

No, we don't have children. That makes it a little easier

 

[Schopenhauer]

I think this is very insightful. Thank you. Most days the guilt outweighs the pain.
I've had 3 psych hospitalizations in a year and my suicidal thoughts just keep coming back. I think I'm going to have to quit my job and that is really scary. CTB seems so much easier than finding a new job.
Sorry to ramble, I just feel like there's no one to talk to who considers this issue in a nonjudgmental way

Feel free to vent here. Talking to regular people never helps, because they don't think of suicide as a viable option. They just try to increase your guilt.

I can only imagine how hard it is to hold a regular job while wracked by these thoughts. Does your husband know about your true feelings? What's his opinion on suicide?

 

[Xerxes]

I'm in the same boat as well. I have a wife and me dying would be painful, but she can move on I believe pretty easily. We've only been married for a year and known each other for 3. Some days the pain outweighs the guilt and vice-versa. I self-harm on a weekly basis, and I've been concussed for a few days after bashing my head into the wall several times. I also work a regular job which keeps me sane, but I'm also on this forum during the job.

I don't think I can CTB unless I cut off all connections. If you loved someone you let them go if you're gonna CTB. Divorce or file a living will. People move on in certain ways, some get over it, some harbor resentment or guilt for not helping you enough. It all depends on how they deal with trauma. Your death will cause trauma in him, especially if you guys stayed married. I may divorce my wife so she can easily move on from this and I know she would feel like I cheated on her or something and would hate me rather than staying married and CTB, then she feel guilty.

 

[TiredHorse]

Sorry to ramble, I just feel like there's no one to talk to who considers this issue in a nonjudgmental way

Please don't apologize. I know that for me, and I suspect for many others, the greatest gift this forum gives me is a place where I can speak freely.

As for the guilt, Afterman and Schopenhauer have the right of it: it doesn't go away. It is one half of a dark Scylla and Charybdis, pain of living and guilt at leaving, that we all must navigate between.

 

[longingforrelease]

We can't help you there. The guilt always exists, you have to deal with it somehow. You have to decide whether your pain is greater than your guilt.

now there's an really shitty existential truth. In my case it's the guilt over the pain I'd cause my daughter versus the weight of shame, remorse, regret and deep sense of loss for having, among other things, broken up my beautiful little family. The relative weights of those competing pains seem to shift almost daily.

 

[longingforrelease]

I have thought about ctb many times over several years. On two occasions I have bought guns but have been unable to follow through. I love my husband so much, and I don't want to cause him pain.
How can I get over this and just do it? Any suggestions?

I agree with Schopenhauer that the guilt is simply unavoidable. But the way I am approaching this (I have a 10 year old daughter) is that I would have to make it look accidental (i'm leaning toward SWB). I know my daughter will still grieve my death, but I've read some of the public health and psychological research on the subject and it does seem to matter whether it appears to be suicide or accidental. The focus on my reading has mainly been on the effects of childhood trauma but I would think it's probably true to some extent for adults. The bereavement process for your husband might be a little less difficult if you can make it look accidental. I wish you well.

 

[bigj75]

sorry but why do you want to ctb btw? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[longingforrelease]

sorry but why do you want to ctb btw? If you don't mind me asking.

sorry, but was that question for Willow or for me? wasn't sure.

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

Guilt is part and parcel of suicide no matter how you look at it. It's unfortunate but unavoidable. I have a terminal illness and still feel massive guilt in leaving my son behind. He is the only reason why I am still alive.

 

[longingforrelease]

Guilt is part and parcel of suicide no matter how you look at it. It's unfortunate but unavoidable. I have a terminal illness and still feel massive guilt in leaving my son behind. He is the only reason why I am still alive.

I'm sorry you're faced with this dilemma. Like you, my daughter is the only reason I have survived the last two years.

 

[bigj75]

sorry, but was that question for Willow or for me? wasn't sure.

for willow.

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

I'm sorry you're faced with this dilemma. Like you, my daughter is the only reason I have survived the last two years.

I can totally resonate. I am so sorry, it must be a daily torture for you. I hope you could somehow find some peace and comfort out of this predicament.

