Help How to keep fighting?

[LittleJem]

I have my whole ctb cocktail in the house.

Day 5 or 6 of new depression meds (MAOI) and it worked at first and now no motivation again, can't get out of bed and low.

I have one other new thing to try, have to pay custom's fee. And also other stuff I could add to current med.

No motivation. It would be so much easier to CTB. Tired of fighting.

 

[Sensei]

I've noticed that you focus much on "chemical" solutions. What else have you tried?

 

[LittleJem]

Thank you Sensei - hope you are well and having a good evening:

I have tried:
- years of therapy - I had psychosynthesis, psychodynamic, gestalt, group therapy... I don't want to total what that cost!!!
- years of self development/healing workshops - some of which helped my childhood trauma/history, but didn't take away the constant suicidal thoughts
- psychedelics - Ayahuasca, Ketamine, psilocybin, 5 MEO-DMT
- every natural remedy under the sun: Kratom, Kava, Polygala, Rhodiola, St John's Wort etc etc

My friend is still recommending me Compassion Focused Therapy. I think it will only help if I have a reasonable medication helping though. He's getting 24 sessions sponsored at a cost of £120 per session. Honestly, I don't think it will help unless I have something that changes my brain chemistry. No therapy can stop the constant suicidal thoughts morning to evening every day.

I have found that nothing helps unless it changes my brain chemistry - hence looking for a chemical that works.

I have always been quite "odd" and not able to connect with people. I used to think it was trauma, but looking back maybe it is autism/aspergers - but I don't have many of the symptoms so not sure what it is. On some chemicals, I can do this better.

 

[Sensei]

Either you forgot to mention it or you haven't tried it, but exploring Zen Buddhism and zazen is not to be underestimated. It helped me for many years.

IIRC, you mentioned that you might be bipolar. You have strong suicidal thoughts, no psychotherapy seems to work, and you've come to the conclusion that you must change your brain chemistry. That sounds very much like bipolar disorder to me. Maybe you have cyclothymia or subclinical symptoms?

 

[LittleJem]

Thank you - that's helpful to hear re Bipolar. I don't think I am every manic, so it is BP II if it is Bipolar. I think after this round of testing stuff, I will try Lithium Carbonate or Lamictal. I need to keep in the game to keep testing stuff! This evening is better than today, though I am still agitated and desperate - so this evening I feel more able to keep fighting.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply, as ever.

 

[WhiteDespair]

It takes about 1-2 months to really notice an effect. Even then it may not be very overt. Olanzapine has been a Godsend as far as things are concerned. It cut the chatter in my head substantially - CtB and otherwise. Ironic, that I got it for SN. Also, look into Acetyl L Carnetine and Vitamin D 5000u (anything lower than 5000u is a waste of money).

 

[Sensei]

Thank you - that's helpful to hear re Bipolar. I don't think I am every manic, so it is BP II if it is Bipolar. I think after this round of testing stuff, I will try Lithium Carbonate or Lamictal. I need to keep in the game to keep testing stuff! This evening is better than today, though I am still agitated and desperate - so this evening I feel more able to keep fighting.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply, as ever.

Lamictal? Do you mean that your psychiatrist will prescribe it to you or that you will find it on your own? It has helped me and every other person with bipolar disorder II whom I know IRL, but it's not something you should experiment with on your own. The producer has, like all med companies, marketed Lamictal aggressively without mentioning the risks. When used in monotherapy, it can engender suicidal thoughts in both bipolars and epileptics. The risk is admittedly small, but it's not to be taken lightly. If you already have suicidal thoughts it can be dangerous to take Lamictal without being monitored by psychiatric care. Also, you should know that psychiatrists aren't always aware of the risks with Lamictal.

 

[Polly]

I second @Sensei s comments on lamictal, esp shrinks not beung totally aware of risks

 

[LittleJem]

Thank you - I am able to get medications online at the moment. What is Lamictal usually prescribed with? My suicidal thoughts are already pretty constant! But I will take your advice on this one.

 

[SneekUponIt]

Lamictal is an anti-epileptic, with secondary mood stabilizing properties. I'm not very knowledgeable about the primary anti-epileptics, but my rudimentary understanding is that they can be unpleasant compared to other substances used as second-line agents, compared to the benzodiazepines and the gabapentinoids/gaba analogues.

Some of them you need to monitor your blood for abnormalities while on a course of treatment. For example, I have carbamazepine, and it can wreak havoc on white blood cell count. They're not a class of substances that I would feel comfortable experimenting with, unless under a knowledgeable Dr.s care.