 

[longingforrelease]

I can totally resonate. I am so sorry, it must be a daily torture for you. I hope you could somehow find some peace and comfort out of this predicament.

thanks friend. You know exactly how awful this predicament is. I wish for you the same: some peace and comfort amidst this terrible condition we're in. Peace to you

 

[Throwaway563078]

I'm sorry you're faced with this dilemma. Like you, my daughter is the only reason I have survived the last two years.

My dad's going through a rough patch. He has really changed. Lots of issues. He loves us all very much especially me. I'm afraid if I ctb he wouldn't cope at all..

 

[Kirakishou]

I feel the same way about my sister. She's the only thing holding me back, it almost makes me wish i didn't have to go. I'm trying to distance myself from her by seeing her less and less, hopefully it'll ease her pain a little.

 

[starcrossedfate]

Guilt is a useless emotion.

 

[Willow]

sorry but why do you want to ctb btw? If you don't mind me asking.

It's strange and hard to articulate. I feel driven to kill myself and obsessed with it, thinking about it daily even when things are going relatively well.
I have bipolar disorder so my moods fluctuate and sometimes I'm significantly depressed. I'm tired of the cycle of recurrent depression.
I was abused for 3 years by a priest when I was a kid. I think this is part of it. I have PTSD and lots of intrusive thoughts and images of what happened. I imagine shooting myself in the head and all these images would just get blown away and I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.
The most recent trigger is realizing I'm too depressed to do a job I used to love and that I need to quit to find something easier. I feel like a failure and I feel stressed out over finding a new job. Ctb seems much easier.
I recognize that I am very fortunate (loving husband, good friends, physical health) so it can be hard to explain why I think so much about it.

 

[Throwaway478953b]

I have thought about ctb many times over several years. On two occasions I have bought guns but have been unable to follow through. I love my husband so much, and I don't want to cause him pain.
How can I get over this and just do it? Any suggestions?

I don't think you will get over the guilt.

Suicide isn't a choice. The majority of people don't want to just die. So to answer your question, I don't think you should do anything. It might come with time...

 

[bigj75]

It's strange and hard to articulate. I feel driven to kill myself and obsessed with it, thinking about it daily even when things are going relatively well.
I have bipolar disorder so my moods fluctuate and sometimes I'm significantly depressed. I'm tired of the cycle of recurrent depression.
I was abused for 3 years by a priest when I was a kid. I think this is part of it. I have PTSD and lots of intrusive thoughts and images of what happened. I imagine shooting myself in the head and all these images would just get blown away and I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.
The most recent trigger is realizing I'm too depressed to do a job I used to love and that I need to quit to find something easier. I feel like a failure and I feel stressed out over finding a new job. Ctb seems much easier.
I recognize that I am very fortunate (loving husband, good friends, physical health) so it can be hard to explain why I think so much about it.

these fucking priests are ridiculous. Makes me give up all hope knowing how hypocritical most religious fucks are. But that explains a lot. Sorry you are going through this.

 

[longingforrelease]

My dad's going through a rough patch. He has really changed. Lots of issues. He loves us all very much especially me. I'm afraid if I ctb he wouldn't cope at all..

This wrestling with the problem of loved ones in our lives is far more pervasive than I understood before I joined this site. It's such a guilt-invoking consideration. I've so often heard in reaction to news of someone's suicide that they were really acting selfishly. Now I know just how much the loved ones we leave behind have figured in to our thought processes as we progress toward a final decision to ctb. We're not selfish. Our love and concern for those we know will suffer because of our death weighs heavily on us. I wish more people, especially the family and friends left behind, understood that better.

 

[dysfunctional]

Guilt is a useless emotion.

My therapist told me that and it was helpful when my depression was not as severe. Now its sanken in so deeply I can barely fold my laundry or listen to anything good about myself.

 

[TAW122]

It will vary from individual to individual, but for me, it is the realization that I never consented to be born (I was simply born as a result of my parents' deciding to have sexual intercourse after marriage which I was the end result of), the world doesn't owe me shit therefore I don't owe them anything, and of course, it is my choice and mine alone. There are other things too, but these are the most core reasons that I have.