I've contemplated taking carbamazepine to stabilize my mood instead of the occasional benzo, but their side-effects profile is a bit thick. Not to say benzo use that evolves into a physical dependency is any better. In my opinion benzos are safer mood-stabilizers for occasional usage if you can keep it occasional, when one of their effects is extreme lowering of inhibitions(more pronounced in certain ones) that can be a tricky thing!

Totally off topic, but if I ever get the energy I will compile an extensive list of anxiolytics, splitting them up into Gaba-a, Gaba-b, VDCC and the Gaba-P receptor effecting types. I believe with the right rotation and the necessary Ki data in hand, anti-anxiety medication can probably be used daily without having to worry about physical dependence forming.

I wish pharmaceutical companies would research this, but it isn't in their best interest monetarily.

 

[Mr2005]

I have my whole ctb cocktail in the house.

Day 5 or 6 of new depression meds (MAOI) and it worked at first and now no motivation again, can't get out of bed and low.

I have one other new thing to try, have to pay custom's fee. And also other stuff I could add to current med.

No motivation. It would be so much easier to CTB. Tired of fighting.

I know what you mean so am I. It's just having a good distraction that takes your mind off it. That's the best I can do. When I'm not doing that I want to die. It's not a solution and I'm aware there isn't one for me. I have my stuff ready and it's only a matter of time.

 

[LittleJem]

Benzos don't work for me. I don't have many symptoms of autism, but autism affects processing of GABA, and wonder if I have that gene that doesn't like GABA.

Agreed, I won't take anything alone that requires monitoring.
Insomnia, panic and suicidal thoughts all night. It's nearly 7am now. Yay me.

I really really wanted to go back to work this Friday.

I think regular K is my only option. Am writing my will tomorrow in any case.

Excuse the misery post. Another relapse - I had 4 better days on Selegiline. I will call myself Relapse Queen.

 

[Sensei]

What is Lamictal usually prescribed with?

As you may know already, medication has to be tailored to every individual. I would guess that lithium and lamotrigine are most common, though.

But I will take your advice on this one.

I should also mention that the initial dose is low and then increased gradually. The reason is that there's a risk of a extremely strong allergic reaction called the Stevens-Johnson syndrome. On the one hand, the risk is low. On the other hand, the symptoms are horrific.

It just struck me that you probably are like me. You don't fear suicide. You're trying to find a way to stay alive. Am I right?

 

[LittleJem]

As you may know already, medication has to be tailored to every individual. I would guess that lithium and lamotrigine are most common, though.

It just struck me that you probably are like me. You don't fear suicide. You're trying to find a way to stay alive. Am I right?

Thank you, yes I read that re Lamictal and the slow titration. I don't know how I feel about suicide. In this state, I prefer it to life. I have the Amitryptiline method all collected. I have a few more things to try... maybe one more year in me (just). When I have tried everything....bye bye life!!!!

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Benzos don't work for me. I don't have many symptoms of autism, but autism affects processing of GABA, and wonder if I have that gene that doesn't like GABA.

Agreed, I won't take anything alone that requires monitoring.
Insomnia, panic and suicidal thoughts all night. It's nearly 7am now. Yay me.

I really really wanted to go back to work this Friday.

I think regular K is my only option. Am writing my will tomorrow in any case.

Excuse the misery post. Another relapse - I had 4 better days on Selegiline. I will call myself Relapse Queen.

Sorry for derailing, but how exactly does autism affect GABA Processing? Serious question.

Also fuck GABAergic drugs for anxiety. How is it different from telling a patient to drink beer? I still don't get it. Maybe as a sleep aid in very extreme cases or to stop a panic attack; but a doctor who prescribes benzos long term is either insidious or a buffoon. It's the worst withdrawal ever.

 

[LittleJem]

The GABA theory re Autism has recently been challenged - https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/study-calls-question-chemical-messengers-role-autism/
But it was a theory held before it was challenged. I just read about it the other day.

Saying that, this article suggests it is possible that people with autism regulate their GABA differently: https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/drug-shifts-brains-signaling-balance-treat-autism/

I hear you re withdrawal. I don't take them every day - and I don't think they work for me. But I do think for some people they can be the only thing that works - and in that case, I would say long-term use is justified if not using them is more suffering and more dangerous.
I just took 10mg of Valium - I never usually take it. It's 10.43am UK. I bet it doesn't do anything for me!!! I'm really agitated and haven't slept.

 

[Sensei]

I'm really agitated and haven't slept.

How long have you been like this?

 

[dandan]

I have tried:
- years of therapy - I I don't want to total what that cost!!! (Me neither)
- years of self development/healing workshops -
- psychedelics .....
- every natural remedy under the sun: ......

You sound just like me!

I spent 20 years "depressed" or with some condition , even had ECT and spent years in AA.
I have N in my fridge because I was ready to go.
Are you close to ready?
What are you willing to try?

I'm at the moment having the best days of my life!
I've been off depression for 6months and a few days.
I was saying goodbye and 1 friend among us asked me if I've ever tried testo and dianabol.
I bought them that very same day.
1 week later I was fine, I've stopped feeling bad, curious and amazed I went to visit an endocrinologist, after few tests it results my problem is solved with these hormones, my lovely body needed a little help.

Amazing how well I'm doing today, with all my heart I wish you try before ctbing, thanks to life I did!!
So here in mexico they sell testosterone in pharmacies, but I get it from a body building lab, a respected one in the world of body builders
I go to the gym almost every morning (3xcercise is required the doctor said)
I'm stronger than ever

Some people could say I'm artificially strong or even say I should not do it, and I would only laugh and understand them, but they dont know what it is living with a desire to die every single day for years and years, they cant understand, they are incapable

Testosterone might bring some troubles in the long run.... yes but I rather live some years happy than ctbing right away

Besides, I'm attending myself with an expert endocrinologist, he has many patients who chance sex and do take hormones like me and they do fine...

My best wishes LittleJem, it's up to you to decide if you want to try or not before ctbing.

 

[Jean4]

You sound just like me!

I spent 20 years "depressed" or with some condition , even had ECT and spent years in AA.
I have N in my fridge because I was ready to go.
Are you close to ready?
What are you willing to try?

I'm at the moment having the best days of my life!
I've been off depression for 6months and a few days.
I was saying goodbye and 1 friend among us asked me if I've ever tried testo and dianabol.
I bought them that very same day.
1 week later I was fine, I've stopped feeling bad, curious and amazed I went to visit an endocrinologist, after few tests it results my problem is solved with these hormones, my lovely body needed a little help.

Amazing how well I'm doing today, with all my heart I wish you try before ctbing, thanks to life I did!!
So here in mexico they sell testosterone in pharmacies, but I get it from a body building lab, a respected one in the world of body builders
I go to the gym almost every morning (3xcercise is required the doctor said)
I'm stronger than ever

Some people could say I'm artificially strong or even say I should not do it, and I would only laugh and understand them, but they dont know what it is living with a desire to die every single day for years and years, they cant understand, they are incapable

Testosterone might bring some troubles in the long run.... yes but I rather live some years happy than ctbing right away

Besides, I'm attending myself with an expert endocrinologist, he has many patients who chance sex and do take hormones like me and they do fine...

My best wishes LittleJem, it's up to you to decide if you want to try or not before ctbing.

Thanks for this. After 7 days of insomnia, good news like this has made my day!

 

[LittleJem]

How long have you been like this?

I think it's because I took Lithium Orotate before bed - as I was getting a big state that Selegiline was pooping out after 4 days of it helping. Officially I am back at work this Friday. I will try Modafinil to get me to work. The Lithium Orotate I think stopped me sleeping - even weed which usually helps did nothing.

This is maybe my 4th relapse after something was helping. I added the other two meds to the Selegiline today, as officially recommended - Memantine and Moclobemide. Really though, as nothing works, I want it all to be over. I want this torture over.

I have maybe 3 or 4 things left to try before giving up I think.

 

[Jean4]

I think it's because I took Lithium Orotate before bed - as I was getting a big state that Selegiline was pooping out after 4 days of it helping. Officially I am back at work this Friday. I will try Modafinil to get me to work. The Lithium Orotate I think stopped me sleeping - even weed which usually helps did nothing.

This is maybe my 4th relapse after something was helping. I added the other two meds to the Selegiline today, as officially recommended - Memantine and Moclobemide. Really though, as nothing works, I want it all to be over. I want this torture over.

I have maybe 3 or 4 things left to try before giving up I think.

Try it. I am on year 3 of trying different asthma meds. I understand about the relapses.

 

[dandan]

Thanks for this. After 7 days of insomnia, good news like this has made my day!

Hugs , I do wish my sad/hard experience helps someone, I really do and my so called depression it's gone... 6 months and a few days now.. my best wishes

 

[Jean4]

Hugs , I do wish my sad/hard experience helps someone, I really do and my so called depression it's gone... 6 months and a few days now.. my best wishes

Keep posting. You are an inspiration and gives people like me hope.

 

[dandan]

Keep posting. You are an inspiration and gives people like me hope.

Ill keep coming back without a doubt, it was an ex- member here who pointed me in the right direction.

I'm very thankful to this site.
With help here I've found N and recovery, polar opposites and I'm quite glad.

Post Data:
I cant help with N, because the Law was endured and the vet clerk wont sell me N anymore.

 

[Nem]

Hugs!
Just a quick background check, lamictal was developed by one of the most corrupt pharma companies in existence. All pharma companies are corrupt but standing out among them should bring some pause upon taking it.
Depression is a bitch and sorry that nothing is helping much but I'd smoke a garbage bag full of weed before ingesting chemicals made in a laboratory strictly for profit.
Peace/hugs

 

[LittleJem]

Try it. I am on year 3 of trying different asthma meds. I understand about the relapses.

@Jean4 I have asthma (I think) though it's not very severe. I spotted this - it could be snake oil but it could be great - see what you think: https://yamoapowder.com/ xx

Hugs!
Just a quick background check, lamictal was developed by one of the most corrupt pharma companies in existence. All pharma companies are corrupt but standing out among them should bring some pause upon taking it.
Depression is a bitch and sorry that nothing is helping much but I'd smoke a garbage bag full of weed before ingesting chemicals made in a laboratory strictly for profit.
Peace/hugs❤

I had years on weed, but I would rather have a drug that makes me feel normal. I know it might not exist!!!!!! Depression is an utter bitch, agreed.

I did see at least one post on here that rated Lamictal - so it is still in my head to try. On that list anyway!

I wish Kratom works for me, but it only makes me literally sick :)

 

[Jean4]

Thanks for that link. Unfortunately, my problems are way too severe that holistic meds will work. I did try them at the beginning. They don't work now :)

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

Thank you - that's helpful to hear re Bipolar. I don't think I am every manic, so it is BP II if it is Bipolar. I think after this round of testing stuff, I will try Lithium Carbonate or Lamictal. I need to keep in the game to keep testing stuff! This evening is better than today, though I am still agitated and desperate - so this evening I feel more able to keep fighting.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply, as ever.

I was in a similar boat: I saw a psychiatrist who is convinced that I am BP II. He based this diagnosis on me experiencing one "hypomanic" episode. I argued that if a hypomanic episode is less severe than a manic episode, who's to say I wasn't just feeling normal after having been depressed for a while? If I'm constantly depressed and then lapse out of it, of course I'm going to seem different. I've tried a handful of psych meds, including lamictal, and nothing has worked yet. It's worth a try since you want to consider all your options.

 

[LittleJem]

I was in a similar boat: I saw a psychiatrist who is convinced that I am BP II. He based this diagnosis on me experiencing one "hypomanic" episode. I argued that if a hypomanic episode is less severe than a manic episode, who's to say I wasn't just feeling normal after having been depressed for a while? If I'm constantly depressed and then lapse out of it, of course I'm going to seem different. I've tried a handful of psych meds, including lamictal, and nothing has worked yet. It's worth a try since you want to consider all your options.

It's not 100 per cent safe if you have BP - but have you tried St John's Wort? It was better for me than meds so far. When I took it too high too fast, I did start feeling somewhat high. So I came off it, then going back on it again - it did take away my suicidal thoughts volume. I didn't stay on it, because I was still pretty low on it. But honestly, it was better than the medication I have tried so far.

I'm currently trying Selegiline. It worked for 4 days then stopped, but I have now read I need to give it between 4 and 12 weeks. It seems to have some efficacy also for Bipolar depression. It's holding out and enduring the depression while testing something new - it's torture. We all know that, I'm sure.

I would take anythnig to get away from it, and yet nothing helps that much.

I hear you re the psychiatrist. It's so hard to get a proper diagnosis. Did you try Lithium yet? I hope you find something that helps you. OTC Lithium Orotate could be worth a try. It gave me the best two weeks of my life before it stopped working for me!

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

I have tried St. John's Wort. I believe the highest dosage I ever took was around 1500 mg, but it never seemed to do anything for me. I've also tried other supplements like 5-htp and theanine, though nothing has had any discernible effect so far. Maybe I will give lithium a try at some point. I hope you find something that sticks soon.